Hey Obama, the Jerk Store Called…They're Running Out of Jokes About Slurpees!


Forget the craptacular poll numbers, the horrifying (thought meant to be sympathetic) profile in the New York Times mag, the looming party loss in November. President Barack Obama has crossed the line dividing statesman and sad sack by constantly pushing a line that makes George Costanza's infamous "jerk store" comeback seem like the fabled "killer joke" of Monty Python.

As USA Today reports, the prez has hauled out his har-har-funny line about Slurpees at least "20 times in recent weeks":

And every once in a while [after working like mad to get the U.S. economy/car out of a ditch], we'd look up at the Republicans. They were -- they had driven into the ditch, but they had gotten out and they were kind of taking a break, fanning themselves and sipping on a Slurpee, watching us do all the work.

Over the weekend, Barack and Michelle Obama came to campaign in Columbus, Ohio, where the president boldly stuck it to the Party of Lincoln Slurpees by suggesting that Republicans don't just guzzle crushed-ice beverages but…lattes!

"Even though we didn't drive it into the ditch, it is still our responsibility to get that car out of the ditch, and so we pushed and we pushed. And every once in a while we'd look up. And up on the road, you'd see a Republican standing there, fanning themselves, sippin' on a Slurpee, having a latte," he said.

A Slurpee and a latte? Those goddamn sons of bitches! More on that here.

If that bit about the lattes sounds familiar, you're probably thinking of an incredibly shitty ad from years back that painted Howard Dean (remember him?) and Dems as latte-drinkin', Volvo-drivin', body-piercin' freakazoids:


To put a positive spin on this, I guess it's worth postulating that it's a better America when Slurpees and lattes are available in one form or another at every convenience store in the country (though as Joe Biden will tell you, the 7-Eleven stores in his home state are staffed exclusively by people with "slight Indian accents").

And I guess it's a better America where martinis are no longer the drink of choice of miscreants and malefactors everywhere. To recall those simpler days, check out this cover of Bob Dylan's "Hurricane" (the martini line comes in around 2.50):