Media

If You Think Alec Baldwin is Funny on 30 Rock (And He is), Read His HuffPo Cols

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Alec Baldwin is a great actor ("Hit the bricks, pal"). And his greatest creation may be the "Alec Baldwin" character who writes columns for the Huffington Post, the can't-take-our-eyes-off-it celebrity-driven car wreck of a site that generates more tears on a daily basis than the post-Katrina Super Dome. Submitted for your approval from Baldwin's latest print equivalent of a petit mal seizure:

Recruitment is down. This Pentagon has a shortage of willing and competent soldiers who can run our military machinery. So what do they do? Do they improve recruitment, training and pay for soldiers? No. They privatize as much of these duties as they can (with no bid contracts for staggering sums of money) and create new businesses that, in turn, will contribute to those that helped them

The health care industry wastes untold billions, then passes those costs on to insurance companies who then exploit your fear and pass them on to you. Fear of Al Qaeda. Fear of getting sick without insurance and, therefore, access to effective medical care. Keep everything the way it is, out of fear. Fear that it could get worse. That's the Republican way. These guys have this country coming and going.

You'd think that the GOP was almost running this country, wouldn't you? Let's skip for the moment that the past year was the first since the (thank Milton!) return to an all-volunteer force in the early 1970s that the military actually hit its recruitment goals. Am I the only one not going the Humana newsletters explaining that premiums are going up because Osama bin Laden is threatening to steal my kidneys? I've got no use for Republicans (especially the way they created the entirely pork-ridden Medicare prescription drug benefit for the wealthiest demographic in the country), but the day that Alec Baldwin signs up for the public option is the day I start believing that he really thinks government will do things more cheaply and efficiently than an actual market in health care.

But the real gems in Baldwin's HuffPo cols sparkle in headlines (e.g., May 17's "The Rise and Fall of Detroit," which was followed by May 20's "An Apology Regarding My Letterman Appearance and a Clarification on U.S. Autoworkers") and the great personal attacks such as this one against CNN's newsmummy Jack Cafferty:

Jack, you don't tell people that a career in the performing arts disqualifies them from seeking elected office, and I won't say publicly that your being convicted of leaving the scene of an accident in which you struck a cyclist and then ran two red lights while you were pursued by the police and were subsequently ordered to serve 70 hours of community service back in May of 2003 disqualifies you from posing as a "Man of the People" on a major cable news network.

Read that whole piece here.

NEXT: Hawaii Says "Aloha" to Big Waves...And Big Pork From Stimulus!

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  1. Well, Alec Baldwin is a retarded fetus. But, if true, his attack on Jack Cafferty is a public service – can’t stand that pitchfork carrying, progressive lite, populist moron.

    1. Here’s Jack Cafferty interviewing DEVO, early 80s. Comedy gold.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZRmcxKl_oI

      1. “musical laxative for a constipated world”

    2. doh. beat me to it.

      1. That video with Devo and Cafferty should be preserved as culturally significant by the Library of Congress.

  2. Oh, and fuck 30 Rock. I just don’t find it funny. My God, even “Parks and Recreation” makes 30 Rock look like an eighth-grade talent show skit. I just do not understand the 30 Rock love.
    There. I said it.

    1. I never found it to be funny either. Ultimately, the whole Tina Fey, I can’t get a date just pretend that I am not one of the most lusted after women on TV but really homely, act gets old. The show is not horrible. But it is just not very funny either.

      1. Hell, “Community” is better, and it suffers under the heavy, heavy load of Chevy Chase (who, actually, isn’t terrible in his role).

        1. Community is actually quite witty while being low-key. I like it.

          And Chevy is capable of good work: Fletch. Yeah, one out of hundreds is pretty bad, but it is one.

          1. Abed (Danny Pudi) is the best character on the show. Everybody has awesome, unique characteristics, but Abed ties them all together. I’m not sure what other types of characters he could play well, but he nails this one.

    2. Word, my brother. I hate SNL alums with a fiery passion, and know that I will despise any TV shows or movies that they do (FUCK YOU WILL FARRELL), so I automatically avoid them. A few weeks ago, the TV was on and 30 Rock came on. As many people had gushed about it, I actually paid attention for a few minutes.

