Ayn Rand

How to Succeed as an Ayn Rand Character: The Flow Chart


For Ayn Rand fans with no sense of humor, be warned, this is scurillous, totally unfair, and objectively anti-life. For Rand haters (and Rand fans with a sense of the ridiculous) prepare to enjoy Cracked.com's flow chart on "How to Succeed as an Ayn Rand Character."

[Hat tip: Wirkman Virkkala]

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  1. blocked as "tasteless" at work. That is a first, as it is nearly impossible to be more tasteless than my firm.

  2. Spoiler alert!

    Waste of time.

  3. domo: I get the same thing, so you're not alone.

    Which sucks because I'd love to see it.

  4. It's pretty funny. The flowchart is well done, but the article is generic "make fun of Rand" stuff. As a non-Randian, I have no problem with it, but the same rape jokes get boring after a while.

  5. Episiarch,

    No, the rape jokes are warranted. What irks me is when they make cracks about her hating the poor, etc. They say the same things about top hat-wearing libertarians, too.

  6. I didn't say the rape jokes were unwarranted. I said they were rehashed. It's very difficult to mock Rand without making the same jokes over and over. Basically, every few months somebody comes out with a rearrangement of the same stuff. It would be nice to see something new, but I guess this area has been mined out.

  7. Cracked: Mad as produced by second-handers.

    I keed, I keed!

    (Arguably, that definition would fit all of Panic and all the post-Kurtzman Mads, some of which were hysterical.


  8. If they don't hit on what's commonly known, then the chart is pointless. Except for Objectivists, I guess.

    Now if someone more familiar with her work--like Reason--had done this, I might be a little more critical about it.

  9. Episiarch,

    Seen Moon, yet?

  10. Here's the chart rehosted on ImageShack for those of you with oppressive work environments: http://img31.imageshack.us/img31/4254/arflowchart2copy.png

  11. nope, blocked

    "Personal Storage and Backup Blocked at ALL TIMES"

  12. this thing must be truly wicked if it's blocked 2 differnt ways...I must know...

  13. Seen Moon, yet?

    No. I haven't been overly excited about it; should I be? It's also not playing anywhere convenient for me.

    phalkor, I note you are linking to your twitter account. I kind of want to set up a LoneDipshit twitter account.

  14. this thing must be truly wicked if it's blocked 2 differnt ways

    You'll like it if you're an angry adolescent or a Reason? libertarian.

  15. Episiarch,

    I haven't seen it, but the word on the street is that it's very good. The word is often wrong, so I'd like some confirmation.

  16. People are telling me that The Hangover is fantastic too, and I'd bet serious money that it isn't. Most people have zero taste.

  17. Meh. They could've done much better. Hell, I could've done much better, but it still wouldn't be very funny.

  18. It's mildly amusing. It's not worth spending all day trying to circumvent your office firewall. Go do some work.

  19. Yeah, I know. My bad movie tolerance is approaching zero.

  20. For Ayn Rand fans with no sense of humor,

    That's redundant, isn't it?

  21. Rothbard is another guy whose hero-worshipping cult I don't understand, but here: Mozart Was a Red.

  22. Moon was brilliant. Truly.

  23. One thing I like about Rand's characters is how subtle and multifaceted they are. I mean how can you tell if Dr. Slimy McParasite was a hero or a villain??

  24. I quite like Ayn Rand, but still, it says a lot when every animal in Animal Farm has a better developed personality and inner conflict than any Rand character I can think of.

  25. I love shit like that since it's just more evidence there are a bunch of stupid fucks in the world that deserve every bad thing that happens to them and more.

  26. I'm oppressed!

    Well, you are a minority, a minority of one.

  27. Don't forget the 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time, she's in there!

    That was pretty good. Liked the Star Trek one:


    The Lost Star Trek Christmas Episode: "A Most Illogical Holiday" (1968)

    Mr. Spock, with his pointy ears, is hailed as a messiah on a wintry world where elves toil for a mysterious master, revealed to be Santa just prior to the first commercial break. Santa, enraged, kills Ensign Jones and attacks the Enterprise in his sleigh. As Scotty works to keep the power flowing to the shields, Kirk and Bones infiltrate Santa's headquarters. With the help of the comely and lonely Mrs. Claus, Kirk is led to the heart of the workshop, where he learns the truth: Santa is himself a pawn to a master computer, whose initial program is based on an ancient book of children's Christmas tales. Kirk engages the master computer in a battle of wits, demanding the computer explain how it is physically possible for Santa to deliver gifts to all the children in the universe in a single night. The master computer, confronted with this computational anomaly, self-destructs; Santa, freed from mental enslavement, releases the elves and begins a new, democratic society. Back on the ship, Bones and Spock bicker about the meaning of Christmas, an argument which ends when Scotty appears on the bridge with egg nog made with Romulan Ale.

