Movies

Bad Teacher

...and bad movie.

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The one (and only, I'm afraid) good thing that can be said about Bad Teacher is that it has some wonderfully pungent lines. My hopes were certainly raised when Cameron Diaz' character stormed into her fiancé's house yelling "Get yourself hard, 'cause I'm gonna suck your dick like I'm mad at it!" All right!

Unfortunately, the rest of the movie speed-races downhill. The usually appealing stars—Diaz, Jason Segel, Justin Timberlake, and the great Lucy Punch—are sadly miscast. And the ill-shaped script—by two writers whose only previous feature credit is the woeful Year One—constitutes an affront to the gods of plausibility.

Diaz plays Elizabeth Halsey, a hot-tramp teacher at an Illinois middle school. Elizabeth arrives in her classroom in tight red sheath dresses, stiletto heels, and impenetrable black shades to hide her hangover eyes. She keeps bottles of minibar liquor in a desk drawer and smokes pot in the parking lot outside. She's hostile and insulting to her fellow teachers, and her classes consist of screening DVDs for her puzzled students of old movies related to the subject of education. (We see her starting off with Stand and Deliver.) Her only goal in life is to snag a rich man to support her; so when her wealthy fiancé understandably dumps her, she decides that her sole hope of corralling a well-heeled husband is to purchase "a new pair of tits."

If it need be said, Cameron Diaz, with her big sweet smile and her effervescent light-comic touch, is the last actress you'd expect to be playing such a grotesque and unlikeable caricature. (Even in our current era of out-of-control teachers unions, a wanton tart like Elizabeth wouldn't last a day in any conceivable school.) A sleazy sexpot is far beneath her talents, and in any case she lacks the overblown physical equipment to be convincing in the part. As if anyone could.

In an effort to raise the money for her desired breast-augmentation, Elizabeth starts hitting up parents for cash in exchange for individually mentoring their offspring. When this proves an insufficient plan, she takes over the school's annual student car-wash fundraiser, with an eye toward embezzling the profits. In one of the movie's many ridiculous sequences, we watch Elizabeth, in tiny cutoffs and belly-baring top, with spurting hose in hand, writhing lewdly atop wet, soapy automobiles. An urge to avert one's eyes is difficult to resist.

Also beached in the moronic shallows of this story is Timberlake, playing a prissy new substitute teacher named Scott, upon whom Elizabeth instantly sets her sights once she learns he's independently loaded. Scott—if you can believe, and you can't—is "not ready" for sex yet, and the scene in which he and Elizabeth dry-hump on a bed all the way to ejaculation sets a new standard in off-putting idiocy. Justin Timberlake as a bow-tie-wearing milquetoast? What was director Jake Kasdan thinking? If anything.

Poor Lucy Punch is stranded in the role of…well, I'm afraid her character's name is Amy Squirrel, in the witless manner in which others are called "Wally Snur" and "Garrett Tiara." Amy is a lovably burbly fellow teacher who attempts to befriend Elizabeth, but of course is harshly rebuffed. When Scott selects Lucy as the object of his limp romantic affections, Elizabeth is infuriated, and vows revenge. Punch, a virtuoso of adorability, is eventually trashed by Elizabeth in a cruelly unpleasant way—and we're apparently expected to think that's just fine because…um, because the script says so.

Jason Segal is wasted in the underwritten part of the school phys-ed coach. But John Michael Higgins, a sharp supporting-character specialist, has some funny scenes as the school principal (whose obsession with porpoises, unfortunately, has no payoff); and so does Phyllis Smith, playing a shy, well-meaning teacher named Lynn. Unfortunately, Smith is at the center of a lame, dated pot-smoking scene, in which she takes the first puff of her life and immediately scurries off saying "I'm gonna go get a hot dog."

The picture is a lumpy chowder of improbability. There's a desk-switching plot point that's startlingly dumb; and when Elizabeth decides—for devious reasons, of course—to turn into a real teacher, and start schooling her students in the riches of To Kill a Mockingbird, this sudden eruption of literary cultivation comes out of nowhere. And when she gives forth with the line, "That's my spiel, as the Jews say," you just want the movie to stop, and go away. Unfortunately, that leaden remark crops up rather early on.

