Reason.tv: Con Air 2010 (TSA Remix) … This holiday season, we're all convicts

Cameron Poe is back, and he's getting an enhanced pat down (just like you).

This holiday travel season, we're all convicts.

Exactly 31 seconds.

"Con Air 2010 (TSA Remix)" is written and produced by Ted Balaker.

Related video: Coming Soon to an Airport Near You: Prison-style strip searches?

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Comments

[Tulpa]

This was an awesome film, regardless of what the effete elites around here say about it.

Though it does help if you've consumed a few gallons of Four Loko by Chief O'Brien's first screen appearance.

[Fist of Etiquette]

This was an awesome film...

THANK YOU. That needed to be said before the legions of haters showed up.

[Pro Libertate]

I'm not a member of the legion of haters, but that movie sucked. And I mean a lot. There are plenty of mindless, silly movies that I've enjoyed, but this movie didn't rise to even that low level.

[Warty]

I didn't think I could hate you any more, but it turns out that you call movies films. You are a plague.

[dbcooper]

But I thought you were a "that was truly great cinema" type Warty?

[Warty]

Even Jerry Bruckheimer gets insulted if you call one of his movies great cinema.

[?]

They're called "pictures," you vandals.

[Pro Libertate]

"Talkies", newbie.

[Realist]

Flicks!

[Gate Rapist]

The Flickers

[Greg House]

Pornos.

[Fat Crack Ho]

Or celluloid. As in, Con Air features some of the finest scenes of derring-do ever committed to celluloid.

[Episiarch]

It's telling that you call people with taste "effete". So what does having zero taste make you? Jerry Bruckheimer's bitch?

You also might want to look at the list of Simon West's other films. I'll give you a hint: it's not, uh, stellar.

[dbcooper]

For the decidedly non-effete, an update of On the Road:

On the Bro'd

[dbcooper]

Hmm, he's doing a Mechanic remake. Will anyone be able to look as incongruously hobo-esque as Bronson did in the original?

[Episiarch]

It's going to be Statham, so...no?

(No one can ever be Bronson. Ever.)

[dbcooper]

Yeah. I do hope they do a shabby job at making him look classy, even though he won't be laugh out loud funny like Bronson in the original.

BTW, best Bronson movie? Deathhunt has got to be up there.

[Pro Libertate]

You mean where he was the lead? 'Cause otherwise, The Great Escape, The Magnificent Seven, and The Dirty Dozen.

[Episiarch]

Death Hunt is excellent. It was such a great find for me, totally by random (I was recording anything with Bronson in it on my TiVo).

[SugarFree]

As an aside... one of the Encore channels is playing Carpenter's Prince of Darkness on the 24th.

Demonic Hobos! Donald Pleasence! Liquid Satan!

[Episiarch]

But not The Devil's Rain?

[SugarFree]

DR had the same director as The Final Programme, the film adaptation of Micheal Moorcock's first Jerry Cornelius novel.

[dbcooper]

Prince of Darkness is fucking awesome (well OK, more like good in parts). Love that cheap but spooky "transmission" sequence they use.

Good score too.

[SugarFree]

Bronson made even mediocre stuff great...Telefon, for example.

[Ted S.]

I like Gang War myself.

[Chlorophyllite]

Looked at Jan Michael Vincent lately?

[sarcasmic]

The only thing worse than a Nicolas Cage movie is one with Steven Seagal.

[Episiarch]

Anybody know who killed Bobby Lupo?!?

[dbcooper]

Cue balls in towels aside, the best thing about that movie is that it was shot by a craftsman like Dean Cundy. Wonderful trash.

[Episiarch]

I'm gonna keep coming back here until somebody remembers seeing Ritchie!

His "Brooklyn" accent in it is so bad that it's hilarious.

And that one wasn't Cundey. It was Ric Waite.

For your amusement.

[dbcooper]

Fudge. I always get confused by the Red Dawn and Road House credits.

[Warty]

NOOOO NOT THE BEES

[dbcooper]

He must be cast in The Swarm remake.

Doing an english accent. 😀

[mad libertarian guy]

Bullshit.

Anything with Seagal automatically gets 5 stars. You can't tear yourself away from the screen with such compelling screenwriting and flawlessly executed acting. Not to mention he's badass.

Seriously though, I watch any movie with Seagal no matter how poor.

[P Brooks]

Legion of Haters

Where do I enlist?

[Citizen Nothing]

I admit, I enjoyed Con Air, too. (And I can forgive Cage a host of sins after Raising Arizona).
Speaking of disaster movies, I'm on the maiden voyage of the worlds' largest cruise ship tomorrow, which will be packed with travel writers and assorted hangers-on.
If we don't make it back, I want Michael Chiklis to play me in the movie, (but I fear it'll be Jason Alexander).

[Pro Libertate]

Raising Arizona gives him the right to continue living and to call himself a Coppola. It does not offset the crappiness of Con Air.

[Episiarch]

Vampire's Kiss sported a great, manic performance from him too. He was OK when he started out. Now he's a fucking joke.

[Pro Libertate]

His hair is what did him in.

[SugarFree]

I always get that mixed up with Once Bitten.

[Episiarch]

It's the comedy version of Martin!

[SugarFree]

The first time I saw Martin and Willard, I watched them back to back. For years I blended the two into an over-long movie about a vampire with a telepathic rat.

[Episiarch]

That's a fantastic idea for a movie.

[Pro Libertate]

Um, can't traditional vampires command animals telepathically? So why would one need a telepathic rat? Seems kind of redundant to me.

[Ted S.]

