Sports

I'd Like to Go All Roberto Alomar on Henry Waxman's Dome

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Oh, goddamnit.

Free Lenny Dykstra!

After hounding Major League Baseball and its players union over steroids, Congress now wants the sport to ban smokeless tobacco. […]

At a hearing Wednesday, House Energy and Commerce Committee chairman Henry Waxman, a California Democrat, and Health Subcommittee chairman Frank Pallone, a New Jersey Democrat, called on baseball and its players to agree to bar major leaguers from using chew, dip or similar products during games. […]

Anna Eshoo, a California Democrat, wondered aloud: "Why don't they just chew gum if they feel the need to chew something?"

During his opening statement, Waxman said: "We don't let baseball players go stand out there in the field and drink beer. Major League Baseball won't allow them to step on the field and smoke cigarettes. So why should they be out there on the field—in sight of all their fans on television and at the ballpark—using smokeless tobacco?"

How about because smokeless tobacco is a legal product that the players, being allegedly free men, choose to consume? More Waxman jackassery:

Unfortunately, Major League Baseball, and the players' union have yet to take decisive steps to end this terrible scourge. […]

This Committee will continue its vigorous and ongoing oversight of these issues. The protection of young Americans from the ravages of tobacco – in all its forms – demands no less.

And Major League Baseball and its players must step up to the plate to do their part.

Italics mine, because to hell with these people.

THIS is why we don't let them chew gum, Rep. Ashoo! Think of the children!

For those of you about to argue in the comments that "I'd rather they go after snuff and chaw than do something really harmful," let me just say this: What on earth makes you think A) is a distraction from B)? When you exercise congressional oversight authority–scratch that, when you exercise the oversight authority of the House Energy and Commerce Committee–over the gross-but-legal personal habits of private-sector employees, than by definition you are lowering the bar for government intervention into absolutely everything. For proof, look no further than Waxman's creepy letter to his colleagues this week announcing postponement of hearings he called to publicly shame CEOs of companies who promptly reported write-offs in the wake of the new health care reform law. The business bigwigs pleaded for more time to assemble their explanations, but the most important thing, at least going by Waxman's letter, was that they furnished him with quotes that only sound like they were issued directly from the desk of Peter Orszag:

So very lucky he didn't play baseball in the 1930s. Just think of the nicknames….

As the Committee examined the potential impact of the new law on large employers, several companies and their representatives expressed the view that the new law could have beneficial impacts on large employers if implemented properly. John Castellani, President of the Business Roundtable, told our staff, "[i]f implemented right, the law has the potential to make employers and employees better off because it could bend the cost curve." Wayne Watts, the Senior Executive Vice President for AT&T, wrote the Committee: "Should the structural reforms intended to reduce the costs of delivering healthcare under PPAC [the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act] ultimately prove successful over time, self-insured companies like AT&T would likely benefit from such reduced costs." Andrew Mekelburg, the Vice President of Federal Government Relations at Verizon, told our staff: "It is critically important to bend the cost curve to get health care spending under control. … The correct implementation of the reforms associated with the legislation is important to achieving long term savings for the country and for Verizon."

Translation: Kiss the ring, bitches.

Hat tip for the original link: Scott Ross.

Disclosures: I was a teenage dipper (Copenhagen, mostly), my long-dead grandpa had some of his lip removed probably as a result of chewing tobacco, and Henry Waxman was not only my congressman for a few years, but he did me a solid once. Also, I believe more strongly than ever that the 1970s were the only decade to give the '90s a run for their money, as evidenced by the TV commercial below:

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  1. Anna Eshoo, a California Democrat, wondered aloud: “Why don’t they just chew gum if they feel the need to chew something?”

    I’ve got something for these nanny staters to chew on. And it’s harder than their dentures, lemme tell you.

