The Most Dangerous Place in Washington

Q: What's the most dangerous place in Washington?

A: Between Chuck Schumer and a camera.

It is an old gag, most frequently applied in recent years to the photogenic senior senator from New York, and deservedly so. Democratic leadership press conferences on C-SPAN nearly always feature Schumer hovering in the corner of the frame.

From the New York Times story I blogged earlier today, this photo:

This hilariously implausible photo op purports to be a spontaneous shot of Schumer poring over the Supreme Court's 183-page campaign finance decision in his office. Because that happens all the time on the Hill.

Caption contest? I think so.

Comments

[Joe Kristan]

Back up, kid, you're blocking the camera!

[Charles Schumer]

So this number right here is my cut, right?

[?]

Seconds earlier: "Hey, kid, you look Jewish. Find the law-talkin' part of this thing for me."

[Tulpa]

BLOND INTERN: See how well I can read upside down, Senator!

SCHUMER: Shut up, bitch!

[Cap'n NoStar]

"Bil Keane should let little Billy pen more of the Family Circus cartoons, just look at the economy of lines and the bold use of color."

[Attorney]

"God, that's a lot words! Does anybody actually read all this stuff?"

[John]

"Man, can't the Supreme Court use more pictures?"

[Ragin Cajun]

"Can one of you give me the executive summary? I'm late for my moob exam."

[Chuck]

I know when I'm wearing Banlon, I've noticed a lot of jiggling.

[John Lutz]

It's not what you think! Its something I wear to support my breasts.

[heller]

Lutz! Lutz! Lutz! Lutz! Lutz! Lutz!

[rho]

"Check it out, it's scratch-n-sniff!"

[Fist of Etiquette]

"No, Senator, it's not the lavender shirt, the plastic beads or the rainbow rape whistle that people find objectionable in that particular photo. It's the man boobs."

[NeonCat]

Photogenic? Camera hog, sure, but in my day photogenic meant something you wanted to look at.

[LarryA]

Photophilic, maybe.

[Corduroy Rocks]

Th.. th... the c c c c cat in the h h h h...

Fuck this reading shit, I'll become a politician.

[smartass sob]

win!

[ClubMedSux]

"Hey, according to the charter, as senior senator, I'm supposed to get a pig every month . . . and 'two comely lasses of virtue true.'"

[John]

Read your town charter, boy. If any foodstuff shall touch the ground, said foodstuff shall become the property of the village idiot. Since I don't see him around, start shoveling!

[wylie]

*Pouring over the 1932 Sears Catalog*

Schumer: Oh yeah, that's what i want for X-mas!

[DJF]

"So we are all agreed, nothing in this bill will negatively effect my taxes, my salary or my pension?"

[SugarFree]

"This is Chuck. Chuck had bitch tits. Eight months ago, Chuck's testicles were removed. Then hormone therapy. He developed bitch tits because his testosterone was too high and his body upped the estrogen. And that was where I fit... Between those huge sweating tits that hung enormous, the way you'd think of God's as big."

[Hank]

"The first rule of Buttfuck the Taxpayer Club is, well, buttfuck the taxpayer!"

[Kevin]

Though the portfolio bomb was detonated as planned, the intern had failed to learn a valuable lesson from Operation Valkyrie. Once again, the course of history was changed by a simple table leg.

[P Brooks]

"Sally, you be sure and hold the camera steady, and get a good shot of my face when I come in Sam's mouth. After we get cleaned up, I'll take you kids out for pizza!"

[Adam]

I don't know about captions, but do they not have tailors in D.C.?

[Nick]

"So, there's no limit to the money I can beg for now? Awesome. Begging's my thing."

[Andrew]

"So, should I order an egg roll to go with your General Tso's Chicken and Wonton Soup?"

[PM770]

"Make sure you don't wake him up, just place his hand on highlighted portions"

[Kevin]

"This chart shows that we get twice as many replies when we troll as Tony or Chad as we do when we troll as crayon."

[SugarFree]

Bravo.

[miklen]

+1

[Andrew S.]

Ding ding ding, we have a winner.

[Death Panelist]

Here we see Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) and aides reviewing the many offers, from both sides of the aisle, to co-sponsor his latest legislative initiative, the Comprehensive Non-Gender Specific Mammarian Protuberance Support Subsidization Act of 2010 (alternately known as the Manzier Bill).

[SugarFree]

Chuck's intern farted a little bit when she leaned forward. Just a little fart. A little dainty lady fart like she might let slip in church standing to to sing a hymn, or sliding forward into the stir-ups for a gynecological exam.

