Take Me to Your Leader—U.N. May Appoint an Ambassador to Extraterrestrials

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Aliens attack Congress -- whose side are you on?

The Telegraph is reporting that the United Nations may appoint Malayasian astrophyisicist Mazlan Othman as the Earth's ambassador to any space aliens who choose to make themselves officially known (as opposed to those aliens who randomly abduct people for creepy sexual experiments or mutilate cattle for fun). Othman is the head of the U.N.'s Office for Outer Space Affairs.

According to the Telegraph:

Aliens who landed on earth and asked: "Take me to your leader" would be directed to Mrs Othman.

She will set out the details of her proposed new role at a Royal Society conference in Buckinghamshire next week.

The 58-year-old is expected to tell delegates that the proposal has been prompted by the recent discovery of hundreds of planets orbiting other starts, which is thought to make the discovery of extraterrestrial life more probable than ever before.  …

Opinion is divided about how future extraterrestrial visitors should be greeted. Under the Outer Space Treaty on 1967, which Unoosa oversees, UN members agreed to protect Earth against contamination by alien species by "sterilising" them.

Mrs Othman is understood to support a more tolerant approach.

So I guess this means no concentration camps for indigent Prawns then. In any case, the world's oldest bureaucracy is way ahead of the U.N. on the extraterrestrial issue.

Via International Policy Network.

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  1. Aliens who landed on earth and asked: “Take me to your leader” would be directed to Mrs Othman.

    Somehow, I doubt that by “leader” they will mean “head of an obscure office of a powerless international repository for the in-laws of kleptocrats.”

    But, hey, what do I know?

    1. Somehow, I think I’d rather have her do the greeting than The Chosen One. Besides, if the UN knows how to do anything, it’s how to cater a party.

    2. Assuming they are monitoring our broadcasts, they will demand to be taken to see Morgan Freeman.

    3. When need to form a committee of alien greeters comprised of Duke Nukem, Gordon Freeman, and John-117.

  2. Not only that, but they’ve already come down to Earth decades ago and deactivated ICBMs.

  3. Somehow Bill Shatner is overlooked for this post.

  4. You mock, but this has got to be the coolest job assignment ever. There’s almost 100% certainty that you will never have to do anything and in case you do, you get to meet an alien.

    1. I was thinking that earlier. Seriously, you answer the best of the crank emails you get, and spend the other 23 hours per day doing nothing topical.

      Wait. I’m pretty sure if I changed that to ‘steal all you can pack in a diplomatic pouch and spend the other 23 hours per day doing nothing topical’, I’d be describing every other UN job.

      1. The crank emails would be the highlight of the job. Though I think after a month of reading them, you’d hate all of humanity.

        1. I already hate all of humanity. Is there a downside?

          1. You’d hate your job too.

    2. And imagine what you could do with your business card!

      Ambassador at Large for Galactic Affairs

    3. You mock, but this has got to be the coolest job assignment ever.

      I’m interviewing for jobs right now and I would LOVE to put this on my resume.

      “So, could you explain this? That sounds really interesting…”

  5. Attention server-squirrels:

    Why do I need to constantly shift-reload the H&R page for it to update?

  6. Robin Williams has been here for years, and they still haven’t opened relations with Ork.

  7. It’s obvious that whoever greets the aliens should be Space Porking when they do so…

  8. I think this is a hoax.

  9. Two possibilities:

    (a) The UN knows something we don’t about aliens, and wants to get in on the action.

    (b) Mrs. Othman threatened to expose some kind of UN scandal, and to keep her quiet, they gave her this sweet job whose duties involve coming in every morning, asking if anyone’s seen any aliens, and if not, picking up her paycheck and coming home early. If that doesn’t buy her silence on whatever the latest UN scandal will be, nothing will. And if aliens actually arrive, people will be too distracted to investigate the scandal.

    1. Yeah, you say that, but you know that if you did take that job, deep in your mind, there’d be this worrying little fear that one day, the ETs _will_ arrive, and then everybody’s going to look at you expectantly, and you’re just going to have to say, “Actually, I kind of spent the last five years doing nothing, since, y’know, we didn’t actually think… *shrug*”

      1. No, what she says in that situation is, “I *told* you we needed more funding!”

        1. Then work with sympathetic journalists to put out an expose on how tea-party conservatives, cutting the UN budget to the bone, slashed vital alien-preparedness funding.

  10. There is just as much proof for the existence of extraterrestrial life as there is for God. So to me it’s roughly the equivalent of the UN appointing an ambassador in case of the second coming of Jesus. Where’s the utter outrage over this?

