Politics

Hey Obama, the Jerk Store Called…They're Running Out of Jokes About Slurpees!

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Forget the craptacular poll numbers, the horrifying (thought meant to be sympathetic) profile in the New York Times mag, the looming party loss in November. President Barack Obama has crossed the line dividing statesman and sad sack by constantly pushing a line that makes George Costanza's infamous "jerk store" comeback seem like the fabled "killer joke" of Monty Python.

As USA Today reports, the prez has hauled out his har-har-funny line about Slurpees at least "20 times in recent weeks":

And every once in a while [after working like mad to get the U.S. economy/car out of a ditch], we'd look up at the Republicans. They were—they had driven into the ditch, but they had gotten out and they were kind of taking a break, fanning themselves and sipping on a Slurpee, watching us do all the work.

Over the weekend, Barack and Michelle Obama came to campaign in Columbus, Ohio, where the president boldly stuck it to the Party of Lincoln Slurpees by suggesting that Republicans don't just guzzle crushed-ice beverages but…lattes!

"Even though we didn't drive it into the ditch, it is still our responsibility to get that car out of the ditch, and so we pushed and we pushed. And every once in a while we'd look up. And up on the road, you'd see a Republican standing there, fanning themselves, sippin' on a Slurpee, having a latte," he said.

A Slurpee and a latte? Those goddamn sons of bitches! More on that here.

If that bit about the lattes sounds familiar, you're probably thinking of an incredibly shitty ad from years back that painted Howard Dean (remember him?) and Dems as latte-drinkin', Volvo-drivin', body-piercin' freakazoids:

 

To put a positive spin on this, I guess it's worth postulating that it's a better America when Slurpees and lattes are available in one form or another at every convenience store in the country (though as Joe Biden will tell you, the 7-Eleven stores in his home state are staffed exclusively by people with "slight Indian accents").

And I guess it's a better America where martinis are no longer the drink of choice of miscreants and malefactors everywhere. To recall those simpler days, check out this cover of Bob Dylan's "Hurricane" (the martini line comes in around 2.50):

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  1. Yeah, it’s hard work trying to pay off favored constituents and foisting unwanted socialist programs on the country.

    He puts the “lame” in “lame duck.”

    1. If only he had been an actual lame duck during his first two years. This country could use at least 5-10 lame duck presidents (coupled with gridlock everywhere else). Maybe instead of saying “get out of the way assholes” we should be saying “for god’s sake, just don’t fucking touch anything for 5 minutes you bastards” minus the expletives. The latter is at least more realistic in the short term.

  2. I made it approximately halfway through the Lantirn link before closing it in fear of retching all over my keyboard.

  3. What the hell, dude. That’s not Obama holding that slurpee. It’s Osama. That joke makes no sense at all.

    1. Don’t you see? The Republicans are just like the Taliban! It’s bin Laden who drove that car into the ditch. Right before he blew it up.

      1. It was not a ditch. It was a river.

        1. It was a tidal channel, asshole.

          1. I was drunk on my as so…whatever.

            1. But I always have cared deeply for those who can’t drink Slurpees.

      1. You’re gonna get us shut down. 😉

        1. I wonder how that all turned out, by the way.

      2. Anyone know a good aviation attorney?

  4. “Those goddamn sons of bitches!”

    I spit out water when I read this.

    1. I’m pretty sure I’ve said before that The Jacket can bring the snark. Great example, this.

    2. Mountain Dew, right out my nostrils.

      It kind of hurt, but I’m still laughing at this.

  5. The Slurtte?. It’s a product who’s time has come.

    1. McSlurtte and McRib value meal, for a limited time only.

    2. Those are those junky Frappalattes, or whatever 8,000 calorie monstrosities the “coffee” shops are serving these days.

    3. Only available at participating QuickBux locations.

  6. In Illinois, military and overseas voters can ask for either a paper ballot or a ballot sent by email. Ballots sent by email must be reprinted by the voter on the voter’s printer and send back.