I prefer the Nazi version of Titanic when it comes to disaster movies.

[P Brooks]

I want Michael Chiklis to play me in the movie, (but I fear it'll be Jason Alexander).

Brad Pitt.

[Citizen Nothing]

Brad Pitt
Now we're cookin'.
You must know me, huh?

[SugarFree]

New TSA Logo

[P Brooks]

"This year alone, the use of advanced imaging technology has led to the detection of over 130 prohibited, illegal or dangerous items," TSA spokesman Greg Soule told FoxNews.com. The TSA would not disclose exactly what those items were, but it said they included weapons like ceramic knives and various drugs -- including a syringe filled with heroine hidden in a passenger's underwear.

hier

That guy was going to kick down the cockpit door and shoot up the pilot; because that's how you bring down a plane. And that asteroid which was going to destroy the earth- we took care of that, too.

Sometimes it's hard to believe these bastards don't just burst into flame when they spout this nonsense.

[Citizen Nothing]

117 nail clippers, 10 zippo lighters and three cans of 4Loco = 130.

[mad libertarian guy]

That's some funny shit right there.

[left coast rebel]

Here's an awesome TSA caption contest. Take part!

http://www.leftcoastrebel.com/.....enver.html

[NoVAHockey]

"Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler"

[SugarFree]

"Christ! How do you even get it wedged up there like that in the first place?"

[JW]

"Sir, I'm not going to be able to remove my hand until you relax. I'm starting to lose some feeling in the fingers, so please hurry."

[P Brooks]

Nice.

Now Fox trots out one of the 9/11 done kilt mah MOMMA! professional victim cultists:

As critics blast new, more invasive pat-down procedures used by the Transportation Security Administration, the daughter of a woman who was killed on Sept. 11, 2001, said travelers need to acknowledge that security threats remain more than nine years after the terror attacks that killed nearly 3,000 people.

Carie Lemack, co-founder of Families of September 11 and the Global Survivors Network, suggested travelers find other modes of transportation if they're uncomfortable submitting to whole body imaging or newly implemented pat-down procedures that some claim are too invasive.

"People need to recognize that there's still a threat," Lemack told FoxNews.com in a telephone interview from London. "And I'm not saying that as a fearmonger. It's just a fact."

and

"We're Americans, we can meet this threat, we can counter it," Lemack said. "I think they don't want to go through what my mom went through. I don't want to let her down and I want to make sure what happened to her never happens again."

Lemack, who will return to the United States on Wednesday via a commercial flight, said she will submit to security checks of any kind and urged others to do so.

Eat shit and die, Carrie.

[P Brooks]

Won't SOMEONE think of the poor TSA agents goons?

TSA screeners are more vulnerable than most federal employees. Unlike their counterparts elsewhere in the civil service, the agency's employees don't have collective-bargaining rights yet, which means it's more difficult for them to negotiate with TSA over working conditions and policies and procedures. There isn't even consensus over which union should represent TSA screeners. Both the American Federation of Government Employees and the National Treasury Employees Union have been organizing Transportation Security Officers for years, but it was only last week that the unions won the right to have an election to see which one will represent screeners.

...

Even if screeners were in a strong position to push TSA on security policies, making their working conditions miserable isn't likely to inspire a strong sense of solidarity between Transportation Security Officers and the traveling public. Wearing a kilt and no underwear to a screening isn't advocacy. It's sexual harassment. And it's sexual harassment of a group of employees who have fewer workplace protections than other security workers such as cops. That's not cute, funny, or effective.

Holy fuck.

[Nancy]

I'll say it again: TSA agents would rather be doing almost anything else than feeling your flabby flesh. They didn't have a say in the new policy and they're just as stuck with it as you are. So grow up just a little. The agents are not the problem. The policy is the problem.

[Trespassers W]

The concentration camp guards are not the problem...

You've just been Godwin'd.

[Sy]

"We were just following orders" defense didn't hold up well at the Nuremburg trials.
Godwin x2
(drink up, bitches)

[cynical]

If the agents refuse to implement the policy, the policy doesn't exist for all intents and purposes.

And yes, they might get fired. But I guarantee you that if my boss tells me to grope a random woman walking by or get fired, that shit will not hold up in court as a defense.

[Bingo]

Actually, it is very funny.

[Ted S.]

Won't SOMEONE think of the poor TSA agents goons?

I've been thinking of them. I think they're scum.

[mad libertarian guy]

Yeah. Part of their job "requires" that they jangle my shit up to and including tugging my sack and running their hands all up in my fuckin' pants, and my response to this severe invasion of my person and assault on my sovereignty as a human being is sexual harassment. The state somehow has the absolute right to violate my privacy, and I just have to take it upon threat of being fuckin' jailed.

Fuck. You.

[P Brooks]

TSA agents would rather be doing almost anything else than feeling your flabby flesh.

But, well, you know...

Orders are orders.

Must follow them.

Eat shit and die, "Nancy".

[Trespassers W]

My point made in other words. But do you have to swear so dang much?

[Ted S.]

As I keep arguing, there are people with all sorts of wacky fetishes. I wouldn't be surprised if there are TSA drones with fat fetishes getting their rocks off feeling up fat passengers.

[P Brooks]

Sometimes; I have completely lost patience with the "give up your rights for my ease of mind" crowd.

If people want complete freedom from risk, they should lock themselves in their basements*, and let the rest of us go about our business.

*won't work

[Tulpa]

There might be radon in the basement.

[ectoBiologist]

PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

I SAID, PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

WHY COULDN'T YOU PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX?