I Won't Even Subject You To the Horrors of Our Three Stooges Ward


You'd think the essentials of safety have by now been absorbed by all movie viewers: If there's an explosion, just walk or jump toward the camera and you'll be fine. Don't get killed in virtual reality or you'll die in real life. Don't show anybody pictures of your wife and kids unless you're the hero and you're rescuing them or avenging their deaths. And if your enemy's lying dead on the ground, for God's sake don't walk up and lean over the body.

But a new test screening card from U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says Hollywood is still not up to government safety code on seat belts, bike helmets and proper boating safety.

Spielberg should add some digital bike helmets to this shot.

Results of a CDC study on how safety is presented in G and PG movies, penned by epidemiologist Jon Eric Tongren, will be published in the February issue of Pediatrics. The report does not appear to be online. Early reviews say Hollywood's onscreen safety performance is getting better, but still needs to show improvement:

In the 2003 Christmas movie Elf, for example, actor Will Ferrell gets knocked down by a taxi while crossing the street. He gets back up without a scratch, but at least he was was walking in a crosswalk.

Tongren said the scene minimizes the accident's dangers and may give young children a false sense of safety.

Two years later, in the 2005 comedy Yours, Mine and Ours, about a family with 18 children, the youngsters wore life-jackets during a boat trip, but their parents did not.

BusinessWeek wheels in a pediatrician to explain how you can raise green-threat-level kids in a yellow-alert culture:

[Dr. Barbara] Gaines said, "If you're watching a movie with your child and there's a major scene where someone didn't buckle up, give your kid a nudge, and say something like, 'Uh-oh, what did that guy forget to do?'"

It would be redundant to point out that these reports (CDC has put out two previous ones) are as asinine and philistine as anything put out by Will Hays' office, so I'll just point out that these reports are as asinine and philistine as anything put out by Will Hays' office. But because the report takes on easy targets like Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus (proud upholders of hillbilly accents in this boring monoculture), rather than requiring Tallulah Bankhead to put panties on or something classy like that, the liberals eat it up.

NEXT: ObamaCare and the Commerce Clause

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  1. I watched the original Bad News Bears last night. In addition to being a really well written good movie, it serves as a time capsule to how free we once were. Walter Matheau has the kids make him martinis and drives around with nine of them packed in old convertable while he drinks beer. If they made a movie like that now people would have a stroke.

    1. That’s not the problem with the Bad News Bears. It’s that one of the kids smokes. Those kids could be buying prostitutes with their lunch money, but put a cigarette in their mouths? Now we have a problem.

    2. Oh, for the good old days when intoxicated driving was viewed as a funny thing.

  2. They should do a Three Stooges film as a drama. Three guys who keep insulting each other and beating each other up.

    1. “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.”

      -Mel Brooks

    2. It would be billed as a character study of three siblings and their struggle through markedly different personalities to find common ground within the realm of life’s daily difficulties.

  3. proper boating safety

    “This was no BOATING ACCIDENT!”

  4. Also from Dr. Gaines: “It’s like when you watch animated cartoons and the character gets smooshed and then pops right back up. It makes me wonder what the impact of that is?” she said.

    The 20th anniversary of the Simpsons?

    1. The religious right-wing thought Bart Simpson would take over our children.

      Remember when schools were banning Bart T-shirts?

  5. When I was five I saw a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. It minimised the law of gravity and gave me a false sense of security.

    1. Actually, those cartoons made me the rich, top hat-wearing capitalist that I am today. See, I invested all of my allowance money in Acme Corporation.

    2. Because of the number of people seriously injured in falls, Congress is seriously thinking of repealing the law of gravity.

  6. Is there any worse childhood than being raised by Dr. Barbara Gaines?

    “Put your goggles on! Now go back to your bubble-room!”

  7. Mom Gaines: “Uh-oh, what did that guy forget to do?”

    Kid Gaines: “I dunno, but I bet he’d remember to keep his mouth shut while I’m trying to watch the god damned movie!”


      1. I have to ask – what does this stand for? There are a whole bunch of letters I’m not used to seeing lumped in with the normal acronym.

        1. big hairy fat . . . perhaps

          1. Begging Handouts Forever?

        2. Rolling on the floor laughing my big hairy fat ass off.

          ROTFLMTIAS would have worked too.

