"Vader has left the economy in a sorry state with the construction of this so called 'death star'"

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If you missed Slate's be-rill-yunt New York Times parody yesterday, you didn't miss much and shouldn't bother clicking through. Instead, you should read this from the Galactic Empire Times: "Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead, Vader Says."

The lede: 

CORUSCANT — Obi-Wan Kenobi, the mastermind of some of the most devastating attacks on the Galactic Empire and the most hunted man in the galaxy, was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan, Darth Vader announced on Sunday.

The news touched off an extraordinary outpouring of emotion as crowds gathered in the Senate District and outside the Imperial Palace, waving imperial flags, cheering, shouting, laughing and chanting, "Hail to the Emperor! Hail Lord Vader!" In the alien protection zone, crowds sang "The Ten Thousand Year Empire." Throughout the Sah'c district, airspeeder drivers honked horns deep into the night.

And the comments: 

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  1. I think this is the end of al Jedi.

    1. Great stuff from you, man. Ive read your stuff before and you’re just too awesome. I adore what you’ve came, love what you’re saying and the way you say it. You are making it entertaining and you still manage to keep it smart. I cant wait to read more from you. This is really an excellent blog.

  2. *sobbing*

    I had friends on the Death Star!

    1. Death Star was an inside job.

      1. If I had rtfa I would have spotted this gag already.

        1. It still applies.

          1. STAR DESTROYER #7!

      2. Death Star was an inside job.

        Also, Han shot first.

  3. Kenobi was a known corrupter of the young, too. Lied to some kid to get him to participate in suicidal attacks on Imperial installations. Fucking pervert.

    1. And that robe was clearly designed for ease of flashing.

      1. Master Kenobi, that’s an impressive looking light saber you have under there.

  4. This is hilarious. I love the comment section “why won’t Vader show us the body”

    1. Until the body I see, believe it I will not.

  5. “Why won’t Lord Vader show us the body?”

    Heh.

    1. Brilliant, and I resent the fact that I wasn’t the first to say it.

    2. Why won’t Vader produce his birth certificate?

      1. You try filing a Birth Certificate that list your father as “The Force” sometime.

        Whatever ethnic stereotype that Lucas decided bureaucrats are (I’m thinking “thieving gypsy”), would have laughed you out of the courthouse.

  6. Does this mean I can now smoke my death sticks with impugnity at the bar?

  7. I’ve always wondered how many Ewoks were raped by bored Stormtroopers. My guess: all of them.

    1. Don’t Ewoks have claws or something? Raping them would require some planning.

      1. Set your weapon to “put out”. Works better than a roofie.

      2. Hence the white, armored uniforms.

        1. was there ever a scene in any of the movies where those “armored” uniforms actually did anything?

          1. It successfully hid their rampant Ewok-inspired erections.

          2. Those scenes were edited out. The MPA felt that scenes involving Ewok rape would require an R rating. Maybe they made it to the directors cut.

            1. How I’ve missed the work of SugarFree. Heh heh.

      3. Let he who hasn’t raped an ewok cast the first stone.

      4. Does is still mean you’re a plushie if the stuffed animal is alive?

      5. STEVE SMITH PLAN TO RAPE EWOK! ALMOST LIKE RAPING MINI-STEVE SMITH! STEVE SMITH EAGERLY AWAITS SPACE ELEVATOR TO FOREST MOON!

    2. No wonder the Ewoks were so keen on helping the rebels.

      1. The rebels raped them too, but at least the Ewoks were taken to dinner in an elegant forest restaurant first.

        1. Is it still considered rape, if you cuddle afterwards?

        2. YUB YUB

          1. Which, in Ewok, means: “Ow, my butthole.”

            Fun fact: Ewoks don’t have vaginas.

            1. You know this how?

  8. Obi-Wan was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan, Darth Vader announced on Sunday.

    Didn’t Vader kill Obi-Wan in a light saber duel? Why would he lie, and give the credit to his elite Imperial forces? Does this mean what I think it means?