    1. “Most video tapes from that era were damaged in 2443, during the second coming of Jesus.”

  11. the recent discovery of hundreds of planets orbiting other starts, which is thought to make the discovery of extraterrestrial life more probable than ever before.

    I’m sorry, but that’s an insanely stupid statement. I understand that science needs proof that planets exist in other star systems. But the assumption that they exist, and that there’s untold trillions of them, is accepted doctrine. The development of hard evidence to begin to back such a doctrine raises the probability level not one iota, since the accepted probability is based on the doctrine.

    Otherwise, this is like saying “well, we didn’t actually believe there were a trillion planets out there. But since we’ve found 50 that are verified, now there’s more probability of ETs.”

  12. Don’t put on the Slim Whitman until they at least take out Pelosi, Reid, and Boehner.

  13. A Malaysian? Ha! If you want to do business with Earth, you come to the United States. Don’t people read science fiction?

    1. Fry: What do we care? We live in the United States.

      Leela: The United States is part of the world.

      Fry: Wow! I have been gone a long time.

      1. Captain Kirk: American
        Spock: Half-American
        Dr. McCoy: American

        1. I wish we could pin Wesley on the Canadians, but we can’t.

          1. He was genetically Canadian.

            1. Have you two set the wedding date?

              1. You’re not invited.

              2. NTTAWWT

            2. Did you watch the premier of Shit My Dad Says? Kind of meh, but Shatner is actually playing the dad at the right level without chewing the scenery.

              1. Then what’s the point?

                1. Good point.

              2. Yeah, I’m gonna watch that show a couple more times and see if it gets any better. I think they tried to do too much in the pilot ep, but there’s potential.

        2. Captain Kirk: American
          Spock: Half-American
          Dr. McCoy: American

          Lt. Uhura: 100% hot Earth-booty babe.

          This is what the aliens will want when they show up, PL. This is what they’ve always wanted. Every 1950s “B” movie affirms this. The aliens want nothing more, and they will accept nothing less.

          1. Fair enough.

  14. I think it is hilarious that these government stooges think that any intelligent aliens that come to visit us would have a government, or understand what we call a “government”, or care about our government.

    The system we have set up for ourselves is a narrow, badly functioning, brutal system of social organization among the millions of ways societies can be organized. Yet we impose this moronic system among the theoretical aliens who would visit us, assuming they have the same system and that they are interested in our system. Why?

  15. This is embarrassing. Can we just get the hell out of the UN now?

    1. They can have the ambassador to the aliens when they can launch and assemble their own embassy in deep space. Until then, piss off!

    2. What do you mean? This is precisely the sort of thing the UN *should* be doing. Leave actual diplomacy to the diplomats of actual governments, and let the UN take care of keeping peace with ETs.

  16. Anyway, we don’t need a phony-baloney UN ambassador. When the aliens arrive, they will simply teleport all the relevant leaders into their flying saucer and persuade them to cooperate with whatever plans the aliens have for earth. If cooperation is not forthcoming, then just lock up the leaders and assume their identities (using clever disguises) until it is no longer considered necessary to keep humans in the dark about the unpleasant fate planned for them.

    Then, when the ugly truth (and uglier aliens) are revealed, ultimate fighting champion Don Frye goes to the South Pole to unfreeze Godzilla from suspended animation, just to show those aliens that even apparently primitive planets have some tricks up their sleeve by which to resist extraterrestrial marauders – in this case, giant radioactive lizards with atomic breath and a really protective attitude toward their home planet.

    And they said that all that nuclear testing in the Pacific would never do any good!

    (Source: Godzilla: Final Wars, Toho, 2004)

    1. Or we could have Jeff Goldblum try to hack into the flying saucer’s computer, in hopes that the Operating Systems are compatible, but I think we should definitely be putting our money on giant radioactive lizards.

      1. Wait, there isn;t an app for that?

          1. “destrying tkyo agn lol what can i say i gues im a traditionalist”

      1. Not if it contains the lame-ass Hollywood Godzilla and the non-canon heat-vision cartoon Godzilla.

  17. The Telegraph is reporting that the United Nations may appoint Malayasian astrophyisicist Mazlan Othman as the Earth’s ambassador to any space aliens who choose to make themselves officially known[.]

    Well, at least is more benign than trying to control people’s output through pseudo-scientific chickanery or promototing the sterilizing of whole populations.

