"He does have Republican values. Is it going to make a big splash with his current identification as a vampire? That's only for the voters to decide."


"He fed off me, and it felt really good" is only one of the best quotes from this piece on Republican presidential hopeful, and self-proclaimed vampire, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey. For the rest, you'll have to watch the whole thing:

No doubt he'll quickly learn the lesson espoused by Jay Laga'aia's liberal, pro-human vampire Senator in Daybreakers, "Being a vampire and a politician, it can be hard to make friends."

NEXT: Walter Olson on the Toyota Scandal

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  1. Crap. I had this scheduled to post on Urkobold on Thursday.

    Damn you Hit & Run!

  2. The fact that Republicans aren’t protesting this man shows they agree with him about everything!

    1. Well, you’ve got those two done to perfection.

  3. Republicans won’t stick out their necks for this guy.

  4. My, how things change.

    10-20 years ago Republicans would not have touched him with a 39.5 foot pole. They probably won’t still. But, if Sarah Palin’s teenaged daughter could get pregnant and they look the other way, who knows.

    1. What would you have had Republicans do instead of looking away? Force an abortion on her? Burn her at a stake? What a twisted world you Democrats live in.

      1. In the bizarre alternate dimension where the Dim Rats live, the country is known as Uhhhmerica; there, they regularly burn people at the stake for not believing in Global Warming.

      2. Choose someone else for VP?

        1. Thank you. Brandybuck seems to think the only options are look the other way and burn her at the stake.

          1. Fuck all three of you fascists, and may you burn in Hell! Every one of you genocidal pro-abortion Palin-hating traitors should be fed to wood chippers feet-first for pushing premarital sex, stigmatizing teen pregnancy, and then bashing anyone who chooses not to murder an unborn child just to satisfy you. Palin did the right thing at every turn; it’s you fucking feminazi fascists we ought to be forcing the abortions on, if on anyone at all.

        2. Like who, Joe Biden? You treasonous ‘rats are hardly in any position to criticize anyone else’s selection for VP after you chose an empty-headed commie racist foreigner with no legitimate long-form birth certificate we’ve ever been allowed to see and no executive experience whatsoever to be at the head of your ticket, let alone the floundering gaffe-prone plagiarist and epic failure you chose to be his running mate/bulletproof vest!

          (I wouldn’t count on that latter designation, by the way; Biden would really have to try hard to do worse than this changeling bastard you fools inflicted on us has already done. His blunders would probably be more entertaining to watch too.)

          Compared to just about anyone you morons would pick for anything (and did), Sarah Palin looks like Marilyn Vos Savant’s love child conceived with Albert Einstein via frozen sperm. She should have been at the top of the ticket. If McCain had won, he would have been a marked man for having such a high-quality running mate. He would have had to give all his speeches from behind bulletproof glass for fear that somebody would get impatient waiting for old age to deliver his seat to her.

      3. @BradyBuck

        I’m a libertarian, dimwit.

    2. STFU, Lonewacko.

    3. So how’s that HOPE and CHANGE working out for you, fuzznuts?

      Funny how you hypocrites trumpeted Bristol Palin’s indiscretion (as if it proved anything) while completely looking the other way as your party’s grinning catamite schmoozed with the likes of Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, and George Soros.

      I hope you remember all this guilt-by-association bullshit you’ve been spewing when Sasha and Malia both get themselves knocked up and you start crying foul, asshole!

      1. First of all, I did not vote for Obama. Second, the first two are bad apples, but Soros isn’t THAT bad. I get the feeling you are a conservative, not a libertarian.

        Lastly, to Obi-Wan, Obama is an American citizen. Get over it. He’s no commie, he’s no racist. He’s just a run-of-the-mill politician. Grow up.

  5. I was hoping it was Robert Patinson

    1. JSharkz is still quite catchy.

  6. I met a politician. Didn’t like him. He got stuck in my teeth.

  7. Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey?

    Dammit, he stole my porn name!

      1. Now there’s an underrated film.

        1. I haven’t seen that in ages. I can barely remember if it was any good.

          See, if Charles Bronson was in a movie, the movie was automatically good, even if it sucked. There is no such metric when applied to Burt. You just have to go and see.

          1. See, if Charles Bronson was in a movie, the movie was automatically good, even if it sucked.

            YES. Charles elevated every movie he was in to sublime levels of awesomeness. I really can’t think of another actor who was capable of that.

              1. My personal favorite – Death Wish 3

                Thank the FSM for AMC.

          2. Well, I liked it. Decent Burt, with enjoyable support from Bernie Casey and the totally iconic Henry Silva.

    1. You mean, you stole Lex “The Impaler”‘s porn nickname, and he stole it from you?

  8. hello,

    im Audrianna, th

  9. hello,

    im Audrianna, th

  10. hello,
    Im Audrianna.

    first thing we did not meet on line. jonathon and i met a couple of years ago with a group called The UVUP. this is a vampire group in ohio.

    second thing, Jonathons teeth are not the only thing that feels good in me. 😀

    ~Audrianna foster~
    ~Audrianna Sharkey~

    1. Do you guys argue over your used tampons or are you on the pill?

      1. Knowledge of female reproductive system FAIL.

        1. Sarcasmometer FAIL

  11. “Being a vampire and a politician…” kinda redundant.

    1. word. Gotta have a little more respect for one that admits to being a bloodsucker though.

  12. Ummm…..wtf Audrianna Sharkey?

    I feel like I just got locked in Hot Topic for a month reading this post.

  13. His parents misspelled his name.

  14. “He says constituents shouldn’t focus on his vampire heritage…”

    Has it been 15 minutes yet?

  15. Great SITE for documentaries check it out

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  16. second thing, Jonathons teeth are not the only thing that feels good in me. 😀

    And the other is clozapine, I assume?

  17. The Onion couldn’t come up with this. Does anybody else believe that the link between plausible and ridiculous is not linear but circular?

  18. At least he’s not running as a libertarian.

  19. Wow, lots of conservatives on this libertarian website. Shouldn’t you guys be commenting on Hot Air or NRO?

      1. Huh?

      2. Huh?

  20. No lawyer jokes? I admire such self-restraint!

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