    1. Plausible deniability is a hallmark of Imperial politics.

    2. Vader didn’t kill him, you fool! He merely freed Kenobi from the shackles of his mortal body. Or Kenobi escaped into Solo’s ship and hid in the floor again, and Vader wanted to save face.

      1. Then why did Vader get to be a young man as a ghost and Ben had to be all old and shit?

        1. Ben was lucky. What about Yoda?

          1. Those pictures of Kenobi and Yoda were photoshopped. Notice the blue haze around them. I’ve seen many in my day.

            1. I’ve seen pictures and video of Yoda. I have to say, I think he’s a puppet of some sort. Like a Jedi Master could be that small in reali life!

              1. Or in real life.

        2. More importantly, why didn’t ghost Kenobi tell Luke to avoid any Leia entanglements? He could have done so without revealing that she was his sister. Old Ben was an Old Perv.

          1. “Use the force, Luke… and don’t fingerbang your sister…”

            1. “Princess Leia Organa. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. You must be cautious.”

            2. If I was drinking milk, it would be spurting from my nostrils.

            3. Only finger-bang your sister.

              What? At least that way you’re guaranteed safe from becoming father-uncle to any three-eyed children.

              P.S. Yes, I’m an only child.

              P.P.S. Yes, maybe that’s for the best.

              1. There are dozens of orifices and surfaces that you can rub yourself on to not get your sister pregnant.

                1. dozens of orifices

                  What the hell does your sister look like?

              2. Have you seen some of the Jedi’s? A re-re incest baby would still be more presentable than some of those squid headed things.

                1. You mean that thing that looks like Jamaican comic-con gay Cthulu?

                  1. If midi-chlorians are where people get their Force powers from and are presumably transmitted genetically to offspring, wouldn’t the nonbreeding of Jedi lead to weaker and weaker Jedi? Rather than the other way around?

                    1. Exactly. Breeding Luke and Leia would have made a Force Kwisatz Haderach. Or some sort of Salacious Crumb-esque Count Fenring.

                    2. I’m surprised the Bene Gesserit haven’t attempted to engineer a Luke-Leia crossbreeding.

                    3. Anakin was the Kwisatz Haderach, Luke and Leia spawn would have been God Emperor.

          2. No need. Ben already knew that Luke preferred to have “light saber duels” with older, father like figures.

          3. “These are not the hard drives filled with incest porn that you’re looking for.”

      2. eff that “freed…of his mortal body” infidels if no 77 virgins.

      3. Damn! That means Obi-Wan is still able to plan attacks against the Empire. What if he manages to turn one of Vader’s children against him?

  9. Say what you will about Jabba the Hut, but there was no doubt about who was trapped in the carbonite.

    1. He was trapped in his own corpulent flesh because of Imperial subsidies of High Frutose Space Corn Syrup.

    2. Refresh my memory: Did Jabba get eaten by that giant snatch or blown up on his ship?

      1. Princess Leia strangled him with her own chains in one of the 80s most potent feminist/political symbols.

        1. It was definitely a boner inducing moment. In the worst of the three films.

          1. I hesitate to use the word “worst”, since the next three films showed us what “worst” was all about. Let’s say “least good.” After all, replace the Ewoks with, say, Wookies, and it’s likely much more on par with the first two films.

            1. I never understood that. why not have the the forest moon be populated by Wookies? Chewy acts as your liaison and story continues as is.

              1. Because Lucas thinks the key demographic to go after is mildly retarded three-year-old girls.

                I’m surprised a pick unicorn didn’t show up at some point.

              2. That was in the original script, but for some reason they changed it to Vermont teddy bears vs. a legion of highly trained stormtroopers. I think Lucas was just trying to appeal to the kiddies.

                But hey, Ewoks don’t come to close to Jar-Jar Binks on the WTF-meter.