    In most counties the electronic choice is made by about a quarter of voters. Three quarters want good old fashioned paper. The highest rates of choosing electronic is in Champaign County and Lake County ? which is about 30 percent.

    There is one place, however, that is strangely off the scale: Chicago. Where else?

    In Chicago, the rate of voters “choosing” to get an email attaching their ballots is a whopping eighty six percent. This is such as extraordinary outlier, that something must be wrong.

    In Chicago, 6,800 ballots were sent by email, 982 were sent by paper.

    A person expert in the administration of elections in Illinois told Election Law Center that “Chicago appears to be disregarding the choice of the voters and may be simply sending ballots electronically in almost all instances, perhaps anytime the voter communicated by email, even if they communicated they wanted a paper ballot. The problem with this is that no printer can replicate the quality needed by the Sequoia ballot machine readers. This means that every one of these ballots must be recreated back in Chicago before they can be read through the machine.”

    Did you hear that? Chicago election officials are going to have to take the paper ballots mailed from overseas, and “recreate” them before they feed them into the machines. Can you imagine Chicago election officials, pencil in hand, deciding who the guy in Iraq wants to vote for in the U.S. Senate race, and faithfully “reproducing” his mark on a nice new official ballot. That’s what seems to be coming in Chicago.

    http://biggovernment.com/publi…..ore-182873

    1. I was recently asked to sign a petition to help get Rahm Emmanuel on the mayoral ballot in Chicago. I let out such a maniacal laugh the guy backed-away.

      1. If he gets elected, that will prove that people don’t actually have the vote in Chicago. The Machine simply votes on the people’s behalf.

  7. President Barack Obama has crossed the line dividing statesman and sad sack

    A very blurred line, to be sure.

  8. Well I had sex with your wife!

    1. You have a shrimp stuck to your face.

  9. I’m confused. Is drinking Lattes a good thing or a bad thing?

    1. It’s a bad thing. You drink Americanos. You throw lattes on the windshield of higher up executive females that look like they’re dressed for a cougar marathon.

      1. Iced Americanos are teh awesome.

        However, if you’re in Europe, only get them at Starbucks. The Europeans apparently think an iced coffee should be a cold frothy cup of foam.

      2. Funniest thing Lenny Bruce ever said. Audience member asks him what is the most WASP thing on the planet. Took a second, replied, ‘instant mashed potatoes. Scary Wasp.’

    2. Good Americans drink scotch.

      1. Osama Seinfeld, Stand Up Artist:

        And what’s up with the Americans? The only good American is a dead American….or, as my Mexican Drug Lord? friends refer to them, “Iced Americanos”…..hahahahahahahahaha!

        Try the lattes! I’ll be here all week!

      2. Agreed. Now, there’s a beverage to complement my top hat and monocle. Maybe with just a thimbleful of smuggled Chinese orphan blood mixed in.

  10. Of course they were taking a break. When you notice that people are pushing the car deeper in the ditch, there’s no real point in helping them.

    I once had a boss pester me about adding a field to a database. This field was vitally necessary, since it was entirely possible to add the data in a pre-existing field right next to the one they wanted me to add. It would have been possible to search for this data, and there was no reason to create reports based on it.

    Value added = 0; Extra work = 40-60 hours; chance of breaking something, and adding 120 extra hours of work = 15-30%.

    I’m sure I had a few lattes that week, too.

  11. For like the last 40 years every Democrat nominee has been a lawyer (except Gore you went to law school but didn’t finish). The last Repub nominee lawyer was Gerald Ford!

  12. WE did all this good shit that was in the news constantly and nobody know about it or appreciates it.

    Waaahhhh!

  13. Iowahawk’s dissertation on the Republicans-love-Slurpees joke was brilliant.

    http://iowahawk.typepad.com/io…..urpee.html

  14. Some Slurpee history.

    The most recent (and probably last ever) MLB pitcher to win 30 games in a season served slurpees in Michigan while on work release.

    1. Denny. What an asshole…but everyone loved him as he kept fucking up other people’s lives on the way to The Big House (not the one in Ann Arbor)

      I believe his compadre Mickey Lolich went into the donut-making bidness after he retired, which seems appropriate as well.

