Reason Morning Links: Record Federal Payroll, More AIG Bonuses, Pentagon Supports Ending Don't Ask Don't Tell


NEXT: Announcing The Largest Federal Workforce. Ever.

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  1. Top this, bitches. (Top this – get it? Yes, I’m 12).

    The role of sexual intercourse in the etiology of carpal tunnel syndrome

    1. The solution to the problem seems to be–as it is in so many cases–doggy style.

      “You wanna fuck me like a dog?!?”

      1. “Say rather like our apelike forebears.”

        1. “Baby, I wanna fuck for 20 seconds in front of our friends and family and then go sleep in my leaf nest. You cool with that?”

          1. Hey baby, wanna do it in the trunk of the Mach 5? (Or am I reading the wrong “Speed Racer” fan fiction?)

            1. I’ve heard there are repetitive motions that may not lead to injury.

      2. I can just hear you giggling as you clicked “submit” at 8:54AM.

    2. Thought I topped that yesterday on Cathy Young’s Holocaust post?

      For today, some interesting science items.

  2. How nice for him.

    I may be late for the discussion, but as a non-virgin dating a male virgin and choosing to abstain from vaginal penetration (aka we’re the “anything, but” couple) I can say with great confidence that waiting has allowed us to focus on our relationship with each other and strengthen our bond – not having sex was literally the best thing I did after being in an emotionally crippling relationship!

    1. But is “secondary” virginity any less upsetting than abstinence pledges?

      “OMG, I’m totally not gonna fuck till I’m married LOL!”


    2. …abstain from vaginal penetration…

      Oh man, that dude has it. all. figured. OUT. If I thought going backdoor with my girlfriend on a regular basis would have been as easy as that…

      1. If I thought he was getting that, I’d applaud him as well. But I bet you that the “anything” in “anything but” is hug, cuddle, rub my feet, scrub my back, and “I’ll scream if you touch me anywhere while I’m asleep.”

        Besides: Virgin guy + Non=virgin girl + abstinence = gay guy

        1. This all reminds me of the dumbass in American Pie complaining about all the blowjobs he was getting because Tara Reid didn’t want to “do it” yet.

        2. Oh, come on SF, every guy who can wait a little while isn’t gay.

          1. If you read her whole comment, I don’t think it’s a “let’s wait until the 4th date” situation. It’s more like “when’s the first day of Fall?”

            1. Ok, that’s gay. I withdraw my comment.

    3. She should have sex with him. Unlike the asshole she dated before, he’d probably care about how sex was for her and be nice to her during and after. She probably is expecting sex with him to be much like it was with the asshole. As an extra bonus, sex is fun.

    4. He needs to try to exploit the obvious technicality in that agreement and head for the hershey highway. Remember kids, the proper response to “I just want to take it slow this time” is “that’s cool, call me sometime and let me know how it goes”.

      1. Dammit, I’m gonna have to learn to hit refresh more often.

    5. I think she may be Vampira’s daughter.

    6. Which is it – are they not having sex, or are they doing oral and anal (“anything, but” [snicker] vaginal) every chance they get?

  3. Family Research Center flack supports criminalizing homosexuality.

    So if they get enough voters to pass such a thing into law then Tony will be just fine with it. Right? Democracy and the will of the people right?

    1. Of course he’d support it. Illegal sex is always hotter sex. His flaccid wangnoodle might finally see some action not lubed by his tears.

      1. Illegal sex is the fourth hottest kind, behind beach, elevator and White House.

        1. But are really any of them hotter than “when she’s on the phone with her boyfriend?”

          1. Ooh. That is hot.

          2. “While her dad slept off a drunk 4 feet away” was pretty damned hot.

            1. No drunk dads, but in my younger and more limber days, I did once have sex in a 1979 MG Midget with the top up. Just the once though, because Rubik’s Tetris sex is not very enjoyable.

          3. Put to song by Lustra:

            Fionna’s got him on the phone,
            and she’s trying not to moan.
            It’s a three-way call,
            and he knows nothing.