Kurt Loder is a writer living in New York. His third book, a collection of film reviews called The Good, the Bad and the Godawful, will be published in November by St. Martin's Press.


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  1. The usually appealing stars?Cameron Diaz

    Stop right there. Appealing? Only if you’re into jack o’lanterns.

    1. Or ogres.

    2. Man-on-pumpkin sex is an inalienable right…and should be taught to school children.

      1. Yes!

        See Jim Jarmush’s Night On Earth.

        1. Why would you watch anything by Jarmusch? Watching reruns of the 1979 Canadian curling championships would be more exciting.

          1. Jarmusch is truly excruciating.

            1. On this, we agree 100%.

            2. I think the only Jarmusch movie I’ve seen is Dead Man. It was very, very good at times, but infuriatingly short of the mark most of the time.

              1. Ghost Dog was okay too

          2. TSN2 will show that opposite the NHL finals.

    3. Beat me to it.

    4. I think he meant appalling.

      1. You guys are so mean! I mean, she looks better than Sarah Jessica Parker at least. Right?

        1. Wiiiiiiilber! Diaz is OK, but she ruins it the second she moves or opens that thing under her nose.

          To be fair, I think Diaz was born for this role and I’m not sure how much of it is actual acting.

        2. You bring up an interesting point, because there actually was a very brief window when both Parker and Diaz could be considered extremely attractive.

    5. Her mouth is too big for her head, and her head is too big for her body.

    6. Recently I’ve been wondering what all those women who got their lips collogenized will look like when they’re, say, 55 or so.

  2. The trailer for the new Jason Statham movie wins the prize for best ever use of “based on a true story.”

    http://www.avclub.com/articles/killer-elite,58009/

    Look for it just after a guy tied to a chair jumps through a 4th story window to escape. 🙂

    1. Omar has done similar in The Wire!

  3. I agree the movie looks awful. It does seem odd that you say Segal is underused but the previews all show him as the co-star.

    But I disagree that Diaz is miscast. I’m not really a fan of hers, but I always thought she was miscast as sweet, innocent type. I always thought she should play bitchy roles like this. It is much more like the way she comes off in real life.

    1. I’ll bet she’s most like her character in Vanilla Sky

      1. Cameron Diaz’s best role is the one she plays in

      2. Nah. Being John Malkovich

        1. Thank you, sage.

  4. I take Kurt at his word that it’s a stupid movie, but I just might want to see it anyway. I wonder if my bitterness over my experiences in the government-run, compulsion-based school system might lend it a kind of schadenfreude for me.

  5. I have no idea about anything at all relating to this movie, but is the tagline “Get yourself hard”?

  6. Name a recent, major studio comedy that isn’t everything that Loder just described this movie as. Come on, let’s hear it.

    1. Avatar? Oh wait, you mean and *intentional* comedy.

      One of the only comedies in the past 20 years or so that’s worth a moment of anyone’s time is Tropic Thunder. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is a decent 2nd place.

      1. Tropic Thunder? A fucking Ben Stiller movie? You have worse taste than week-old roadkill, dude.

        1. It was funny in spite of Stiller’s presence. He can usually kill a comedy faster than botulism. Don’t forget it had the barely tolerable Jack Black in it too.

          I have better taste than Epi, it seems. Jim Fucking Carey?

          1. I said Ace Ventura, not “every movie with Jim Carey in it”. And it’s a fucking funny movie. If you haven’t seen it in a long time, try it again and then compare to, say, a Judd Apatow piece of shit.

            1. I liked Mystery Men, though again, Ben Stiller was the lowpoint.

            2. This is the benchmark for what’s funny now? It’s not an Apatow train wreck?

              Nah, I didn’t like Ventura the first time around; Carey drops smoking turds as much as Stiller does. Doubt I’d like it today.

              1. Yeah, it is the benchmark now, because that’s who is making comedies now.

                And Jim, I thought I was going to like Mystery Men, went into it with some excitement, and then proceeded to become so fucking bored that I turned it off. Which is why I don’t get excited any more.

