Why All Living Congressmen Should Be Sent on the Slow Boat to Mauritius, Forever


If you ever see me on TV, being led away in handcuffs with a glazed look in my eye, as bewildered friends and neighbors explain that I always seemed like a nice guy, it will be after something like this:

A House subcommittee approved legislation Wednesday aimed at forcing college football to switch to a playoff system to determine a national champion, over the objections of some lawmakers who said Congress had more pressing matters.

Not enough of a college football fan, probably

The bill, which faces long odds of becoming law, would ban the promotion of a postseason NCAA Division I football game as a national championship unless that title contest is the result of a playoff.

The measure passed by voice vote in a House Energy and Commerce Committee subcommittee, with one audible "no," from Rep. John Barrow, D-Ga.

"With all due respect, I really think we have more important things to spend our time on," Barrow said before the vote, although he stressed he didn't like the current Bowl Championship Series, either. […]

The subcommittee chairman, Rep. Bobby Rush, an Illinois Democrat who co-sponsored the bill, said, "We can walk and chew gum at the same time."

The only salve on this particular wound is that when I conducted a Google Image search on Rep. "Bobby Rush" (not pictured above), for the purposes of making fun of him, well, go see for yourself.


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  1. This is worse than a waste of time. This is an infringement on freedom. The NCAA can run any system they want. They can choose a national champion by random selection if they like. This bill tells them that they must determine a champion by playoff.

    1. but the NCAA will never do it because they are elitist, and our congress wants to bring these elitist down to earth, wherever they are found!

      1. I hope the NCAA gets screwed. Fuck those colluding, monopolistic fucks. I hope they get their anti-trust exemption yanked.

        1. I have the same thoughts about the NFL. I hate those greedy pricks. When I was a kid, I could typically see 6 games a week on a set top antenna that only got 3 channels, for free. Now I have 300+ channels that I pay an exorbitant price for, along with ESPN and NFL network and I still cannot see more than 6 games a week. And if I want to see the games I really want to see, they want me to stick an ugly ass pizza pan on my house, cut down all the trees in my yard to get line of sight, and pay $300 a year! Bastards, I would gladly pay $10 on a pay per view like basis just to see the games I want. But the control freaks won’t allow that. I hate them. Sometimes I want to stop watching NFL and watch soccer or something awful like that… but I can’t do it…

  2. good that Rush is doing this – makes him less productive.

    However, bad that this football garbage is getting in the way of what they should be doing: shutting the hell up and getting out of our faces.

    that about cover it, PJ?

  3. Just let your Soul Glow….

    1. I’d like you to give it up for my band….Sexual Chocolate. Don’t they play so fine?

      1. “The royal penis is clean Your Highness.”

  4. The really depressing aspect of this is that nobody is saying it’s none of Congress’s business, but rather that they have better ways to spend their time. It’s taken as a given that they can do whatever they please, Constitution be damned.

    1. Exactly. What right do they have to tell the NCAA how to run their business? Hell maybe they should outlaw the designated hitter.

      1. i wouldn’t mind congressional intrusion into the NHL – eliminate the fucking shootout.

        1. The shootout needs to go for sure. But if it doesn’t, why is there still one point awarded for a regulation tie? Wtf? The whole justification for the stupid point for a regulation tie was to keep teams from packing it in during the 5-minute overtime and simply playing to protect their one point for a tie instead of going for a win. But now that they end every game with a “winner” one way or another, that justification is gone so why does the losing team still get a point? It is beyond stupid. If it were up to me I’d do away with all regular season overtime and simply call it a tie.

          1. You people prefer a tie instead, eh? Not that the shootout isn’t one of the most awful things ever, but a tie? This is America dammit! (And Canada, I suppose.) At least it decides the game, and forces players like my boy Malkin to practice the effing breakaway.

            I suppose you also want an executive order bringing back the 2-line offside pass. Smaller goaltending equipment by UN resolution? NATO directive for Olympic-size ice? Bah!

            1. I’m all for the tie. I thought it was totally stupid to take it out of college football. No better way to see what your coach is made of than to see if he risks the win or settles for the tie.

            2. Heh. 🙂 But no, I just don’t think a tie during the regular season is that big of a deal. There are 82 games which is more than enough to determine the the teams deserving of a playoff spot even with ties. But if they must have a winner, then have a freakin’ loser too – the one point for an overtime / shootout loss is pathetic.

              As for your other points, no I don’t want the 2-line offside pass back, but I would love to see the NHL use Olympic size rinks. Of course I realize the physical constraints of the existing facilities makes this a non-option, but it would improve the game.