  8. I heard a report on Foxnews a little while ago stating that American teens are more depressed than ever before. I have to wonder how much of the depression is a result of having to live in a anti-septic bruise proof cocoon?

    1. “Septic Bruise Cocoon” is a phrase whose time has come.

      1. “Septic Bruise Cocoon” would be an excellent name for a rock band

    2. Was that based on the amount of anti-depressants being prescribed? Which is probably being over-prescribed. Kid feels sad, give him a pill and make him a statistic.

      1. If I heard right (I was in the other room) it had to do with MMPI results. Sorry for not having a link to possible study results.

  9. If they made a movie like that now people would have a stroke.

    No, if they made a movie like that now it would star Billy Bob Thornton and not be funny.

    1. That’s crazy talk, man.

  10. I figured out movies weren’t real the first time I tried to fly by jumping off the back of the couch and landing on my head. The learning curve is pretty steep when it comes to movies and reality.

    1. You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher’s mitt, but my dad wouldn’t get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

      1. You don’t say.

  11. True story: When I was 5, my mother had to stop me from jumping off the elevated back porch of our house after seeing Mary Poppins. I was ready to go with my umbrella (no chimney sweep hat, alas).

    Clearly, ol’ Walt made the movie as a proxy snuff piece.

    1. Was Mary Poppins an undercover Jew or something?

      1. Wouldn’t that be under the sheet Jew?

    2. jumping off the elevated back porch of our house after seeing Mary Poppins

      I believe it. My cousin and I did the same thing. We found an umbrella at the dump. We climbed a tree. Luckily for me, he went first.

    3. Um, make it a third…although we didn’t have an “elevated back porch”, so mine was only off a bench (albeit onto a concrete floor now), and it was Peter Pan we were watching. Damn you Walt Disney, damn you.

  12. Buckle up you stupid cracker!

    1. Dat’s wacist!

  13. I remember sticking my foot out and tripping my little brother as he ran full steam ahead across the front porch. It wasn’t as funny in real-life as it was on the TV. Nor was the time I blew pepper into his face.

    Lucky for him, I eventually realized you couldn’t trust the TV.

    1. I once pulled a chair out from under my little sister just as she was sitting down (I timed it perfectly- not bad for a four-year-old). Telling my dad that it was really funny on cartoons didn’t go over so well.

      Despite this unsafe behavior, we both survived to adulthood.

      1. But it’s just pretend violence, which is actually beneficial for children.

      2. It’s even funnier when you do it to a four-year-old.

  14. Yeah, film and television has gotten more free in someways and less free in others.

    You can get away with showing tits and in some cases full frontal nudity. And you can swear, and show body part dismemberment, and raunchy sex.

    But on the other hand, you have to worry about stupid shit like seatbelts and smoking. And your ability to work with animals, including horses, is so limited that it’s easier to CGI them in.

  15. From the CTV article:

    “Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana is idolized by millions of teen girls across the world. And all Miley and her father had to was buckle up to have an impact on showing appropriate injury prevention practices.

    “They didn’t buckle up in this particular scene, so perhaps the next morning when these teenage girls are going to school, they might not buckle up, saying ‘If Hannah doesn’t do it, then maybe we don’t have to do it either’.”

    There are already seat belt laws in every state but New Hampshire (and nationwide in CTV’s native Canada). What more do these pantswetters want?

    1. “Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana is idolized by millions of teen girls”

      That’s begging the question! Is it Hannah or is it Miley? Can one girl really have the best of both worlds?

      1. The big question isn’t when she’ll go bad, it’s how bad she’ll go. My guess is that she’ll avoid complete collapse and land somewhere slightly above Britney.

        1. But you know she has to die in the end. For the harvest.

        2. Hillary Duff seems to have avoided hitting the Self-Destruct button. Maybe it could happen twice.

          1. Nah, the signs are all there.

      2. Am I the only one to get the pun? Dammitalltohell.

    2. For the record, every time Batman and Robin (Bruce Ward TV version) jumped into the Batmobile, we got a shot of them buckling up.

      1. So we can be safe!

        1. Considering how Batman drove, this is a good thing.

    3. I thought the goal of buckling up was to NOT have an impact.

  16. Off topic, but I just had an idea for Hit & Run for April 1: Going from “Free Minds and Free Markets” to “All Shatner, All the Time.” Not the magazine, just the blog.

