Television

Hawaii BMI: A Look Back

|

Which cast could fit on the Big Island?

My town is plastered with billboards advertising the Tiffany Network's upcoming crime series Hawaii Five-0, a remake of the legendary Leonard Freeman policier Hawaii Five-O, which ran on CBS from the 1960s to the 1980s.

I have not seen this new show. I'm a mid-to-upper-range Hawaii Five-O fanatic but take a catholic view of "reboots" and "reimaginings"—though in this case I would have cast Angela Bassett as the new McGarrett.

What strikes me is that this new cast seems to be following a diet completely free of poi and kalua pig. In the last 40 years, plasma-screen television and carb-reduction have reversed the evolution described in Sunset Boulevard: The picture is much bigger; it's the actors who got small.

Old and new comparisons:

McGarretts

 

You can't out-awesome McGarrett. You've just gotta try another way.

Dannos

 

At least James MacArthur went to an actual beach to get his beach picture done.

Chin-Ho Kellys

 

Can you guess which of these two was a real police officer?

Konos

I'd rather be punched by this woman than kissed by this man.

I wish I could make more direct comparisons, but Kam Fong and Gilbert Francis Lani Damian Kauhi "Zulu" were two men so large they could rarely be captured full-body in a single frame of film.

Big men in suits.

But the results are clear: In terms of horizontal displacement, only New Danno may have a slight edge on his predecessor, and most of that is muscle weight. (Swoon!)

Is this just more thin dreaming by a nation that, according to the Centers for Disease Control [pdf], grew one inch taller and nearly 25 pounds heavier between the 1960s and the 2000s?

Possibly. But the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index awards the Aloha State first place in its well-being state rankings [pdf], with astonishingly high marks in physical health and healthy behavior. (Somebody explain again why New Frikking Hampshire was picked for the Free State Project?)

Or maybe this is a step up from the fat-Hawaiian and rolly-polly-Chinese stereotypes used in a series that featured such Asian and Pacific Island greats as wily Japanese Ricardo Montalban and Mongol mastermind Kenneth "Khigh Alx Dhiegh" Dickerson. All else equal, younger and hotter is always a trade up. (In total fairness, on an episode-by-episode basis original Five-O was probably the most multicultural non-sports programming of its time, and it remains watchable in part because it often takes an interest in the look and feel of Hawaii—where it was always "filmed entirely on location.")

And even if you posited the bogus connection between entertainment options and public health, would this vestigial spasm from network television even matter? Five-0 may promote unrealistic body types, but Too Fat For 15 will bring it all back home. Be here, Aloha.

Advertisement

NEXT: When Criminal Defendants Face Conservative Judges

Editor's Note: We invite comments and request that they be civil and on-topic. We do not moderate or assume any responsibility for comments, which are owned by the readers who post them. Comments do not represent the views of Reason.com or Reason Foundation. We reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason at any time. Report abuses.

  1. OMG, a BMI post. This is a dream come true for me. Book ’em, Timmo!

  2. Partial Bulemia! It’s the new trend these days in all forms, Films, TV and music.

    I look at some of these skinny hipsters today wearing pants that broadcast their personal opinions about circumcision and the total amount of change in their pockets. This is information I don’t need.

    Give me a John Bonham with a Jack Daniels gut and a Kam Fong with a pork addiction and you’ll see what men are supposed to look like.

    I saw a dude last night in dem skinny jeans and a blouse-A FARKING BLOUSE- as a fashion statement.

    Youth is wasted on the young.

    1. Take solace in the fact that you’re not the only one who noticed that a man wearing a blouse is a tool.

      1. Kramer: This pirate trend that she’s come up with, Jerry–this is gonna be the new look for the 90’s. You’re gonna be the first pirate!

        Jerry: But I don’t wanna be a pirate!

    2. That’s right, shake your fist at the youth and shout how much better things were back in your day. 😉

      1. Nah, I’m not fist shaking, just shaking my head. I harbor no illusions about the supremacy of my generation (X). We wore flannel ironically but at least we didn’t look like chicks, man.

        You wear tight fitting jeans and a blouse and you look like a chick, is all I’m saying.

    3. Watch this, relax for a few minutes, then return to shaking your fist.

      1. Thanks, db! Zappa-esque.

        ** shakes fist **

    4. I would hit it, skinny asian chicks are awesome!

  3. The new McGarrett’s hair is a goddamn travesty.

    (Somebody explain again why New Frikking Hampshire was picked for the Free State Project?)

    Two libertarians work at the Longhorn Steakhouse in Manchester. That’s almost half the world’s libertarians in one spot. Gotta leverage that.

  4. Oh Tim, you sound so old. Besides being possibly the best Felix Leiter, Jack Lord was one stiff cop. He was Kojak without the ridiculous lines, lollipop, fatass brother, and New York, though he did have Kono.