  18. space aliens who choose to make themselves officially known (as opposed to those aliens who randomly abduct people for creepy sexual experiments or mutilate cattle for fun)

    Wait just a doggone minute. Isn’t the parenthetical stuff more or less how the European aliens officially made themselves known to the native Americans?

    1. No. We stole their land and any sexual experiments didn’t involve random abductions. We took just the hot ones and were not very subtle about it.

  19. I say we load the good ambassdor and all the senior officials of the UN into a rocket and shoot them off into space so they can get a head start on negotiating with any aliens that may be out there.

    1. +1.

  20. The Othman Empire Strikes Back?

    1. And speaking of aliens saying “Take me to your liter”…

      1. Water dissolves aliens like acid – haven’t you seen *Alien Nation*? That “charitable gesture” could provoke an interplanetary war.

  21. This really is a misguided idea. There should be UN ambassadors to the chimps and dolphins first.

    1. Hmm, Bottlenose bruises. Blowhole burns. Flipper prints. This looks like the work of rowdy teens.

  22. Opinion is divided about how future extraterrestrial visitors should be greeted. Under the Outer Space Treaty on 1967, which Unoosa oversees, UN members agreed to protect Earth against contamination by alien species by “sterilising” them.

    This is classic verb confusion. Can we get a ruling on this please?

    1. That’s not a “steriliser.” … Now, THAT’s a STERILISER!

      I believe my Earthling sense of humor is improving.

  23. “& pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in Space, cuz there’s bugger-all down here on Earth”…

    aw well, ‘least this article reminded me of this old classic
    seems about right…

  24. Re the alt-text:

    I’ll go with the aliens.

    1. It says “alians.” What, pray tell, are alians?

      1. Dyslexics from Outer Space.

      2. The neuter gender be It-alians. Like “It-girls,” only, having transcended sexual reproduction, parthenogenic.

      3. There is an “I” in Alian Vanneman…

  25. A un committee to greet teh aliens, fantastic! Nothing could wrong there… Luckily we’ll be long since extinct before anybody out there knows we even existed… I’m sure they’ll be impressed that we set up a committee though.

    Those idiots at the un need to start breathing something other than their own farts fer fucksakes

  26. A un committee to greet teh aliens, fantastic! Nothing could wrong there… Luckily we’ll be long since extinct before anybody out there knows we even existed… I’m sure they’ll be impressed that we set up a committee though.

    Those idiots at the un need to start breathing something other than their own farts fer fucksakes

    1. “It sounds really cool but I have to deny it” != fiction.

      Rather, clearly a cover-up, since it depends on what the meaning of the word “it” is.

  27. Mazlan Othman, M. Othman, Mothman.

  28. Great, another group of illegals gets government representation.

    Fuck dat, dat, dat.

  29. “It’s a cookbook!!!”

  30. A little Anthropocentric aren’t they. The aliens will probably come here to talk to the dolphins. Othman might make a nice snack though.

    1. Or the mice.

  31. I read an article many years ago that stated the best thing to do if aliens land on the White House lawn is to cook them and eat them.

    Here on Earth if a tech-superior society meets a tech-inferior society, the inferior culture is gone in a few decades. The exceptions generally are cannibals and that is enough to drive away intruders (at least for a while.)

    … Hobbit

    1. I would think that would result a bit differently with aliens. Assuming they managed to travel here, they’re easily capable of wiping us out from orbit. I also doubt they would place large amounts of moral weight on humans, particularly after we killed their diplomatic party. No need to worry about carnivorous natives when they’re all dead.

  32. Opinion is divided about how future extraterrestrial visitors should be greeted. Under the Outer Space Treaty on 1967, which Unoosa oversees, UN members agreed to protect Earth against contamination by alien species by “sterilising” them.

    That from the Telegraph? Do they do April Fools in late September? If a race has the capability of interstellar travel, they sterilize you and not the other way around. They would likely be too advanced to recognize what a government or an ambassador is, and would have to find examples of such primitive behavior in their paleo-history to relate.

  33. Pro Libertate: “Spock: Half-American”

    James Carville: Ditto

  34. So, the UN is preparing for diplomatic relationships with space aliens, but they still won’t establish diplomatic ties with Kosovo. The UN is pathetic. I think having a representative at the Miss Universe contest is a better predictor of a country’s long term prospects than having a representative at the UN is.

  35. Aliens will not be landing here until Zefram Cochrane invents the warp drive.

  36. Aliens are NAZIs, we’ve communicated with them. Only the blonde haired/blue eyed will survive first contact with them.

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