    1. It’s already about 40% Shatner all the time. What would be the benefit?

      HA! Trick question! The benefit, of course, is all Shatner, all the time.


      1. And it will bring in that coveted French-Canadian demographic!

        It would be so easy to run a whole day’s worth of posts on Shatner. Shit, you could do it for a month and not tap out the post-producing bonanza that is the Shat.

  17. “He’s walking across a crosswalk — which is a good thing — but he doesn’t look both ways before crossing. He gets hit by a taxi and he jumps right back up, no harm done, and continues on his way,” Tongren explained to CTV’s Canada AM Monday.

    “In reality, that’s probably not what’s going to happen. Someone who gets hit by a taxi might end up in the hospital rather than jumping up and continuing on their way.”

    And in A Fish Called Wanda, Otto was crushed with a steamroller, and in a later scene is observed hanging just outside one of the windows of a jetliner in flight. In real life, that’s probably not going to happen, either.

    1. Otto wasn’t crushed; he was pushed into wet concrete.

      1. Which didn’t really make sense either since you don’t use a steamroller on concrete.

        1. And they’re not “steam”rollers any more either. They’ve been using gasoline or diesel engines for years.

          1. You forget, that scene was set in the UK.

      2. The details don’t matter. What matters is that K-K-K-Ken C-c-c-came and K-k-k-killed him.

        If I remember correctly, Kevin Kline had to apologize to various groups of stutterers because of the callous mockery his character toward Michael Palin’s character.

  18. this is off topic as well. If this is true, I’m moving farther south. Damnable global warming.

    1. Right now, global warming sounds like a good plan. Tampa is no place for sustained chilliness.

    2. The science is settled

    3. I hope it is true. Then I won’t have to move farther north. (I’m not trying to get away from BB, I just like snow)

    4. Come out to AZ, if it wasn’t for the damn dresscodes at my work, I’d be wearing sandals right now.

    5. That’s a pretty big conclusion to come to from one cold month.

    6. hmmmmmmmm…

  19. And if your enemy’s lying dead on the ground, for God’s sake don’t walk up and lean over the body.

    Yeah, this one never made sense to me. Most of the villains in question don’t have a lot else to be doing with their day that day, so they can take some time to do things right here. If your opponent goes down, just be thankful for the stationary target and put another clip’s worth of bullets into the prone form. And then, just in case he’s just wounded, hang around in your secure position for a few hours to make sure he bleeds out. Is this really so hard?

    1. No kidding. Dunno about the whole clip, but an anchor shot is mandatory when dealing with any dangerous game.

      1. Then dig this shit, which I *hope* is not true.

        1. Sounds like a classic internet urban legend to me. It has all the hallmarks: no real details, designed to get your blood boiling, and of course the admonition to “pass it on!”

    2. Bullets are cheap. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Or thrice.

    3. “Lucius: So now I’m in deep trouble. I mean, one more jolt of this death ray and I’m an epitaph. Somehow I manage to find cover and what does Baron von Ruthless do?
      Bob: [laughing] He starts monologuing.
      Lucius: He starts monologuing! He starts like, this prepared speech about how feeble I am compared to him, how inevitable my defeat is, how the world will soon be his, yadda yadda yadda.
      Bob: Yammering.
      Lucius: Yammering! I mean, the guy has me on a platter and he won’t shut up!”

      1. I love The Incredibles.

      2. I saw a behind-the-scenes show on the incredibles. The animator of this scene was talking about what an amazing opportunity it was to animate two guys sitting in a dark car having a converstation. He said this just doesn’t happen in animation.

      3. Actually, I can forgive you if you are overcome by the impulse to do some monologuing. Anyone who grew up watching TV and movies thinks they’re SUPPOSED to monologue in that situation. The opportunity to monologue is probably what attracted you to villainy in the first place. You know, that and all the tail. So monologue away. But empty your clip into the hero before you do it, that’s all I’m saying.

        1. For those not familiar with The Top 100 Things I’d Do
          If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
          , you should become familiar with it right now.

        2. Tuco: When you have to shoot, shoot, don’t talk.

  20. If silly people want to worry about this stuff, good for them. But why the hell is this anything to do with the CDC? I don’t think that getting hit by taxicabs or falling out of a boat are diseases. What fucking disease is controlled by wearing a life jacket or seatbelt?