Chuck pretended not to notice, but he had a hard time denying the burgeoning erection filling the plain but tight cotton panties he wore. He tried to focus on the paperwork before him, but his eyes were drawn repeatedly to the exciting words in the text: tax, mandate, penalty... the sinuous sumptuousness of redistribution.

Re-dis-tri-bu-tion. Five syllables. An entire first line of a haiku. A haiku he could write about her. Her and her little fart.

[JW]

+2

[DRATER]

winnner, and champion of the thread...

[The Art-P.O.G.]

You are truly disturbed, SugarFree. We wouldn't have it any other way.

[GILMORE]

You have a unique talent

[JW]

"This one?" "Yes, you're in it."

"This one too?" Yes, that one too."

"What about that one?" "No, but we'll photoshop you in. The purple shirt with the bitch titties again?"

[The Art-P.O.G.]

Heh. Nicely played.

[smartass sob]

Right here, sir - make your mark right here.

[jash]

"Well, yes, Senator, I suppose that styling gel and make-up could be considered un-reimbursed job expenses."

"Good one, sir."

[Brian Lockwood]

"There he is. Now, where are the wizard and the Scroll? The Scroll is always the hardest one."

[Abdul]

"According to the small print on your ticket, you can't be kicked off an airplane for calling the stewardess a 'bitch,' but you might have screwed up when you said you'd kick her in the vagina until you lost your shine."

[Rich]

"Senator! Look! Our picture's in *Hit&Run;*!!"

[The Art-P.O.G.]

Wait...the picture we're looking at is the picture they're looking at in the picture? My head's about to explode!

[creech]

"This here's the 183 page list of all the banks that will be leaving NYC when the President's banking reform bill is passed."

[Geena]

Gotta go for the Simpsons quote: "Oh, Ziggy; will you never win?"

[Hank]

Male intern: "Senator, look, look, it's the new Senatorial Bro and Thong catalogue. You made the cover after all."

Female intern: "How exciting Senator. This model here not only gives you that extra lift, but will match your Obama kaleidoscopic thong!"

Senator Schumer: "He,he,he. Oh stop. You kids pick me something out special for health care debate on c-span." (wink) "I need to run. I have to meet Barney for a butthole bleeching at the Senate Spa!" "He,he,he."

[Solanum]

Holy shit, look at the size of that guy's feet. He has to be kin to Steve Smith.

[R C Dean]

the photogenic senior senator from New York,

No. Not photogenic.

I think phototropic is the word you were grasping for, but missed.

[Thom]

Self-important Senate aides often show serious deficiencies in regards to fashion. Poorly fitting lady-suits abound.

[Slut Bunwalla]

"Oh dear, I'm sorry, wrong file. This isn't the Supreme Court decision, it's just a printout of my cybersex roleplay from last night. But I guess no one here is interested in reading that, are they? Eh?"

[Tommy Grand]

i would hit that

[oldtimer]

"Can we wait 'til it comes out in Cliff's Notes?"

[heller]

"There's Waldo, see? He's on the roller coaster behind the cotton candy machine."

[heller]

Caption: "Senator Schumer and staff play Where's Waldo?"

[H man]

See these pictures of lobster girl will distract the libertarians from our evil plans.

[BeesInTheBrain]

And here is the section excluding senators from the death panel review.

[Invisible Finger]

"And you sign right here. DNR? That stands for.... Democratic National Resuscitation or something like that."

[Paul]

Ok, Mr Schumer, if you look here, closely, you'll note a different use of 'to'. In the English language we have "to", "too" and "two" and their usage is often confused...

[Paul]

Here... let me just erase this section, and I think you'll like it better.

[Paul]

I understand sir, but even if I sit down, I'll still look taller than you.

[Slut Bunwalla]

+1

[alan]

But, Chuck, you keep getting elected under the current rules of the game in spite of the fact that you totally suck as a human being. The current system that allows that to happen is obviously flawed.

[Pro Libertate]

"See, the best way to win is to take Australia early."

[andy]

South America! always...

[Johnny Mooncakes]

"The lighting is better if you leave off the light that you'd actually be using to read that"

[Mr. Chartreuse]

"Sir, I really don't think we can shut the Ghostbusters down with the EPA, they're fictional characters"

[Crystalmcb]

"Is that Waldo? No, dammit this is hard!"

[chris]

"But, it says here, if we spend another five dollars we can get two free egg rolls. You sure you don't want the wonton soup?"

[Schwebs]

"oh no girlfriend! she did not just wear that to the golden globes!"

[tired dog]

Any SJL quotes on her losing the 'don't you get nowhere near between me and that camera boy' title? Got to get a hobby, too many thoughts of wrapping hands around Chuckies' chicken neck...

[Dogzilla]

"Left to Right: Leelee Sobieski, Senator Schumer, David Weigel"