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Ashton Kutcher, Renaissance Man

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a serious thinker

God, how I miss cynicism. 

Americans are on the brink of the Newer Deal where we will join hands in an effort to resurrect the pride in a government that supports us in supporting ourselves. Our new leader understands the value of our collective voices…

That deathless prose is from the pen of political philosopher and Punk'd impresario Ashton Kutcher, who then goes on to describe a meeting (summit?) four years ago where he sat down with Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Peres. Peres said nice things about America. Which caused Kutcher to bite his lip—because of our "national pursuit of Middle Eastern oil," etc., etc.—and then, a mere three years later, Kutcher and his wife Demi Moore decided to decide to do something:

A year ago my wife and I looked one another in the eye and promised to dedicate ourselves to finding a cause to champion.

Read about the bold action you can take to end sex slavery by signing an Obama quasi-loyalty pledge on MySpace, plus more political philosophy from Ashton Kutcher.

Or read some coherent and insightful words on sex trafficking and slavery from Reason's Kerry Howley (plus links to other Reason ladies on the topic) here. Your call.

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  1. One of these days, I will be a famous attractive Hollywood dude. Then people will listen to my important thoughts.

  2. Dude, where’s my pride in government?

  3. Alternatively:

    He wrote the article on a dare and made $1.

  4. Stupid German actors liked Hitler too. Coincidence?

  5. “..where we will join hands in an effort to resurrect the pride in a government that supports us in supporting ourselves.”

    Exactly how does one go about “supporting somebody who is supporting themself”?

    If they are supporting themself, by definition, then no one else is in fact supporting them – or needs to.

  6. Caption Contest!

    “Fresh killed bear cub – smells like victory!”

  7. “I just punk’d Mr. Snuggles!”

    Slightly associated fun here.

  8. A year ago my wife and I looked one another in the eye and promised to dedicate ourselves to finding a cause to champion.

    And then they wrote a bunch of them down and stuffed them into a hat. Then they each took a dump in the hat and went out for an $8,000 steak and lobster dinner.

  9. God, how I miss cynicism

    You do nothing worthwhile by posting idiotic drivel from actors, KMW.
    Cynicism is hardly an admirable philosophy, but fear not. The art of satire is far from dead.
    I see rich pickings in the years ahead.

  10. An online pledge and celebrity slideshow. Hot damn. With Josh Groban AND Anthony Keidis? Get out!

    I just had a great idea. Instead of just pledging, why don’t we create online petitions for every problem in the world and get bunches of signatures and then send them to politicians in Washington. No one can ignore the power of thousands of electronic signatures. This will solve everything. I am so full of ? hope.

    *group hug*

  11. If I hold Ashton’s hand and sing Kumbaya with him at Obama’s inauguration, will SWAT raids miraculously stop?

    I feel the love.

  12. You’re not actually surprised he’s a shallow, naive twit, right?

  13. Sometimes I am glad my hockey, baseball, music, and acting dreams all died. If I had succeeded it probably would have boosted my ego until I assumed people cared about my opinions.

  14. A year ago my wife and I looked one another in the eye and promised to dedicate ourselves to finding a cause to champion.

    Ponder a moment the gaping, soulless, vacuity and self-absorption on display here.

    To these people, causes are pretty much interchangeable accessories. Nothing comes from within; there is no heartfelt commitment, merely a desire to acquire a cause (and, of course, the public acclaim that comes with it). There is, at most, a vague awareness of, and discomfort with, their own soullessness, and a confused belief that acquiring the trappings of caring will somehow fill that void.

  15. Well said, RC. It’s almost like Peter Keating personified, isn’t it?

  16. @Royal Cola Dean:

    Noblesse oblige, n’est ce pas?

  17. The fact that the HuffPo doesn’t find it creepy to endorse pledging to the President says quite a bit about contemporary liberals.

  18. I don’t know. Is Kerry Howles a smug prick, too? Cause then I’d have to go with Ashton.

  19. I saw Kutcher on Real Time one evening and he claimed to be socially liberal and economically conservative. Seeing as I never gave a flying crap about what he says and therefore never paid attention to him, I thought to myself, “hey, neat, maybe he’s got libertarian tendencies.”

    Of course, this being the first time I read or heard anything from him, I am now disappointed at what might have been a budding libertarian-youth movement in Hollywood.

    Kind of drowns your hopes like a Ron Paul rally…

  20. I saw Kutcher on Real Time one evening and he claimed to be socially liberal and economically conservative.

    He is.

    He’s economically conservative with his money, and socially liberal with your money.

  21. He’s economically conservative with his money, and socially liberal with your money.

    The very definition of fauxtarianism!

  22. Generally when people say they are “socially liberal and fiscally conservative,” the “fiscally conservative” part means “somewhere to the right of Marx,” and the “socially liberal” part means “somewhere to the left of Bork.” You press them on issues like privatizing the post office or legalizing gay marriage and their fashionably-put beliefs turn out to be milquetoast centrism.

  23. Where is this wife he keeps talking about? I only see him with his mother.

  24. God, how I miss cynicism.

    Katherine, do you read the comments here?

    Or the articles?

  25. Obama is the new Kabbalah.

  26. Katherine, do you read the comments here?

    Or the articles?

    Methinks she does not.

  27. Our new leader understands the value of our collective voices…

    Yes, let’s sing all praises to our leader:

    Duce! Duce! Duce! Duce!

    [Wow, that Kutcher is sure prophetic!]

  28. Our new leader understands the value of our collective voices…

    You know, come to think about it… That sounded like a prayer.

    O Obamus Dominus, adveniat Regnum Tuum; fiat voluntas Tua.

  29. A year ago my wife and I looked one another in the eye and promised to dedicate ourselves to finding a cause to champion.

    Ponder a moment the gaping, soulless, vacuity and self-absorption on display here.

    Oh, yeah? What if you pick a cause to champion and it totally clashes with the color scheme of your decor? Bet you never thought about THAT, smart guy.

    I’m looking for a cause to champion myself. AIDS and breast cancer are out because having to wear red or pink ribbon-bows clashes with every item in my wardrobe (red and pink do NOT flatter my complexion). Does anybody know of a cause symbolized by form-fitting dark blue or indigo T-shirts? I look really good in those colors.

    Forest green also works for me, but that would be more of a winter-only thing.

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