    1. Ever since I realized Jack Lord was in this (safe for work), I’ve never thought of him the same way.

  5. The only difference i see is the sexualization of Konos and Chin-Ho

    In the old version they look like blobs now they are hot.

    Personally i think the increased fuckabilty of minorities in pop-culture media is a sign of the advancement of western civilization.

    1. Perhaps, but it has, is and always will be dominated by Asian chicks.

      1. And there isn’t a damn thing wrong with that.

      2. You say it as if there’s something wrong with that.

        1. Oh, No, No, No.

          Asian chicks, preferable Japanese ones in schoolgirl outfits, are heavenly.

          1. I think I like Korean Women better.

            For some fucked up reason I watched all the episodes of “Personal Taste” on hulu recently.

            http://www.hulu.com/personal-taste

            Anyway I discovered Korean women are the hottest of all the Asian women.

            1. The craziest woman I ever “dated” was Korean. She was 110% bat-shit, monkeynuts insane.

              Needless to say, the sex was beyond amazing. I miss college.

    2. More importantly, the fuckability to women. Sure, they made a dude into a dudette for the fellas, but goddamn I’ll watch anything with Daniel Dae Kim in it. I think I’d vaguely heard of the show, but I’m queued up to watch the hell out of this shit.

      Korean men are the hottest of all men.

      1. Korean men are the hottest of all men.

        Watch “Personal Taste”

        http://www.hulu.com/personal-taste

        You might change your mind. But who knows maybe you like dandy macho assholes who push you around.

        In other news here is an awesome Thai girl kicking the shit out of grabby white boy tourist.

        http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/81093287/

  6. Biggest waste of side-boob on a Reason thread ever.

    1. Yah, couldn’t they get lobster girl to play Kono?

      1. Yah, couldn’t they get lobster girl to play Kono?

        Lobster Girl is Colombian. Her accent would be a problem plus i think native Hawaiian women tend to be on the smaller side in the boobs department.

        1. Have fake titties not made it off the mainland yet?

          1. If you have seen an episode of “Burn Notice” you may think that they haven’t even made it to Miami.

            Maybe small boobs are a thing with Magnum PI style detective shows?

        2. Joshua,
          You think native Hawaiian women tend to be on the smaller side in the boob department? Seriously? You want to do some research, decide what you mean by “native Hawaiian”, and get back to us?

          1. My research consists of watching the Mel Gibson movie “The Bounty”.

            1. 1) that was Tahiti, and 2) it wasn’t accurate.

              Native Polynesians, in almost almost any part of the territory they lived in tend to the chubby (and that’s being kind).

        3. plus i think native Hawaiian women tend to be on the smaller side in the boobs department.

          You are thinking of “local girls living in Hawaii with a lot of Asian ancestry”.

          Women with a lot of Hawaiian ancestry tend to be big girls with lots o’ tits.

  7. i can’t picture the new kono bustin heads like the old kono. danno was always kind of a wimp never measuring up to mcgarrett’s expectations. so the new danno may work as he is about 5 foot tall. as far as the new macgarrett there is no way he is going to command respect from hpd, the us navy, the cia and every other agency the old mcgarrett seemed to control. maybe the best comparison will be chin ho as the old chin didn’t seem to be a very good actor anyway. right brudda?

  8. Two words:

    Un.

    Watchable.

    1. I give it 1, maybe 2 seasons. Tops.

      1. If only they had made it CSI: Honolulu. That’s a winner.

        1. I can’t wait to hear how much the opening credits music sucks.

          5-0. One of the best openings ever, not counting Jonny Quest.

          1. Jonny Quest was great in all ways.

            70s TV shows had a tendency to have pretty good opening themes. Rockford, for instance.

            1. Streethawk had the greatest intro ever though.

            2. Yep — Ironsides, Sanford & Son; Kojak…

            3. Sanford and Son, Good Times, Barney Miller, Baretta, Night Stalker, and yup, Rockford Files.

            4. No spam — it’s not my site — but there’s a great site called TelevisionTunes.com that has them all. A serious time-waster and great reference.

              1. Theme from S.W.A.T.

                Done.

  9. Grace Park is stunning. Hater.

    Aloha.

  10. Tim, that’s a lot of words to say “New hotness…old and busted.”

    Somebody needs to tell Grace Park to eat a fucking bearclaw already.

    1. Well, I never called it a “bearclaw” before, but she’s welcome to give it a try on Ol’ Mr. Happy! Hell, I’ll even return the favor! That Cylon is one hot babe.

      1. DirtyOldMan, meet Grumpier Old Men…

        Mama Ragetti: We could have retired in Hawaii.
        Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii.
        Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island?
        Grandpa Gustafson: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya.

