Post-Rapture Pet Care—Yet Another Reason to Love Entrepreneurial Capitalism

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That Saturday will be a good party night once the Saved are gone

Judgement Day is just ten days away. May 21st will see believers whisked away to heaven in the Rapture. Those of us who remain behind (and I'm positive that will include me) can look forward to the End of the World on October 21st. (Damn. That means Pamela and I won't be celebrating our 11th anniversary as planned on that day.)

You don't believe it. Well, you can parse the complicated calculations based on interpretations of various Bible verses over at eBibleFellowship.com.

The great thing about free markets is that even the end of the world offers opportunities for people to provide services to their fellows. For example, Washington Post columnist John Kelly reported on Monday about the pet care service offered by Bart Centre to people who expect to be taken up in the Rapture, but are worried about what will happen to Fluffy and Spot once they are basking in glory in Heaven. As Kelly reports:

Bart Centre does not believe in heaven, but he's pretty sure that if there is a heaven, your pet is not going there.

After all, he points out, "All Dogs Go to Heaven" is the name of an animated movie, not a line from the Bible.

Not that Bart believes in the Bible. Or God. He is an atheist, and proudly so. But he knows that plenty of people do believe in God and do believe in heaven. And some of them believe in the Rapture, the day when true Christians will be called up to Jesus Christ. Some people — including a group that put ads on the backs of buses in our area — think the Rapture is coming May 21.

The Rapture could leave a lot of dogs and cats looking longingly at their food bowls after their owners have floated off to heaven. That's where Bart comes in.

In 2009, he launched Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA. Bart guarantees that if or when the Rapture comes he or one of his 44 contractors in 26 states will drive to your home within 24 hours, collect your dog, cat, bird, rabbit or small caged mammal, and adopt it. (Rapture rescue services for horses, camels, llamas and donkeys are limited to New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho and Montana.)

The cost is $135, plus $20 per additional animal. Payable upfront, of course, and good for 10 years.

"Right now, we have over 250 clients," said Bart, 62, who is retired from a major retailer and pens anti-religion books under the name Dromedary Hump. Most customers are in the Bible Belt. Bart said he can handle relatively secular western Massachusetts, Vermont and New Hampshire, where he lives, all by himself.

Bart says he has carefully screened all the rescuers. They have to love animals, of course, but just as important is that they don't love Jesus. For obvious reasons, they're all atheists.

I'll be looking for an abandoned Ferrari

Surely Centre is bilking the credulous? As he explains to Kelly:

"Who's providing the false pretences?" he said. "I do not promote the Rapture. If I were promoting it, then soliciting people to take my services, I could see that being a scam. I let the religious people promote it. I am offering them peace of mind. We can commit to you that we have the resources and infrastructure to rescue your pet from certain slow starvation or thirst, at just over a dollar a month. I do not feel like I'm taking advantage. I am satisfying a demand."

Bart thinks it's a pretty good deal.

"Who knows whether I'm taking advantage of them," he asked, "or they're taking advantage of me?"

He takes PayPal.

Satisfying a demand—that's what markets are all about. Since I'm staying behind, I can take care of our two cats, Milton and Mario.

Whole Post column here.

NEXT: "Vader has left the economy in a sorry state with the construction of this so called 'death star'"

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  1. This story is so full of awesomesauce (made from apple cores and old Chinese newspapers), I’m going to have to workout double tonight to burn it all off. I don’t know why, but it really made my day. That dude is now my hero.

    1. Yeah I felt the same way after reading it. I could see John, and a few other posters here, being some of the clients

      1. There’s nothing wrong with bilking the naive and credulous. Priests have been doing it for centuries.

  2. “(Damn. That means Pamela and I won’t be celebrating our 11th anniversary as planned on that day.)

    Does your wife know about Pamela?

  3. Those of us who remain behind (and I’m positive that will include me)

    As long as I am not stuck in a closed room on earth with Steve Smith, I don’t care what happens.

    1. STEVE SMITH GO TO RAPTURE. STEVE SMITH LOVE JESUS.

      1. STEVE:

        Rapture, not Rapeture.

  4. Outside of govt largesse, that’s the closest thing to free money I’ve ever seen.

    1. Yeah, and even if the Rapture did occur, who is gonna enforce these contracts to take care of pets, considering that all the potential complainants will have gone missing?

      And that those left behind won’t be worrying too much about eternal punishment for misdeeds, since they already would know they are going to Teh Hot Place?

