Canadian Kinder Egg Contraband Confiscation Controversy, Continued


kinder egg

At America's borders, north and south, agents stand ready to protect this great nation from all kinds of threats. Terrorists, explosives, drugs, and…chocolate eggs.

Brandon Loo and Christopher Sweeney were on a trip to Vancouver when they decided to bring home some treats for friends and family.

They bought Kinder Eggs. The chocolate eggs, which aren't available in America, come with a toy inside….

When they got to the border, the guards began searching the car and soon found the eggs.

"He said, 'Are you aware kinder eggs are illegal in the United States and carry a $2,500 fine per egg?' And I actually laughed," Sweeney said.

Reason has been on the Kinder Egg ban beat for a while now, reporting on a similar incident last year in which a Ms. Bird tried to bring an egg across the border and ran afoul of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's 1997 ruling declaring the toys an unacceptable choking hazard. The candy also violates a Food and Drug Administration rule against "nonnutritive items" in food.

Loo and Sweeney were lucky—they managed to sweet talk their way out of the candy fine after a mere two and a half hours in detention.  

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  1. I’m sure those consumers feel safer now.

  2. Imagine being a border agent and feeling like you’ve done a good job at the end of the day by catching one of these eggs crossing the border.

    Then you go home and tell your kid that you “catch bad guys” for a living.

    Yeah, I’d be angry too.

    1. But they’re out there on the front lines! Risking their lives every single day! They’re HEROES!

      1. God bless them, they are doing God’s work, in some of the toughest neighborhoods in America.

    2. The federal titan actually pays these jackholes salaries to do this shit. It’s so fucking depressing.

      1. Let me be clear: You couldn’t build your business without their sacrifice.

    3. And then you give your kid the Kinder Egg you confiscated, and he’s happy too. Lose-Win-Win.

  3. The toys encourage fat American kids to eat chocolate.

  4. And I actually laughed,” Sweeney said. He’s lucky they didn’t shackle him to a toilet and feed him exlax for a week.

  5. So I guess Canadians are choking to death in droves because of all the Kinder Eggs. Thank God Gov. we are protected from such a scourge.

    1. You didn’t build that Kinder Egg factory… we did.

      1. Lizzy Warren’s tribe did.

    2. “Since 1991, at least 7 children worldwide have died of choking after swallowing the toy inside the Kinder egg.”

      Source: http://stfuconservatives.net/post/4973876747

      Yep. Obviously a huge threat.

      I am going to bet that more children have choked to death on earrings in that time.

      1. “Since 1991, at least 7 children worldwide have died of choking after swallowing the toy inside the Kinder egg.”

        *insert that joke about lawyers tied to a rock and tossed into the ocean*

        Those 7 kids were gonna die, somehow. Choking, jumping off the roof, etc, you pick your favorite Darwinism.

        I’d prefer they do it before age 16 when they’d become a danger to the rest of us.

  6. We have friends in Germany who bring them for our kids. No trouble yet.

    1. Same here. Got a German student staying with us, and she brought everyone Kinder kandy…no eggs, though.

    2. You know who else was German and posed a deadly threat to our younger generation…

      1. Angela Merkel?

      2. Santa Klaus Von Bulow?

        1. How can you say that about the men who wrote this?

      3. This guy?

        (Stupid ass spam filter wouldn’t let me post the name.)

    3. One of my sisters lived in Germany for several years working as a post-doc researcher at the Max Planck Institute for marine microbiology, where, between excursions on the North Sea, she found time to stock up on the eggs as presents for all of her nieces and nephews, including my kids. She was well aware of the US ban, which was why she bought them– getting the eggs in their stockings was a longtime Christmas tradition for the kiddies, previously purchased at a store specializing in imported fancy foods. They joined liqueur-filled chocolates (the ones with real booze in them, not alcohol free booze flavoring) and rum cakes soaked in actual rum on the list of most-wanted food treats which family members were expected to stock up on during any European business trip, family visit or vacation.

  7. I mean, I can see a (non-libertarian) justification for banning the sale of these things, as fraud prosecution/lawsuits are not necessarily a sufficient remedy after a kid chokes to death. But not allowing someone to enter the country with them? That’s ridiculous from any POV.