      1. Mickey Lolich was a damned fine pitcher. Not Hall of Fame material, but a real workhorse and a helluva guy.

        “All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'”

        He hit his only major league home run in the ’68 World Series.

        1. Yep, he was. He just looked like he should own a donut shop. Nice man (esp compared to Denny McLain), and, as you say, one helluva pitcher.

          Me, I was a Willie Horton guy

    1. Much timelier than the “Toonces” link I was expecting…:)

  15. Meanwhile, Team Obama is currently taking bids from minority-owned federally-licensed contractors to have the vehicle removed from the ditch once the environmental-impact study is concluded.

    This Team Blue shit is really becoming low-hanging fruit.

    1. That’s no-shit how it’s done by the Feds. In order to be considered for business, you’re ranked according to your level of ‘disability’ for alack of better words. You’ll see ” Woman-owned. Veteran. Native-American, handicap” Point is you buy from the most adjective-laden minority group you can find.

      1. Unfortunately the adjectives efficient and inexpensive don’t seem to matter.

  16. “standing there, fanning themselves, sippin’ on a Slurpee, having a latte”

    I believe these *must* be codewords to his followers.

    Like “sippin’ on a Slurpee” might mean “filtering illegal foreign money through the U.S. Chamber of Commerce to fund ads attcking us”, or less benignly, “the SEIU will beat them to a pulp”.

    (“Those goddamn sons of bitches!” — Excellent LOL!)

  17. This is pure genius, but it works only for those of us old enough to actually have played the Adventure game he’s spoofing. If you know that game (which I played for hours on a Radio Shack TRS-80 back in the very early 1980s), you’ll love it.

    This one is more to the point of this posting.

    1. >ENERGIZE BASE

      BY “BASE”, DO YOU MEAN THAT REPULSIVE COLLECTION OF SNIDE FUCKWIT URBAN HIPSTER TWATS?

      >Y

      HOW?

      >CAR DITCH SLURPEE JOKE

      BASE ENERGY FAIL. STIMULUS FAIL. HEALTH CARE FAIL. TARP FAIL.

      YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU HAVE 41% APPROVAL HEALTH. YOU HAVE NO GOLD LEFT. YOU HAVE NO CONGRESS LEFT. YOU HAVE NO MEDIA LEFT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

      >BLAME BUSH

      I’M SORRY, THAT DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE.

      1. but it works only for those of us old enough to actually have played the Adventure game he’s spoofing.

        Zork?

        Eamon?

      2. I’m going to get railed on for this, but TARP was 2008.

        Commence the storm in three, two, one….

        1. Well, he did vote for it, and most of it was unspent when he became president.

          1. Most of it has been paid back, and all of it will be paid back soon.

    2. This is pure genius.

  18. Is it bad if I actually quite liked that anti-Howard Dean ad? It’s quite funny.

  19. If you know that game (which I played for hours on a Radio Shack TRS-80 back in the very early 1980s), you’ll love it.

    I do, and I do.

  20. Clicked too soon.

    My favorite part of the first Matrix movie is when Neo is excaping his office. He’s essentially a character in that game, being played over the phone by Morpheus.

    1. The Chappelle version has better acting.

  21. This article is obviously written by a COCKTAIL PARTY COSMOTARIAN!!!!

  22. Personally I know a guy is gay when we meet and i feel the need to check my fly~hdf34

  23. I wouldn’t worry about Obama; no one is paying attention to him other than the media.

  24. Whatever the truth of the matter, the American people need to know how he managed to become a “natural born” American citizen between 1981 and 2008..

    Given the destructive nature of his plans for America, as illustrated by his speech before Congress and the disastrous spending plan he has presented to Congress, the sooner we learn the truth of all this, the better.

    If you Don’t care that Your President is not a natural born Citizen and in Violation of the Constitution, then Delete this, and then lower your American Flag to half-staff, because the U.S. Constitution is already on life-support, and won’t survive much longer.

