Brickbat: Officer Leatherface


Judy Sanchez says she heard someone pounding on the door of her Fitchburg, Massachusetts, apartment, and almost immediately after that someone started cutting through the door with a chainsaw. Several armed people rushed through the door forcing her and her family to the floor. It was a team of FBI agents who figured out about a half hour later they were supposed to raid the apartment next door.

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  1. I was on a date on Tuesday with a girl from Leominster. She told me that Fitchburg was her area's crappy-town that-everyone-picks-on.

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  2. me luvs sum hockey masks!

  3. I love the disingenuous knock first. If someone answered the door before they could start sawing, what do you bet the SWAT would be so startled they would shoot?

    1. Or perhaps the person answering the door would get there just as they started their "dynamic entry". Then it would basically be something out of Gears of War, except in real life.

      1. No, I bet Swat only uses retro lancers and sawed offs. Cheap bastards.

  4. Better dead than Red

  5. My bad.

  6. I remember this story from a million years ago. Using a chainsaw to cut through a door you could ram open in seconds is the height of professionalism. As is, of course, doing either of those things to the wrong door.

    1. Dude, the criminals could flush the evidence in the 3 seconds it would take them to read the address. Well, they're government officials, so it's more like 15 seconds. That's enough time to flush the evidence and load up on guns.

    2. It's all about intimidation.

      A chainsaw is much more terrifying and intimidating than a wimpy little battering ram.

      1. Rams worked for years, then one day J. Edgar noticed he wasn't as firm as he normally was during the dynamic entry. He tried over the counter pills and herbs but the excitement was gone-until a friend recommended new CHAINSAW...

        1. The Rams have only worked once since they left LA...OH HIYOOOOOO!

          1. Almanian, you are not in a place to make fun of other people's football teams.

            Hockey teams, okay.

        2. +1,000,000 internetz

    3. IIRC correctly from photos I've seen, it looked like the apartment door opened out into the hall (like the Dude's), so a ram would not have worked.

      Instead of a chainsaw, which takes time, why didn't they put a ribbon of C4 on the face of the door to blow a large enough hole in it for entry? Or does that only work in the movies?

      1. Sorry for the repetitive correctly, btw.

      2. Within moments, the chainsaw had cut through most of her door, and someone on the FBI's arrest team kicked the rest of it in.

        The video shows the replacement door opening in. I don't know about the original.

        1. Seems like you would just use a little saw to cut a semi-circle around the knob. Then the rest of the door could be kicked in easily, unless the person had one of those built-in floor stoppers...

          1. Or, you could just ring the doorbell, like civilized person.

  7. I am so glad both of my immediate neighbors are late middle-aged couples with empty nests. Hopefully, jackboots don't break down a door more than one off from the correct address.

  8. I'm certain the D A would drop all the charges as soon as you told him you shot through the door because you couldn't hear the shouts of, "POLICE! WE HAVE A WARRANT!" over the noise of the chainsaw.

    1. you told him you shot through the door

      How would you do that? You'd have been executed on the spot.

  9. I think our domestic terrortroopers find it unnerving when civilians shoot back. They *might* be too busy retreating to kill you.

    1. Even so, when they return in greater numbers, they will kill you if given a chance.

      That's why they took the job. For the opportunity to kill people.

      1. Sand PeopleSWAT thugs are easily frightened, but they'll soon be back; and in greater numbers.

        1. these blast points are too accurate for SWAT thugs, only Imperial Stormtroopers...wait, what?

          1. Wait a minute; how can Obi-wan recognize they're "too accurate," yet those Stormtroopers can't hit the broad side of a barn inside the Death Star?

            1. The Force. duh.

  10. Unfortunately, you will get credited with any friendly fire casualties.

    2) Officer Safety
    3) Isolated Incident?
    4) Thin Blue Line
    5) Officer Safety?
    6) Not Experts
    7) Dogs not shot...WHAT?? They'll need to work on that one.

    Otherwise - flawlessly executed conducted*!

    *no one was executed in conducting this raid - for now

    1. Pretty sure that without even a dog killed they consider this a failed mission.

      1. No, no, no, no! Mistakes were made, innocent people were terrorized, third-person-language was used....PERFECT!

      2. Maybe they have a drop canine that they can use when they accidentally bust into the wrong house.

        After discreetly dropping out the dog they shoot it and then tell reporters that it was coming right at it.

  12. Having actually used a chainsaw for its intended purpose, I can guarantee you that cutting through doors is a good way to have it kick back and bury itself in your face. Good luck officers.

    1. One can only hope...

    2. I'm pretty sure you'd be charged with assault if that happened. Just hope he doesn't accidentally kill himself.

    3. Yeah, it really seems like a skil saw would work a bit better.

    4. Yeah, and what about a sheet metal door?

  13. I could see this happening to me. Someone with a last name similar to mine lives in a house with the same number, one street over. The city's bureau of code enforcement once left me a notice meant for him.

  14. Another day, another "wrong door" raid. I'm just waiting for the day a SWAT team kicks in my door by accident and shoots my dog on purpose. The lawsuit's going to be epic.

    1. Imagine the apopolgies.
      "Look Mr. Loki, all that 'get down motherfucker' business was not personal, strictly professional. And that you elderly father shit himself... just invoice us for the pants. Ok?"

      1. What apologies?

        They would conveniently omit knocking down the wrong door in the police report (if it ain't in the report then it didn't happen), then in absence of witnesses or video evidence say "fuck you, you ain't getting shit".

  15. I bet the swat team wore hoodies

  16. Re-watching BSG, they had a good speech discussing why the military should not be police: the military exists to kill the enemy. The police exist to keep the peace. As the cops become more and more like the military, they are more and more taking on the military's role - against "civilians" whom they regard as the enemy.

    1. Man, I wish the days that there was scifi on TV.

  17. I'm surprised they haven't passed laws requiring all doors be made so that they can be easily breached by a ram...

    1. more to the point, why are fucking peasants allowed to bar entry to their govt-sanctioned domiciles?

      1. Good point. Since burglary is illegal, the only reason to lock your door is because you have something to hide, amirite?

        Next up: locking the doors to your house is outlawed, and anyone found with a locked door will be charged with impeding an occifer, resisting arrest, occifer endangerment (because of the chainsaw, duh), and unmutual behavior.

        Since such a person is obviously a career criminal, maximum force will be authorized for their apprehension.

        1. Apprehension? Clearly these individuals are too dangerous to even attempt to apprehend. Better send in the drones.

  18. In the operating room we do a timeout before any actual cutting begins where everyone verifies and agrees to the patient's identity and the procedure to be done. It only takes a couple seconds, and it helps a lot to cut down on surgical errors. It seems perfectly reasonable that police could do a similar thing before sawing down somebody's front door.

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