    1. You might wanna fix your handle, Danny DeVito.

  2. I used to love Big League Chew. I’d try to get the whole pouch in my mouth, and when the flavor went dead, I’d toss it in the road to slime up some unfortunate vehicle. It was uncomfortable to watch in 100 degree heat.

    1. I can’t get on board with the vandalism, but I liked BLC also. It was cool when they came out with grape flavor.

      1. My cat smells like cat food.

    2. Green Apple was awesome

  3. It’s time to start murdering these fucks.

    1. On the advice of counsel, I cannot express my utter support for this notion.

  4. would someone please send Mr. Waxman a Rubik’s Cube or something to occupy his time, this is getting out of hand

  5. Anna Eshoo, a California Democrat, wondered aloud: “Why don’t they just chew gum if they feel the need to chew something?”

    Could this cunt be any foamier with the foul, fishy, runny smegma of idiocy? Somebody needs to kick her in the twat with a steel-toed boot with AIDS on it.

    1. Could this cunt be any foamier with the foul, fishy, runny smegma of idiocy? Somebody needs to kick her in the twat with a steel-toed boot with AIDS on it.

      Its truly a pleasure to see a real wordsmith at his craft!

      I salute you.

    2. Man, I suck at cursing.

    3. I come here for the writing!

      +1

    4. smegma

      That’s a word I haven’t heard in a while.

    5. I missed you while you were away Jamie Kelly. So glad you’re back. (BTW when I read your inspired and off the wall curses, I hear them in my head in an Irish accent.)

  6. Kiss the ring, bitches.

    Exactly. These fucks have been gaining–and abusing–their power at exponential rates, because the more they do it and–lo and behold, they get away with it–the more they’re going to want to do it.

    Someone, somewhere, has to stand up Frank Zappa-style or Dee Snyder-style and go “fuck you, Waxman, you hideous demonic-proboscis troglodyte, you have no jurisdiction over X”. I know that people are afraid to do so, and with good reason, but…it has to get done.

    1. I was hoping this very thing would happen during the Obamacare bully session, but ‘ole Henry chickened out, the pussy.

  7. Is there an uglier chap than this chump? Waxman, not Fisk.

    Waxman is an example of evil gravitating to power. You listening MNG?

    1. Waxman looks like one of those cartoon ‘evil Japs’ from 1940’s cartoons. They were scary… He is scary!

  8. Are we through punishing the Republicans yet?

    1. Why? So they can get their grubby little paws on the military industrial complex again and expand it beyond belief? So they can continue to rack up debt when they don’t cut spending anywhere near as much as they cut taxes? So they can pick unnecessary fights with Iran and North Korea? So they can wholeheartedly endorse torture for people who don’t get the benefit of even a military tribunal? So they can frighten us all into thinking the big bad terrorists might come to our homes and detonate themselves next to our children? So they can fund and arm Israel to the brim with taxpayer dollars without recognizing the complexities our entangling alliance creates? So they can impose their religious viewpoints on the rest of us by force of law?

      Don’t get me wrong – as long as the GOP keeps their eye on the economy (and not so much national security or social issues), we’re at least slightly better off. I’d love it if they can win back one or both houses of Congress. There are lots of Republicans I’d be plenty satisfied enough to vote for like Johnson, the Pauls, Ryan, Flake, Hensarling (fortunately my soon-to-be congressman). But we should never entrust the GOP with all three branches of government ever again. I’d rather have liberals telling me they want to grow government than conservatives telling me they won’t and doing it anyway.

      1. Oh – I forgot – so they can declare war on mostly harmless illegal immigrants, expand the already massive immigration bureaucracy, support racial profiling and violate countless civil liberties?

        1. Good rant. And being from AZ, and Libertarian, I really like Jeff Flake.

        2. Deportations of otherwise non-criminal illegals is way up under Obama. If you wanted to kiss illegal ass you should have voted McCain.I’m betting we get the National ID and a suck-ass immigration policy out of the Dems. Teh “health care” shoulda included a wide open immigration policy for foreign doctors from credible schools. Particularly those proficient in English.

