Sex

Let's Hope He Doesn't See the Spotted Dick

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Cullman, Alabama:

A local pastor's complaint about a brand of underwear being sold with "pornographic" pictures on the packaging at the Cullman Walmart reportedly led to a recall of the product.

Frank Boren, pastor of New Hope Christian Center Church of God in the Springhill community, said he noticed the questionable underwear package while shopping at the store in May.

"I was in there shopping for some underwear one day, and looked at the men's pictures on the packaging," he said. "On a few of the packages they were very pornographic in the way they were dressed, in skimpy underwear, so I went to the manager and asked her if she thought it was inappropriate to be displayed."

After filing a few more complaints in the following weeks, Boren said the questionable packaging eventually disappeared from the store's shelves.

Full story here.

Thanks to Thomas Pearson for the link.

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  1. Notice how its always these prude types who are the ones staring at the half naked men, etc. It really is beyond parody.

    1. You’re right… and what the story doesn’t say is that he was only shopping at Walmart because Universal Gear didn’t carry his size.

    2. Frank Boren = Frank Boner

  2. That word you keep using, “pornographic.” I don’t think it means what you think it means.

    1. inconceivable! I KNOW pornography when I SEE it!

  3. So basically, he got aroused looking at the pictures, and decided the temptation had to be removed.

  4. It would have been even funnier had he complained about half naked WOMEN on the package.

    But in any event, I’m sure underwear will now be sold only in plain brown wrappers.

    1. I got enough brown on mah drawers, son, that’s why I went to Wal-Mart for some new ‘uns.

      1. Don’t you dare impersonate me you troll!

        1. I’ll impersonate my troll right in your mouth, son. Just you wait right there while I take off mah drawers.

    2. No, TOK, it’s much funnier this way because of the implied homoerotic reaction he experienced. Unintentional self-parodies by The Righteous(tm) never get tired.

  5. I have a cousin that lives in Cullman, and my mother lives less than an hour from there. It really is like going back 60 years.

    1. I visited a monastery there back during my Catholic phase. Also, Mother Angelica’s nunnery is nearby.

      So it’s possible Boren is just trying to one-up the Papists.

      1. That is fucking awesome. If I were in the market for a stank-ass secondhand trailer home, I would definitely buy from him.

        1. Don’t feel bad — it doesn’t hurt his feelings that you haven’t bought a trailer home from him.

  6. Joke about “package”.

    1. I wonder what his rational was.

      1. News reports. The 12 page law was too long for the Clinton appointed judge to digest right away.

  7. This is funny. But it doesn’t involve the government telling people what they should see. And I don’t live there or shop at this store. So I really can’t see why anyone should care. If they guy has a complaint, let him make it. If the store thinks it is valid, let them change their advertising.

    1. I guess it’s the theme – i.e., one or two people thinking something is objectionable, at least to their delicate little sensibilities, and therefore demanding it be banned, for the safety and welfare of all.

      The article doesn’t make clear what was “pornographic” about the underwear package. I mean, was the model’s unit hanging out, or what? Too much of a pronounced bulge?

      1. I don’t share the guy’s sensibilities. But at the same time, if he was offended by it, he had a right to complain about it. He didn’t have a right to a remedy. And he didn’t have a right to use the force of law to get his way. But he had a right to complain. Since I like having the same right and would like to think that somewhere sometime my complaints will actually do some good, I can’t really begrudge the fact that his complaint obtained a remedy, even though I wouldn’t want that remedy myself.

      2. Too much of a pronounced bulge?

        Not enough of a bulge. All I could think of was that damn “pregnant man.” Couldn’t stop shaking!

      3. and therefore demanding it be banned, for the safety and welfare of all.

        I used to think this was why busybodies exist, but I recently have begun to doubt my original reasons. They don’t want it banned for the safety and welfare of all. They want it banned so they don’t have to see it anymore. They couldn’t give two shits about anyone else. It really just comes down to pure, unadulterated selfishness. They don’t like it, so they think they shouldn’t have to be forced to ever see it.

