Government Spending

D.C. Kids Demand Bigger Condoms With More Bling

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science shows: teens lie on surveys

D.C. has been giving away free condoms to encourage safe sex. They chose the slightly cheaper Durex brand for the freebies. But a new survey finds that D.C. teens are demanding larger, more durable Trojan Magnums instead, claiming that the Durex are too small. Because, you know, teenage boys are very likely to reliably report the size of their Captain Howdy on an official city survey.

The whole condom controversy is a handy study in the problems with (in this case, literal) one-size-fits-all government-provided goods:

"If people get what they don't want, they are just going to trash them," said T. Squalls, 30, who attends the University of the District of Columbia….

Health officials and consumer advocates say that in terms of preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, there's no difference between Trojans and the less-expensive Durex condoms that the city is offering….

"We thought making condoms available was a good thing, but we never asked the kids what they wanted," said D.C. Council member David A. Catania (I-At Large), chairman of the health committee.

Solution: Grease the squeaky wheel (sorry) and then—to ration the good and prevent the most egregious fraud—construct some hoops for distributors to jump through:

D.C. officials have decided to stock up on Trojan condoms, including the company's super-size Magnum variety, and they have begun to authorize teachers or counselors, preferably male, to distribute condoms to students if the teachers complete a 30-minute online training course called "WrapMC"—for Master of Condoms.

To wrap up (sorry again), here's your government-sponsored condom quote of the day:

"The gold package certainly has a little bit of the bling quality," said Michael Kharfen, a spokesman for the city's HIV/AIDS administration.

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  1. Great, now more of them are going to be falling off. Stupid-ass kids.

  2. Find an issue, you stupid cunt.

    1. Probably be easier to find one of those, than whatever hangs between your legs.

    2. Give it up, dude.
      Grow some balls and find a handle you want to keep.
      If you can’t find a reason to disagree, then either leave, or join us. First posted (today!) 5/21/10

      1. Please starve the troll.

    3. stupid cunt

      Spoken like a true progressive.

  3. WTF.

    Seriously? WHY?! They seriously SAID THESE THINGS?! And there isn’t a major uproar of ‘what the fuck?’ by the rest of the nation?

  4. This….I just…but…

    I got nothin’. I’m going off to kill myself. Have a great weekend, everyone!

  5. …Council member David A. Catania (I-At Large)…

    A pun, correct?

  6. I just found out I’m allergic to latex condoms, which is a real bummer. All these years I thought it was just the cat.

    1. Maybe the cat will use NuvaRing.

    2. That’s what Trojan Supras are for. Hell, they’d be perfect for this program… they’re slightly larger (but not egregiously so), come in a gold foil wrapper, and are latex-free…

      Then again, they should be happy with whatever they’re getting.

      1. While they might be slightly larger in the package (and I’m not even sure about that) they definitely don’t stretch as large as a regular trojan condom, much less a magnum. However, as the purchase statistics of condoms seems to indicate, they aren’t buying them for size anyway. They should just put an “XL” sticker on the durex condoms they already have and call it a day.

      2. Do they come in catnip flavor?

        1. …Ook. Some of you seem to love your pets a little too much.

  7. Oh my. 30 and still a student.

  8. Give ’em a roll of Saran Wrap!

  9. D.C. officials have decided to stock up on Trojan condoms, including the company’s super-size Magnum variety, and they have begun to authorize teachers or counselors, preferably male, to distribute condoms to students if the teachers complete a 30-minute online training course called “WrapMC” — for Master of Condoms.

    It sounds like the D.C. officials haven’t figured out that they can use female teachers to distribute condoms to female students. (For that, “Oh right, you ‘forgot’ them” moment.) I’m sure the ladies won’t care if they get Durex, and their BFs will be caught between a block and a hard place.

    1. A stopped cock is right twice a day.

      1. That’s offensive. Stop it.

      2. If you clock remains stopped for more than twelve hours, consult your horologist.

        1. If your cock remains stopped for more than twelve hours, consult your whoreologist.

  10. Free government shit, give them an inch and they take 4.

  11. Hilarious. That was the first I’ve ever heard of the University of the District of Columbia. It definitely has that institutional look to it, and isn’t it un-PC to call the women’s teams “Lady Firebirds”?

    1. Isn’t is sexist also to prefer that male teachers distribute the condoms?

    2. Just remember, “Lady Firebirds” was the compromise name. The original suggestion was “The Firehens.”

  12. In defense of the monster-cocked teenagers, though there surely are fewer than advertised: A condom stretched onto Mr. Very Happy as tightly as in that wasted-alt-text-joke picture up there is, uh, not OK. For the penis.
    Also, hello, DC.

    AHEM!

  13. I use Magnum XL’s myself. Just sayin’

    No I don’t have anything relevant to add.

    Did mention that I used Magnum XL’s, ladies?

    1. Also wanted to add, that Magnum’s are LONGER, but if you have lot’s of girth, like me, they are still a tight fit…..ladies.

      1. This is not how you do the D.E.N.N.I.S. System, CT.

        1. D ? Demonstrate Your Value
          E ? Engage Physically
          N ? Nurture Dependence
          N – Neglect Emotionally
          I ? Inspire Hope
          S ? Separate Entirely

  14. I have it on good authority that government decision makers are way smarter and wiser than everyone else.
    The peasants need to use the Durex and shut up.