          1. It’s not just the Feds and their H1B program, it’s also up to the state licensing board where they wish to practice. From what I understand from colleagues, passing the FLEX, NBME, USMLE for foreign graduates is a real bitch.

            http://www.workpermit.com/us/m…..octors.htm

  9. Jesus Fuck, his nostrils are even bigger than the last time I saw him. Does he dilate them with a speculum for some sick fucking sexual thrill? Christ, what an asshole.

    1. I thought you sucked at cursing!?

    1. Here was my message to Mr. Waxman?:

      Hi, I’m Representative Henry Waxman, and I’d like to tell you about my latest douchebaggery. You see, I’m trying to ban Major League baseball players from chewing smokeless tobacco. I say that “it’s for the children” of course, but let’s be real folks, I just enjoy being a giant douchnozzle (look at my giant pig nose for Christ sake!). I mean, only you stupid sheeple would believe that a mature adult trying to enjoy some smokeless tobacco has a negative effect on children watching. Hahaha, that’s just silly. God I’m a fucking genius.

      Thanks for being so supportive of my menstruation-inspired legislature,
      Henry

      P.S. RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD

      1. “Here was my message to Mr. Waxman?:”

        I’m Ron Burgundy?

        1. hahaha I love that movie. Too bad he sucks now.

  10. Waxman is a campaign ad sent from heaven. Heavy handedness and pure pug ugliness need to be the face of the Democratic party.

    1. You should see his district. Pig Men everywhere!

      1. Isn’t his district Beverly Hills?

  11. Waxman and Congress have every right to get down and dirty with MLB. These guys are role models to children and they’re just flaunting their substance abuse all over the media.
    Plus, don’t expect the people to pick up the tab for your dirty habits when you get mouth cancer. Of course, they get paid enough to go overseas to some foreign doctor and get treatment, keeping our US doctors from earning an honest living.

  12. So Annie Achew wants big leaguers to chew gum instead? But that has too much sugar, right? And doesn’t the artificial sweetener cause brain problems? I’m surprised she didn’t just come out and say the game was too dangerous and should be banned.

    Dip, baby, dip! Or Spit, baby Spit! That should be MLB’s new ad program.

  13. That Garagiola sure could blow!

  14. I haven’t seen “Happy Days” chaw wince 1983…nostalgia!

  15. We don’t let baseball players go stand out there in the field and drink beer.

    Who doesn’t? And fuck them, too.

    1. It would be just fine with me if MLB players drank beer on the field. Half the fans in the stands are imbibing. Doubt it would even change the game much.

  16. At a hearing Wednesday…

    How did I know it was going to be Waxman?

  17. At least we found ONE union Waxman will stand up to.

  18. So what exactly do you mean by “the 1970s were the only decade to give the ’90s a run for their money”

    1. That the 1990s were the awesomest, and the 1970s were a close second place.

      1. Que Welch leaving disappointed that this didn’t become a 70’s versus 90’s debate thread.

        I liked the 90’s. As a young Braves fan, It gave me realistic expectations about failure.

        1. As a Phillies fan, I was happy to see you get those realistic expectations about failure, especially after what the Atlanta press said about Dykstra, Kruk, Daulton et al in ’93. I think I enjoyed watching the Phils beat the Braves in the 93 NLCS more than I enjoyed watching them win the World Series in 08.

          1. I was 7 at the time. I saw Kruk pimping nutrisystem; I didn’t realize he played baseball too.

      2. you had to be alive in the 1970s to know or just guess.

        1. Your “playing dumb to piss off a phillies fan” meter must be turned off.

          Getting off baseball. The movies and music of the eighties always made me assume it was a pretty happy decade compared to the nineties.

      3. oh, ok then I’ll agree that the 90’s rocked.