        1. I sure hope REASON bans your offensive post…for the safety and welfare of all.

    2. While I think it’s relevant enough to merit posting here on H&R (particularly in light of the recent Stagliano case and its reliance on community standards) I had the exact same thought that I’m glad to see he simply complained to the store rather than somehow getting the government involved. Walmart is all about catering to the lowest common denominator (see their policy re: compact discs) and if that works for their business model then more power to them.

      1. Take away the “porn” aspect of it. Instead of a preacher make him a nerd. Suppose some nerd who fancied himself as a Jedi objected to a comic book store hanging posters about Star Trek. And he complained. And the store, figuring that they had more Jedi customers than Trekie customers, took the poster down. Would anyone care? No. And I can’t see how this is any different.

        1. It is interesting because Jedi haven’t been very successful in their attempts to make laws that fit their standard of morality and enforce them upon the rest of us. Prudes, on the other hand, have been.

          (I know he didn’t try to get gubmint involved)

          1. No he didn’t get the government involved. He exercised his right of free speech, which ought to be unremarkable.

            1. Quite right.

              But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make fun of him for his 12th century view of human sexuality.

              1. I had no idea that gay was 12th century.

    3. The point was that he is a conservative who is fairly obviously a latent homosexual. While Boren didn’t try to use the government to advance his cause, there have been lots of cases of other closeted conservatives doing so. The story fits within reason‘s long tradition of observing cultural trends that are influencing or might potentially influence politics.

      1. And it is new to who that some people in the world object to public displays of nude or partially nude people?

        Give me a break. This is just another in Reasons long tradition of laugh at the fundie.

        1. This is just another in Reasons long tradition of laugh at the fundie.

          And a fine tradition it is.

        2. This is just another in Reasons long tradition of laugh at the fundie.

          John is absolutely right here.

          And laughing at the fundie is GOOD.

          That alone justifies the article. We want to have fun laughing at the fundie. We’re not asking the government to stop this guy from being terrified of his own erection while looking at men’s underwear packages. We just want to be allowed the space to laugh.

          1. I didn’t say Reason shouldn’t be able to laugh at him. But laughing at him is the only value of this post.

            1. And oh the value…

      2. Boren didn’t try to use the government to advance his cause…

        True, but please note that he got his way by approaching the store manager. It is unknown what course of action he would have taken had he not been appeased.

      3. there have been lots of cases of other closeted conservatives doing so

        Didn’t Lindsay Graham vote for DOMA?

  8. I dated the daughter of a Methodist preacher from Cullman. She was pretty freaky.

    1. Ministers’ daughters are generally the best lays. There is something appealing to women about having to be so good on the outside and then being the total opposite in private.

      1. I seriously doubt your, er, sample size is big enough to make a generalization about that.

        1. Four plus numerous first hand reports from others strikes me as statistically significant, especially since I have never heard of one who wasn’t a crazy lay.

          1. Four

            Geez, have a type, John?

            1. No. Just no standards as a single guy. Also, I spent 11 years being single and living mostly in Oklahoma. You take what you can get.

              1. You take what you can get.

                Meth.

                1. In Cullman? Yeah, that’s actually pretty true.

          2. I always wonder what exactly is meant by “crazy in bed.” Dudes all talk about it, and I wonder if there are any common denominators in what they’re describing. Like, for some guys, anything not missionary might be “crazy” to them, right?

            1. I’ll need a demonstration to determine whether you’re “crazy in bed” or not.

            2. Most usages is not about what things she does, but a general willingness to do what seems fun. But practically it can mean anything from “higher than average sex drive” to “she demanded that I shit on her tits on the first date.”

            3. That is a good question. I think being “crazy in bed” is as much a state of mind as anything. Some women just don’t like or feel guilty about liking sex. Maybe there body doesn’t react well to it and the act is painful. Or maybe they have psychological issues and cant have an orgasm. Things like that. But a woman can not be frigid and still not “crazy”. I think some of the signs of “crazy in bed” would include

              1. A love of oral sex
              2. A willingness to involve other women
              3. A predilection towards bondage and S&M such things
              4. Willing to have sex odd places
              5. A exhibitionist streak
              6. And a general open mindness towards trying anything the guy thinks up.

              Being crazy in bed doesn’t require all of those things. But if you have two or more, it is safe to say you are crazy in bed.

              1. I think Heinlein said something along the lines of “A lady should shed her dignity with her clothes and do her whorish best.”

