Napolitano Says "Very, Very, Very Few People" Get Pat Downs. How Many Is That?


On May 7, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano took questions from attendees at an Atlanta Press Club lunch. When asked whether airline security will ever "get past the grab-and-grope phase," Napolitano responded that, "Well, actually, very, very, very few people get a pat-down. It's only under very limited circumstances." That sounds like not many at all! So few, in fact, that Napolitano even decided to make a little new-media funny about it: "They do, however, get—those who are patted down—tend to get on YouTube," she said.

So the grab-and-grope business is no big deal then, and the whole thing is just a minor practice being blown way out of proportion? I guess, at least if by "very, very, very few people" she means roughly 1.8 million human beings each and every month.  

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  1. SUBMIT!

  2. ALT_TXT

    “Not so happy to be over three ounces now are you!”

    1. Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side.

    2. This is my new move, it’s called The Monkey Steals the Peach.

  3. Certainly Napolitano has been groped very very very few times herself.

    1. Won’t find that on Youtube.

      1. Rule 34. Someone has it.

  4. a minor practice being blown way out of proportion

    Hey now!

  5. You expect people who don’t take a 1.7 TRILLION dollar budget deficit seriously to consider 1.8 million significant?

    1. I find the best way to put these things in writing in order to demonstrate the nature of the problem is to use one of the following:

      U.S. Federal Budget Deficit:


      or my favorite

      $1.7 x 10 ^ 12

      1. I used to tell people that the deficit would not fit on my standard 10-digit calculator. But they just looked at me like I was a lunatic libertarian, so I stopped.

        1. Update it to a 32/64bit reference, it might get more traction nowadays.

  6. When you think about it, there are over 6 billion people in the world, so by my calculation, that’s approximately just .03% of the world’s population that get molested by American government agents on a monthly basis. Mr(s). Napolitano is correct in her assertion when you use Obamathematics.

  7. So, does Janet get the treatment when she bops around the country?

    1. That’s why we have the TSA. For her own personal amusement.

      “Hey, hey they say I better get a chaperone

      Because I can’t stop messin’ with the danger zone”

  8. Very, very few people Napolitano knows personally have been subjected to this treatment.

  9. It surprises me that they have yet to make it illegal to film TSA checkpoints yet. “In the name of security”, of course.

    1. Maybe not, but the piss weasels still .

    2. Maybe not, but the piss weasels still try to claim you can’t observe them.

  10. The people who are getting groped are mere mundanes. We don’t even exist to people like Napolitano.

    1. You beat me to it, EES, so I’ll “submit” this:

      Well, actually, very, very, very few people get a pat-down — I mean, get it in the sense of getting my joke.

      Nappie, you’re doing a heck of a job.

  11. 4 Arrested For Videotaping TSA Line At Denver…..nt-at-dia/

    1. Good Lady, some of the comments on that story make me weep.

  12. Grab….then TWIST!

  13. Base line set. See, it isn’t that bad? Soon it won’t be that bad elsewhere, too!

    This is about control. Parents let their children get searched – The next generation will see this as “normal” submit to the state!!!

    1. WRT “control”: TSA’s pre-custodial-style searches and scans are no more about security than public schools are about education. Both are highly effective in teaching the serfs who their masters are and much less effective and highly inefficient in their ostensible purpose.

  14. youse flatter ur fat selves if u think we wanna touch ur sweaty, gelatinous fat-folds. eeeuuuuwwwww

    1. I’m sexy

    2. Then get a productive job.

  15. As unbiased as a “Taser” study.

  16. I don’t find the pat-down nearly as humiliating as the nudie-scanner.


    Micah R. Sadigh, a psychology professor at Cedar Crest College in Allentown, Pa., notes we might become flustered when we “feel that our rights are infringed upon and ? [by] the fact that we feel pushed around by forces over which we have little or no control.”

    The antidote, he says, is daydreaming. “It reduces tension and helps us sublimate our frustrations into something very helpful.”

