Zombie Cash


Minneapolis settles a lawsuit from alleged WMD-toting zombies:

Seven zombies accused of carrying weapons of mass destruction will be staggering to the bank shortly with a bundle of cash, courtesy of a legal settlement with the City of Minneapolis.

The seven were arrested in 2006 during Aquatennial while dressed for a "Night of the Living Dead." They were stiff-legging it down Nicollet Mall to protest mindless consumerism when some unhappy soul called 911.

The cops busted the seven for disorderly conduct and said the zombies' homemade public address rig looked like a weapon of mass destruction. The zombies spent some brief, scary time in jail, where the cops confiscated one protester's very real prosthetic leg.

They've settled for $165,000.

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  1. They took the money and ran (or if you’re a purist, took the money and lurched). If I was one of that undead crew, part of the settlement would have been that the city and police admitted they were wrong.

    1. Slow and shambolic.

    2. there is nothing I hate with more vigor than fast zombies. fast zombies are a mockery of what it means to be undead. zombies are supposed to be able to catch you, that isn’t why they are scary. the fear should come from being outnumbered and the inevitability of your demise.

      you can destroy the brain to kill the zombie. you can even smash in 10 zombies, but 100, 1000? eventually you will have to run and they will shamble forth and catch up. if the zombie can just run you down and eat you, where’s the dread, where’s the brain-bashing fun of it?

      fast zombies are premature ejaculation.

      1. Premature ejaculation is the most effective form of birth control known to man.

        1. Premature ejaculation =/= Cumming on her leg.

          Well, maybe for you it does.

          1. Are you not familiar with the pleasure of being cummed inside?

      2. awww,KEE-RIST Reason! Is it that hard to stay on topic!?

  2. They were stiff-legging it down Nicollet Mall to protest mindless consumerism when some unhappy soul called 911.

    I am now less on their side.

    1. Did you expect anything better of zombies?

      1. Yes. I have high standards for the undead. I guess you just don’t care about their future like I do.

      2. I do have to admit that when observing the people filing in and out of any of the seven Starbucks locations I pass every morning on my way to work, I often picture them as zombies. Of course, I have no intention of protesting their consumer choices even if I think Dunkin Donuts coffee is both better and cheaper.

        1. Do you just think its cheaper or is it actually cheaper?

          1. You know I actually almost edited that sentence before hitting “submit” but figured nobody would call me out on that one. I really should know better by now.

            1. There isnt an easy rewording that isnt clumsy.

              1. How about:

                “even if I think Dunkin Donuts coffee is both better and cheaper.”

        2. At some point nearly 10 years ago Dunkin’s coffee went downhill. They used to have an honest to zod good cup of coffee. Nowadays it’s too bland for my liking.

        3. I too view them as zombies, but instead of fighting off sentiments of opposition to protesting their choice I choose to imagine their heads in cross hairs. Exploding.

          1. I get my coffee from the pot. It’s cheaper, better, made like I want it, and makes me feel more useful and capable.

    2. Mindless consumerism is for the weak and zombie-like. I don’t mind protesting mindless consumerism, but I assume these people are pretty anti-capitalist as well.

    3. In the local paper’s write up of the incident, the suspicious material consisted of “four bags of sound equipment to amplify music from an iPod.”

      Why am I not surprised that anti-consumerism activists are Apple fanboys?

  3. I have an idea that would curb bullshit arrests. The city or state should deduct settlement money from the police budget.

    1. At the very least. Otherwise, this is just another case of the taxpayers getting it in the ass while the actual culprits continue merrily along.

      1. “”taxpayers getting it in the ass while the actual culprits continue merrily along.””

        In general, taxpayers don’t have a problem with it. Else they would do something about it.

        1. But the do have a problem with it. Their course of action is to bitch about it on message boards and in coffee shops. Ooh, and fervently listen to talk radio. Maybe it was the wrong something, but they did in fact “do something about it.”

          1. Doing something about it requires more than just bitching. Doing something about it require an action that resolves the issue, or works toward resolving the issue. Otherwise, the something is really nothing.

            Talk is cheap.

    2. In this scenario, Detroit PD ceases to exist in short order.

  4. taxpayers getting it in the ass

    Shit for brains?

  5. Look on the bright side. The SWAT team didn’t shoot them. Or their dogs.

    1. Look on the bright side. The SWAT team didn’t shoot them.

      Isn’t protecting us from a zombie apocalypse a legitimate use of police power?

      1. “”Isn’t protecting us from a zombie apocalypse a legitimate use of police power?””

        The cops thought a they had WMD. Zombies eat brains, so those cops have nothing to fear.

        1. It’s part of the government’s plan to get rid of the smart people. Zombies attacking DC would starve.

        2. It’s zombie trivia time!

          Zombies don’t really eat brains*. Ever try to bite through a human skull? How about doing it when you’re deep in the putrefaction process?

          Ain’t gonna happen.

          Besides, zombies propagate through eating. Many meals wind up as companions. Eating someone’s brain precludes that.

          *Brain-eating zombies are a product of the Romero Russo split. They come from Return of the Living Dead. The catchphrase stuck because RotLD zombies were far more personable than Romeros shambling appetites

          1. Personable zombies are even worse than fast ones.

          2. Everyone agrees that Zombies are driven by a hunger for human flesh, and it is understood that there are problems with the “Zombie bites through head” lore. However there is strong evidence to suggest that “brain eating” is not strictly an urban legend but is based in fact.

