Republican Convention 2012

Dog Bites Man

So campaign coverage has come to this.

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"Death metal, the sound of Tampa, won't be heard at Republican convention"

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Books Editor Jesse Walker is the author of Rebels on the Air and The United States of Paranoia.

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  1. invisible furry hand

    No death metal, but Opeth is OK, right?

    1. Whiterun Guard

      If I want to listen to prog rock, I’ll put on a Yes album, and then kill myself for wanting to listen to it.

      Also Morbid Angel killed death metal when they released that abortion of an album this year.

      From now on I’m only listening to the original two Burzum albums. On cassette. In a 1991 Honda Civic with two broken speakers.

    2. Warty

      Not anymore. Fuck, Heritage was terrible.

  2. Brett L

    Only Warty can save us.

  3. Mint Berry Crunch

    I don’t know, I think “Make Them Suffer” could be a fitting song for both parties.

    And yeah, Cannibal Corpse is from New York, not Florida.

  4. AlmightyJB

    Too bad, DM would have kept the hippies away.

  5. Some say it’s ironic that a party that includes large numbers of religious conservatives would hold its convention in the city that fostered a musical genre known for album titles like “To Hell With God” and “Butchered At Birth.”

    If the RNC begged off any city that gave rise to something the Christian Right objected to, they’d be holding their conventions at Bob Jones University.

  6. We’re best known for death metal? Really?

    1. Brett L

      I would have guessed pro wrestlers.

      1. GILMORE

        I would have guessed pro wrestlers, bimbos, and juggalos.

        1. Strippers and beach. Maybe cigars.

          1. Whiterun Guard

            The longest losing streak in NFL history.

            1. Brett L

              On the other hand, at least the Bucs aren’t the Lions.

            2. Don’t bother me none now unless they repeat it. That same team was in the NFC Championship three years later.

              1. Whiterun Guard

                Do Panthers cheerleaders lesbian encounters in bathroom stalls fall under strippers?

                I, for one, think that deserves its own category.

                1. I’d say yes, but it’s an important subcategory.

                  1. Whiterun Guard

                    Well, it’s your turf, so it’s your call. I was just thinking if it had its own category it might encourage others.

                    1. It’s Tampa. That shit goes on all the time.

                    2. Whiterun Guard

                      Not with visiting team cheerleaders.

                    3. Brett L

                      Is there a link for this?

                    4. Mensan

                      Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders Arrested for Bathroom Sex

                    5. Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders Arrested for Bathroom Sex

                      State of modern journalism: That article was longer and had more sourced references and detail than the ones reporting our entry into the first Gulf War.

                    6. Brett L

                      I was hoping for video. 🙁

                    7. You poor, na?ve fool. Tampa is all-corrupting.

    2. We’re best known for death metal? Really?

      Who knew? I thought you were best known for your porn clubs.

    3. RedDragon6009

      We’re best known for death metal? Really?

      Hell Yeah…Didn’t you know that Cannibal Corpse got its big break in Ybor City playing at the Ritz? From there they went on to a highly acclaimed cameo appearance in Jim Carey’s Ace Ventura Pet Detective.

      1. RedDragon6009

        I only know that because I once slept with a girl I met at a Cannibal Corpse concert.

        1. RedDragon6009

          I only went to that concert because girls who listen to death metal are easy.

  7. Bee Tagger

    Some say it’s ironic that a party that includes large numbers of religious conservatives would hold its convention in the city that fostered a musical genre known for album titles like “To Hell With God” and “Butchered At Birth.”

    Why would I care what people who don’t know the definition of irony think?

    1. Whiterun Guard

      Some say that you would care.

      1. Bee Tagger

        Economists agree that there are those who say you’re right.

    2. It’s like a hurricane on your wedding day.

      1. Bee Tagger

        It’s a free ride when you [haven’t] already paid [your fair share]?

        1. Whiterun Guard

          That irony, you didn’t iron that.

        2. Corporate Drone

          it’s like 1,000 death metal bands when all you need is a Twisted Sister song.

          1. Whiterun Guard

            I always did like the corrected version of that line:

            It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife (to open a box of spoons).

    3. Zeb

      I don’t know. Ask ALanis Morisette.

  8. BarryD

    Other places where you won’t hear death metal:

    1. Commercials for detergent.
    2. Commercials for garden tools.
    3. Hockey games.
    4. Radio stations other than after 1AM and before 5AM.
    5. The Democratic convention.

    This is pretty silly…

    In other news, the SuperCross will not be playing Rachmaninoff throughout all its races this year. College football games will feature bands with large brass sections, playing riffs from hard rock and hip hop. And the WWE will not be employing Dr. Phil to get the audience pumped up between bouts.

    1. RBS

      I bet people would get pretty pumped up for a Dr. Phil vs The Undertaker Hell in a Cell match.

    2. Whiterun Guard

      4. Terrestrial radio stations other than after 1AM and before 5AM.

      That is, if Liquid Metal or Hard Attack are still around. Man I’ve been on the dark continent for too long.

    3. Mint Berry Crunch

      5. The Democratic convention.

      True, Democrats aren’t permitted to like death metal because the bands are “overwhelmingly white.”

  9. sticks

    OT. more funny from 90 days 90 reasons:

    So let me tell you why you should hold your nose, take a deep breath, and swallow the bitter pill of voting for a rather ineffective disappointer-in-chief?because of the alternative. And the alternative in this case is an exceptionally heartbreaking example of, potential leader of the “free” world.