    1. A banned product is a banned product.

      Until people wake up and quit seeing the War on Drugs as some specific, discreet policy branch, this shit will always be with us. It’s the War on Shit The Government Doesn’t Think You Should Have.

      1. It would be easy for someone to buy this product unaware of the fact that it wasn’t completely edible.

        1. Except for the giant label which says Containing Surprise.

          1. The Obama administration contained surprises. Maybe we could ban them.

            1. But they’re different. The Obama administration’s sort of surprise is like the kind you would imagine coming home and finding your house covered in pig shit to be.

              1. coming home and finding your house covered in pig shit to be.

                BUT IS THERE A TREAT INSIDE?!

                1. BUT IS THERE A TREAT INSIDE?!

                  (no, a foreclosure notice doesn’t count)

            2. Next time he goes to the Riviera, we stop AF1 at the border when he tries to get home. “Sorry, the product safety commission deems you a statism hazard.”

              1. Or the CDC could start shit and warn of a severe risk of mental AIDS if Obama were allowed back into the country.

            3. Their surprises cause me to choke every day.

        2. It would be easy for someone to buy this product in a London Drugs and have no idea that there was a law on US books that it was illegal.

          The only reason I know the product is illegal is because I spend my hard-earned time here.

        3. Umm, and tries to swallow the whole thing at once without chewing, thus choking?

          So what if someone doesn’t know you’re suppose to bite apples and not try to swallow them whole and chokes on an apple?

          Hell, how do you justify legal cherries (or other pitted fruits)?

          1. There is no reasonable expectation of total edibility in an apple or a cherry. There is with a lump of chocolate.

            1. Reasonable is subjective.

              Personally, if they’re swallowing these things whole I don’t think your kids are reasonable. I think your children are obviously fucking retarded.

              1. They don’t have to swallow them whole; they chew on them a little bit and the car rolls out and gets lodged in their windpipe.

                It’s got wheels, for gods’ sake. and the back of a kid’s tongue is like a highway to hypoxia.

                1. LOFL.

                  Uh huh.

            2. There is no reasonable expectation of total edibility in an apple or a cherry.

              How about in a handful of caramel popcorn with peanuts?

              There is with a lump of chocolate.

              Then worry about a lump of chocolate, because this isn’t one and isn’t marketed as one.

              1. Would you pay three farthings for a lump of shit?

              2. Yeah, I just don’t see these as “a lump of chocolate” in any way shape or form. But then I am very used to chocolate eggs having something inside them–something that may be edible, or not. I grew up eating shit like that imported by British relatives. It’s super normal elsewhere.

            3. There is no reasonable expectation of total edibility in an apple or a cherry.

              “Did you eat the sticker too?!”

              “YEAH, I eat stickers all the time, and?!”

              “Jesus Christ, Charlie.”

          2. Coconuts don’t have any label warning you not all parts of the coconut are edible.

            What if someone tries to swallow large shards of the shell?

            1. You’d have to be an idiot to do that.

              I stick whole Cadbury eggs in my mouths all the time.

              1. And swallow them without chewing?

                1. Only when I’m trying to impress a woman.

                  1. Why do you deny science and hate Darwin? It is because you are bitter that you lost your job and cling to your religious myths?

                  2. I stick whole Cadbury eggs in my mouths all the time.

                    Practice for scrotum, eh?

              2. Mouths? how do you have? What kind of freak are you?

                Tulpa is, finally, exposed as either alien or mutant.

                You all know what to do.

          3. you’re suppose to bite apples and not try to swallow them whole

            I learn something here every day.

            I’ve also learned that the next time I’m outside the fence and see some of these Kinder Eggs for sale, I’m buying as many as I can to bring back.

        4. To buy, yes. Not once you read the label and then, you know, start actually eating it.

  8. “Snidely, it looks like our dastardly plot to destroy the US by smuggling Justin Beiber and Celine Dion clones across the border in Kinder Eggs has been foiled!


    1. And we would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

  9. Next step is to force you to buy little toy cars and cocoa at the pharmacy counter and have them check your drivers license; otherwise you might be going home and cooking up a Kinder Egg batch on your own.