  19. Waxman has the correct appearance for a politician: he looks on the outside just like his personality is on the inside.

    1. What ole Henry needs is a little .44 Magnum chin music.

      1. He already got shot twice. Can’t you see the wounds, you insensitive bastard?

        1. Fuck, dude, his nostrils look like high-powered rifle exit wounds, not pistol entry wounds. Get a sense of scale, you incompetent slubberdegullion.

          1. ^What he said.

          2. His nostrils have their own clits. ASK ME HOW I KNOW

            1. How do you know, Warty?

              1. He saw Deep Nostril four times?

              2. It’s a story that only SugarFree is fit to tell. Suffice it to say that I used up a few bonesaws in the experience.

    2. Yeah, and he’s probably hung like a horse to make up for it.

  20. Why not ban losing? Losing is a health risk for adults everywhere, and we certainly don’t want Our Children picking up that filthy habit.

    1. Have you been paying attention? That’s already on the agenda.

  21. Lord, if an airliner has to crash tomorrow, please let Henry Waxman be on it. And Nancy Pelosi. Amen.

    1. I’m an atheist but I’ll say three or four Hail Marys if it will help.

      1. It can’t hurt.

        Let’s book him and Nance a nice vintage Soviet airliner with a Polish pilot for their next cross-country jaunt.

        1. Great idea, but Lucifer and Lady Macbeth never fly together.

          1. I’m counting on the allure and romance of a Brezhnev-era commie tub to draw them in.

    2. Just proves there is no God since he won’t answer that prayer and there is no Devil as I’d offer up my soul to be rid of a few of these ghouls.

  22. I propose a Waxman rule for legislation:

    Any bill proposed by Congress shall have as it’s first property the capacity to be rolled and shoved up one of Henry Waxman’s nostrils. Any bill failing this test shall not be considered.”

    1. The HCR bill would have sailed through without touching the sides, Doug.

      1. Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.

      2. Sorry, I’m not that great at math. I was considering his nostrils might actually be within the realm of human possibility, clearly mistaken thinking.

  23. It’s as if a particle physics experiment accidentally opened a portal to the Onion universe and Congress came through.

  24. Red Man … what a chew! Looks like Henry ‘Nostralitis’ Waxman is all in a tither because he can’t stuff any more snuff up is … (wait for it) … rectum.

  25. Waxman is so ugly, the Elephant Man pays to see him.

    1. Waxman so ugly, Ripley’s Believe it or Not accused him of stealing an exhibit when he tried to leave.

  26. Waxman always makes me think of the line about the banality of evil.

  27. Awesome Carlton Fisk commercial.

    It might do Rep. Waxman some good to take a dip and get out in the pines and swing an ax for a long while.

    1. It would do me some good to take Waxman out in the pines and swing an axe handle for a long while.

    2. Pencil necks like Waxman swinging axes? The only muscle those clowns will ever work is the one in their skulls.

      Anytime Waxman is driving home from one of these hearings he’s guaranteed to be doing two additional things:

      1) finger buried to the wrist digging in one of his gaping huge nostrils

      2) rambling on out loud – “…who is the big man now jocks, huh, huh, yeah me Henry Waxman that’s who, we’ll see who stuffs my head in the toilet and locks me in my locker now, yeah that’s right you won’t make fun of Henry Waxman now, big man, huh, that’s me, no match for Waxman, no-no-no I got a match for you, my face and your ass, you’ll be sorry now…”

      1. I just thought it would be nice if he built some muscle and tightened up some. That way, the next time I get to run my lips over his body, it will be that much more pleasurable. Copenhagen is effective for discouraging the kissing on the lips part.

  28. Waxman’s 2010 agenda:
    1) Take CEOs to task for actually following regulations since it hurts the Dem’s chances this year.
    2) Make fool of self about baseball in the hopes it misdirects attention from (1).
    3) Contact Stooges writers for next effort.

