Politics

The Obligatory Charlie Sheen Post

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You know, back in the '80s, when we were watching Lucas and delighting in the unexpectedly tender and nuanced script and acting, I think most of us would have bet that it would be Corey Haim who would be the drug-chugging, wife-threatening, whore-terrifying scandalmeister in the 21st century. And we would have been right about that.

But would we have been smart enough to double down on Charlie Sheen, a self-described "high-school dropout sitcom actor" who has (self-described!) p*wned Barack Obama regarding basic metallurgy as it relates to the (obvious!) Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld-engineered collapse of World Trade Center 7?

Once the highest-paid actor in TV and now jobless (welcome to the recession, Toots!), I guarantee you that Sheen's interview with "Info Wars" and Prison Planet" host Alex Jones above (just the first of three parts!) will entertain you more than anything Sheen has done since he walked out on that balcony during the original Wall Street and asked, "Who am I?"

Channeling the Dalai Lama, Sheen offers up an embarrassment of riches with koan-like bon mots including:

"Just like in baseball, the scoreboard never lies."

"You sir [President Obama] are a coward in a cheap suit."

"There's a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins."

"What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks." [Note: "Nails" is Lenny Dykstra, former baseball player famous for playing hard, dripping tobacco juice down the front of his face and jersey, and going bankrupt as an investment advisor.]

More wisdom here.

It's Friday, so this can qualify as a FFL (Friday Fun Link), but just to be clear, Sheen has a political dimension too. Among other insights, he dropped this one, too: "I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy."

Unlike his take regarding the 9/11 attacks, you know what? He might be on to something, and not just because Jefferson waited til his death to free virtually all of the very few of his slaves he deigned to free at all.

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  1. Is this legal? I would think that Charles Koch could sue Ian Murphy.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/…..27923.html

    1. What funniest about that is Scott Walker has no idea what the guy who is supposedly issuing orders to him sounds like. You’d think, being a helpless marionette, he’d be tuned precisely to the Kochtopus frequency.

  2. Note: “Nails” is Lenny Dykstra

    Man, I thought he was referring to the guys that sang 88 Lines About 44 Women.

  3. My god, I love Charlie. How can you not? Hookers, cocaine, cocaine, cocaine, hookers, and insanity. It’s the life we all would live if we could.

    1. Dude, he’s on fire at the moment. I recommend the AV Club’s coverage of him.

      1. How did Emilio end up so normal?

        1. I watched Repo Man two nights ago. You would think he’d have gone on to stranger things.

          Good soundtrack too.

          1. That movie should be re-released. It’s time for its wisdom to permeate our minds in a bigger way.

            John Wayne was a fag.

        2. Indeed. I’d be amused if he replaced him on that dreadful sitcom.

          1. They need to just kill off Charlie’s character and the plot can go something like this, Charlie Harper died and left the house in his will to his uncle, played by Gary Busey, and Busey takes over opposite Jon Cryer.

            Or Alex Jones and Charlie Sheen can get their own HBO series, with Jesse Ventura in the mix too.

            1. Strange, but when I first started reading your comment, Mr. Joshua popped in my head as the obvious replacement. Then you mentioned him. He is the standard by which all Hollywood insanity must be judged.

              1. Or you could get this Nick Nolte:

                http://twitter.com/#!/Nick_Nolte

                1. when my beard starts collecting stray animals and my hair is a bit too greasy for her tastes, my wife tells me that I’m starting to look “Noltey”
                  I immediately head for the shower and pull out the wahl trimmer.

    2. Yes. The real tragedy here was that two and a half men got canceled (suspended?) because of this instead of for being the unfunny piece of trash that it is.

      1. I don’t think I’ve made it through more than about five minutes of an episode. That this is America’s number one comedy makes me want to go back to inventing a contraception bomb.

        1. It’s just because they often have hot chicks on it, right? That at least makes it not completely insane, right?

          1. I guess. But then most sitcoms have a cavalcade of hot guest stars. It’s just really, really unfunny. Every joke lands with a sodden thud.

            1. Well, that makes it no different than every other sitcom on network TV other than Community.

              1. I like Parks and Recreation. But most of it is that I watch it for Ron, my favorite fictional libertarian in modern popular culture.