    1. “What fucking disease is controlled by wearing”

      Water of the lung.

  21. All I can say is: The car wrecks in the A-Team movie had *better* be as innocuous as they were on the TV show.


    1. Forget the car crashes. The thing that killed me was that week after week, hordes of bad guys would send thousands of rounds toward the A-team without ever hitting them!

      I can’t even remember if they even scored a flesh wound. We are lucky the Ruskies weren’t watching because if they had been, you would have to forgive them for thinking that any invasion would suffer more casualties from souped up vans than from bullets.

  22. The former Alaska Governor has signed a multi-year deal to serve as a contributor to Fox News, effective immediately. “I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News,” Palin said in a statement.

    That’s a lot of money for a new weather girl.

    1. It takes the expertise of a beauty queen to be able to smile and point to areas on a blue screen correctly.

    2. It takes the expertise of a beauty queen to be able to smile and point to areas on a blue screen correctly.

      1. It takes the expertise of a libertarian queen to be able to smile and post once correctly.

  23. Maybe the CDC should warn people about the dangers of watching Avatar.

    “Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it,” Mike posted. “I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ ”…..index.html

    1. “I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’

      Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    2. Take the leap, dude.

    3. Cracked on Avatar.

      The humans want to get rid of us, and use up all of our resources. They are raping our planet.

      What? You guys are the rape planet, you rape hello out here.

      And I say NO MORE. The rape of our planet will not continue.

      You are currently sticking your dick in a tree.

  24. idolized by millions of teen girls

    Pre-teens, sure, but by the time you get to high school you better be done with that Disney Channel shit and catch a clue or you’re gonna be in for a big shock when the pill doesn’t work because you were on anti-biotics and you’re sitting in a Planned Parenthood not wondering about the irony of the company name because you’re crying frightened tears and asking Mom why he said he loved you when he really doesn’t. Hope you don’t have VD and grow the fuck up.

    1. If a girl is still into Disney by the time she hits high school, I highly doubt she’s getting laid. The girls I knew who got knocked up in their teens were not staying home watching the Disney channel, they were out being “bad asses”.

  25. proud upholders of hillbilly accents in this boring monoculture

    Ahem, that’s “Hillbonics”.

    1. Yep – “hillibilly” is straight up racist

  26. Don’t get killed in virtual reality or you’ll die in real life. Don’t show anybody pictures of your wife and kids unless you’re the hero and you’re rescuing them or avenging their deaths. And if your enemy’s lying dead on the ground, for God’s sake don’t walk up and lean over the body.

    You forgot, “DON’T GO IN THERE!!”

  27. You can tell who the breeders are by their posts.

  28. Results of a CDC study on how safety is presented in G and PG movies, penned by epidemiologist Jon Eric Tongren

    The sad part? This guy draws a salary. And is presumably an employee in good standing. And he earns more than you do.

    1. Even sadder is that the CDC, in theory, is really something that the government has some business doing. Or it would be if they actually read their name from time to time and tried controlling some diseases.

      1. I am kinda curious wht the CDC has ownership of abandoned missile silos in eastern Washington?

        1. For when they have to launch a serum dispersal missile with the human race saving airborne vaccination? – prepared for us by glaxo-smith-klein (TM) in partnership with haliburton (TM)

          I’m just going back to the corner and put my tinfoil helmet back on… mutter mutter mutter

      2. Good point. If I were made king and could take an axe the the federal government the CDC would be one of the few things that would survive. Controling contagious disease is a core government function. But at some point in the last 40 years personal choices became “health issues”.

        1. You would have to deposed for keeping the CDC. Sorry, not a core function, for liberty, that is.

          1. WTF? I think defending the borders and dealing with interstate commerce and disease is about all the Feds should be doing.

  29. Movies? What about video games?

    The first time my daughter drove a real car, she looked over at me after driving over two curbs and said, “It sure isn’t the same as driving on Mario Kart.”

  30. I am kinda curious wht the CDC has ownership of abandoned missile silos in eastern Washington?

    “Gentlemen, we cannot afford a Mine Shaft GAP!”

    1. It has something to do with an Andromeda strain they are developing.

  31. “It sure isn’t the same as driving on Mario Kart.”

    Was she on the sidewalk when she said that (I hope)?

    1. Briefly.

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