                1. To this day I quote the line, “Yeah, they [the police] said he fell down an elevator shaft…onto some bullets.”

              2. carey did man in the moon and truman show though, which were awesome movies, albeit not comedies. his dramatic roles are actually his best, although cable guy has a lot of chahm

                1. Man in the Moon is actually really fucking good; just watched it again recently. It doesn’t hurt that I love Andy Kaufman, or that it was a Milos Forman movie.

                2. cable guy blows, and these movies aren’t THAT bad. Just not masterpieces.

        2. Stiller is best indicator of shitiness there is.

          1. Stiller usually does suck, but the Zero Effect is a fantastic movie.

            1. I think Zoolander is pretty damn funny too.

        3. Hey, we owe that movie for the phrase “full retard”. I think that’s worth something.

      2. Ace Ventura was fucking funny. The Hangover was not.

        1. I know I’ll get shit for saying it, but Observe and Report was fucking hilarious.

          [grabs trash can lid to shield from impending barrage of rotten fruit illegals didn’t get picked]

          1. Observe and Report was alright, as was the Foot Fist Way.

            Pineapple Express was bloody good.

            1. Really? I just couldn’t get into it.

              I’d love to say The Slammin’ Salmon, but no major studio picked it up.

              If we’re talking major studios, I thought Dinner For Schmucks came close, but still didn’t quite get there.

              1. Steve Carrell is poison. Just a fuckhead.

                1. It isn’t just Carrell. It’s Apatow, Rogan, the dude from The Hangover that’s also on The Office, Zak Galfuckheadtonsils or whatever the fuck his name is, and anyone who has ever been on SNL.

                  I sort of wish the Always Sunny crew would do a movie, but if it sucked it would break the heart I don’t actually have.

                  1. Galafanakis is a funny fucker. Has always been good on Tim and Eric etc. Skipping the commercial comedy movies he’s drafted into for “quirkiness” is probably wise though.

                    1. Fuckety Fuck is a funny fucking fucker, especially when he pairs with that other fucking funny fuck…what the fuck is that fucker’s name…John fucking something…

        2. The Hangover was indeed a shitty, un-funny movie.

          1. I got about halfway through and gave up in favor of waxing my ex ma-in-law’s back.

            disclaimer: I liked Starship Troopers

            1. disclaimer: I liked Starship Troopers

              I would have liked it despite its jackass campy tone, but it was a wasted opportunity that failed to flaunt a naked 20-some year-old pre-pregnant Denise Richards. That ship has sailed folks…

              Is she naked in any movie?

              1. She’s naked on Cinemax almost every day this month, you’re not serious right?

              2. You’ve obviously never seen Wild Things

                1. I just looked for fun… “Wild Things” tonight on “Thriller Max”, tomorrow night on “@ Max”, and Monday night on regular old “Cinemax”. Apparently they are taking the Sabbath off though.

        3. The Hangover was tolerable enough, at least when you compare it to, say, a Judd Apatow piece of shit. At least it allowed you to fantasize about knocking that one dude’s teeth out, right?

          1. i’ll admit i liked zoolander. otoh, i HATE meet the parents and its progeny

            1. I have a soft-spot in my heart for Zoolander as well. I often say, “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!” when people are missing something obvious.

            2. I liked Zoolander. It worked, which is more than you can say for most Stiller films.

              1. Zoolander was horrible. As is everything with Stiller in it.

                1. I should have added Stiller to the poison list above. He is tedious beyond belief.

                2. It wasn’t the greatest movie ever, but I liked it well enough. Despite Stiller.

      3. Wet Hot American Summer.

        1. Absolutely funny.. and erotic.. sorta..

      4. One of the only comedies in the past 20 years or so that’s worth a moment of anyone’s time is Tropic Thunder. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is a decent 2nd place.

        Galaxy Quest, 1999.

        1. Yeah, I’m going to have to bring that down to 10 years. There is some good stuff that I had forgotten about.

        2. I agree about Tropic Thunder, also add “Tommy Boy” and “Dodgeball” to the list.

      5. Bad. Santa.

        1. Fuck. Yes.

    2. Does the South Park movie count as a major studio comedy? How about Team America?

      1. You’re right; when I thought of “shitty comedy”, Trey and Matt’s movies didn’t even pop into my head since they’re so much better. And I guess all the Jackass movies are “comedies” too.