    If you do care then Forward this to as many patriotic Americans as you can, because our country is being looted and ransacked! TO THE WEAK-KNEED REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRAT?..TO ALL THE COMMUNIST IN THE IG,FBI,CIA,AND U.S. Senators and the left wing media outlets?..Wake up america!!!! This goverment is the most corrupt we have had in years. The good old boy network is very much in charge.Mr. obama and pelosi are the puppet masters.How many of their good friends benefited by the agreement ” what a farce. All of the u.sSenators voted for this. I am ashamed to say I voted for the these corupted self serving politicians.With good reason they picked an out of towner to be president.All u.s departments need an overhaul. We need to rid ourselves of the puppet masters and the dept heads that bow down to obama and pelosi.I am sick of the lip service I have been getting from these dummies over violations, their friends are getting away with.in the goverment . Barack Hussein Obama , threatens friends and bows to Mmslim.
    INPEACH OBAMA ,GOD OPEN YOUR EYES.///For us there are only two possiblities: either we remain american or we come under the thumb of the communist Mmslim Barack Hussein OBAMA. This latter must not occur.THE COMMANDER.
    OBAMA goes about his business by speaking the lie. II Thessalonians 2 says that he comes “with all deceivableness of unrighteousness.” Revelation 13:12 says, “and he spoke as a dragon….” Revelation 17 tells us that he was a false prophet, a prophet being one whose calling it is to speak and to teach. The armies of the world may have guns and tanks and bombs to bring people into submission; but the power of speech and ideas is a mighty power. In his initial attempts to destroy the cause of God Obama used a serpent to deceive the woman with crooked speech: “You will be like God.” Now he uses a “dragon” who speaks crafty, lying words. His speeches will be heard by millions who will hang on his persuasive rhetoric. The content as well as the form of his speech will attract. Like most false prophets, he will even be sincere and passionate. But he is a liar. He adds dashes of truth to the mix, so that his lie tastes like truth. He will use all the right catchwords, using the language of the church, even throwing in a Bible text or two. But he is the ultimate Liar, and will deceive many.
    OBAMA will use every tool available: school teachers, politicians, news broadcasters, artists, musicians, scientists and doctors, lawyers and businessmen. All will be pressed into the service of OBAMA to deceive men. But especially he will use those whose calling it is to persuade and to teach — men who claim to be preachers of the gospel of Jesus Christ. ===================Both communists and National Socialists prospered in this climate in which the common people powerfully rejected the whole concept of a liberal democracy.
    In the 2009 election campaign obama put himself forward as the strong and decisive leader which america had been longing for. As many have commented, all the Party really offered was order, discipline and authority since they had not drawn up any detailed policies ?quot; however, it was indeed the order, discipline and authority which the america were longing and craving for! Moreover the party made it clear that, when elected, they would form a dictatorship ?quot; not a democracy, but this, again, was exactly what the people wanted
    THE COMMANDER,,, REPOST THIS IF YOU AGREE .. THE END OF AMERICA.