              2. As Dan Savage would say, GGG.

                GGG
                Dan Savage and his readers often use the abbreviation GGG. In his March 1, 2007 column, Savage summarized: “GGG stands for ‘good, giving, and game,’ which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything?within reason.'”

                http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savage_Love

            4. Length and depth of scratches are a key indicator.

              1. I had a chick bite me in the fucking armpit once. Wow, that hurt.

                1. There is crazy and there is batshit insane. Some women are best left alone even if they can show you a good time for a while anyway.

              2. Call me old fashioned, but in my day if a young lady was “crazy in bed” it innocently meant that she was willing to do anal.

              3. Call me old fashioned, but in my day if a young lady was “crazy in bed” it innocently meant that she was willing to do anal.

                1. Anal would be number seven on my list. I knew I forgot something.

            5. Anal being your idea usually counts, for one.

              Any kind of fetish shit (not shit fetish) usually qualifies.

              I’m sure there’s more.

              1. My double post there made it dawn on me that a willingness to get dee-peed also goes on the list.

                1. I think that’s beyond freaky and well into whore territory.

                  1. I think that’s beyond freaky and well into whore territory.

                    How dare you talk about my mother like that? She was a saint. (At least that’s what my dads told me.)

                2. WTF is dee-peed?

                  1. Double penetrated. Mouth-vagina, mouth-anus, vagina-anus. And there is, of course, triple penetrated.

                    This is contrasted with “double-stuffed,” which is two penises in any of the above orifices simultaneously. Although two penises in a single mouth is usually referred to as a “swordfight.”

              2. Totally interesting responses. Thanks, fellas. In chick-land, this is information one is just not privy to.

                1. If you only follow on rule with men Dagny T, let it be this one:

                  when it comes to men and sex, always assume the worst.

                2. This is a truly great sub-thread, guys.

                  Really.

                  Thanks for taking the time.

            6. Crazy in bed = Lights off, shirt on.

              1. Oh hey there, Dr. Reid

          3. Oh, John. I’ll share the wisdom I learned in a mountaintop monastery in Tibet: don’t put it in the crazy, dude.

            1. I used to think that. But then I got older and realized that they are all crazy in their own way. You just pick the crazy you can live with.

      2. Ministers’ daughters are generally the best lays.

        Let me add my support to this thesis.

  9. If I were the store manager, I would go get some stickers similar to the Rolling Stones lips, and place them on the offensive “packages”.

    1. And if that resulted in pissing off a large portion of your customers and losing sales, if I were the owner of the store, I would fire your dumb ass.

    1. WTF???

      1. Over a certain length, the auto-linker on the new software doesn’t recognize it as a link.

    1. Made so the shorn can fit in at Lilith Fair 2010… Barf!

  10. Unless there were people actually fucking on the side of the underwear package, it wasn’t pornography. A picture of a guy in his skivvies isn’t pornographic unless he also has his dick hanging out and inserted into another person.

    1. Depictions of masturbation, urination, and defecation are also usually considered pornographic.

      1. I don’t know that urination is automatically pornographic.

      2. I don’t know that urination is automatically pornographic.

    2. Actually the picture is useful because it shows how they fit on an actual human being. I can’t imagine a store taking a return on an opened pack of underwear.

      1. Boren probably didn’t want to shill out for codpiece, and it made him angry.

  11. Over a certain length, the auto-linker on the new software doesn’t recognize it as a link.

  12. Fuck you, squirrel.

  13. What is this “auto-linker” of which you speak? Is this something unavailable to linux users?

    1. The new Reason software seems to let people cut n’ paste a URL in a comment and it will make it an active link. Only seems to work about 20% of the time and it seems to be related to the length of the URL.

      1. http://eat.me/

        Is that short enough?

        1. Like a kid that can fart the Pledge of Alligence, he refuses to do it when company comes over.

          1. Only you could come up with that analogy.

            1. It’s the magic of SugarFree.

      2. I’ve posted URLs that have been truncated and it’s worked fine. Maybe it’s a firefox vs. IE thing.

        1. Possibly. I’m just guessing. I’m running FF and I can’t get it to work.

          1. Why not just act like someone who knows how to internet and wrap your link an anchor tag?

            1. Don’t be a fucking idiot (if you can help it).

              We were specifically testing the “Auto-linking” function.

