It's the End of the World As We Know It, and Both Communism and Kit-Kats Are Involved


Remember the two scientists who theorized that early malfunctions at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) were a result of an angry future force somehow sabotaging efforts in the present to prove the existence of the Higgs boson—occasionally referred to as "the God particle"—and thus resolve fundamental mysteries about the universe? Ah, science.

It was never quite clear what form this irate, past-tampering future would take: bread-crumb dropping birds, perhaps? But we may have found its emissary (OK, probably not). He comes dressed in tweed, and warns that the LHC will usher in a new era of global communism and, uh, Kit-Kats.

A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.

The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.

Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender.

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."

Read the whole thing, if only for the introduction of Professor Brian Cox, who is identified as "a CERN physicist and full-time rock'n'roll TV scientist."

Read Reason's Ron Bailey on whether the LHC is likely to cause the end of the world.

Update: This is an old story, and I completely failed to pay attention to its date: April, 2010. It's still funny! Update 2: Yes, that would be April 1, 2010.