            3. Malkin is no boy… He is a man. All man…

          2. I say make em’ work for the points and settle games like they do in the playoffs – continuous 5 on 5 sudden death

            1. The only problem I see is that in any playoff game the stakes are high enough to justify a potentially long drawn out battle for a win. But I am not sure anyone wants to sit though a 6 hour four-overtime marathon for a battle between bottom of the division teams on a cold night in November. Nor is it probably worth risking injuries for the players. If you can’t beat a team in 60 minutes then maybe you just don’t deserve to win — but then neither do they. The fact that neither side goes home happy is fitting for such a result.

            2. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not get crazy. You are asking television networks to accept the possibility of three or four or more overtime periods sans commercial breaks. That’s fine for the playoffs, confined within a tiny two-month window of time, but the regular season? Are you mad?

              1. that’s just my personal preference. i know that would never happen and realize the cost to pretty much everyone involved from the icewhores who scrape the surface during the tv time-outs to the poor bastard watching the quintuple-overtime Hurricanes v Islanders 0-0 game in October.
                One of the best proposals for ending regular seasons games I’ve heard is 4-on-4 for 5 minutes then 3-on-3 for 5 minutes and then a shootout with the idea that the increasing amount of open ice will lead to more OT wins than shootouts.

                1. How about, instead of the shootout, if nothing is scored after the 3-on-3, they go to 2-on-2, then just one forward each, and after that, the goalies fire at each others net from anywhere their side of center red? Picture in your mind how glorious that would be.

                  1. followed by goalie Ice Gladiator(tm) death matches?

                    1. Meh. I’m in my car on the way home by then.

                    2. you sound like my mom.

                    3. And here we all sounded just like real congressmen until you brought your mom into it.

                    4. she leaves with five minutes left to everything “because of the parking lot” and it drives me batty.

                    5. @ about 20 sec in, #29 is sc winner mafleury.


                    6. Sorry, for nipplemancer @ 5:30.

            3. I’ve never liked sudden death. Just play a full extra period. Same goes for the NFL. Though there’s nothing wrong with a tie. Two teams being equal is just fine.

              I know you want to ask. Yes I watch soccer

              1. You should have said the soccer thing up front. Then I would have known to skip your comment altogether. Soccer. The only time that’s interesting is when the fans start pounding on each other, and even that gets old quick.

        2. forgot to mention Get. Rid. Of. The. Fucking. Trapezoid.

          1. Yeah, I’d go for that. But I’d also like to see the goalie face some risk for deciding to wander out of his net to stop the puck. Make him like any other player when not in the crease – if he comes out of the goal to play the puck he should be free to check like anyone else.

            1. the goalie should be untouchable as long as he’s within arm’s reach of the net, any further than that and it should be open season. let them shoot on open nets!!!

      2. And while we’re at it, what’s with the 60’6″ distance from the rubber to home plate?
        Why can’t it be an even 60′?

        1. That extra six inches has to go. Bureaucrats like round numbers.

          1. 20 meters, bitches.

            1. Not while we’re ruling the planet, buddy.

          2. Odd, my wife said the same thing last night.

        2. Which of the two bogus versions do you want to hear?

          1. Has to do with the width of the rubber.

          2. Misread of the original diagram. The second zero in 60′ 0″ looked like a 6.

        3. It would make it easier for Obama to reach the plate when he’s throwing the first pitch.

          1. My understanding was the pitching area was initially a box that began 60 feet away and was 6 inches wide

      3. Don’t give them any ideas… But yeah, my first reaction was exactly the same – it’s not that they have more important matters, it’s that they have no fucking business legislating in this area at all. Of course, it has been many years since that quaint notion was any kind of restraint on congressional action.

  5. maybe we could trade these musical acts. Straight up.

  6. Excepting Paul and Flake I agree wholeheartedly.

  7. Mauritius is too nice. Send them to Tuvalu.

    1. I hear the Maldives are nice.

    2. Actually, I meant to say Nauru. But Tuvalu would be good too if it does actually end up sinking under rising sea levels.

    3. Not sure why Welch would want to send congress people to one of the most beautiful places in the world. He’s married to a French woman and she hasn’t introduced him to Europe’s Hawaii?

  8. Yeah, the BCS sucks. So do Pauly Shore movies and ICP songs. Yet I don’t see Rep. Rush proposing any laws dealing with those travesties.

    I really don’t think that fucking dipshits in congress need to be mandating how a miniscule protion of the entertainment business operates.

    1. considering how gosh-darned entertaining they are, it’s sort of like an anti hollywood whose job is to entertain while LOSING trillions.

  9. If rewriting the rules for the NFL can stop them from rewriting the rules for healthcare let them at it. But – unfortunately – that is not likely to be the case.

  10. In lieu of a playoff if Texas wins the BCS championship game will the bill’s sponsor, GOP Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, promise not to refer to Texas as the national champisons?