        1. Still, it’s a small list. Has there been anything in the nerdy-dipshits-trying-to-get-laid-before-graduation genre in the last 25 years that’s not pure shit?

          1. You didn’t like Pineapple Express?

            1. I figured I saw it the first time, when it was Superbad. Should I give it a chance?

              1. Yeah, it’s a hell of a lot better (I didn’t like Superbad). Goes all Shane Black action movie at the end, which is pretty awesome. Also has plenty of Danny McBride.

                1. superbad was good imo. i tend to avoid comedies, but i liked that one

              2. I was thinking Pineapple Express might be ok, and then I 1) heard from some friends I trust that it was crap; 2) realized that it was produced by Apatow and written by Rogan. Those two strikes were enough for me to forgo it.

                1. But it was directed by David Gordon Green.

                  Good movie.

                  1. PE was good and Superbad was really good.

          2. Your 25 year limit just barely squeezes Real Genius out of the running.

            A few of the National Lampoons pieces of crap were mildly amusing. The one with Michele Trachtenberg had a few moments. And Michele Trachtenberg.

            1. I saw the clip of her flashing cars, and figured I saw the important part of the movie.

              Wait, isn’t that the movie where Jenna Haze or equivalent is a dominatrix? I may have to see it after all.

              1. Don’t bother.

                If you want “funny, trying to get laid,” you need to go out and find Puddle Cruiser. It’s a little stiff, but you could see the brilliance in those guys starting to come out.

            2. I never understood the appeal of National Lampoon Anything. Granted, I only watched one and part of another but that was enough to wish the whole family in it died in a fire. Especially the stupid dad. I actually would like the movies if it were just him dying over and over in hilarious reiterations.

              1. Um, Cytoxic:

                National Lampoon’s: Animal House

                It was also where John Hughes, PJ O’Rourke and Harold Ramis got their starts.

                1. Whoops! Forget that one, though I haven’t seen it I know it’s good.

                2. The first Vacation was great.

                  1. Yeah, the first Vacation still makes me laugh, and it was almost, what, thirty years ago? I didn’t know John Hughes wrote the screenplay until today.

          3. American Pie

          4. Grandma’s Boy was funny.

            A few of Sandler’s movies are mildly amusing.

          5. You know what? If you switch the sexes, and the goals that are inherent to that switch, Clueless would do it. Instead of a nerd growing up and getting laid by hot girl, it’s a shallow shopper growing up and becoming intellectually respected while having a good-looking, cool, and conscientious older boyfriend.

            1. It was pretty decent. Of course, it’s a modern adaptation of Emma, so it’s interesting that you would compare it to the nerd-coming-of-age category.

    3. Almost anything with John C Reilly in it is worth a look when you’re hungover.

      1. O Rly? Like fucking Will Ferrell movies? You’re fucking dead to me, db! You hear me? DEAD!

        1. What can I say dude, I’m big enough fan of John C Reilly to put up with all kinds of stuff.

            1. Big talk from a Jake Busey fan.

              😉

              1. I am a fan of all things Busey, including things descended from Gary Busey. Did you see his guest stuff on Entourage? Fucking great, and Drama being terrified of him was hilarious.

                1. I’m a big Busey fan too, and actually have a soft spot for his son’s stuff.

                  1. Why don’t you two Busey-loving homos get a room. That buck-toothed moron almost ruined Starship Troopers for me…until those beanbag tits Dina Meyer was sporting did it.

                    /:)

                    1. i’ll always have a soft spot for busey based on

                      1) big wednesday (hey, it’s cheez … but i’m a surfer)
                      2) 48 hrs
                      3) point break (see above)
                      4) his AWESOME DUI booking photo

                    2. Point Break is the best movie EVA.

                      Gotta love him in Lethal Weapon too.

                      Nick Nolte had the best mugshot, and was the one in 48hrs.