  29. Is pig nose himself going to check? I made it through high school dipping, and I’m not the most talented guy you know.

  30. John Castellani, President of the Business Roundtable, told our staff, “[i]f implemented right, the law has the potential to make employers and employees better off because it could bend the cost curve.”

    Andrew Mekelburg, the Vice President of Federal Government Relations at Verizon, told our staff: “It is critically important to bend the cost curve to get health care spending under control.

    Perhaps it would help if those economically illiterate sycophants and the colossal jizz stain Waxman understood that in addition to being trendy business cliches cost curves are production functions, not prices.

  31. The telling thing here is that Waxman said “WE don’t let baseball players go stand out there in the field and drink beer.” As if he is the head of the league or in complete control. He then switched to using “MLB.”

    Next, I’m disappointed as shit, but not surprised, that those companies caved like little bitches. Now they choose to suckle at his teat and look like idiots, simply for following standard accounting rules? God forbid one of them tell Waxman to go fuck himself or make him look like an idiot.

    1. Not just standard accounting rules, but the Sarbanes-0xley requirements too.

  32. Troll or serious?

    Hell, the MLB players could be doing heroin on the field and it would still be none of the Federal Government’s fucking business. If they were all drinking absinthe or dropping acid, MLB would be far more entertaining. I might actually watch it for once.

    1. Sorry – that was supposed to be a response to CrackSpackle.

    2. It’s people like you that are killing this country, with your insistence, not only on ruining good sports with drugs, not merely with leading our young astray, but having the audacity to suggest that it be done with foreign drugs. You make me sick. As if it’s not bad enough that good God-fearing American farmers are driven to growing the Devil’s weed for a profit. I don’t know what’s worse, doing that, or advocating buying foreign drugs.

      1. Definitely a troll…

    3. It would be worth digging up Hunter S. Thompson to cover that.

  33. Good article, Mr. Welch.

  34. Takes one hell of a man to fell timber with a broad axe.

    Okay, Matt, I’m sold.

    Do you answer technical questions, or do they need to be addressed to Carlton Fisk?

    Question: Can I expect the same level of performance boosting enhancement using Red Man or Spark Plug? (Copenhagen’s fine granules plug up my cigarette filters making it difficult to get a good healthy drag.)

    1. Just switch to long cut. Thats what I do and I live in flavor country, and always get the buzz I need for top performance.

  35. If only Congress would concern itself exclusively with the conduct of professional sports and leave the rest of the country the fuck alone.

  36. That’s it. Go ahead and laugh. Yuck yuck yuck. But remember this: I’m the master and you’re the slave. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

    1. Oh, there’s always one thing we could do.

  37. I play in a men’s baseball league in central NC, and since most of the fields we use are on “drug-free zone” high school grounds, there is a “strict” no-tobacco policy in the league.

    And like half the dudes on my team either dip or chew. Personally I can’t stand the shit, but yeah good luck getting rid of it.

  38. Waxman used to one of my best customers. He could snort a kilo per nostril. I once had him and Carl Malden fly down to Columbia for the Festival of Coca. It was a battle royal of coke snorting and one small child got inhaled in the process.

  39. Now, I went out last Sunday
    with my little Mary-Ann
    She said please stay still Monday,
    and grabbed me by my can
    She laid a big one on me,
    suprised me with her tongue,
    But her surprise was waitin’ there,
    between my cheek and gum.

    Copenhagen, what a wad of flavor
    Copenhagen you can see it in my smile
    Copenhagen, do yourself a favor
    chew Copenhagen drive those pretty girls wild

  40. Waxman is the reason this country is going to hell,he is 2 faced,first he wants players to stop chewing tobacco,and now he wants to dismantle the supplement industry.He threw that in the health care bill…take supplements off the shelves,this guy should be a republican,he for big business.Waxman must be getting from the drug companies,no sense pass health care but get supplements off the shelves,this guy is an asshole.

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