      Abjectly insipid. Just so witless and dumb. Exactly what I expected out of a SNL hack like Fey, and merely reinforced my mission to avoid anything done by the retards that Lorne chooses to be on his show, a show that needs to be sent to the glue factory, yesterday.

      1. That show is like your grandmother’s deaf, blind, lame dog that pees on the carpet that no one has the heart to put town. But grandma thinks the world of fuffy and he was so cute once.

        The show was good 30 years ago. It being on now would be like Your Show of Shows still on the air in the 80s even though Cid Ceaser had quite five years into it. It is really hard to put together a great cast for a show. SNL has done it three times (the original, the Eddie Murphy era, and the late 80s Dana Carvey era). Enough is enough already.

      2. The one exception was Phil Hartman. Why, oh, why couldn’t his wife have killed Adam Sandler instead?

        1. AWESOM-O: Um, okay. How about this? Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl, but then it turns out that the girl is actually a golden retriever, or something.

          Studio Executive #1: Oh, perfect!

          Studio Executive #2: We’ll call it “Puppy Love!”

        2. Adam Sandler was awesome as shit in Punch Drunk Love. And he brought us Grandma’s Boy and Gay Robot.

      3. Rob Schneider.

        That is all.

    3. Hey! Parks and Recreation actually is funny. Well, sometimes it’s funny. Okay, it had that one episode that was funny.

    4. Who the fuck watched network TV anything anymore? Are those channels still broadcasting? There are still sitcoms?

      Hell, for that matter, who watches nearly any TV at all anymore?

      Not I. Television is a vast, mind-sucking, useless wasteland.

      Do something productive with the little time you have on this planet. Watching TV ain’t it.

      Full disclosure: I have been known to watch the (very) occasional episode of “Top Gear” on BBC America or “Dirty Jobs” with Mike Rowe. That’s pretty much it.

      Alec Baldwin is a pompous, undereducated, egocentric, unfunny, lefty prick.

      1. “watched” should be “watches.” Stupid fingers.

      2. Hell, for that matter, who watches nearly any TV at all anymore?

        Not I. Television is a vast, mind-sucking, useless wasteland.

        Sturgeon’s Rule large.

        There are good shows worth watching, you just have to be selective about it. DVR/Tivo is a god send for that sort of thing.

    5. I’ve never watched the show, ever, nor had the desire to do so. Most of the vapid 20-somethings I work with gush over it, so that was enough for me. Plus, Baldwin is a douchebag, Red October and brother Adam notwithstanding.

      I’ve never seen The Office either, but I just didn’t want to get caught on yet another show. My card is full.

      1. “the show” being 30 Rock.

        Stupid theaded comments.

      2. Adam Baldwin of Full Metal Jacket, Independence Day, The Patriot, Firefly, Serenity, etc. is not his brother.

        1. Really? I just assumed that he was, name and all, and that he had overcome his genetic handicap of being a Baldwin bro. Thanks for setting me straight on that.

          That only makes Alec an even bigger piece of bloated shit, knowing that.

      3. Adam isn’t, but Stephen is. So I kind of wish Adam was.

  3. Meh. When pols or athletes do a painfully bad guest spot on a sitcom, people clap pedantically like Retard Jimmy just hit a layup. The reaction to actors pretending they’re critical thinkers should be similar.

    1. I am so filing the serial numbers off that and using it in conversation as my own.

  4. Recruitment is down because the Army doesn’t have any closers. They sit around drinking coffee and telling war stories all day. If they only understood, COFFEE IS FOR CLOSERS

  5. I said it yesterday too. Reason’s columnists are petty and vindictive and have an eagle-eye for every transgression from the agenda of whatever it is that libertarians say they stand for. Must be nice to win every time after moving the goals posts.

    1. We stand for EVIL, Ray. Bwahahahaha!
      Surely you know that by now?

      1. Anyone know of a good moustache wax? My twirling fingers are getting blistered from so much nefarious plotting.

        1. baby and/or lolcat blood. It’s what I use after all my nefarious planning sessions.

    2. Are you really mounting a defense for Alec Baldwin and his comments?

      Seriously, Alec Baldwin?

      Can I get the hook up for your dealer. That guy has to be pushing some awesome shit.

      1. I wonder if Ray Butlers has seen Team America: World Police?

  6. whatever it is that libertarians say they stand for

    Freedom from coercion. Is that really so hard to understand?

