Less Bach, more Bacchanalia on College Campuses, Please


Tina Brown's Daily Beast has provided this important service to parents with college-bound kids: It has ranked the Top 25 colleges by the horniness and the beauty of the student body.

Beauty is easy enough to measure and important too, afterall, because "who wants to spend four years in Uglyville." But how does this probing investigation measure horniness?

One metric is whether the schools land on Playboy's best party school list.  That's fair enough. But then the fashion diva suddenly loses her moxie and turns charmingly old fashioned (or lazy). She doesn't actually try and nail how much sex kids are having with each other, with themselves, or other campus creatures. Or employ any other direct metric of sexual activity like condom sales or clap outbreaks. Rather, she relies on proxies such as whether or not the male-and-female ratio is evenly balanced. Campuses where it is get more points than those where it isn't. Why? Because that evidently ensures that both genders have a "fair shot at a hookup." Obviously, the Daily Beast staff has missed Lady GaGa's polyamorous revolution. Nor has it read I am Charlotte Simons, Tom Wolfe's execrable account of how girls go to college to meet their inner nymphomaniac not their soul mates.

But the interesting thing about the two rankings is just how little overlap there is between the two lists. Only five colleges make it to both lists, which tells us what? Beautiful people don't have a lot of sex? Or ugly people do?

So, parents, here is the $200,000 question for you: What do you want your kids to have in their campus experience? Quality or quantity?

Of the five schools on both lists, the school with the best-combined score—14— is actually University of Wisconsin, Madison, a public school. This means that Wisconsin parents can look forward to paying in-state tuition rates to provide four years of a genuinely balanced and cost-effective sex life for their kids.

On Wisconsin!

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  1. Sodom State and The University of Gomorrah didn’t even place?

    1. I am sure there are some San Francisco and/or New Jersey schools in there.

  2. I wonder if the gender balance hypothesis is totally wrong – I thought I read recently that schools where females outnumber males by a certain margin see increased sexual activity as the females compete for the limited population of males. I don’t know what the reverse would be.

    1. I know what the reverse would be. Don’t send your kids to an engineering school if you want them to bang enough chicks.

      Fuck, I hated undergrad.

      1. That, and maybe the service academies, but aren’t they mostly engineering schools as well?

      2. Or, encourage your daughters to study a male-dominated subject like engineering so she can get some strange every night.

        1. No slut is slutty like a CS nerdslut. They’re highly appreciated.

          1. You’re talking about yourself, right?

            1. I wasn’t a slut, I was a buttslut. You of all people should understand the difference.

              1. Oh, I do. I so do.

      3. My boss was walking through his high school gym one day when the dance teacher asked if he would be interested in taking the dance (ballet) class because they needed burly men to lift the female dancers. When his football buddies made fun of him, he just asked them how many chicks vs. how many dudes they spent their time with. He ended up majoring in ballet in college. Talk about strange every night!

        This is when I knew he was a very smart man and would be a decent boss.

        1. GENIUS

          My stupid podunk high school didn’t have ballet. I’ll make sure to give my kids the poontang opportunities I lacked.

          1. I, on the other hand, went to college in DC and majored in international relations. A sausage fest it was not. Shoulda gone to the University of Montana and majored in animal science or some shit.

            1. Lumberjack school. They have schools, right?

              1. Yeah, but you have to work all night and sleep all day.

                1. Kristen is a were-vampire wood sprite. Or so I’ve heard.

        2. A friend and I took tap-dancing one semester in college. There was only one other guy in the class, and he was gay. I stopped going after I realized the instructor actually expected me to learn to tap dance.

          There were some hotties in the class, for sure.

          Shuffle ball change, heel ball change . . .

          1. Jazz Hands! Jazz Hands!

        3. I took a gymnastics class in college. There were 4 guys in a class of 40. We had/got to spot the women on routines as well. That was the best class EVAR.

      4. I’m hearing ya, Warty. You should’ve tried CWRU in the late 70s, with about 7 guys per girl, and they were usually bowsers. Biggest mistake of my life.

        1. The funny thing is, some of the Case girls look pretty cute now. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m older and dirtier and have lower standards, or if they’re actually cuter now.

    2. ^This.

      Sometimes for a woman the best reason to have sex is to make sure another woman doesn’t.

      That’s less in play in situations where the genders are evenly balanced.

    3. The reverse leads to TBS – Tech Bitch Syndrome. As named by a writer for the GT paper when I was an undergrad (the article got him hated and laid, so, ummm, good for him).

      Its true. It took freshman women about a quarter to figure out what a 3:1 ratio means for them.

      There is even a song about it. [Warning, white, nerdy guys rapping] The song is scary, because even 20 years later things havent really changed.

  3. Wisconsin? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sure they’re horny and drunk, but come on.

    1. Fat girls need love, too, ProL, bedsores be damned.

      1. “Beauty of the student body.”

        1. All that means is that they have to be horny enough to make up for it. Didn’t you take statistics?

          1. I did, but I also went to the University of Florida.

            1. Well…I hope you got AIDS.

              1. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.