  4. Amazing, AIG slaps Main Street America in the face one more time! LOL


    1. That’s great. Here’s an excerpt:

      Johnson, the gravel-voiced British singer of Australia’s biggest rock band, has joined a growing group of critics of Geldof and the U2 singer over their very public charity work, saying they should stop lecturing audiences about charity work and instead do their good deeds in private.

      “I do it myself, I don’t tell everybody I’m doing it,” Johnson, 62, told Melbourne’s Herald Sun newspaper.

      “I don’t tell everybody they should give money ? they can’t afford it. When I was a working man I didn’t want to go to a concert for some bastard to talk down to me that I should be thinking of some kid in Africa.”

      He then offered some words of advice to his fellow rockers: “I’m sorry mate, do it yourself, spend some of your own money and get it done. It just makes me angry. I become all tyrannical.”

  5. The IRS is buying shotguns!

    The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) intends to purchase sixty Remington Model 870 Police RAMAC #24587 12 gauge pump-action shotguns for the Criminal Investigation Division. The Remington parkerized shotguns, with fourteen inch barrel, modified choke, Wilson Combat Ghost Ring rear sight and XS4 Contour Bead front sight, Knoxx Reduced Recoil Adjustable Stock, and Speedfeed ribbed black forend, are designated as the only shotguns authorized for IRS duty based on compatibility with IRS existing shotgun inventory, certified armorer and combat training and protocol, maintenance, and parts.;=&ck;=

    1. The obvious question is, why would the IRS prepare for combat?

      1. They aren’t. Somebody said “Dude, we should have shotguns!” and somebody else said “Fuck yeah, man! Shotguns!” Then federal spending happened.

        1. Illiterate much?

          are designated as the only shotguns authorized for IRS duty based on compatibility with IRS existing shotgun inventory, certified armorer and combat training and protocol, maintenance, and parts.

          1. Well, more like “didn’t read your whole post” much, which in this case leads to functional illiteracy.

          2. “Dude, let’s get some fuckin’ shotguns!”
            “Yeah, dude! And let’s, like, get combat training!”

            1. This too.

      2. How else do you expect them to enforce the healthcare insurance requirement?

    2. I should get me one of them. I like my Mossberger, but combat ready it ain’t.

      1. Is “combat ready” like “shovel ready”?

    3. Uhh… 14 inch barrel? That’s 4″ less than the minimum legal barrel length for us little people.

      The only thing a 14″ barrel 12 gauge is good for is killing lots of people really fast and indiscriminately.

      1. Isn’t that “legal without an extra license (tax)”?

      2. Not to mention from a really close distance.

        “Just aim it at his chest. With that thing you can’t miss. And whatever you do, don’t look into his eyes.”

        1. Myth.

          Lessons Learned:
          1. There is almost no difference in the size of the patterns regardless of choke size at home defense distances. Might it make a difference at longer distances? Sure. But I am studying loads for home defense, not deer hunting. And at these distances, there is no real difference.

          2. Some folks said the Modified choke would have “better patterns”. I did not find this to be true.

          3. The main factor in group size seems to be the difference in the brands of ammunition. That means that if we want good patterns, there is no substitute for trying the different loads in your shotgun.

          4. Different shotguns marked with the same choke will often have variances in actual choke diameter. Not a big deal, but chokes are not extremely standardized.

          5. It’s fun to shoot stuff.

        2. “…And whatever you do, don’t look into his eyes…”

          “…they won’t be there for long.”

      3. Actually, it’s real handy when flock shooting coveys of quail that jump up when you’re right on top of them. That’s what I hear anyways.

    4. Dang, those sound like nice shotguns. Premium accessories. I just wish, since I’m paying for them, I got to keep one for myself.

    5. I had some friends who worked with the local office of the IRS just after college. They’ve all recanted, repented, and sought redemption since then, but, at the time, one of them was an armed agent. This was around 1990.