    1. Freedom … what dat? Coercion – that’s just code speak for cheap rich people who don’t want to pay their taxes and want to see the “folks” dying in the streets from lack of health care!

      Racist.

      1. I denied health care to a man in Reno
        Just to watch him die…

        1. And when I think about Obamacare
          I hang my head and cry

        2. Awesome +1

      2. As real as you, me, the Easter Bunny, and Steve Smith. But not as real as Poochie.

        1. Remember kids, recycle… TO THE EXTREME!!

          1. Soilent Green is people! It’s people!

      3. He certainly smells like he exists.

    2. Freedom from coercion. Is that really so hard to understand?

      In his case, yes, yes it is.

  7. I think it is his disdain for Republicans that makes him so good at playing Jack Donaghy. His character is basically a caricature of what the left believes to be a right wing corporate executive.

  8. Threadjack. Note to self, if you find out you are adopted and your parents tell you “no good will come from finding your birth parents”, listen to them.

    http://www.news.com.au/story/0…..01,00.html

    1. I love how hard he’s trying to convince himself that he won’t murder anyone. “No, dude, I’m totally peaceful! Like Gandhi! Honest!”

    2. Awesome. That one’s goin’ viral.

    3. “I don’t even like the fact that I’m big. It makes me even scarier. My hero is Gandhi. I’m an extremely non-violent, peaceful person and a vegetarian.”

      You know who else was a vegetarian?

  9. But…but …Liberals are for freedom…We’re for freedom from those evil Mcdonald’s money grubbers and their evil, tasty tasty food! We’re for freedom from evil Shell oil. If they didn’t provide such easy access to oil, and oil products to enable us to drive, cook, heat and cool our houses, we wouldn’t be helping pollute gaia, and we’d be all happier and guilt free in our misery!

  10. I love how hard he’s trying to convince himself that he won’t murder anyone.

    We all know he’s a ticking time bomb, another Steve Smith just waiting to happen…

    1. Steve Smith with charisma? God help us.

      1. He could rule the world!

    2. Please explain the Steve Smith angle. I keep seeing the referrence and want to be able to appreciate the snark.

        1. But is he a football player rapist and was he doing it in Texas?

  11. Cheap Chinese CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

  12. I am not sure the military contractors are an example of how a private corporation can do things more cheaply and efficiently.

    On healthcare…I’ve been thinking lately that the analogy is roads, not insurance. Just as we want public roads and public transportation in an environment where there are private roads and market options, it seems a basic health infra-structure that gets public funding is a piece of any efficient healtcare delivery system even as it includes private providers and private insurance.

    Reform should really be about breaking the link between healthcare and employment so that individuals are the ones making their healthcare decisions directly…rather than relying on employers. My2cents

  13. create new businesses

    “Create and save” Baby!

  14. He could rulerape the world!

    Fixed.

  15. benchwarmer, Steve Smith is an occasional commenter of leftward persuasion who has been revealed to be a depilated sasquatch. And as we all know, there’s nothing sasquatches love more than rape.

    1. A depilated sasquatch would be a hell of a sight. Thanks.

  16. it seems a basic health infra-structure that gets public funding is a piece of any efficient healtcare delivery system even as it includes private providers and private insurance.

    I assume you mean “public” hospitals, with salaried staffs, who take all comers. I have no objection to that.

    Reform should really be about breaking the link between healthcare and employment so that individuals are the ones making their healthcare decisions directly

    Absolutely.

    1. I would say both clinics for routine care and hospitals for crisis care, but something along that line. Another approach is to allow anyone who wants to buy into medicaid to buy into medicaid (with a sliding scale based on need, or something).

      That would keep the providers private even as the public supports access to care.

      1. Or, you know, get the gumming out of the barriers to competition business and watch private insurance commercials bloom. I really want the Gecko and Flo selling me health insurance. Seriously.

        Gummint health insurance should be just like every other form of public assistance: a last resort and means tested.

        You don’t have a right to force anyone else to pay for your health care.

        1. gumming = gummint

  17. Reform should really be about breaking the link between healthcare and employment so that individuals are the ones making their healthcare decisions directly.

    This is what I posed to Rand Paul at his townhall meeting. He replied that he opposed rolling back the tax incentives to companies that offer health insurance, and thinks a really good private offering would trump employer-supplied plans.