  11. Next they’ll be whining about who make the playoffs and how they’re seeded.

  12. As a Kansas fan I don’t worry about these things.

  13. Bobby Lee Rush (born November 23, 1946, Albany, Georgia) is a convicted felon (illegal firearms possession) and an American politician from Illinois.

    I like the ordering.

    J sub D, I know for a fact that you drink Faygo at clown parties.

    1. That’s Juggalo parties to you, clown.

    2. Why I do drink Faygo (I’m not paying for multi-millionaire spokesmen to tout caffeinated sugar water)I have never been to a clown party or a party where a clown was even invited.

      I’ve slept with crack whores in alleys that reeked of urine, but dammit, I have my pride.

  14. Even if the bill succeeded in passing, it would do nothing to alter the current system. They’d merely call it “The Doritos Big Game That By An Act Of Congress Can’t Be Called The Championship Game.”

  15. Other sports legislation:

    -Fouls in basketball must be intentional interference. It shouldn’t be a foul just because the other guy knew how to run into you just the right way.

    -No timeouts in the last 2 minutes of regulation play… in any sport. Get the fuck on with it already.

    -Minimum standards of cheerleader attractiveness set for by a national committee of overweight, bearded photographic archivists.

    1. I’d be happy if they just enforced the traveling rule once in a while. Geniuses like LeBron James would be merely great without those extra two steps to the rim.

      1. They enforce the rule – 1 step per year in the league. Duh.

      2. so – 1) do you think refs influence the outcomes of some NBA games?

        2) do you think LeBron going to Cleveland was fixed?

        3) is there a deal that’s getting him to NY? (E.g., Greenie on Mike and Mike throwing out incorrect reasons why LeBron would like the yankees)

        do you think there’s a level of corruption in sports that does influence the outcomes of certain games?

        even if all that were true, keep the freakin congress out of it. dammit, man

    2. And for the last minute of every NBA quarter, the 20-point goal must be lowered from the ceiling.

      1. Ban the timeout.

        1. Oh, sorry, SF. I’ll stick with the total timeout ban, but you did go first.

          DH must go, too. Along with anything other than a starting pitcher.

          1. Nothing wrong with relief pitchers, but each should have to pitch to at least 3 batters before being removed.

            1. Full inning. I say full inning, because I’m makin’ ’em hit, too.

              Damn, power feels good.

  16. This much more constitutional than most of the stuff they do. Personally, I oppose anti-trust legislation, but this is just standard cartel busting. I dont see why so many people make a big deal over it.

    1. They aren’t busting the cartel at all. They’re try to reinforce it.

    2. Could not agree more. I’d love to see them screwing around with this kind of thing all the time instead of all the destructive and tyrannical crap they are trying to pull. I would be overjoyed if they would just legislate sports rules all the time. Of course, sports would no longer be worth watching after a while they would have them so fucked up, but better that than our entire lives.

  17. In lieu of a playoff if Texas wins the BCS championship game will the bill’s sponsor, GOP Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, promise not to refer to Texas as the national champisons?

    Barton is an Aggie, IIRC, so Im assuming that would be an easy “Yes”.

  18. Which Congressional constituency is more powerful–the one representing the AL or the NL?

  19. Pro Lib,

    Without doing any electoral math, there are 16 NL teams and only 14 AL, so I would guess the NL. Plus, people who like the DH dont deserve a vote.

  20. robc – but how would it shake out in New York or Chicago with two teams?

    agreed about the DH – or: NL ball is more fun.

    1. It’s a moral imperative.

    2. Oh, here comes the pitcher up to bat with one out and a runner on first. I wonder if he’ll bunt. Feel the strategy flowing through your veins! This is so exciting!

      Oooh, here comes the manager to the mound to yank the pitcher, who’s due up second in the next inning. I wonder if he’ll do a double switch! Wow, this makes the game sooooo much more interesting!


      1. And that’s not even considering the intentional walk to the #8 hitter with two out (another automatic if there are runners on base in a close game). Face it, the DH makes the game more interesting.

        1. What nonsense! A decent number of pitchers can hit, too.

  21. VM:

    I would split NYC and give upstate NY to the Yankees.

    Chicago: Split chicago metro, give rest of upstate Illinois to the Cubs and downstate to the Cards.

    1. Western NYS is divided pretty evenly between Indians, Jays, and Yankees fans actually.

  22. works for this citizen!

    ProGlib – and the license plates in your underwear.

  23. The best possible outcome:

    This stupid shit gets passed.

    The NCAA goes Galt. No college football on Saturdays next year.

    Working class America gets pissed enough to revolt.

    The majority of congressmen get their heads fitted for pikes.

    Washington is torched.