                1. I went to UF too, so I completely believe.

                2. I need an example of these unbelievable acts. You know, for…..research purposes.

      2. Yeah, but they gotta pay.

  4. Have we won in Labia yet?

  5. UW? Seriously?

    Now, what with all the heavy drinking there, I can believe there is a very good hook-up rate.

    And there were (and I trust still are) some real cuties there, but no way is it a top 25 school on that front.

    1. UConn was always featured in Playboy’s top party schools, and had plenty of hooking up and good looking people, yet isn’t on the list, so I have a feeling this list is as stupid as any other “top x of y” list. I mean, VH1 knows the top 100 songs of all time, so why can’t these guys get the schools right?

    2. It is, of course, utter bullshit. I imagine payola is involved.

      1. Let’s comment anyway!

  6. Seeing my alma mater at number 3 is rather amusing.

    1. On the horniest that is. We would probably be in the top 20 ugliest campuses.

      1. Apatheist,

        They included U of Oregon on the horniest list. Jeez, come on, those stink-fucks down in Eugene are so blambed on BC Bud they couldn’t get laid if they wanted to.

  7. Can someone do a similar survey for companies? I am waaaaaay too pretty to be working at my current job.

  8. Ann Althouse on that Liquifying the dead instead of cremation because cremation isn’t green:

    “Here’s my question: Isn’t old-fashioned burial greener? It’s carbon sequestration, right?”…..ation.html

    1. I just can’t believe they had to start that here in St. Petersburg. I’m not psychologically prepared to drink the dead. Not yet.

      1. Kind of takes the whole “wake” thing to a different level, no?

        1. You are not of the Ichwan Bedwine, outsider. Do not mock Fremen ways!

      2. You dont grok* it?

        *A chance to use the word in its orginal context doesnt come up very often.

        1. Wasn’t that eating the dead? I don’t remember any drinking, though it’s been a while since I read the book.

          1. No drinking. And it was all endocannibalism.

          2. Supposedly the Martian etymology of the word had it as a variant of “to drink”.

            1. They make a broth out of Smith’s finger after he is killed and drink it. (I had forgot that part, thanks Wikipedia!)

              1. See, a broth seems to me more like cannibalism. I’m thinking Dune deathstills are the better analogy.

      3. I’m not psychologically prepared to drink the dead. Not yet.

        We feel like Greeks, we feel like Romans
        Centaurs and monkeys just cluster round us
        We drink elixirs that we refine
        From the juices of the dying
        We are no monsters, we’re moral people
        And yet we have the strength to do this
        This is the splendour of our achievement
        Call in the airstrike with a poison kiss

        1. Huh. Guess they predicted this development.

          Me, I’m not buying that my water is the tribe’s. No drinkee.

        2. +eleventy for quoting theat song. The highpoint of Shriekback’s career, although I still like Big Night music.

  9. I wasn’t exactly replacing mattresses everyday in college – but that’s what I get for going to the same school as my HS girlfriend.

  10. Penn State isn’t in the top 100, much less the top 30. And although it is a smaller school, in terms of the attractiveness of the average female on campus, Vanderbilt does not take a back seat to anyone.

  11. Did you see the photos of the students from Alabama. How the hell did they get named the third best looking school. The girls would have trouble giving it away and the guy, he might not be able to get laid at the Bunny Ranch with a wallet full of 100’s. What bullshit, did the Whitehouse do this?

    1. No, Alabama belongs high on the list. At least, it did the last time I had direct knowledge.

  12. A lot of the BwV turns me on, but I may be an outlier.

  13. FSU at #4 is perfectly acceptable but UVA and William & Mary even ranking is so egregious that it invalidates whatever methodology was used and therefore the entire list.

    Those schools have the ugliest women in the mid-Atlantic outside of Duke.

    1. outside of Duke

      University of New Jersey-Durham, you mean?

    2. Yeah, the existence of W&M on that list completely invalidates their ranking system (spoken as a JMU grad).

  14. Wesleyan is the horniest university. That figures. A friend of my wife’s daughter went there. She is a total whore. Married some rich Portuguese guy only to have a huge wedding and dump him six months later for his richer best friend.

  15. Beauty:

    2. Wisconsin
    15. Auburn
    22. Ohio St
    unranked. Clemson

    Im called bullshit.

    A. Clemson is Auburn with a lake, they should have the exact same score (unless you award Clemson bonus points for the lake).

    B. Have they been on either campus (auburn or clemson)? Absolute bullshit even thinking any B1G school outscores them.

    C. I went to Wisconsin for grad school. Georgia Tech had hotter coeds (although far fewer in number).

    1. Yeah. South Carolina and Mississippi have the highest density of hot college chicks of any of the fifty states. No way does a place like Wisconsin or Ohio State have better looking women than the four major state schools from South Carolina and Mississippi.

      1. Ole Miss was ranked #1, so only 3 were ranked below Wisconsin.

  16. My alma mater ranked right where it belongs, number one. I am one of those lucky few actually to find gainful employment in Oxford, Miss. without having to work for the University, and by God is it glorious.

    1. I hope you are not married. Otherwise it would be torture.

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