    Pretty disappointing answer, but I still took a yard sign.

  18. It’s like watching a retarded chimp try to fornicate with a buttered football.

  19. Geez…Baldwin’s way off. Even when the military was having trouble reaching recruitment goals, they offered bonuses…bonuses. I think that counts as improving recruitment and pay. As for having problems with training…wha? Baldwin better take that up with the CG of TRADOC.

  20. Steve Smith with charisma? God help us

    Don’t we already have a charismatic leader raping the everloving bejesus out of us?

    My ass hurts plenty, already.

    1. He’s only doing sex to you because you look like Mrs. Obama.

  21. Word, my brother. I hate SNL alums with a fiery passion, and know that I will despise any TV shows or movies that they do (FUCK YOU WILL FARRELL), so I automatically avoid them.

    Will Ferrell was funny as shit in Zoolander, m’man.

    1. FUCK YOU ART

  22. Anyone know of a good moustache wax?

    I let mine droop.

    Like John Wilkes Booth.

  23. Threadjack. Note to self, if you find out you are adopted and your parents tell you “no good will come from finding your birth parents”, listen to them.

    Ha ha ha. Adoptive parents, take note of this story and tell it to your kids.

  24. A depilated sasquatch would be a hell of a sight.

    It is.

  25. What is it with CNN anchors and running into bicyles and pedestrians then fleeing the scene? Is it a prerequisite of employment?

  26. Is he talking about Canada?

  27. Will Ferrell was funny as shit in Zoolander, m’man.

    The only part of Zoolander i liked was leaving the theater when it was over.

  28. He replied that he opposed rolling back the tax incentives to companies that offer health insurance

    Boo.

    Doesn’t Paul the Lesser understand how stupid social engineering via tax code is? Somebody should explain it to him.

  29. If reason is looking in on the celebrities’-takes-on-politics beat today, I guess no one will mind if I point out this “Angelina Jolie hates Obama story.”

    http://www.usmagazine.com/cele…..a-20092411

  30. Will Ferrell was funny as shit in Zoolander

    If, by funny as shit, you mean so painfully unfunny and pathetic I wanted to gouge out my eyeballs and stuff them in my ears to make the suffering stop.

    1. Have you ever seen “Elf”. I use Elf as my standard of worst movie ever made.

      Farrell is not funny, but he has a remarkably good singing voice.

      1. What? Elf is not even close to the worst movie ever made. I challenge you to watch Manos: The Hands of Fate, Grim and Nemesis 3 and then get back to me.

        1. Art,

          I will have to take your word for it. If it is indeed worse than Elf, I would be too traumatized by the experience.

  31. Baldwin’s also got the terminology wrong. Servicemembers is the catchall term for people in all branches of the military. Soldiers are in the Army, Marines are in the Marine Corps, Sailors are in the Navy, Airmen are in the Air Force and Coasties* are in the Coast Guard.

    Baldwin should probably seek out retired Marine Captain Dale Dye for tips and hints.

    *I know. I feel bad for them, too.

  32. Huh. So I’m the only one here who liked Zoolander. I guess there is no accounting for taste after all, and I should stop giving people shit for liking Friends and Nickelback.

    P.S.: I’m also the only one who liked Good Burger.

    1. and I should stop giving people shit for liking Friends and Nickelback.

      Never, EVER, should you stop doing that.

      Nickelback: The .38 Special of Gen Y.

    2. I liked Zoolander. I like lots of Ferrel’s work. He’s a retarded leftist, but whatever. If it makes you left, fuck everyone else for being all bitchy about what’s “good.”

      And, yes, you are the only one who liked Good Burger.

      1. Damnit. If it makes you LAUGH. Talk about RC’z and joe’z law bastard kid. Shit.

  33. Alec Baldwin = retarded fetus.

  34. Art,

    You are killing your street creed defending Zoolander.

    1. But gaining street cred by defending the indefensible, as a matter of principle.

      1. Yo, thanks, Ska. I think so, too. Often someone gains my respect by defending their own unhipness. I like to think I’m unhip in a very hip way. For instance, my usage of the term “hip”. So unhip it’s hip.

        1. As a nerd interested in things many people would mock, I hear ya.

          But don’t wander so far into Huey Luis territory; it might not be possible to make it back from there.