      1. I believe we get 1000 years of peace and then 1000 years of war first. Or is it just 1000 years of war?

        1. If it’s 1000 years of war…how would we know?

          1. Only 990 to go

            1. Since it wouldn’t be American wars but war globally I think we’ve gone well past 1000 years. Has there been a point in human history when there wasn’t a significant part of the world at war with someone?

              1. I vaguely recall a story that some historian once tried to find a period in which there was no war.

                He surveyed 2,000+ years of history and found only 8 years in which there was not a war.

                1. Somewhere I came up with the factoid that the first recorded war was in the year 6800* (3200BCE). I don’t have the information as to who fought who.

                  As we are now in the year 12011*, that means that approximately half of the time that mankind has been “civilized” was without the concept of government-sponsored forces fighting government-sponsored forces.

                  … Hobbit

                  *Holocene Calendar

      2. I think you have just identified another source of cash flow- enforcer of contracts after the rapture!

  5. It appears from that comic that God’s requirements for the Rapture is that one be young and shapely. Party on, Jesus.

    1. And White!

    2. Of course! You wouldn’t want to spend Eternity with Hillary, would you?

    3. I was disappointed that they didn’t see fit to caption it with, “I can totally see up your skirt! Now _that’s_ rapture.”

    4. That comic gave me “the rapture” if that’s what you kids are calling it these days.

    5. Is this the same cult that had the redhead with the shapely ass flying away last time?

  6. Not too long ago, someone handed me a pamphlet with the calculations.

    There’s more sense in your average Monty Python sketch.

    1. There’s more sense in your average Monty Python sketch than just about anything you read in the papers these days.

      1. …or on a Reason comment thread!

        1. And now for something…completely different.

      2. Maybe Monty Python is on to something. If you research work by actual historians regarding Jesus, it’s readily apparent that Life of Brian is closer to reality than the new testament.

  7. As I told my server at Hooters last week: “Hell is a town in Michigan and Heaven is in your eyes!”

    1. Like you were looking at her eyes.

      1. I have always said that the two things that keep me in Sleepytown all Summer long are the college girls and their halter tops and cut off shorts. And that just might be three things.

    2. Hitting on waitresses?

      Looks like you won’t be part of the Rapture of the Polite, either.

      1. Pretty much every gal I ever spent time with was a waitress at one time or another…except the one I married. My ex was in Law School when I met her. Should have stuck with the waitresses!

      2. By the way Fluff where did u find The Rulebook of LUV? (Don’t bother me with M. Groening’s “Love is Hell”. I’ve read those.)

  8. Ten shopping days until Rapture? I better get moving.

  9. Luv the targeted ads on the ‘net.
    This Christian Mingle (with seafood it seems) site must have the Wedding Chapels in ‘Vegas working overtime to beat the clock on the Rupture!

  10. I’m gonna love hearing the excuses they give on May 22nd.

    1. Jim’s calculations were in Gregorian, everyone elses’ were Julian. Its like the Mars lander that crashed.

      1. But what about the Hebrew calendar, which the Bible revolved around?

    2. It’s usually “We prayed so hard, God agreed not to destroy the world!” sometimes with a side of, “God revealed to us our calculations were wrong”. Personally, I just want to know how these nutcases reconcile their certainty with Matthew 24:36, “However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself.”

      1. Wait, what? The words in red directly contradict what these people are saying? Who woulda thunk it?

      2. As we all know Jesus never wrote anything. His words were recorded, at the earliest, some 30 years after his execution. No one really knows who these scribes were other than that they were fallible humans who might have had an agenda.

        1. And they don’t seem to have been fond of the gays.

          1. I don’t remember Jesus hating on the gays. That is the old testament.

            There is a belief among some christians that the old testament should be thrown out.

            1. Paul does mention “homosexual offenders” in 1st Corinthians 5, but it’s about expelling them from the Church, not prosecuting them under the law.

  11. The Bible I was taught in Sunday school so many years ago, says that judgment day comes like a thief in the night. No one knows when it is coming. Did they miss that part ?

    1. The thief is coming the night of May 21st.

      Duh.

  12. Too bad the website doesn’t point out that if potential clients are of such little faith as to not contract with Bart they probably won’t be stepping up to Jesus.

    1. I see a bright future for you…something in sales or marketing.

      1. Aw, shucks. As long as it’s not law — that would break Ma’s heart.

  13. Do they have tractor pulls in heaven ?

    1. Does the Pope shit in heaven?

  14. I heard a story on NPR on Saturday morning about these rapture nuts. It’s amazing how firmly and absolutely a lot of these people genuinely believe this WILL happen on May 21. They believe they literally will float up into heaven and everyone left behind will go to hell and the earth and the entire universe will be utterly destroyed.