                    3. Also, Extreme Prejudice was a great Nolte film.

                    4. my bad. ugh

                    5. Atone yourself by following this twitter account:

                      https://twitter.com/#!/Nick_Nolte

                    6. Big Wednesday. Prolly in my top ten. Although, I’m a surfer too.

                    7. You sure you’re not thinking of Nick Nolte?

        2. Elf was good. And Groundhog Day is a classic!

          1. Will Ferrell is the exemplification of the ultra-shitty, unbelievably unfunny SNL alum who churns out D grade shit like it’s going out of style and still manages to think they’re comic geniuses.

            There’s a reason SNL has been abjectly horrible since about 1984, and Will Ferrell is part of that reason.

            1. Ferrell was really good in Eastbound and Down though.

            2. I actually agree with you completely here Epi. Elf was the exception.

            3. Ferrell hasn’t headlined a decent movie since Roxbury.

              The Ladies Man was probably the best of the SNL movies from that group, but I may be biased to because of Tiffani Amber Thiessen’s enormous titties.

              1. Clicks on link-OH MY GOD they might be large enough to form their own pair of countries.

              2. I’ll get shit for this for sure but my all time favorite comedy stars both Stiller and Diaz. I’ll just slink off slowly so you all can get in a shit kicking.

                1. ferrelly bros are good, i agree

                2. Mary was a good movie, but it could ave been so much better if Stiller’s role had been played by a cardboard cutout and his dialogue been voiced-over by Morgan Freeman. Or Morgan Fairchild for that matter.

                  Oh, and if the outer 6 inches on each side of Diaz’s mouth had been stitched back up.

                  *On a related topic, why was Diaz not cast in the role of The Joker in the last Batman flick? She could have sold the knife scene a lot better than that dead guy, whatshisname.

            4. re: Farrell – I was really hoping Anchorman might be worthwhile. It’s not like local news isn’t ripe for satire/parody. Instead, it was ~ 2 hours of Farrell acting like he was acting like an idiot.

              1. Did enjoy “jazz flute” though.

              2. i will give ferrell props for using his (awful) physique to great effect. it’s not quite as good as the sasha baron cohen nekkid wrestling stuff in borat or chris farley in the chippendale’s scene, but farrelly does use it to good comedic effect

                liberals love hisGWB impression

                1. I must be the only guy on the planet who hates Sasha Baron Cohen. How your inner Anglophobe meter doesn’t bust through the red zone with his presence in a movie or tv show, is a mystery to me.

              3. Come on dude, Anchorman was funny. The dry sense of humor was unique I thought.

      2. I’m not sure I share your love, but I will say that John C. Reilly made parts of Magnolia funny, which is no small feat.

      3. Loved Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.

          1. He’s hilarious in “Boogie Nights” too… I love you, you love me. Going down the sugar tree. I can’t keep a straight face when I see that.

    4. Does Election count as recent? That would seem to be a no-brainer.

      1. Election is a good one, yes.

          1. Excellent, excellent point, Jim. Once again, the shit that’s really good I don’t even think of because my brain does not classify it in the same arena as a standard “comedy” movie.

            And besides, Jim, the only thing bull semen has ever done for me is activate my gag reflex.

            1. The drum solo…OF LIFE!

            2. you’ve just got to desensitize your uvula dood!

    5. Well, I don’t suppose Idiocracy could be called recent. Ratatouille?

      You know, you’re right. It’s been a while since the last good comedy film.

    6. I’ve heard Thank You for Smoking is pretty good. And I thought Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead were alright.

      1. Thank You For Smoking is good, though I wouldn’t exactly put it down as a standard comedy.

        Really want to blow your mind? Look up who wrote the book, and who that person’s father is.

    7. Just thought of another one-Burn After Reading. Not uproarious, but funny in a different way.

      1. I agree with you on both Thank You… and Burn After Reading. The deadpan last lines of the latter had my friends and I on the floor.

        1. Malkovitch.

        2. I love the Coens. I mean they managed to get laughs just by having a picture of Putin visible during the Russian embassy scene.

    8. Not recent, but awesome.

      Young Frankenstein.

      Zipper-neck…awesome…

  7. “Rated ARRGH for pirates! Fuck you!”

  8. I had a teacher just like this once. Only it was a man, and he was fired for having sex with a 14 year old 8th grader (she was held back). Also, he wasn’t funny just terrifying and mean.