  11. (Somebody explain again why New Frikking Hampshire was picked for the Free State Project?)

    Excessive belief in the state motto? Ignorance as to the migration patterns of Massholes? Too many drugs in the voters’ systems?

  12. If you stare at the photo from the new show long enough, you’ll notice that there are 3 dudes in the picture. Wild.

  13. Don’t think I’ll be able to watch this show – The Suit is as necessary to making Five Oh as The Jacket is to Reason.

    Now why didn’t they think to cast Morris Day as the new McGarrett? That dude knows how to wear a suit….

  14. Why are those cops ogling that eleven-yr-old girl in that top pic?

    1. Seriously. Skeletal, flat-chested broads are not hot.

      1. Cute asian chicks are cute.

        1. They are. And when there’s a picture of one in this thread I’ll acknowledge it.

          1. Here’s about 5 million of them (a few NSFW). Seriously, never heard of google?

            google results — beautiful asian women

            1. Shit man, my comment was based on the two shitty pics in this thread. I love hot Asian girls. I was disappointed in the pictures here.

              1. OK, fair enough.

          1. Damn. I was agreeing that Grace Park is hot, but it looks like I am agreeing with Ska. Grace Park is all that and then some.

            1. OK, I googled Grace Park. She does look pretty hot. Reason, use better pictures next time dammit!

              1. I think the pictures are what she looks like now. Some googling finds recent pictures of her on pro-anorexia sites.

  15. I thought that 5-0 was a bit dry and crusty back in the 70s until I re-watched it, at the suggestion of a friend. Quelling prison riots over the scourge of homosexuality! Full police mobilization to fight island hippies! Drug dealers forcing people to take pills at gun point (accompanied by psychedelic ukulele music)! Awesome!

  16. Isn’t that new McGarrett guy the same one who played a vampire private investigator on some show a while back?

      1. No, he was a PI who was a vampire. I think it was called Moonlight. It was pretty dumb.

        1. It sounds like justification for skynet initiating judgement day.

          1. Most TV is justification for that.

          2. I’m not sure we should be joking about that, especially here in cyberspace.

            1. Sarah Connor Chronicles got canceled, so you have nothing to fear from John Henry.

              1. I was watching the Rifftrax version of the movie 300, and it turns out that TV’s Sarah Connor plays the queen. True story.

                1. She’s also going to play Cersei Lannister in the HBO miniseries based on Game of Thrones. I would have figured her more for Catelyn, but hey.

        2. You’re talking about “Forever Knight”.

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forever_Knight

          At least it wasn’t as bad and unrealistic as the show about the saxophone player who was also a high-tech superhero.

      2. No he was a PI who was a vampire.

        I can’t remember the name of the show.

        It didn’t last long.

        Besides, there are so may vampire shows/movies around now, it’s hard to keep track of them all.

          1. Night Man is the sax player Dave mentioned.

  17. If Wo-Fat is tall, skinny, and good looking with a head of hair I’m gonna chuck the remote. Don’t fuck with Wo-Fat.

  18. Traci Lordes choose her porn name because of Jack Lord.

    There is no greater tribute.

  19. I was really hoping there would be a discussion on the accuracy of the body mass index as a measure of a person’s fatfuckedness, but nothing. Biggest disappointment in history. Like, well over a 30 in bigness.

  20. Somebody explain again why New Frikking Hampshire was picked for the Free State Project?

    Because Hawaii is the most statist state, the one that went 3-1 for Obama and has a legislature that is 90% Democrats, and so it would take a buttload of libertarians to turn this place around?

    Just guessin’ …

    1. That explains not picking Hawaii, but not why New Frikking Hampshire was picked.

  21. I’m a mid-to-upper-range Hawaii Five-O fanatic

    Admitting your sickness is the first step in the recovery process.

  22. Or maybe this is a step up from the fat-Hawaiian and rolly-polly-Chinese stereotypes used in a series that featured such Asian and Pacific Island greats as wily Japanese Ricardo Montalban and Mongol mastermind Kenneth “Khigh Alx Dhiegh” Dickerson. All else equal, younger and hotter is always a trade up.

    Step into any shopping center in Hawaii and you’ll see multitudes of some of the hottest women on the planet. Step onto a beach and you’ll see them not wearing much in the way of clothes, year round.

  23. I’m trying to think of any straight friends of mine who would watch this…

    Nope, not one.

  24. When are they gonna come out with a show based on Internal Affairs cops bringing down corrupt precincts and rogue killer-cops while living like playboys?

    It could be based in LA to cut production costs, but I’d probably go to San Fran, NYC or even DC so you could bust crooked feds as well. You can’t tell me people wouldn’t love a show that lets cops be the good guys and the bad guys at the same time. I don’t know what you’d call it, but I’m sure Reason could help out with a name.