  14. Ministers’ daughters are generally the best lays.

    Third best, according to the so-gettin’-laid guys I know. Porno whores are #2. And statistically they’re less diseased than ministers’ daughters are. #1 is unspeakable.

    Frank Boren = Frank Boner

    Rank F. Boner.

    The F is for Frank.

    1. I have heard porn whores are overrated. Seriously, when you do something for a living it ceases to be fun. And if she is looks at it as a job, it isn’t going to be fun for you. Porn stars are the ultimate look what I did lay. No thanks.

      1. They’re probably more into romance and shit, since their job is all fucking. Therefore, they have to be fucking nuts.

        1. I knew a couple of girls who did those sorts of things on the internet. They both had this whole “if I can do anything that will make the world less hung up about sex, I will do it” sort of world view. They were real dingbats and kind of fucked up.

          I would rather have a stripper. Some strippers are fucked up to. But a lot of them are just working class hard working down to earth girls trying to get by. And I can always deal with that.

          1. Actually seeing what really goes on on a porn set is enough to put you off it. As much as everyone envies male porn actors, it’s gotta be annoying to have to pause for photos right in the middle of “it” and do all the mechanical adjustments that the director wants rather than just doing what comes naturally. Plus, of course, you’re doing it under hot lights and a boom mike surrounded by 10-20 strangers. I don’t think I could do it.

            It’s no surprise to me that there are seriously screwed up psychologies (not to mention heavy drugs) involved in many porn stars’ lives.

            1. And a woman can be a stripper or even a hooker and some day quit and no one ever has to know she did it. She can totally put it behind her. But a porn star is on film and on the internet forever. No putting that behind you. I think that fact fucks them up as much as anything.

              1. So Courtney Beef Curtains can indeed pull a Don Draper.

                I love America.

                1. This comment made me LOL. You a smartypants mister!

    2. I’ve actually heard good things about pregnant women. Is that your #1?

      (I’ve known guys who troll the local lamaze classes looking for women with no partners)

      1. I am told, although I do not know first hand, that pregnant hookers make a tremendous premium. Apparently some guys are really into that.

        1. I guess it’s like any fetish, except that the supply is incredibly low which would probably explain the high premium. I will say as somebody who spent the last nine months having sex with a pregnant chick (baby #3 was born eight days ago) that the thing that sucks the most is that it drastically reduces the number of positions you can use. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not Mr. Kama Sutra or anything, but the same two or three positions get a little boring after a while.

        2. Well, you don’t have to worry about getting them pregnant. 🙂

    3. “#1 is unspeakable”

      Then write it down for us.

  15. Most repressed girls are fun to fuck. It’s the difference between shaking up and bottle of soda or leaving uncapped for five days on a coffeetable.

  16. Assertion: Farting is an underrated pleasure.

    1. I’ll probably regret this question, but underrated by who, exactly?

      1. Underrated by all. Few even consider it a pleasure at all.

        1. Farting in general, or farting during sex?

          1. Farting in general, but really the self-pleasure in it… not a James Joyce huffer type situation.

            1. Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School:

              http://www.amazon.com/Fart-Pro…..1583940790

    2. Especially if you pull the covers over their head.

      1. Do the British call that a Dutch Oven as well?

        1. Indeed they do. 🙂

          1. Darn. I was hoping they called it a “Cotswold Bumbershoot” or something.

            1. Love it! If you like I’ll pass that off as the truth.

              1. Please do.

            2. That’s what the Australians call it.

  17. “On a few of the packages they were very pornographic in the way they were dressed, in skimpy underwear, so I went to the manager and asked her if she thought it was inappropriate to be displayed.”

    Can you imagine being the manager?

    “I’m sorry sir, I don’t stare much at naked men, but do tell, after studying the naked man carefully, can you detail to me exactly what’s inappropriate so I can put it in my report and send it up the corporate chain?”

  18. Later that same day, he returned to peruse the comments subsequent to his query regarding the alleged auto-linking feature.

    He left no wiser.

  19. Farting is an underrated pleasure.

    Unlike skillful manipulation of the shift key.

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