    1. Dissociation takes the pain “away.”

      1. “Lie back and think of England”

        1. It helps if you think about how they’ve increased the chocolate ration this month.

    2. Another helpful tip from the TSA spokesman:

      It’s also helpful, he said, if you don’t have things in your carry-on that would raise eyebrows.

      What the fucking fuck (to borrow a phrase) could that mean? What is legal to carry on a plane that this fucking facist thinks is eyebrow-raising? Porn/sex toys is about all I can come up with.

      1. My mom once got hassled by the TSA apes for having a box of grits in her carry-on bag. So grits are out.

        1. Huh? I don’t think grits even qualify as a sex prop (please, please don’t Rule 34 me).

          Oh wait, their definition of hassle-worthy is whatever the fuck they want it to be.

          1. I think grits (and plenty of other foodstuffs) could be mistaken for drugs, which is a standard category of eyebrow raiser for them. So I don’t think it counts as completely arbitrary hassling.

            1. I carry my sugar in plastic bricks in my suitcase false bottom, doesn’t everybody.

              1. I don’t know about sugar, but that is my preferred method for transporting oregano.

              2. You know, I really want to just pack some talcum powder that way, and record the whole fracas.


            2. Of course! Because the Transportation SAFETY Authority is obviously spending time on finding drugs.

              Why the fuck isn’t everybody a libertarian?

      2. Anything with squiggly writing, like calculus homework.

      3. “Nine times out of ten, it’s an electric razor but, every once and a while, it’s a dildo. Of course, it’s company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. We have to use the indefinate article: a dildo, never your dildo.”

        1. alledged dildo. or curling wand. or tent stake

    3. Cedar Crest? That brings back memories.

      I went to Lehigh U. as an undergrad. It’s in Bethlehem, just a few miles up the road from Allentown. Our big rival was (and still is) Lafayette College in Easton. Cedar Crest was (don’t know if it still is) an all-girls school. A lot of nursing students. A lot of the women would come over to Lehigh to party, because it was a huge party school (back then – not so much anymore, after Jeanne Clery’s murder), and Cedar Crest didn’t have much going on.

      Anyhow, a popular t-shirt among the frat boys at the time (of which I most decidedly was NOT one) bore the text “Lafayette Sucks” on the front and “But Cedar Crest Swallows” on the back.

  18. tend to get on YouTube

    So Jan is saying that all I have to do to become an internet celebrity & get on Tosh.0 & earn my very own autotuned hit is submit to a simple government groping? Sold. It’s the goddamn American dream.

    Thanks for taking our privacy so seriously, you cunt.

    1. THIS.

      She has no clue how offensive she is.

      1. Also, she makes offensive statements.

    2. So, Dagny, what do you daydream about while being groped? Murder?

      1. The strong, confident hands of Chuck Bass.

        1. No, no, no. Bryan Adams.

          1. OK, that is an eerie guess, because of all the crappy Canadian singers I hate, Bryan Adams is one of the most hated. It’s so fun listening his shitfest Summer of 69 garbage on every radio station thanks to mandatory Canadian content laws. Grrr.

            1. Fun Fact: Adams was 9 during the Summer of ’69. He claims the song is not about the year, but rather the sex act.

              1. My aversion to Bryan Adams is not just the crappy music but the lingering creep factor due to the fact that when my high school stalker made me a mix CD and left it at the hardware store I worked at, it included “Everything I Do”. Barf.

                1. Please relate the rest of the CDs contents for our lulz.

                  1. Brian McKnight – Back at One
                    Joe – I Wanna Know
                    I think something by Savage Garden

                    Holy shit music was terrible in the early 00’s. Google ’em your own damn self if you weren’t listening to top forties back in the day.

                    Oh, and the piece de resistance was leaving “I’ll Be Watching You” on my parent’s answering machine.