    1. Scratch the IA angle. Make the guy a billionaire who’s wife got killed by a dirty cop in some drug deal. He uses his wealth to destroy dirty cops by whatever means he can come up with and anonymously gets the stories to the press (proof, video, the whole deal). Now you’ve got a press angle as well with cops shaking down reporters and shit.

      Also, this allows the storylines to change locations geographically so he can get into interstate and international shit.

  25. If this show gets Grace Park back on the teevee, it’s got one thing going for it.

  26. I saw an Anthony Bourdain episode (I think) which summed up the Hawaiian diet–salt and fat. It’s true, we love our spam and plate lunch. How we got rated so high on health is a wonder.

    I’m a little distressed at the young-sh hotness of the new McGarrett. He was always craggy and painfully earnest–his attempts at humour were always a bit embarrassing. But who to cast as they’ve already re-done that character with David Caruso on CSI Miami!

    1. Hawaii got rated so high because of the high percentage of military.

      1. Hawaii got rated so high because there’s a lot of Asians here eating relatively healthy diets.

        That, and the trade winds blow the air pollution offshore, resulting in the cleanest big city air in the nation.

    2. I saw an Anthony Bourdain episode (I think) which summed up the Hawaiian diet–salt and fat. It’s true, we love our spam and plate lunch. How we got rated so high on health is a wonder.

      BECAUSE FAT IS FUCKING GOOD FOR YOU.

  27. You should look back farther, to Hawaiian Eye.

  28. New Frikking Hampshire was selected for the Free State Movement because it is the greatest state in the Union.

  29. >Somebody explain again why New Frikking Hampshire was picked for the Free State Project?

    Ironically, NH was recently ranked #1 in child well being, as you can see on the FSP home page:
    http://freestateproject.org
    and it comes out on or near the top in many other rankings:
    http://freestateproject.org/nhinfo#accolades

    During the FSP’s laborious state selection process a long list of criteria were considered, but the most significant would be:
    -Population (smaller is easier to influence)
    -Existing liberty culture
    -Border and seacoast
    -Highest representation rate in the world (contrast its 424 legislators with California’s 120)
    -Low unemployment, easy access to jobs in Massachusetts

    I’ve just spent the past few days lit-dropping for various pro-liberty candidates in NH, and I’ve spoken with a lot of people. There is an unusually high awareness of politics. The FSP is already making itself felt.

  30. Original show sucked; Jack Lord was a 3rd rate actor, and a typical liberal hypocrite; the new show will suck.

  31. The good health in Hawaii may be due to the large ethnic Japanese population. Keep in mind that Japan also a reputation for good health and long life expectancy.*

    * excepting males born during the first few decades of the 20th century.

    1. And anyone who happened to live in two particular metro areas for a few August days in 1945.

      On a side note, for a few moments they were also the tannest Asians ever. Then, not so much.

  32. You understand that, but for a simple twist of fate, Jack Lord would have been Captain Kirk of the Enterprise and who knows who would have led Five-O, or even if the series would have seen the green light at all (perhaps with Shatner in the McGarrett role???). Man, I wish I could get a TV channel on my cable from that alternative universe…

    1. I’d love to get that channel, but what would you do when they’re showing The Godfather with Olivier as Don Vito and Robert Redford as Michael? (Though I would like to see the version of Dirty Harry with the Duke.)

  33. Is Grace Park making a career out of gender reversing roles from “re-imagined” classic TV series?

    First Boomer and now Kono.

  34. What’s next Magnum P.I. remake?

  35. So, the obesity epidemic is worse today but TV stars were fatter in the past….damn, it’s like the anomaly in the series finale for ST:TNG.

  36. Who’s the villain going to be – Hi Fat?

  37. The original actually did a good job of hiring locals – many who had never acted before.

    I wonder about the new one- I bet a whole lot of LA types will parade through.

    I don’t like the younger , sexier versions- it ruined The Nightstalker, it ruined the new Superman (Returns)

    If I want to see young and sexy- I’ll just download porn- the writing is usually better anyway.

  38. I hate it when they remake old series or movies and play women in what were male parts. (I’d also hate it if they did the reverse and played men in what were female parts, but that never happens)

  39. Or maybe this is a step up from the fat-Hawaiian and rolly-polly-Chinese stereotypes used in a series that featured such Asian and Pacific Island greats as wily Japanese Ricardo Montalban and Mongol mastermind Kenneth “Khigh Alx Dhiegh” Dickerson.

    And don’t forget John Wayne as Genghis Khan.

  40. That “Knonos” chick looks like she was just released from a concentration camp. I thought curves were making a comeback?

Please to post comments

Comments are closed.