Politics

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska), Your Iceberg Is Waiting…

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from Stevens' failed attempt to claim Spider-man and the Hulk for Alaska

It's official: Felonious Sen. Ted "Wounded Bull" Stevens (pictured at right) has lost his seat in the U.S. Senate, the world's greatest (and possibly fattest) deliberative body. From the AP:

Stevens' pursuit of a seventh term was damaged by his conviction in federal court—just days before the election—for lying on Senate disclosure forms to conceal more than $250,000 in gifts and home renovations from an oil field services company.

He was trying to become the first convicted felon to win election to the Senate. A survey of people leaving polling places conducted for The Associated Press and television networks found that two of three voters considered Stevens' trial a factor in their decision. Begich voters cited it as an issue more often.

More here.

It would be the nice thing to say of Stevens that it's been nice knowing him (he was reportedly a homeless man living on the land upon which the Senate was built back in 1483; of course that's not true, I just read it on that series of tubes Stevens was so concerned about). 

But really, it hasn't been nice knowing him. He represents with almost focus-group intensity virtually everything that is wrong with American politics. He's a whining crybaby, a special-interest towel boy who was, like his equally repellent former colleague Sen. Robert Byrd (D-W. Va.), slowly mailing the entire federal budget back to his home state in a never-ending series of priority packages large and small. Stevens' loss is the nation's gain.

As reason's Jacob Sullum has written:

From 2004 to 2008, Taxpayers for Common Sense reports, Stevens had a hand in 891 Alaska-benefiting earmarks worth $3.2 billion. That works out to about $4,800 per Alaskan, 18 times the national average. And earmarks represent just a fraction of federal spending in Alaska, which totaled $9 billion in 2006 alone….

Although Alaskans are the biggest beneficiaries of congressional largess [in 2005, they pulled in a whopping $1.84 for every buck they sent to the feds], Stevens, who lobbied for statehood in the 1950s, still sees them as victims of a high-handed federal government. During his 2005 tantrum over Tom Coburn's proposal to move transportation money from Alaska to hurricane-stricken Louisiana (a proposal the Senate overwhelmingly rejected), Stevens repeatedly invoked his state's "sovereign" and "equal" status, seemingly worried that his colleagues were disrespecting Alaska behind his back. His attitude was reminiscent of a beggar who not only demands a handout but insists that everyone pretend the money was his all along.

More on that here.

NEXT: Financial Reversals

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  1. The more of these old professional porkers who get cleaned from the system the better, as long as a fresh new porker doesn’t replace him.
    At least it will take the new porker some time to learn the profession and make all the connections.

  2. Is it fair to say his career went down “teh tubes?”

  3. Yes, and with this asshole losing the Dems are even closer to a filibuster-proof majority. HURRAH!

  4. Damn, I kind of wanted to see the spectacle of him getting booted out of the Senate. Still, at least he got rejected for being a criminal, which is something.

    “Bro, they’re Americans now, and Americans don’t hold on to the past.”

  5. He was trying to become the first convicted felon to win election to the Senate.

    Really? In the history of our country, he was the first?

    Now I almost feel bad for rooting against him. He could have made history. Our nation’s felons would have finally had a role model that they could look up to.

  6. I wanted to see Palin in the Senate. It’s about time the rest of America learn the contempt for the political process we already have.

    And there’s an insane squirrel humping the window frame outside my office. No, really.

  7. And there’s an insane squirrel humping the window frame outside my office. No, really.

    Reminds you of yourself, doesn’t it. You should laser, dude.

  8. One percent of the population is incarcerated, so maybe it’s time they got a Senator who understands their plight.

    “A jail cell isn’t something you dump somebody in. It’s a series of bars!”

  9. You should laser, dude.

    “I laser. It’s like a turtle shell down there”

  10. Rein – you are hereby scheduled to satisfy said squirrel that’s hanging out of SugarFree’s window. Then turn it into a sammich for Lefti.

  11. “A jail cell isn’t something you dump somebody in. It’s a series of bars!”

    Nice, but I was thinking more like

    “it’s not a butt f***, it’s a series of dudes.”

  12. “I laser. It’s like a turtle shell down there”

    Frank: Who spent five hundred dollars for laser hair removal?

    Dennis: Right over here, slick. Don’t wanna have hair down there.

  13. Convicted Felon: When Senator Stevens won re-election, it made me feel like I could do anything. Well, anything within my 4×8 cell. But still, it was empowering. Kinda.

  14. I’m pretty sure he, um, finished. But he’ll be back, I imagine. Once you get a sweet piece of frame, it’s hard to live your life like you did before.

  15. Once you get a sweet piece of frame, it’s hard to live your life like you did before.

    If you say so, dude. I guess you’d know.

  16. let’s see if we can hook the squirrel up with the spider that was hanging out outside of linguist’s office…

    multi special (sic!) frame humping – proof that the evangelical right was correct about electing Barry Hussein!

  17. So Spider-Man and the Hulk are Stevens’ supporters? How will they–particularly the Hulk–handle this defeat?

  18. Well ya know up here in the great state of Alaska also we do things differently up here than in the lower 48 we’re more mavericky also I guess God has closed one of those doors for me now since it won’t even be a little cracked for me to appoint myuself to the Senate. Also.

  19. hasta la vista. Dont let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya! Corruption is bliss now isnt it?

    jess
    http://www.privacy.de.tc

  20. He represents with almost focus-group intensity virtually everything that is wrong with American politics. He’s a whining crybaby, a special-interest towel boy who was, like his equally repellent former colleague Sen. Robert Byrd (D-W. Va.), slowly mailing the entire federal budget back to his home state in a never-ending series of priority packages large and small. Stevens’ loss is the nation’s gain.

    Very nice.