    For the next several generations America is effectively an Anarcho-Capitalist land mass as the cowardly political class becomes too frightened by the Great Upheavel to do a damn thing but balance budgets based on exceedingly low tax rates.

    1. “The majority of congressmen get their heads fitted for pikes.”

      Could we please fit Al Gore in for this one, even though he no longer holds any government office? I will chip in for his pike.

  24. And, why are Notre Dame games always shown in the local market here in North Carolina? I don’t know a single fan of college football who does not hate them with a purifying passion.

    1. media created popularity?
      what’s the religion of the head of network?
      assuming, that, unlike the great lakes region, there aren’t an abundance of working class catholics who cheer for ND… so strange, indeed.

      oh – I know why – they’re always contenders for the national title. what with their killer schedule and all.

      1. Has nothing to do with local TV decisions – see below. It They have their own contract with NBC so they are on in every market every week.

        1. gotcha! thanks!

        2. No, only ND’s home games are on NBC nationally.

        3. (I know about the contract, and know it’s national – was being cynical on the national level, grin)

    2. Kind of answers itself though. I have flipped through several of their games, and when I noticed they were losing, I kept on watching just to enjoy the meltdown.

      The same reason I find myself watching the Pats who have at least two games in the win column this year that don’t deserve to be there.

    3. Because Notre Dame has its own national TV deal with NBC despite that fact that it hasn’t been relevant on a national level for most of the last two decades.

      1. But somehow up until the meltdown they are in the hunt for a BCS bid every year. Hell they were in the mix this year until the Navy loss. Can anyone say that team could possibly have deserved a top-tier bowl. Though I do have to say it is amusing to watch them go to a bowl better than they should and get killed in bowl game after bowl game. What is their bowl game losing streak up to now?

        1. That would be 0. They won last year.

    4. I don’t know a single fan of college football who does not hate them with a purifying passion.

      What, did you manage to purge North Carolina of all the catholics?


  25. Sort of off topic, but during the Monday night game, the announcers were lauding the city of Green Bay and its Packers. Now I know that they are called the Green Bay Packers, but in reality, they are the Wisconsin Packers, because they are the only NFL team in Wisconsin. There’s no NFL team in Milwaukee or Madison or even Kenosha for that matter an folks in those cities, for the most part, cheer for the Packers.

    1. GB (city) owns the team.

      1. No it doesn’t. The Packers are owned by shareholders in the team, not the city.

        1. The Green Bay Packers are a non-profit corporation, any profit goes to the Green Bay Packers Foundation.

          If ever sold, proceeds of the sale would pay expenses and then remaining money goes to the Foundation. The shares pay no dividend, have a minimal redemption price and provide no benefits towards season tickets. Also, no one is allowed to own more than 200k shares (out of 4.7M).

          1. I love the Packers. They put the 1 in 1 and something. Maybe 1 and 15, though I think we’ll get a win or two before the season ends.

            Losing all the time sucks, by the way. Come back, Tony!

        2. dammit – i actually should have remembered that, having Cheezhead relatives who are all packer backers.

  26. Sorry, but if you don’t live in Green Bay, by federal law you are a Bears fan. You can look it up.

  27. The subcommittee chairman, Rep. Bobby Rush, an Illinois Democrat who co-sponsored the bill, said, “We can walk and chew gum at the same time.”

    [citation needed]

  28. After they finish fixing college football, they can get busy establishing federal guidelines for goodguy/badguy status in professional wrestling.

    And chromosome testing in the roller derby.

  29. The subcommittee chairman, Rep. Bobby Rush, an Illinois Democrat who co-sponsored the bill

    What, is he hoping the University Of Chicago can regain their former football glory?

  30. I’m of two minds about this.

    On the one hand: What business of this of Congress?

    On the other hand: Can we find more valueless shiny baubles like this to keep Congress busy so they don’t have time to take away our freedoms and ruin our economy with Cap ‘n Trade, Stimulus II, Health Care “Reform”, etc. etc.

    — David

    1. Well said. I vote that you win the thread!

    2. Wrong on number 2. They can walk all over you and chew the gum your taxes bought them all at the same time.

  31. The sad part is that this is the most sane and least despotic legislation that congress has considered in a long time. I can’t believe that Nancy Pelosi didn’t throw something in there to tax defensive players on every tackle they make, to put in a fund somewhere to provide medical aid to players who sustain injuries, and just a little more to preserve polar bear habitats or her campaign fund, whichever is in more danger at the time you understand.

  32. I realized a few years ago a libertarian can drive himself nuts worrying about all the crazy-ass bills out there that never get past their first floor vote.

  33. the objections of some lawmakers who said Congress had more pressing matters.

    Did any of them raise the minor detail that there’s no hint of any such authority in the constitution?


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