    1. Really? I had a teacher like this once. She had huge tits, the personality of a 16 year old, and a flirty demeanor. Luckily, I enjoyed three years on and off of watching her jump out my bedroom window before my mom came home.. Ohh the memories.

  9. Breaking: LulzSec leaks Arizona law enforcement papers

    http://www.boingboing.net/2011…..l#comments

    1. Why do I feel like there’ll be a no-knock raid at my door the moment my mouse pointer hovers over the TPB link?

    2. I found the comments of as much interest.

      Thanks.

  10. My biology teacher in 9th grade kept a roadkill cat, with guts hanging out and everything, in the classroom freezer. On at least once occasion, he put a rope on it and dangled it outside the window of the class downstairs, much to everyone’s horror. Why can’t old Mr. Schreiber get a movie?

    1. My 9th grade science teacher was a bit oogly in the face (kinda longish with an overbite, and Gollum like eyes) but a hell of a nice figure. She liked to wear tight jeans and no underwear and her huge camel toe was the talk of the ninth grade class. Damn. Excuse me a sec . . .

  11. Way OT: why know Reason report on Geert Wilder’s triumph?

  12. Anyone like Super Troopers (on the subject of recent good comedy films)?

      1. Really, Epi?

        1. Really, sloopy. I found stoner humor to be almost universally retarded (Cheech and Chong are exempted) when I smoked more weed than Dave Chappelle on a bender; I find it even more retarded now that I don’t.

          1. Is it kind of like looking through your old prescription glasses while wearing contacts?

            1. No. It’s like watching retarded stoner humor.

          2. Er…upthread you said you like Aqua Teen hunger Force etc…?

            1. ATHF is not stoner humor, though I assume stoners probably enjoy it. It is absurdist comedy, sort of like Monty Python in that much of the time it makes no “sense”, in the traditional definition of “sense”. The humor comes from the absurdity and the characters’ personalities.

              Stoners often love Monty Python, but I doubt anyone would call Monty Python “stoner humor”.

      2. Huh. I thought Brian Cox made that film.

        1. Best Brian Cox line of all time?

          “A wee whiff of quim in the morning, Mr. Cunningham, sir.”

          Also, and OT, Ron Artest has filed in LA Superior Court today to have his name officially changed to “Metta World Peace.”

    1. I do. Fuck Epi. “Who wants a moustache ride?”

      Every other movie those dudes have made is utter shit, by the way. Pure garbage.

      1. What the fuck, Warty? The Slammin’ Salmon was hilarious.

        “Meat-drapes? Who is Guy Meat-drapes?”

        Sorry, but you need to take another look at that one.

    2. I watched it high the first time, and I loved it. Watched it a few months later with barely a beer buzz in my head and thought it was pure shit. Watched it on PCP like a year later and I felt the love again.

      The movie has turned into an experiment in mind alteration for me.

      1. However, throwing a fire extinguisher at a hippie struttin’ around like he is as fucking Phish concert will always be funny no matter the mental state.

  13. oh, and is “Snatch” considered a comedy. imo, it’s awesome. and before anybody tries to get all purist and claim it’s predecessor was better… i disagree

    1. Not a Guy Ritchie fan. At all.

      Croupier was 100x better than any of his movies.

  14. what about Office Space? that was fucking hilarious

    1. ‘PC LOAD LETTER’ What the fuck does that mean?!

    2. YES of course. See Epi there are good comedies out there. Not many but enough.

      Movies lately-all kinds-have sucked. Seriously, before going to X-men 1st Class (pretty good and I don’t really care for X-men) I hadn’t been in a cinema for months and months. Given the trailers I saw when I went to see X-men 1st Class, that’s not going to change. With the very possible and very shameful exception of Transformers.

      1. …and very shameful exception of Transformers.

        You and me both Toxy. You and me both.

    3. Office Space was pretty good, but it suffers the same fate all Mike Judge movies and TV shows (after B&B) suffer: they’re just a little too “meh”. He has some really good moments, but it just doesn’t gel as a coherent whole. Plus, he’s not remotely offensive enough.

      1. Pretty good summary of MJ. I enjoy his stuff, but have to put a delimiter on how I rank them for the reasons you mentioned. Brought out the best in Bateman in his last movie though.