    Vote for our asshole. That is the argument.

    And of course there is no mention of actual Romney policy just hey some people that vote are racists idiots.

    In no small part, a lot of the voters that Romney appeals to are part of a backwards, ignorant electorate who truly believe that our current president is a Kenyan Marxist with an evil plan to let Muslim fundamentalists take over the world while he gleefully gives the good Christian Right’s money he’s stolen to lazy niggers and spics. They so desperately want FILL-IN-THE-BLANK in and Obama OUT! Many of these folk, left to their own devices, would make teaching certain parts of science that contradict the Bible illegal and punishable by jail time. They would defund and then outlaw certain aspects of woman’s health care. Officially strip gay people of what little rights they have fought very hard for and now “enjoy”.

    1. Bee Tagger

      They so desperately want FILL-IN-THE-BLANK in and Obama OUT!

      This is totally different than being so deathly afraid of FILL-IN-THE-BLANK that you’ll continue to vote for Obama no matter what previously held principle he violates.

      1. Bee Tagger

        Sigh. It’s David Cross. I know my politics rarely align with his, but this still makes me sad.

        1. Whiterun Guard

          Meh, to me he quit being funny or good around 2000. He was always the annoying part of Arrested Development.

          I did like his character in Kung Fu Panda, but honestly, I think anyone could have voiced it and it would have still been good.

          Patton Oswalt is the one I have a problem with. I find him hilarious and bright, but just slogged down so far in the Libertard quicksand that he can’t get out. I really feel like if I sat down with him for an hour, he’d become a libertarian.

          1. Bee Tagger

            I’ll admit: there’s a part of me that enjoys thinking about how some of the artists I really like might hate that someone with my opinions likes them.

            1. Whiterun Guard

              I bet that’s why Ryan loves RATM.

          2. Pain

            I’m right there with you on Patton Oswalt. I love his stuff and he sounds like a really interesting guy. Then he brings up the GOP and his brain seems to fall out his head for several minutes. I soldier through it but it’s both baffling and kind of depressing.

        2. sticks

          “Sigh. It’s David Cross.”

          Yeah. Only reason I came across it.

    2. Brett L

      Vote for our asshole. That is the argument.

      That’s always what the argument boils down to.

    3. Bee Tagger

      Officially strip gay people of what little rights they have fought very hard for and now “enjoy”.

      Ouch, a shot at the the joylessness of marriage from out of nowhere.

    4. Shorter David Cross: “People of good will who are in possession of the facts will never ever ever disagree with me, ever.”

      1. Zombie Jimbo

        If David Cross was assuming that I am a person of good will, he’s sadly mistaken. However, I am in possession of a heaping pile of facts, which point to the fact that he’s completely full of shit.

        1. but knowingly manipulating the markets and stealing from pension funds goes, not only unpunished, but lucratively rewarded.

          I never understood why ‘manipulating’ the market is considered such an unspeakable evil.

          When the local news, Twitter users etc. tell me where gas is the cheapest, is that manipulating the gas market?

          1. I never understood why ‘manipulating’ the market is considered such an unspeakable evil.

            Other people are making money on it, and I’m not. You surely don’t need a better reason than that.

    5. Skip

      Cross just called all foster parents abusive welfare queens. But remember, its Republicans who stereotype people.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    Strippers and beach. Maybe cigars.

    NEEDZ MOAR CIRKUS FREEKZ

    1. That’s down the road a bit.

  11. Death Rock and Skull

    Society for the Hatred of Corn.

    The name of my third death metal album.

  12. Almanian's Evil Twin

    I don’t know if “Dying Fetus” is a deathmetal band, but that is the best name EVER for a metal band. Heard them on Sirius Liquid Metal. Best. Name. Ever.

    1. Warty

      They’re a ton of fun.

  13. Mr. FIFY

    Not a Death Metal topic, but:

    Dee Snider should be truthful and mention in future interviews that it wasn’t just Republicans who fucked with him and his band back in the “porn rock” jihad days – the Gores were on his ass, too.

    1. Everyone older than 30 years old knows that Tipper Gore was THE spearhead to the ‘offensive lyrics’ movement. The warning label you see on records today is a direct result of Tipper’s activities.

      Anyone older than 25 knows that liberals got very, very quiet about her when Clinton was running in ’92.

      Anyone older than 35 years old remembers when liberals respected the first amendment.

      1. Spartacus

        Hell, I’m old enough to remember when Nixon had to go through 2 or 3 white house lawyers before he finally found one who would do his illegal bidding. Can you imagine Holder or any one in the DOJ today saying no to Obama?

        1. Mr. FIFY

          Unfortunately, even Frank Zappa’s surviving family members have decided to lump in with Team Blue.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Only Warty can save us.

    Define “save”.

    1. Brett L

      I had visions of him jumping in his panel van with the windows covered from the inside, racing down to Tampa, and driving it right into the convention — death metal blaring. And then just being Warty on everyone he saw.

      1. Spartacus

        “And then just being Warty on everyone he saw.”

        Eewwww.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Can you imagine Holder or any one in the DOJ today saying no to Obama?

    Only if it was something they were planning to do anyway. They do not even bother to fake subservience to the White House.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    That was unclear. I meant, “They only do what he tells them if it is something they were planning to do anyway.”

    They do not even bother to fake* subservience to the White House.

    *see: Medical marijuana

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