                1. That is acceptable. If you watch Modern Family then it’s Jamshidi time however.

                  1. I’m not a depraved monster. The only other sitcoms I even watch are 30 Rock for the ad-libbing and The Office because I’ve seen them all and I can’t seem to stop.

                    1. Steve Carrell is the worst person in american comedy. Just horrible.

                    2. Margaret Cho is still alive, your argument is invalid.

                    3. Uh…Ellen DeGeneres?

                    4. You mean Ellen Degenerate.

                    5. Scary, SF. That’s pretty much my sitcom diet, too.

                    6. I will admit that I do watch Outsourced on occasion. But mostly because I am fascinated at how bad it is.

                      I am amazing tenacious about seeing shows through to the end. For example, I still watch Smallville.

                      My TiVo has 72 Season Passes.

                    7. I still watch Smallville.

                      WTF! How did you ever watch it?

                      We need to do an internet intervention.

                    8. Uh, seasons 5 through 7 of Smallville were really good. Plus, Erica Durance, you fool.

                      I no longer watch the show, though. It just started to bore me terribly.

                    9. My viewing habits are incredibly influenced by insomnia. I watch embarrassing amounts of TV.

                    10. My viewing habits are incredibly influenced by insomnia. Ditto squared. Thank FSM for TCM. Even if it’s a bad old movie, at least it’s commercial-free.

                      … Hobbit

    3. He’s definitely your analogue in Hollywood.

    4. It’s the life we all would live if we could.…till we can’t

  4. How much am I loving old school 80’s villain Gaddafi’s return to form as a true, out-and-out, unmitigated bad guy?

    They need to send Liam Neeson, Yaphet Kotto, James Woods, and Carl Withers in to sort him out. Watch out though, you just know that Michael Ironside will have some side action going and will betray them to protect his investment.

    1. REVOK!!!

      1. 🙂 I was thinking more of his turn as Major Paul Hackett though.

        1. “See you at the party, Richter!”

          (throws arms off lift)

  5. That boy ain’t right.

  6. Nothing about his antisemitic rants?

    Right now, I bet he’s Liberty Mike’s favorite actor.

    1. There was no anti semitic rant.

      Charlie said it best this morning to TMZ when he asked…

      ‘If people call me Carlos Estevez does that mean I get to call them anti-latino?’

    2. There was no anti semitic rant.

      Charlie said it best this morning to TMZ when he asked…

      ‘If people call me Carlos Estevez does that mean I get to call them anti-latino?’

  7. “Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee ? they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

  8. charlie is channeling his inner Ted Nugent.

  9. Hmm, a rambling, narcissistic rant; Is Charlie Sheen an Objectivist?

    1. That would make him a H&R “libertarian.” Big difference.

  10. “I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not just perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.”

  11. So what you’re telling me is… cocaine has spared America from another season of “Two and a Half Men”? And if Sheen keeps doing it, he might so spite the show’s name that networks will stop airing that vapid bullshit altogether (I can dream).

    … Man, that’s a pretty strong argument for legalization.

    1. Cocaine may have gotten him into Two and a Half Men in the first place.

  12. I’ve listened to Sheen on the Alex Jones show a few times, they are pals, they have ‘in jokes’, Sheen always talks like this, this is nothing new.

    The vatican assassin joke was an in joke…

    I thought Sheen sounded fine.

    He was right about what he said about AA, it is a cult, a stupid fraud based on denying free will.

    At the height of the Tiger Woods scandal I was just hoping Tiger would say ‘f… you’ to the entire world and fly to the Bahamas with some porn stars rather than cower and whimper and apologize…

    Now Sheen does it and I’m glad he did. Obviously he wanted to get away from the AA cultists he had hanging around him back home.

    Sheen has done some things, yeah, but he’s never been late for work and it is clear there is a concerted campaign to play up every little thing he says or does.

    The sheer amount of false quotes that have propagated in the media today and yesterday by people who have only taken a cursory listen to the radio interview, and listened to no others between him and Alex Jones, is just typical lamestream media rubbish.

    Sheen is a funny guy and he doesn’t need his job, he’s very wealthy.

    If we truly believe in freedom we should let him be happy, in the arms of porn whores and a suitcase full of cocaine, he could have some very happy years without the world bugging him.