  15. Too-tight condoms are brutal. You might as well just vacuum seal your dick and be done with it. Also, you break them very easily but may not notice (ha ha, who am I kidding, you notice immediately but don’t want to stop), and then what was the point in the first case?

    Bottom line: condoms are evil, horrible things.

  16. Bottom line: condoms are evil, horrible things.

    Not compared to children. (and i say that as the parent of a 2 year old)

    1. Good thing you added that last part, because otherwise it would have sounded really weird.

    2. It would be a shame if some Puerto Rican guy abducted it, dude. A real shame.

      1. He’s a long-legged, pissed off Puerto Rican!

  17. Agreed about the pleasure-destroying capability of a too-tight condom. For me the rubber ring at the bottom is the worst part.

  18. Too tight, too loose, or just right, condoms are horrible devices. They’re so bad that they make monogamy seem attractive by comparison. Fuck you, AIDS.

  19. In my day we didn’t have these thin latex condoms. So you could enjoy sexual pleasure. In my day there was only one kind of condom. You took a rabbit skin and wrapped around your privates and tied it off with a bungee cord and you couldn’t feel nothing! And half the time you didn’t even know your partner was there. And we used the same one over and over again! ‘Cause we were ignorant morons! Just a bunch of hairless, head-kabobs standing around with rabbit skins on our dinks and that’s the way we liked it!

    1. Sad fact — most of today’s free condom recipients weren’t even born yet when Dana Carvey did that bit.

  20. They say that during the Vietnam war, part of the psychological warfare effort was to leave horse-size condoms around for the Viet Cong to find, but labeled ” small”. Supposedly this would make the enemy feel unworthy and unmanly, and thereby easier to defeat.

    I wonder if the call for extra large Trojans isn’t the same thing in reverse: kind of like one medieval city proclaiming that “our cathedral is taller than yours”. Shrunk to modern terms of course: no one would dare build a cathedral today; now we compare catheters. Hurrah for the 21st Century….

    1. Fucked if I can remember the title or author, but there’s a pretty good book written by a rural Vietnamese chick who was in her teens when the Americans showed up. These soldiers were the first Europeans she’d seen, and her impression was that they were freakish, red-haired, big-nosed, horny giants.

      1. When Heaven and Earth Changed Places, by Le Ly Hayslip

      2. Considering the French were there before us, that’s saying something.

    2. They say that during the Vietnam war, part of the psychological warfare effort was to leave horse-size condoms around for the Viet Cong to find, but labeled ” small”. Supposedly this would make the enemy feel unworthy and unmanly, and thereby easier to defeat.

      The joke I remember involves the Soviets wanting 12-inch condoms from the Americans, and the Americans labelling them “extra small”.

  21. I’m surprised no one brought up the one most relevant detail here (or is this too taboo to discuss outside of a small group of womenfolk like it usually is discussed): the demographics of the D.C. area, specifically the areas that they’re, targeting that whole don’t get AIDS/HIV or children thing at, might actually (assuming the stereotypes are true) require slightly larger contraceptives than other areas. Just sayin.

  22. Abstain. One size fits all.

    1. You wouldn’t say that if you had any prospects.

      Not that I’m getting any either, mind.

  23. Obviously schools are going to do mandatory penis measurements of all male students, so they can find the right condoms. It’s for the good of society.

    1. They should put that in a database somewhere. It ought to be safe, with the government providing top-notch security measures as it always does.

  24. Is that a picture of the reason.com judges evaluating a submission to yesterday’s contest?

  25. Using the metric system? Are you serious?

  26. Dont use no smalls, nuttin at alls.

  27. Also, why has this thread not turned into a list of pecker euphemisms?

    Groinstalk.

  28. Why can’t these whippersnappers BUY their own damn condoms?

    Hey, get offa my lawn!

  29. Trojans? I remember Trojan condoms as being the most uncomfortable of any brand I tried, with the possible exception being the off-brand freebies you get in Japanese love hotels. Those things are definitely not made for Americans…

  30. DC kids demand bigger condoms…

    DC is a predominantly African American community, after all, so this makes sense. Really, when you think about it, it is racist (RACIST, I say) to stock small condoms there.

    1. And to be fair to the kids saying they need bigger condoms, DC does have the biggest dicks (and penises) out of the major cities in the US. See the heatmap: http://failocracy.com/?p=402

      1. 35. Texas (Apparently not EVERYTHING is bigger there.)

        Hah

  31. “gold package”

    Katherine seems to really have fun writing articles about this topic. 😉 Doing anything later, Katie?

  32. I think the name Trojan is sexist and anti-male. It implies that sperm are like little men who will pour out and attack your insides, and you need to hold them at bay or kill them.

    Now i have to go release Odysseus and the Myrmidions.

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  35. Regular Magnums aren’t huge by any means. It’s the Magnum XLs that are frightening.

    But just look at DC’s population demographics. Is there ANY reason you can think of that a large portion of the population in D.C. would require a larger condom? Hmmm… I’m drawing a black –uh– I mean blank…

  36. bigger condoms

    (F)urnication
    (U)nder
    (C)ontrol
    (K)ing

    http://www.pornvideodll.com/

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