  10. I’ve bought Kinder Eggs in America in the last year or so. I didn’t know I was party to such a heinous crime.

    1. It was probably an undercover cop, dude. You better get them out of your house, especially if you answer the door armed.

      1. It was a big candy store on the LES. They sold them by the crate and individually. I’m probably on some sort of watchlist.

        I was looking for Nice Mice, but a co-worker collects Kinder Egg toys.

        1. Why don’t you just go full brony and be done with it?

        2. Why do they do that? The toys are utter shite. We had a huge bin that we’d throw them in about 5 minutes after assembling them.

          1. I don’t ask why people collect the things they do, I just remembered she collected them and bought her some.

            Must every nice thing I do for someone be shat upon? WHY? WHY?

            1. Forget about it, Shug, its H’n’R.

              1. [sob]

            2. I don’t ask why people collect the things they do

              “Cause I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free…”

  11. I sent this story to Welch yesterday. I also grew up eating Kinder Surprise with no adverse effects. Except when the surprise was a puzzle. Those were fucking lame.

    1. Ah, you saw that in the Seattle Times, too.

      I think I commented on that story.

    2. You’re just angry because you couldn’t solve them. Hah!

    3. I never bought Kinder Eggs.

      When I buy chocolate, I want maximum mass of candy for my buck. Not only is the toy taking up space that could otherwise be filled with chocolate, but the actual amount of chocolate in those things is miniscule.

      1. How do you feel about candy coatings?

      2. Next you will be spouting some nonsense like how you don’t like (real) Smarties or Aeros or some other basic chocolate that Americans haven’t discovered yet. Kinders are a whole event. You unwrap the foil, do a Surprise-swap if so inclined, Surprise-assemblage, and then finally as an afterthought, eat the chocolate.

        1. Wait, we’ve been eating counterfeit Smarties in America? Are you telling me that Smarties are supposed to be chocolate??

          1. She has some bullshit kind of Smartie up there that isn’t compressed, flavored sugar.

          2. I like Flake bars. But you evil snow-bastards can keep that Violet Crumble shit to yourselves.

          3. Idiot. I am sure I’ve tried to educate you people on proper Smarties before. They have them in the British food section of the shmancy grocery store I go to in Seattle. Maybe whatever fetid hellhole you occupy doesn’t have a British food section; that’s not my problem.

            1. What kind of stupid degenerate would specifically seek out English food? You do stupid things.

            2. I bet you spell “endeavor” with a U. Hell’s a matteh witchu?

            3. Spotted Dick. Explain that one miss sophisticated eater.

          4. Our “Smarties” are like your “M M”s.

            Except instead of being candy-coated-dark-chocolate-flavored wax, ours are candy-coated-milk-chocolate-flavored wax.

            1. The squirrels ate my ampersand!

              1. At least they were smart enough not to go for the fucking MMs;.

            2. Have they started making Smaurties in different sizes? (The “u” makes it all British and shit.)

              The giant M+M is the downfall of the M+M. It thows of the delicate balance and lets the truly shitty taste of the cheap chocolate shine through. The mini M+M lets you revel in the only good part, the candy shell.

              The different sizes for the Reese’s Cup does the same, only the good part is the filling in that case.

            3. With more and prettier colours, Aresen. Way to bury the lede. They are also delicious, whereas M-AND-M’s (fuck you, ampersand squirrel) are wrong and gross.

              1. I didn’t like Smarties, but nothing can best the sheer awfulness of Maltesers, which I had on Limetree Island several times. They’re just nasty. Do you guys get them in Canadia?

                1. We have Whoppers, which are better.

              2. They are also delicious, whereas M-AND-M’s (fuck you, ampersand squirrel) are wrong and gross.

                You have that exactly backwards. What do they do to you up north to screw up your taste buds so bad?

          5. “Chocolate” at best.

            Canadian smarties are an evil, foul, nasty chocolate-like candy.

        2. Kinder Eggs were obviously invented by vulture-ous parents, as it’s more likely the kid will forget about the chocolate. The law protects kids in so many ways, it pays to just pass it and wait to see what’s in it.