                1. Replace all of Jar-Jar’s dialogue with farting and the movie stays exactly the same.

                  1. He was talking?
                    Really?
                    The WHOLE TIME?!

                  2. Holy shit I’m laughing so fucking hard I hope noone walks by my office and wonders WTF I’m doing.

                    1. No shit – I’d been in big trouble reading this at work; having to wipe the tears of laughter from my bleary eyes.

                  3. Yousa’ sayin’ people gonna *FARTNOISE*!!!?

                  4. My ten year old son claims that you could replace all the Gungan dialogue with farting noises and the movie would be improved.

                    I kind of agree with him.

                2. M
                  E
                  R
                  C
                  H
                  A
                  N
                  D
                  I
                  S
                  I
                  N
                  G

            2. Being older than you no doubt, i do not feel any embarrassment in revealing that I did not watch any of the three pieces of crap that came out later. I agree that Ewoks were the element that turned a fair picture into an utter joke.

            3. Too bad Lucas never made any prequels.

            4. Maybe it was easier to find a bunch of out of work dwarves in 1982 than it was to find a bunch of out of work giants.

          2. Jabba’s tail was quite erect.

            1. He was not unresponsive….

      2. He got choked out by Leia, then presumably went down with the ship. It was bound to happen. Jabba was into some kinky shit.

      3. He was already dead when the ship blew up. Leia choked his zitty ass.

      4. *looks into sarlacc pit*

        I’d hit that.

  10. Zuckuss: How do you plan on putting down this rebellion everyone’s talking about?
    Palpatine: By shooting it with lightning! That’s how I solve all my problems! And then afterwards I shall eat pudding.

  11. the battlestar galactica ad on the right is jarring.

  12. Another thing about Vader, why is he outsourcing the role of the military to private contractors like Boba Fett? To enrich his buddies in the mercenary contractor industry, obviously.

    This whole “rebellion” is a sham to put more money in the pockets of fat cat defense corporations!

    1. Yeah, and Vader could have crushed the Rebellion at Hoth but Palpatine yielded once again to the military-industrial complex and let the rebels escape. You really think the boob-nipple gun could have disabled all those blockade crusiers?

      1. They were always letting these alleged rebels escape. Same thing happened when Vader convinced Grand Moff Tarkin (R.I.P.) to let the captured rebels escape who later destroyed the Death Star. Allegedly. I’m with the Deathers on this one–no way a snub ship could destroy a battlestation the size of a small moon.

        1. It had a Japanese-designed reactor core.

          1. I thought GE made it.

            1. No, GE made Palpatine’s force machine, which is why it kept shorting out and shooting sparks everywhere.

              It’s especially dangerous around highly charged young Jedi.

              1. I’ve heard rumors that the Emperor, may he rest in peace, may have been killed by GE’s Force Lightning? device.

  13. I wonder how the media covered the great Imperial victory at Hoth.

    1. We sent our boys into a fucking freezer to get their asses blasted by a bunch of backwards tantan fuckers and guess what? No weapons of mass destruction to be found. Bring our boys home!

      1. Screw you, the Surge Worked!

    2. Global warming?

      1. Whatever. Everyone knows Hoth proves global warming is real.

        1. galaxy climate change. deserts on some star systems. frozen tundra on others.

          1. Planetary climate is not galactic climate! But then you knew that, didn’t you?

            1. are you denying the data collected from the thousands of probe droids the Empire has sweeping the galaxy?

              1. They have altered the temperature readings. Pray they don’t alter them further.

                1. No. No. That’s not true, that’s impossible.

                  1. Search all the various political and economic motives for fudging the data, and know it be true!

              2. You trust something that found its way up some yokels keester from half way across the galaxy?

          2. I like this. Alienthropic Galactic Climate Change.

  14. Now the Empire can concentrate on more important things, like high-speed transport pods and VaderCare.

    1. I heard teh governor of Dagobah just told the Empire to take their HSTP money and shove it. Who needs that in a fucking swamp? Even if it does lead to the new Disneyland.