    NPR spoke to this young couple (who sounded totally flaky and clueless) who had quit their jobs a while back and burned through their savings and fully intended to have absolutely nothing left on May 21, because they won’t need any of it when they go up to heaven. And they genuinely, truly believed that this IS going to happen. I was thinking, man, their May 22 is going to suck.

    One guy said he really hoped he didn’t wake up to find himself here on May 22, because it would mean he was in hell. I’m thinking “how can you tell the difference from any other day here, bro?”

    I will be interested to hear what these people have to say when May 22 comes around and nothing has changed at all.

    1. I will be interested to hear what these people have to say when May 22 comes around and nothing has changed at all.

      “Well, it is a rather complicated calculation. Perhap it’s next year.”

  15. The fact that his clients vote bears the same weight as mine is a disturbing example of whats wrong with democracy.

    1. Well Doc, I can’t wait to hear your plan to give different electors varying “weight” according to…what? Religious Belief? Political Philosophy? Family Heritage? Level of Education? Schools Attended? Economic Status? Land Ownership? How Green they R?
      Public Transit or Private Ride?
      I’m sure U have the answer!

      1. Anarchy.

      2. I get to make all the votes for everyone. That is the only voting system I can support, one where I make all decisions.

  16. Sigh… bares*
    “the fact that a vote from one of his clients bares the same weight…”

    1. Not to rub salt in the wound, but you were actually correct the first time. It should be “bears the same weight”.

      That is, unless you mean your vote and theirs both, say, unclothe a certain weight.

    2. GOD DAMN IT!

      1. THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE

  17. I’ve had some, shall we say “experiences” with a couple born-again chicks… should be lots of pussy to be had next week from the “weaker” ones. If she wants you to take care of Rover after she’s raptured, I’m guessing she’s easy pickin’s for some rapturing right now…

  18. Pleased to see the Rapture “apparent upskirt opportunity” picture back on H&R.

  19. Autoplay YouTube video? Fuck you, Reason.

  20. Some people ? including a group that put ads on the backs of buses in our area ? think the Rapture is coming May 21.

    Actually, the Rapture happened on October 4, 2003. If you are still here, you didn’t make the cut.

    “What? You say you didn’t notice? It was easy to miss. Remember that only 144,000 out of the 50,000,000,000 people who ever lived got picked for the God’s Team.”

  21. Two great things about the rapture:

    1. It will be totally legal to look up chicks’ skirts.*

    2. Instead of sagging down, chicks’ breasts will float up!

    I can hardly wait!

    *Chicks can get to heaven in slacks, but only if they have a really tight ass. Rules are rules!

    1. “Why would anybody want to touch a girls butt?
      That’s where Kooties come from!” Bart Simpson

    2. I’m looking for more of a soul leaving the body thing. As long as I can have a few minutes with the inanimate corpses.

      1. It turns out that being raptured has a remarkably similar effect to being roofied.

  22. http://www.allvoices.com/contr…..he-rapture

    Don’t worry if you miss one, there’ll be another one along shortly.

  23. Anyone remember William Miller?

    He was basically the guy who got the whole modern ‘the end is nigh’ meme going back in the 1800s. Pretty much everything about this type of stuff, including those convoluted EndTimes charts, can be traced back to him. AND he inadvertedly inspired a whole bunch of other sects, including Seventh Day Adventists and Jehovah’s Witnesses.

  24. Why does the world have to end on my birthday. That sucks.

  25. Where exactly did he get the idea that the flood started the rapture timeline? It seems more likely that the rapture will be 7000 years after Jesus’ death, resurrection, or ascention. In that case, we have 5000 more years.

  26. Most Christians recognize that these people are of inadequate faculty and move on with their lives.

  27. It seems that there is another group on the scene with a new perspective in disputing Camping’s prophesies. They make a compelling statement that “Jesus is here now.” Check out their billboard which I think will stir the pot a bit.

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/6…..5708063636

  28. Rapture shirts for sale!!!! hahaha http://compressionshirt.org/ra…..11-shirts/

  29. I think Bart is brilliant! If people want to give him money for this then he deserves every penny!

  30. It is really a nice post, its always great reading such posts, this post is good in regards of both knowledge as well as information. Thanks for the post.

    Pet Sitting Mckinney

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