        1. Idiocracy really disappointed me when I watched it, because he had the potential to do so much more with it and just…didn’t. Over time, I have come to appreciate it more and enjoy the parts where it is legitimately funny, but I still remember being hopped up on tramadol, Vicodin, Valium, and Sierra Nevada Torpedo IPA and saying “is this all there is to this fucking movie?”

          1. i thought it sucked. tried to like it. just thought it was boring as hell

          2. Sierra Nevada Torpedo IPA

            I’ve never had the pleasure.

            As for Vicoden, I suspect when my girlfriend gets off her shift (switched her Thursday and Fridays with someone this week to get a real weekend for a change), first thing she’ll ask me is if I wanna go halfsies.

            I have a surprise for her. I’ve bought some Jimmy Johnson moonshine to swill it down with. Should be interesting.

            1. Junior Johnson. Sorries. Disgrace to my state for getting that screwed up.

            2. Isn’t that kind of dangerous?

              1. Use to do it all the time with Everclear before the ratbastards running the state ABC made that difficult to obtain. So, nah. I’m more concerned about the candyflipping she wants to do Saturday.

                1. Just to note. Some who are not really experienced with it will assume the Everclear is a tuff gai thing. It isn’t. There are fewer side effects involved with a pure strain of alcohol like Everclear. So using it for its catalytic properties instead of other liquors makes a good deal of sense.

                2. Candyflipping = winning

  15. My favorite comedies of the past decade:
    Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
    Three Lions
    Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz
    Old School
    World’s Greatest Dad
    Team America: World Police

    I’m sure I’m missing some, but this is just off the top of my head.

  16. Y’know, I’m cool with Reason’s superficial hipster pop cultural schtick because it generally dovetails with the libertarian political project and, frankly, I think the new Mike Watt album is super-groovy too.

    But what’s with these movie reviews? I guess you’ve reached the outer borders of my tolerance zone. TV and movies are for booboisie; they’re fine when they are helping us peddle anarchy but let’s not get caught up in actually watching them. You never want to become who you are marketing to, or you’ll find that you were the mark the whole time!

    1. http://www.theonion.com/articl…..a-tel,429/

      You’re a shithead.

    2. Thanks for your input, Lou; it will be given the consideration it deserves. None.

      1. Remarkable. I glanced at the first line of the random dude’s spiel, realized it was a generalized claim of the deficiencies of libertarians and stopped dead. I have no time for that crap, as it is retarded to assess this thread from an ideology standpoint as it is entirely similar to thousands like it on forum unrelated to libertarianism.

        Amazing how we still get their pussies wet after all these years, though. Can’t wait for the day the two party douche bags go back to ignoring us again.

        Dream on, right? They’ve fucked up so hard they wont stop blaming us until their species goes extinct.

        We ignore them, why can’t they return the favor? It’s like they need the fight as a means of self justification.

        1. Actually, if you read the comment, Lou seems to be one of the “why is there a movie review at reason? We should only have completely sterile posts about only things that are of importance to me libertarians!” people. Also, he is superior because he doesn’t watch TV or movies.

          1. Wow. One of those guys. Use to meet them a lot in the early nineties. Basically anytime I needed to use the school library. Much less prevalent now, as their truisms based on antique Yale studies from the nineteen fifties on the ‘brain rot’ of television now seem quaint to anyone with a passing understanding of how information is conveyed into the brain, and how the supersticious idea that printed words in an August selection of books is the supreme way to do so. Oh, the Big Big Sillies we all were before the current era!

    3. Lou, I missed you guys again in Northampton a few days back. What’s with me? Why do I keep making a mental note but then missing your brand of guitar rock?

      Can you send me a set list like I asked for last time we bumped into each other in a comment thread?

  17. The Animal was hilarious. Anything with Rob Schneider is comedy gold.

    1. Spoof…?

      1. She’s just trying to piss us off.

      2. No spoof. And it’s a crime that Margaret Cho has never been cast in a movie. She’s the funniest person alive.

        1. No such thing as a funny woman.

  18. Big Lebowski is another great comedy

    1. OVERRATED!

      1. Take that back!

        1. shut up, donnie!