    Filmed during the series' run, this episode was never shown on network television and was offered in syndication only once, in 1975. Star Trek fans hint the episode was later personally destroyed by Gene Roddenberry. Rumor suggests Harlan Ellison may have written the original script; asked about the episode at 1978's IgunaCon II science fiction convention, however, Ellison described the episode as "a quiescently glistening cherem of pus."

    Special bonus TNG re-edit, cause it's a friday:

    That Captain Picard

  28. Epi, Hangover is very funny. Don't go into it with huge expectations though. Just very good situational comedy.

    ProLib, Moon is solid. It is not an action movie and most would consider it a 'slow' movie. Enjoyable if you like the moon, sci-fi, ethics, acting.

  29. Meh. They could've done much better. Hell, I could've done much better, but it still wouldn't be very funny.

    Moon, The Hangover, or the flowchart?

  30. Holy shit, I agree with JB on something.

    Moon was very good, quite a relief from the many crappy movies I've seen this year.

    I thought the flow chart was picking low hanging fruit, but funny.

  31. Double holy shit, dbcooper those are two very funny links, thanks.

  32. Glad you liked them. Love the Klingon guy's bug eyes in the 2nd one. 🙂

  33. Rand's characterizations were intentional in her novels.

    She was attempting to illustrate objectivism via caricatures, hence idealized heroes and outrageous villains. The point of philosophical exposition is to clarify through contrast.

    If you want nuanced character development, look elsewhere.

    If you want a funny satire of Ayn Rand, the Simpson's did a pretty good job.

  34. Speaking of Moon, the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter took high resolution shots of several Apollo landing sites. Yeah, you can see the landers. And the tracks of the actors that faked the missions by going to the Moon.

  35. I quite like Ayn Rand, but still, it says a lot when every animal in Animal Farm has a better developed personality and inner conflict than any Rand character I can think of.

    I actually think Peter Keating, across his entire arc, is quite well done.

    I also think Leo Kovalensky isn't bad, but we never really get access to his interior life.

    Gail Wynand also isn't bad, in a "Goodfellas arc, but for a Hearst analogue" sort of way.

  36. Reason? libertarians don't seem to get the point of romantic-school literature.
    If you want real-life characters, just look outside. There they are. Aren't they inspiring?

  37. Humor? Not a characterization, but a misrepresentation on every point. An embarassment to Reason and editors.

    Reason's past repretation lends credence to such trash, in a "sanction of the victim" manner. Especailly poor taste when Rand's message is so urgently needed for today's culture and politics.

  38. Interesting that this kind of thing may be building a certain readership? Marking the irrelevance of Reason and its readers?

    Time for new editors?

  39. Standard Reason disclaimer:

    Our editors hold diverse opinions and do not necessarily speak for
    Reason Magazine or the Reason Foundation.

    (This used to be called a "cop-out.")

  40. Atlas Shrugged was a fun belief reinforcement book. I liked it despite its many flaws because I liked the basic argument, but it was long and I don't plan to read it again for atleast a decade. I still don't know if I'll read the Fountainhead again (and its been atleast a decade since I read it the first time)

    I chuckled a bit at the flowchart

  41. "She was attempting to illustrate objectivism via caricatures, hence idealized heroes and outrageous villains."
    I used to think Rand's villains were outrageous caricatures, too. Then I heard Joe Biden speak. Now I think Rand's works were prophetic.

  42. space fiend-

    ...it says a lot when every animal in Animal Farm has a better developed personality and inner conflict than any Rand character I can think of.

    Please describe the "inner conflict" or "developed personality" in any character in "Animal Farm" besides Boxer.

    (Other than "Molly" being an prescient depiction of John Edwards...)

  43. nice flowchart...
    Entertainment at one stop

  44. I'm no dogmatic Objectivist for sure and I am certainly prepared to enjoy a good humoured look at Randian heroes but this certainly isn't it. Rand's views and the characters she uses to express them are totally misrepresented here and so the attempt at humour is just plain stupidity - didn't even evoke a smile.

  45. BTW if you like Ayn Rand, you might enjoy Terry Goodkind. Similar philosophies, similarly longwinded.

  46. I'm pretty sure that I'm a libertarian, except for the fact that I'm in favor of roads.

  47. >nice flowchart...

    Shut the hell up, Britney. I wish you would discover carbon monoxide poisoning...

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