          1. That is also the way to handle it if your kid eats the Kinder toy.

        3. They’ve probably never had ketchup chips either.

          1. No ketchup chips or dill pickle chips, or even all-dressed, either. Or the really wacky flavors you find at Superstore. One of my favorites was “ball-park hot dog.” How is that even a chip, and more importantly, why?

            1. We have dill pickle chips in Kentucky, a state-made brand. And they made a Sweet Bermuda Onion and a knock-off Funyan that is much better than the original.

              I’ve had the ketchup chip. I wasn’t impressed. I’d much rather have an HP sauce chip.

              1. Since you brought up Kentucky: I had a conversation today where some South Africans were trying to describe their version of moonshine to me (and no, I don’t remember the Afrikaans word they were using), but in order to describe it, one lady said “It’s… it’s like what they make in Kentucky.” I of course initially thought bourbon but eventually figured out what she meant. So that is your state’s illustrious international reputation.

                1. It’s a better international rep than cousin-fucking.

                  Are they bringing you some? Report back.

                  I’ve had something billed as “Transylvanian Moonshine.” It was pretty good, even if it did taste of caraway seeds. (It wasn’t K?mmel, though.)

                  1. Which Transylvania? The one in Romania or Kentucky?

                    1. Romania. It was given to my uncle by gypsies. (No, seriously.)

              2. Frickled Pickles.

            2. Have you had the szechuan chicken?
              I also like the hot wings blue cheese dressing.
              They’ve also got cheeseburger flavoUr now too

              1. No on the chicken, but I’ve had the others (I buy any weird bag of chips I see.) The hot dog flavor was just all mustard.

                Nothing really beats a well-made vinegar and salt, in my book. Maybe Grippo’s BBQ chips, which are the most heavily-dusted BBQ chips I’ve ever run into.

                (They actually sell the dust in shake-on containers around here as a rub for grilled meats.)

                1. Hammerhead in Louisville uses grippo dust on their fries. Yum. Not a big fan of the chips.

                  1. The crushed-up chips don’t make a half-bad coating for pan-fried chicken breasts.

  12. You silly Americans.

    1. Don’t be hatin’, Canadian. We got guns.

      1. And we can carry them loaded, outside the home. And we can use them to shoot intruders and stuff. Even Canadian intruders like Michael J. Fox and Mike Meyers.

        1. But mostly Justin Bieber. He really needs to be stopped by any means necessary.

          1. What about Carly Jae Repsen? She’s hit America hard with her Call Me, Maybe song. I find it insidiously catchy.

            1. Call me…


            2. Even Obama found it catchy

  13. “… U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s 1997 ruling declaring the toys an unacceptable choking hazard. The candy also violates a Food and Drug Administration rule against “nonnutritive items” in food.”

    is there anybody anywhere in the fucking universe who actually believes this sort of shit to be justifiable or beneficial?

    1. Yes, the people who run the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission believes this sort of shit is justifiable and beneficial.

      1. If your job is to regulate, then you’ve got to regulate things in order to justify your employment.

        Even if you know in your heart that what you’re doing is complete and utter bullshit, you’ve got a mortgage and kids in college to pay for.

        1. I’m against nearly all regulation, but especially so for consumers. I understand that imports pose a different problem due to inability to regulate the manufacturer, but it seems like an area where you just give up rather than try to patch perceived loopholes.

          1. different problem due to inability to regulate the manufacturer, but it seems like an area where you just give up rather than try to patch perceived loopholes.

            I dunno, it seems like if a product is considered safe in a modern, industrialized nation which is under the umbrella of most-favored trading partner, and has a working democracy, running water and indoor toilets, you could use some common sense. And yes, even with Canada.

            1. Canadians need their free healthcare with all those choking hazards.

      2. I meant people whose brains aren’t composed of bovine excrement.

    2. The FDA ban is probably intended to prevent them from mixing fillers (like sawdust, which was commonly used back in the day) into processed foods. That seems legit to me.

      1. Require sawdust on the label if it is in the product and move on.

      2. My father used sawdust to make cakes when he was in prison camp. If it was good enough for a POW, it’s good enough for American Consumers.