    2. VaderCare is taking a lot of heat over the proposed Darth panels.

      1. The motherfucker just has to look at you for pete’s sake!

        1. Actually he really doesn’t have force-choke powers, we just act like he does to keep his self-confidence going. He broke down like a little girl after his wife died and we hear his relationship with his kids is strained.

  15. VaderCare.
    I can only assume that there would be some sort of “faith test” to determine whether or not one had enough faith. Further, whether or not a lack of said faith would be described as “disturbing.”

    1. (fucking threads. At least I pre-threaded-comments-era italiquoted.)

  16. The Force is just a Rebel meme.

    1. You never saw Midichlorians. Jedis talking about Midichlorians is just an Imperial meme.

    2. “Han Solo shot first!” is just an Imperial meme.

  17. So what good was the no fly list at Mos Eisly spaceport. One way ticket to Alderaan paid in cash. There were so many red flags there and you mean to tell me no one caught that.

    1. They shouldn’t have outsourced security to Jabba the Hutt.

      1. No, everything would have been fine if Jabba had just been in a union.

        1. I thought he was. Doesn’t HUTT stand for Hyperspacial Union of Teamsters, Tatooine?

          1. He’s certainly got the sloth and gluttony of union member, so what if he isn’t carrying a card?

          2. You’ll believe anything that the Star Fox channels tells you. Tsk-tsk.

            1. Fair and balanced is the Force!

          3. Yes it does. And that reminds me of another body that’ll never be found, Jabba Hoffa.

  18. Since when did the New York Times become The Onion?

    1. Shortly after the Onion surpassed it in relevance. So about 6 years ago.

    2. It’s the only way they’ll get people to read the damn thing.

  19. Death Stars can’t blow up planets!

    1. For your sake I hope you’re right.

  20. -~-~-~-~- W W W . G E A R H U T T . C O M -~-~-~-~-

    ==== BLASTERS ====

    Orveth, sig, prothium, eleton, tolium, and skevon

    ==== ION CANNONS ====

    Shields are useless against these babies!

    ==== SHIELDS ====

    Energy dampers, Magnetic fields, Particle shielding, Ray shielding… you name it, we’ve got it.

    ==== SENSORS ====

    Electro Photo Receptors, Full-Spectrum Transceivers, Dedicated Energy Receptors, Crystal Gravfield Traps, Hyperwave Signal Intercept, Life Form Indicators. Can’t find it here? Then you’re not using one of OUR sensors!

    ==== THERMAL DETONATORS ====

    Call ahead for pricing.

    ==== DRIOIDS FOR SALE ====

    Droids of all types: Cheap!!!
    Power Converters: 15% off!

  21. I note that the Death Star was perpetually behind schedule and over budget.

    The first Death Star was supposed to be up and running in time for the assault on the Al Jedi headquarters. Instead, it was barely ready eighteen years later.

    Its main weapon was only successfully used once in a static test against an undefended planet. When actually placed in battle at Yavin, it was easily destroyed by lightly armed x-wing fighters.

    1. What do you expect from NASA (“Naboo Aeronautics and Space Administration”)? I hear that SpaceX is building a private Death Star for much less that will be available for Imperial defense within a year or two.

  22. Oh right because Vader is BLACK. RACIST!!!!

    1. Half-black. Only his voice is black.

      1. And his suit. And his heart. That makes him two-thirds black.

    1. you are the c-3po of the future…how many languages are you fluent in?

  23. “Why won’t Vader show us the body?”

    “Why won’t Vader show us HIS body?”

    I lol’d

  24. WHAT? They’re father and son?
    What did the Empire know, and when did they know it?

  25. We are not in a “star war”, we rather are engaged in kinetic military actions against the Rebel Alliance. The population of Alderaan was an unfortunate victim of collateral damage from one such action.

  26. Vader vs Obi Wan, typical Team Red Lightsaber/Team Blue Lightsaber bullshit.

  27. From Slate’s Times takedown:

    To make a virtue of its growing losses, the paper sought to register as a non-profit. The IRS promptly responded that there was an enormous difference between a non-profit institution and one that made no profit.

    I thought that was cute

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