    I wish him the best. He’s the most entertaining 45 year old man in the world that I know of. No one comes close. Entertaining in every respect, private life included.

    I’d love to party with the guy, millions of guys and girls would agree and like to party with him too.

    So he believes in Tower 7 conspiracies… so what… billions upon billions of people around the world center their lives around multitudes of different things that are just as full of crap and for which there is zero good evidence.

    Even you, I would hazard a guess, believe some crap that I would say is crap.

    Give Charlie a break. Charlie from what I’ve gathered, didn’t fully unleash on his boss until his boss aired a personal attack in the guise of a vanity card… and humiliated Charlie.

    As a matter of fact, the entire series run of Two and half men could be seen as the producers capitalizing on an image of Charlie as a hard boozing womanizer… this persona was the golden goose for all the producers and networks… and now we see someone has decided it has ‘gone too far’… well who cares, it was fun while it lasted.

    Hogan’s Heroes star Bob Crane was a similar porn loving party animal… this line of work tends to produce fevered egos… but as long as all the crimes are victimless who gives a s#@t…

    1. Bob Crane was my best Halloween costume idea. Ever.

      1. Zombie Bob Crane? Where did you place the semen stain?

        1. On his pilot’s hat, of course!

        2. 🙂 Late career Bob Crane with a polaroid camera and loud (but well cut) clothing. Killer plaid sports jacket.

      2. Did you stick a bloodied camera tripod to your head, was that part of the costume?

        Or just the airman’s jacket?

        Did you know that Bob Crane’s son has a website where he sells pay per view pornos of his dad banging girls he picked up in the 70s?

        1. Yep, and it is appropriately creepy.

        2. I did not know that, but I sure am glad I do now.
          Link??????

      3. Did your costume come with electrical cord?

    2. +1 on Charlie and another +1 on 2.5…yeah it may be low-brow humor, but damn it makes me laugh.

      And you’d be hard pressed to find another show in history that has feature so many hot women -8

    3. Except when Bob Crane got murdered right?

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Crane

  13. I want to be Charlie sheen’s home theater salesman.

  14. Sheen’s problem is that he doesn’t own the Jacket.

    You don’t see Gillispie getting into these sorts of trouble.

    Do ya? 😉

  15. Well spoken Gnarlington. I admit I actually like the show. I could not careless what these overpaid people do with their free time. As long as they don’t harm others. Charlie seems to just lay havoc to himself.
    His rants against Chaim Levine are spot on. If one arrogant ass can say shit, he better be able to take it when he gets crap thrown in his direction.

  16. I think what is remarkable is that I’ve read 30 news reports on this story and they all simply call Alex Jones a ‘nationally syndicated radio host’ without ever once mentioning the whole conspiracy theorist thing.

    Today on NBC even had Jones on.

    I will say though, I thought Sheen sounded like he always sounds.

  17. Will Sheen make a guest appearance on the next season of East Bound & Down? Will Kenny Powers have a cameo in Major League 3?

  18. Ah yes, the coke-snorting anti-Semetic crackpots are coming home to roost. I won’t criticize his whore mongering because I love me some whores.

  19. Were the nails he was referring to the final ones in the meritocracy of wealth, or did I miss something?

  20. I imagine every reality-TV producer in Hollywood is currently working overtime on signing Sheen. Guaranteed ratings smash.

  21. whoa, give ol’ jefferson a break. He died in debt, because his crops failed repeatedly after 1816, largely a result of volcanic explosion of mount tambora.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Year_Without_A_Summer

  22. You know what’s really pathetic about all this? Sheen’s threatened Denise Richards, assaulted his most recent spouse with a knife, and his drug addictions have been a pain in the ass for his employers for years, including Two and A Half Men. But apparently, only when he plays “Name That Jew” does he get fired.

    1. Yeah, cuz threatening violence against your boss never has job consequences.

      It must be the jew thing.

  23. Mel Gibson does not play dumb about 9/11 either.

  24. Sheen is facing religious persecution from the producers of 2.5 Men. Chuck Lorre is an AA member, Charlie has denounced AA, then Lorre pulls the plug on the show. Not too hard to figure out.

    Check my blog post on it: http://www.thecleanslate.org/c…..anonymous/

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