      3. A lot of the shit in candy is worse for you than sawdust.

  14. How are we citizens, all rational armchair economists the lot of us, supposed to weigh the pros and cons of an activity if we don’t even know that it’s illegal? The justification for ramping up fines is nearly always that the more you charge, the less you’ll get of an activity. If something is inherently dangerous, it makes more sense to fine people, though still little for other liberty related reasons. If it isn’t inherently dangerous, then it makes no sense to go after consumers, since they can’t tell that it’s dangerous, don’t know to look to seek out a law about it, and aren’t culpable.


  15. “Ms. Bird tried to bring an egg across the border and ran afoul…”

  16. Peak Retard? Not yet…

    1. Peak Retard is about as accurate as Peak Oil. It’s not even close yet.

  17. Why am I reminded of the asshole who sued in California courts over drag?es?

    1. Christ almighty, that’s sad and infuriating.

      The 56-year-old Pollock speaks with confident authority. Although he is an unreconstructed radical, he looks great in a lawyer’s crisp striped dress shirt, dress pants and tie. A former SDS member, he entered law school at the University of La Verne to help cleanse the system from within. His first encounter with dragees, he recalls, was in December 1992, when he was heading the Solano County district attorney’s environmental crime unit.

      Scratch a radical, find a control freak.

      1. He must believe his position to be society’s moral center.

      2. I read that link.

        I don’t even have to see Pollock’s face to know that it is punchable.

      3. Scratch a radical,

        and you didn’t stab him hard enough.

  18. The candy also violates a Food and Drug Administration rule against “nonnutritive items” in food.”

    I’m more of a Munch N’ Crunch kind of guy, but does that mean they don’t offer prizes in Cracker Jack boxes anymore?

    1. It’s not embedded into the food.

      Ring pops are a definite gray area.

      1. What about the lollipops with crickets in the center?

        Although I guess the crickets may be a nutritive item?

  19. Happy meals got toys, why not ban them?

    1. Don’t worry, Obama’s Fatass Extermination Czar is on it.

    2. That is a work in progress.

  20. This wouldn’t even be a story if they weren’t such dicks about it. These are banned, sorry we have to take them, have a nice day. Evidently not being retarded never occured to them.

  21. Ms. Bird tried to bring an egg across the border and ran afoul…

    Pun intended, or happy coincidence?

  22. These German toys are offensive, examples:

    1. Miniature Tiger Tank
    2. Toy stormtrooper bayoneting a frenchman.
    3. Velcro Hitler mustache

    1. Oh like you never bayoneted a frenchman.

      1. Do Quebecois count?

    2. 4. Flagpole. The flag is a swastika and the poll is an actual Pole with the flag sown into his skin.

  23. So if Kinder Eggs are banned, why aren’t fortune cookies?

    1. Anti-Canadian racism?

      1. Kinder Eggs are Italian.

        It’s because we want to weed out the stupid children that we allow them into our country, whereas the US allows them to grow up and breed.

  24. Every time I think the government jackboot can’t get more ridiculous, I’m proven wrong. Unbelievable.

  25. What mass-produced candy contains any NUTRITIVE substances in it?

    1. just wait until Michelle has her way. They’ll only produce vegetables and call them “candy”. Sugar based snacks will be outlawed… except for the protected class.

  26. Thes guys really seem to know what they are talking about.


  27. I was more amazed that someone was pulled over upon entering the US. I’ve crossed the border probably 200-300 times and not once have a got a second glance. I’ve even gone over…with brown people!

    1. About one time out of two they open my trunk and rummage around. I doubt they’d find the Kinder Eggs, though. They never found the liqueur-filled chocolates (they used to be illegal too, and we’d smuggle them all the time). Figured any country that banned chocolates had serious mental problems. Little did I know….

      1. I should point out that I don’t smuggle Kinder Eggs because I can get better chocolate here in Detroit–Gayle’s, for example.

  28. If customs enforcers wish to seize my Kinder confections, they may have to incorporate a gentle prying technique in order to extract them from my warm, shaved, bleached sphincter.

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