    2. I’ll take Big Lebowski.

      And add Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

      1. I saw Planes, Trains, and Automobiles again last night. Only it was called “Due Date”. You’d think with Zach Galifianakis and Robert Downey Jr. it would be good. Wow, did it suck. I didn’t make it past the “accidentally drop dad’s ashes off the overpass” moment.

        Instead of “those aren’t pillows!” they just had Galifianakis masturbate in the car next to Downey. Galifianakis just played his character from “Between two Ferns”. Great for a 4 minute clip. Not so great for 2 hours.

    3. It’s a good movie, but my favorite Coen film is Raising Arizona.

  19. Chirp
    [yawn]
    Chirp

  20. And we’re reviewing movies now at Reason because……?
    Because fucking Kurt Loder believes himself to be libertarian?
    Because Reason is desperate to be relevant and hip?
    Inquiring cunts want to know.

    1. It’s specifically being done to annoy you. The Koch Brothers hate True Libertarians not only in the abstract, but also in the specific!

    2. Fuck you, that’s why.

      Seriously though, fuck you.

    3. Swing on by my place on Sat. night, past 10 pm, and I’ll show you.

  21. Raising Arizona.

    “I’ll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got.”

  22. Bad Teacher Make Bad Students!

  23. Diaz is just a handful of years from looking like Goldie Hawn. With every day that passes she looks more like her.

    1. I’m pretty sure you’re thinking of Kate Hudson.

    2. I was watching reruns of Laugh-In with my gramps the other day, and he made a comment about Goldie Hawn back in that time period being one of the hottest women he’d ever seen.

      I did a double take on that, considering he grew up in a time period when Rita Hayworth and Veronica Lake were at their peak. Goldie Hawn? Really?

  24. Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me is very funny if you skip the scenes that don’t include Dr. Evil.

  25. What do you guys think of “Hot Tub Time Machine”, with John Cusack?

  26. Just for giggles, let’s say Hollywood has a political agenda. Which becomes even more important to them in crap pieces like this one. Do you think their subliminal work here is meant to set the bar lower for their beloved members of teachers’ unions?

    Is this Hollywood’s answer to Waiting for Superman?

    Wouldn’t that be sufficient reason to get these actors involved, eh?

    1. Just for giggles, let’s say Hollywood has a political agenda. Which becomes even more important to them in crap pieces like this one. Do you think their subliminal work here is meant to set the bar lower for their beloved members of teachers’ unions?

      I doubt it’s really that nefarious–it’s really nothing more than a rehash of the modern comedy device of portraying outrageously grotesque caricatures of ordinary people. The oeuvre of Sandler, Apatow, Stiller, the Coens, and their respective prodigies are saturated with these types of films.

  27. RAISING ARIZONA BITCHEZ!

  28. Freddy Got Fingered?

  29. Harold & Kumar (White Castle, not Gitmo).

    I agree about Grandma’s Boy. Could have been a bit shorter, though.

    Then that one with Stifler. Roles Models, that’s the one.

    I loved all the peripheral goings-on in The 40-Year Old Virgin. Especially the filthy old Indian dude.

    1. Role Models was surprisingly good.

      One of the funniest scenes in The 40-Year-Old Virgin was cut from the film and is included in the extras on the DVD. It’s where they were telling stories about how they each lost their virginity. I can see why it was cut, though – it didn’t really fit with the rest of the movie.

  30. “…Call me when LeBron have 6 championships…”

    The main and perhaps only funny quote of the trailer but on the other hand it could be less revelent if LeBron will win one day a championship. 😉

    By curiosity on a off-topic sidenote, I wonder if Reason magazine plan to review the upcoming tv-movie “The Fairly Odd Parents: Grow Up, Timmy Turner” who’ll air on Nickelodeon on July 7? Here the trailer on Youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWDqEmZvENc

  31. The best ape movie… the BEST ape movie… is Dunston Checks In.

    End. Of. Story.

  32. Justin Timberlake as a bow-tie-wearing milquetoast?

    That’s the most believable part of the movie to me.

  33. So, not a great film, but you’ve got to like any movie that makes fun of public employees, and gets its star to say that she wanted to be a teacher for the short hours, the long summer vacations, and the lack of accountability.

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