                    1. Your stalker sounds really girly. Did you ever try punching him? I’m sure you were stronger than him.

                    2. Yeah, I didn’t get the song choice either. But he was sort of too pathetic to punch.

                    3. Too pathetic to punch? I don’t get it.

                    4. The shame of the unmanly stalker.

            2. How can anybody hate Bryan Adams? 😉

              1. How can anybody hate Bryan Adams?

                Quite easily, actually. Never liked his shitty music.

  19. Won’t find that on Youtube.

    I’m sure there’s an active eunuch porn community, somewhere.

    1. I’ve looked. Haven’t found much.

      1. Check the Mattel website……look for Ken.

  20. “It reduces tension and helps us sublimate our frustrations into something very helpful.”


    It also helps if you close your eyes really tight, and stick your fingers in your ears, thusly.


    1. Isn’t that what cartoon characters do when a bomb is about to explode?

  21. Napolitano Says “Very, Very, Very Few People” Get Pat Downs.

    Nobody understands me!

  22. So what would happen if I go to the line for a pat down with a major woody? Does anyone know if that has happened? Of course judging from the looks of the TSA employees ive seen it would take some time with some really good porn to try that stunt.

    1. While they’re patting you down, ask them if they’re proud of doing their job. I’ve had good results with that one.

      1. Details, if you please.

        1. They’ve all just looked sort of ashamed when I’ve tried it. My dad says he had one stammer out some sort of half-assed defense. Try it yourself.

      2. Thanks for the idea. I fly very very infrequently but will keep that in mind.

    2. Now, Sir, I’m going to gently check behind your throbbing member …

      1. explain ur turgidity sir

        1. I luv a man in uniform.

          1. eeeeuuuuuwwwwwwww barf o rama

    3. How effective is viagra?

      Some heavy breathing when the pat down is first starting and then when they get close to the crotch, an imperceptible thrust and a soft, yet pained “unh”

  23. This “very few” is so much bullshit. Everyone who goes through the scanner has to wait to get the “OK” from the doofus with the walkie-talkie who is waiting for the scanner review guy to say you don’t have any explosives. But they ALWAYS tell the doofus with the walkie-talkie to give you a pat down anyways. I have rarely been allowed to go on my way after the scanner, and I empty my pockets and all that crap but I still always get a pat down.

    (This is where I would insert a joke about having too big a package to fly pat-down free, but that’s none of your business)

    Nappy is talking out her ass sideways with this one.

    1. I always opt out, so I wouldn’t know. I’ve been through my yearly dose of radiation already.

      I’m waiting to see what happens in Texas now that they’ve banned excessive patdowns. Either they’re going to make me go through the fun fun radiation DIE machine or we’re going to have fun with boundaries on my person.

      In either case, they can look forward to hearing from lawyers.

      1. “”I’m waiting to see what happens in Texas now that they’ve banned excessive patdowns. “”

        I don’t think they have. The article we’ve discussed on H&R is about the Texas legislators (house) passing the ban. It would still need to be passed by TX senate and signed by the governor before it becomes law. No?

        1. You are correct, sir. And the TX session runs out at the end of the month. Many, many bills will die (which is almost always a good thing). The odds of the TSA assault bill making it onto the books are not good.

    2. You must be brown-skinned.

  24. are you hiring?

    1. Ironic that they keep referring to that guy as the “IMF head” – which is exactly what he *allegedly* attemped to force that maid to do…

      1. “I will now use the tip of my penis to search your tonsils…”

  25. I have only been patted down once, and only above the waist. On the other hand, I see multiple people going through the pat down procedure every time I go through security. I can’t imagine that they are the only ones. Yet that is the only way I could buy into Napolitano’s statement.

  26. Top. Men.

  27. Just run through the terminal screaming “Allahu akbar!” and the TSA would never touch you–it would be “Islamophobic”.

  28. She did not answer the question. When will it end? She said very few people get groped. That does not answer the question. Liars often answer a question with a true sounding answer that has only a passing relationship to the real question. When will it end? When we the people get rid of this nonsense.

  29. I wouldn’t care if it was 2 people a year. It’s still wrong and a violation of our right to privacy.


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