          1. lol and the funny thing is the only places I really know Huey Lewis from are American Psycho and a fleeting reference on The Simpsons.

  35. Bill Simmons has a great idea for a movie in his mailbag today. It is a romantic comedy about two people who fall in love and get engaged only to find out they are brother and sister who were adopted to different parents. And you have the Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal play the leads complete with a couple of big makeout/sex scenes. I love it.

    1. And their father was Charlie Manson!!!

  36. I should stop giving people shit for liking Friends and Nickelback.

    Yeah, you prefer Creed, don’t you.

    1. That’s the best trick question I’ve encountered in awhile. The ugly truth is that I think Creed has some OK songs.

      1. Your taste in all things is incredibly suspect at this point, Art. I’d quit now if I were you.

        1. [scrambling to get cred back]…but I listen to more OMD, AFI, Shiny Toy Guns, TV on the Radio, The Roots, Wu-Tang Clan, New Order, Roxy Music, Erasure and Wolfsheim than post-grunge. Besides, Foo Fighters are way better than Creed.

          Also, I enjoy the comedies of Wes Anderson and Juzo Itami. [hopes street cred is saved]

      2. Sorry but ‘Money Bought’ by Nickelback is great.

        1. To describe anything Nickelback’s done as “great” is a slap in the face of dozens of better grunge bands, including Foo Fighters and Collective Soul.

  37. I’ll add “his incest fantasies are cute” to my ever-growing list of signs that Simmons is really a 12-year-old girl.

    1. You mean he isn’t? His collumn is written by a challenged 12 year old girl. The doofy guy in the pictures is just a front.

  38. Will Ferrel and Adam Sandler would be perfect in The Royal Nonesuch.

    Especially if the audience were well supplied with bricks. And ninja throwing stars.

  39. If reason is looking in on the celebrities’-takes-on-politics beat today, I guess no one will mind if I point out this “Angelina Jolie hates Obama story.”

    Whoa, Jolie gets more respect from me. I’ll even say I forgive her for Tomb Raider. Actually, I think that was the director’s fault.

    I didn’t know Voight was a Republican, but honestly I kinda like all those Hollywood types who are kinda right wing (Bruce Willis, Gary Sinise, et al.). And those libertarianish types like Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I guess maybe I have a soft spot for people who run contrary to stereotype.

  40. STEVE THINK DAVID SOUL SING LIKE ANGEL.

    COMMENTER FRIEND SUE AGREE WITH STEVE. STEVE SORRY FOR ACCIDENTLY SNAPPING FRIEND SUE NECK. NOW EVERYONE AFRAID TO COMMENT ON STEVE SITE. STEVE SAD.

  41. I was sent from planet Xiron to conquer the earth
    I had a terrific plan ? I thought it would work
    Tried to get the Earthlings all to kill each other you see
    But it all went wrong and now I must decree?

    You are worthless Alec Baldwin, you are worthless Alec Baldwin
    You failed in every way and now my stock in you has fallen
    Your career is stallin’ and you’re worthless Alec Baldwin
    That’s why I blew your head off and your children are all bawlin’

    Planet Xiron is inhabited with Xipods like me
    But also with Balmacs who are giant bees
    The Xipods and Balmacs are at constant war
    So we wanted a new home and that’s what Earth was for

    But you are worthless Alec Baldwin, you are worthless Alec Baldwin
    You fucked up my whole plan and now Xiron is smeared with Balmac pollen
    Your garbage needs some haulin’ and you’re worthless Alec Baldwin
    Now I must return home a failure ? I’m afraid the pit of Kryrok is callin’?

  42. Sorry but ‘Money Bought’ by Nickelback is great.

    Referring to any song performed by Nickelback as “great” makes both that word and the very concept of music as an art form meaningless. In fact, when Nickelback covers a song by another artist, the original songwriter is retroactively rendered shitty just by association. Fuck Nickelback, yo.

  43. “Recruitment is down. This Pentagon has a shortage of willing and competent soldiers who can run our military machinery. So what do they do? Do they improve recruitment, training and pay for soldiers? No. They privatize as much of these duties as they can (with no bid contracts for staggering sums of money) and create new businesses that, in turn, will contribute to those that helped them.”

    Well. This part is actually pretty much entirely true.

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