      1. This just proves that Uncle Sam not only can spend money like a drunk sailor on leave, but can collect it like a steroid riddled pimp with a gambling problem.

  6. Skid Marx, i like Spoonman’s interpretation better, because it’s a lot less scary.

  7. One last link, before I have to go to my dreadfully boring meeting:

    “How dare Whole Foods try to encourage their work force to be healthy!”

    While BMI is an incredibly flawed metric, someone with a 30 who is a chiseled weightlifter is a zebra. Much more likely it’s a lardass like me.

    1. I’m a pretty muscley dude, but I’m not even close to 30. I was 32 or something when I was in high school and had 40 pounds of football fat on me.

      A normal person, who doesn’t know what a deadlift is, is going to be a hugely fat fuck if their BMI is 30.

    2. Yeah, that’s rare, I would say. I’m 6’2″, 200lbs, and my wii fit tells me daily that “That’s overweight!.” I hover between a BMI of 25 and 25.5. Sigh…

      1. I, too, am 6’2, 200 pounds. Much more muscle than fat (used to be very little fat, but then I got married, so I’m not quite as toned as I once was), so it’s hard to take some BMI B.S. very seriously. Certainly, my doctor thinks I’m in good shape, so he must blow that crap off, too.

    3. Can’t wait for my petite, marathon running wife to accrue enough hours to smash this test. 20% off at Whole Foods already makes it better than shopping at a normal grocery store so 30% is just ridiculous.

    4. My BMI is 29, and I’m not a hugely fat fuck. Admittedly, 20 pounds off wouldn’t hurt me, but to get into a “healthy” range in BMI means I would have to weigh what I did 20 years when I was on jump status and running 6 miles a day.

  8. Careful not to have a shotgun with a barrel that short. Unless you hate your wife, that is. Then it might be a good tactic to get rid of her.

    1. My new* shotgun has a 28″ barrel, but a 14″ with those fancy barrel extenders would be cool. Like John had in the forth book.

      *Only one I have so it is the newest 🙂


        1. Her Benelli Vinci is cooler than any of my guns too, but I am not going to throw a all-caps tantrum over it.

  9. Warty, are you still on that computer?

    1. If I were married, it would be to the Filipina I keep chained in the basement.

      1. How can you not love a man who so enthusiastically embraces diversity!

      2. How is she going to cook, clean and go shopping if you keep her down there?

        1. She can cook and clean if the chain is long enough.

  10. Ezra Klein is a snivelling little cunt who needs to be violently gang-raped by Andrew Sullivan and his pack of beagles. That is all.

  11. If don’t ask don’t tell is simply repealed, won’t it go back to the old way? They would have to replace don’t ask don’t tell with something new to allow gays to serve, right?

  12. This whole don’t ask don’t tell is bullshit. In 1977 I coached gymnastics at Woodward, a summer camp in PA. It had dance teachers who were gay men. Housing was limited then so about 30 of us slept barracks style in a building known as the coop. There we were, every night, about 6 coaches, 20 young boys an 4 gay men. No one gave it a second thought. The gay guys weren’t hitting on anyone (adult or child) in the coop. Or even in the showers for that matter. Can you imagine the uproar today if gay New York dancers were showering with 12-year-old boys?

    The USA has really gone downhill.

  13. Canadian Premier Danny Williams rejects Canadian health care system and elects to undergo heart surgery at an undisclosed location in the United States.

    Liberal idiot Michael Moore was unavailable for comment.

    1. Oh, that is rich.

  14. In a letter detailing the program, CEO John Mackey explains that it’s an attempt to lower health care costs (since he doesn’t support legislative moves to do so, as we know).

    -from Sugarfree’s link.

    It’s actually impressive to see somebody pack so much stupid in a relatively brief post.

    I have no idea how the BMI works, or is calculated, but once upon a time, at 5’11″/ 215lb I would sink to the bottom of a swimming pool like a rock.

  15. Are we taxpayers still footing the bill for bonuses to Fannie/Freddie execs?

    Time to yank that rug out, Barry!

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