  25. TO THE WEAK-KNEED REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRAT?..TO ALL THE COMMUNIST IN THE IG,FBI,CIA,AND U.S. Senators and the left wing media outlets?..Wake up america!!!! This goverment is the most corrupt we have had in years. The good old boy network is very much in charge.Mr. obama and pelosi are the puppet masters.How many of their good friends benefited by the agreement ” what a farce. All of the u.sSenators voted for this. I am ashamed to say I voted for the these corupted self serving politicians.With good reason they picked an out of towner to be president.All u.s departments need an overhaul. We need to rid ourselves of the puppet masters and the dept heads that bow down to obama and pelosi.I am sick of the lip service I have been getting from these dummies over violations, their friends are getting away with.in the goverment . Barack Hussein Obama , threatens friends and bows to Mmslim.
    INPEACH OBAMA ,GOD OPEN YOUR EYES.///For us there are only two possiblities: either we remain american or we come under the thumb of the communist Mmslim Barack Hussein OBAMA. This latter must not occur.THE COMMANDER.
    OBAMA goes about his business by speaking the lie. II Thessalonians 2 says that he comes “with all deceivableness of unrighteousness.” Revelation 13:12 says, “and he spoke as a dragon….” Revelation 17 tells us that he was a false prophet, a prophet being one whose calling it is to speak and to teach. The armies of the world may have guns and tanks and bombs to bring people into submission; but the power of speech and ideas is a mighty power. In his initial attempts to destroy the cause of God Obama used a serpent to deceive the woman with crooked speech: “You will be like God.” Now he uses a “dragon” who speaks crafty, lying words. His speeches will be heard by millions who will hang on his persuasive rhetoric. The content as well as the form of his speech will attract. Like most false prophets, he will even be sincere and passionate. But he is a liar. He adds dashes of truth to the mix, so that his lie tastes like truth. He will use all the right catchwords, using the language of the church, even throwing in a Bible text or two. But he is the ultimate Liar, and will deceive many.
    OBAMA will use every tool available: school teachers, politicians, news broadcasters, artists, musicians, scientists and doctors, lawyers and businessmen. All will be pressed into the service of OBAMA to deceive men. But especially he will use those whose calling it is to persuade and to teach — men who claim to be preachers of the gospel of Jesus Christ.===================Both communists and National Socialists prospered in this climate in which the common people powerfully rejected the whole concept of a liberal democracy.
    In the 2009 election campaign obama put himself forward as the strong and decisive leader which america had been longing for. As many have commented, all the Party really offered was order, discipline and authority since they had not drawn up any detailed policies ?quot; however, it was indeed the order, discipline and authority which the america were longing and craving for! Moreover the party made it clear that, when elected, they would form a dictatorship ?quot; not a democracy, but this, again, was exactly what the people wanted!============ THE COMMANDER,,, REPOST THIS IF YOU AGREE .. THE END OF AMERICA-

  26. Subject: STOP OBAMA
    Message:
    obama people have no idea of the extent to which they have to be gulled in order to be led.” “The size of the lie is a definite factor in causing it to be believed, for the vast masses of the nation are in the depths of their hearts more easily deceived than they are consciously and intentionally bad. The primitive simplicity of their minds renders them a more easy prey to a big lie than a small one, for they themselves often tell little lies but would be ashamed to tell a big one.” “All propaganda must be so popular and on such an intellectual level, that even the most stupid of those towards whom it is directed will understand it. Therefore, the intellectual level of the propaganda must be lower the larger the number of people who are to be influenced by it.” “Through clever and constant application of propaganda, people can be made to see paradise as hell, and also the other way around, to consider the most wretched sort of life as paradise. “pelosi don’t see much future for the Americans … it’s a decayed country. And they have their racial problem, and the problem of social &^% …obama feelings against Americanism are feelings of hatred and deep repugnance … everything about the behaviour of American society reveals that it’s half &^%, and the other half &^& How can one expect a State like that to hold TOGTHER.They include the angry left wing bloggers who spread vicious lies and half-truths about their political adversaries… Those lies are then repeated by the duplicitous left wing media outlets who “discuss” the nonsense on air as if it has merit? The media’s justification is apparently “because it’s out there”, truth be damned. State: *usa Obama chuckles at America*
    If YOU PASS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YRS HARD LABOR, YOU PASS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET SHOT. Under the Mexican law, illegal immigration is a felony, punishable by up to two years in prison,There is no immigration allowed in China, India, Bangladesh, Russia, Japan, Cuba, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Syria, Turkey and MOST other countries YOU PASS THE AMERICAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, DRIVER’S LICENSE, ALLOWANCE FOR A PLACE TO LIVE, HEALTH CARE, EDUCATION, BILLIONS OF DOLLARS SPENT SO YOU CAN READ A DOCUMENT. WE CARRY PASSPORTS IN OTHER COUNTRIES OR FACE JAIL TIME. REPOST THIS IF YOU AGREE!! ((STOP COMMUNIST OBAMA)) THE COMMANDER

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