            From the few studies that were performed on newly infected Zombies, there is strong evidence that the “Zombie virus” attacks the brain first, more specifically the pituitary glad. One theory is that “brain eaters” do so to replace those missing hormones. More support for this was found in the only study that was base on the Zombie diet. Zombies who were fed a diet of strictly meat were shown to have a much shorter life span than those who also ate brains. One study found a life span of a few days for the first group, with the second group thriving throughout the entire 5 weeks the study went on, before contact with the scientists was lost.

            Further more, corpses from the earliest outbreaks tend to show an abnormally high level of head trauma, trauma you would expect to see if someone intentionally slammed a persons head onto a rock to break it open. This behavior has also been seen in Monkeys when they smash mollusks into rocks to open them. Meaning that the trauma found could easily be from a learned behavior that doesn’t necessarily need the Zombies brains to be operating at full potential. This need is even seen in outbreaks that seem to follow the “companion Zombie” model. The brain cavity of corpses that suffered non-induced head injuries, such as car crashes, falls from high places and the brain trauma section of hospitals, tend to be picked clean with the rest of their bodies remaining fairly intact. They do suffer from bite marks and predation, but the vast majority of the supporting tissue remains intact.

            “Companion Zombie” outbreaks also tend to follow one of two paths, the flash outbreak, where a population is infected and “burns” itself out within a week due to the lack of fresh infecties, these also tend to show a lack of a learned “smashed mollusk” technique and show a lack of long term infecties. These outbreaks fit in perfectly with the results we would expect to see based on the study mentioned above.

            The second is a more prolonged outbreak that shows evidence of intention application of “smashed mollusk” initially but towards the end takes on the characteristics of a strictly “companion” outbreak, little to no intentional application of head trauma. The leading theory for this is that not all Zombies are capable of learning the “mollusk technique” technique. These Zombie are driven strictly by hunger for human flesh and thus produce a higher number of “companion” Zombies. This causes the Zombie population to reach a critical mass where they outnumber the living and prey becomes harder to find. This makes it harder for the “mollusk” Zombies to be selective in their consumption, the hunger becomes too great. As their diet changes they lose what little brain functions are needed for the “mollusk technique”. Once that happens, though they still live longer, accounting for Zombies being found weeks after the last living peson was consumed, they no longer specifically target the brain.

      2. No. There are more than enough militia based Zombie response teams. Especially considering most zombiepocolypse scenarios originate with government mistakes.

  6. I read the article and couldn’t figure out if it was US$165k each or for the whole group combined. If it’s for the whole group combined, then that’s probably less than $20k each – kind of a pittance.

    1. Don’t forget the laywer’s cut of the $165K.

    2. Yeah, but you’re thinking in human terms. Zombies don’t need shelter or clothes, and until restaurants start serving brains they won’t waste their money on eating out either. So $20k for a zombie can go a long way.

    3. Yeah but it is nice to see somebody went to the Mall and came home with more money than when they left home.

      1. Great, now all the homeless will have “Will be arrested for settlement money” signs.

  7. Remember when Weapons of Mass Destruction meant something?

    1. Ja!

  8. Wow, now that is cool!


  9. The city or state should deduct settlement money from the police budget.

    Does your heartlessness and hate of children know no bounds? That would undoubtedly be a violation of the collective bargaining agreement.

  10. “They were stiff-legging it down Nicollet Mall to protest mindless consumerism when some unhappy soul called 911.”

    “They’ve settled for $165,000.”

    I wonder if they plan to mindlessly consume some now that they’ve got all that cash.

  11. Zombie Johnny Cash almost makes up for no Zombie Johnny Cash alt-text.

    1. Balko needs to attend the Timmeh seminar on proper alt-text.

    2. A really good steak doesn’t need sauce. A really good beer doesn’t need a vortex bottle. Perhaps a really good pic doesn’t need alt-text.

    3. A picture is worth a thousand words.

  12. “”That would undoubtedly be a violation of the collective bargaining agreement.”””

    I don’t know if collective bargaining is part of the consideration by legislature when the budget is passed. Maybe with respects to payroll. But it would take away their toy money. Besides, I think the unions could be forced to accept the term if the debate was properly framed and rehashed in the media. Cops should be responsible for cops, the taxpayer is tired of footing the bill for rouge cops that don’t want to follow the law. The union should protect honest cops, not law breakers with a badge. There is no accountability when someone else foots the bill. The days of taxpayer being penalized for bad police behavior is over. The police department should be held accountable for the actions of it’s members, not the citizens wronged by their actions.

    I know, it’s a pipe dream on my part.

    1. Here in the Twin Cities the Transit Workers Union just rejected a new contract that would freeze wages and raise their healthcare costs. 90% voted against it. The response of the taxpayers has basically been — fire these fuckers and hire non-union drivers, mechanics and office workers. I hope that’s what happens. If a city spends billions on public transportation all the while incenting people to use it, a bunch of union fucks shouldn’t be able to hold the system hostage.

      In 2004 they struck for six weeks. What raise the did get din’t even cover their lost wages during the strike. These are some dumbass, mathmatically-challenged, selfish motherfuckers.

  13. the cops confiscated one protester’s very real prosthetic leg

    Comedy. Gold.

    1. That’s civil forfeiture, bitch.

    2. The question is how “real” was the prosthetic leg. If the Zombie had ripped it off of a living person on their way to the protest then I believe it would be a proper application of law enforcement. I can’t think of anything that property laws should apply to more than things are naturally attached to a persons body.

    3. Do you think the guy was getting gnawed on by a zombie pack when they realized how awesome he was, so they stopped eating him?

      Then they told other zombies that “you just don’t eat a victim like that all at one time”?

  14. Zombie cash is only valid at the zombie fair.

  15. The cops busted the seven for disorderly conduct and said the zombies’ homemade public address rig looked like a weapon of mass destruction.

    Medals all around.

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