    I know nothing about Presumptive Senator Begich, but I will go out on a limb and guess he’s a fast learner, and Alaska will see little disruption in the flow of federal largesse.

  21. Begich is from Alaska. And he is a politician. Being from the land of Gravel, Stevens, Palin, Young, and Murkowski, he is either a nut, corrupt as hell, or both.

  22. How will they–particularly the Hulk–handle this defeat?

    HULK SMASH!

  23. Sure, we can take him out of the Senate. But we’ll elect another one just like him.

  24. And there’s an insane squirrel humping the window frame outside my office.

    Webcam!

  25. I guess God just closed that door for Palin.

    Have for Governing your state with $40/barrel oil!

  26. If only Prop 8 had passed… we could have a wedding for that squirrel and spider and they could have lived happily ever after… until the spider gave birth to and was devoured by a hundred horny squirders.

    I can hear them screeching and see their eight hairy legs, each with a bony, grasping hand.

  27. I can see Russia from my cell.

  28. I’d feel better about his leaving the senate if Alaska wasn’t sending some other politician to take his place.

  29. I really have the most contempt for the free-loaders who take advantage of tax-payer funded roads, parks, and schools. If dishonest know-nothings wouldn’t use the bridges to nowhere, they wouldn’t get built. How many of the bozos who post here are the products of public schools and state universities? Stevens is small potatoes compared to you hypocrties!

  30. Stop spoofing me you assholes!

  31. How many taxpayer funded roads did you douche-suckers drive on today?

    Assholes.

  32. Keep spoofing me libtards. Meanwhile, the state grows and grows and grows! Soon we will be nationalizing the auto industry. What will you fucking cumsticks say then?

  33. I haven’t even posted yet today. All those are your stupid spoof posts.

  34. 9:38, 9:39, and 9:42 are me. The rest are spoofs.

  35. Soon we will be nationalizing the auto industry. What will you fucking cumsticks say then?

    Man, these cars built by a bureuacrat-heavy, non-customer responsive, fail-proof organization suck just like Yugos did.

  36. Ironically, 9:49 was not me, but was otherwise accurate.

  37. 9:39, 9:44 and 9:49 are me. The rest are spoofs.

  38. So we can expect to live with this joke for how long?

  39. What exactly is Lefiti’s philosophy of government anyway?

    He/she isn’t exactly a leftist since he was pro-bailout.

  40. A Trabant built in Alaska would at least have a good heater.

    Probably.

    Maybe.

    It could.

  41. A Trabant built in Alaska would at least have a good heater.

    Does a fireplace count as a heater?

  42. Your Iceberg Is Waiting…

    Reminds me of an episode of South Park…

    “What do you think you’re doing?”
    “We’re setting you adrift, idiot.”

  43. So we can expect to live with this joke for how long?

    You’re going to have to be a little more specific, Citizen. Which joke? Stevens? Begich? The US Senate? The Big 3? Lefiti? Lefiti spoofs?

  44. The other messages are real, this is the only spoof, assholes!

  45. I haven’t posted in this thread yet, dickholes!

  46. The only thing that ever worked on my ’79 MG was the heater. I swear I could roast a turkey on the passenger side floorboard.

  47. Lefiti/Lefiti spoofs NEVER get old.

  48. The only thing that ever worked on my ’79 MG was the heater.

    Wow! I’m going to call that an outlier; none of my LimeyShitboxes ever had a heater which was worth a damn.

  49. A Trabant built in Alaska would at least have a good heater.

    I can see carbon monoxide poisoning from my house.

    Sleepy now. So sleepy…

  50. PB,

    I fully admit it might be a fluke. If the heater was supposed to be shitty, then a working heater would have be “broken” for that nightmare. It’s a good first car though. You have to learn to work on cars very quickly, or get used to beating your feet.

  51. How many lightbulbs can you guys put in your ass? My record is six. Compact fluorescent.

  52. The only thing that ever worked on my ’79 MG was the heater

    This is why one does not own Limeymobiles. Even Jags. I remember an auto shop in Paterson, NJ where the one and only thing they did was replace the engines in Jaguars with American V-8s.

  53. You make a good point, RC.
    Let’s say “all of the above”.

  54. Wasn’t Jaguar nationalized at one time?

  55. I thought he won.

  56. BDB,

    Yes, during the 70s.

  57. So was MG.

  58. I’m going to take a wild guess that nationalized Jaguar didn’t work very well?

  59. They spun off quickly. The wiki article is interesting. I had no idea they started off as the Swallow Sidecar Company. Which sounds really dirty.

  60. Lefiti @ 10:07

    You make a good point. Compact flourescent lights are much less likely to shatter, thus maximizing the safety of your activities.

  61. joe – LOL!

    Sugar – we now shall measure your respiration rate as you get groped by 500 of-age girl scouts of your choosing.

  62. WOO! As long as a few of them look like this… Double WOO!

    (SFW)

  63. I AM LEFITI!!!!

  64. WOO! As long as a few of them look like this… Double WOO!

    God you’re old.

  65. No, I just like 60s chicks. Skinny ones, at least.

  66. a name before submitting the form | November 19, 2008, 10:19am | #

    I thought he won.

    There were a ridiculous number of uncounted ballots that they just got around to counting in the past few days. Absentee ballots, challenged ballots that needed a count-or-don’t-count decision being most of them.

  67. VM,

    It’s really not nice to keep posting pictures of Episiarch like that. He has a little expectation of anonymity, you know.

  68. They have to be flattering – he threatened me with this if I didn’t.

    (that’s Lefti, btw)

  69. indeed – the arms are a side effect from the gold paint.

  70. It’s really not nice to keep posting pictures of Episiarch like that. He has a little expectation of anonymity, you know.

    Yeah, what the hell, VM? I thought that little girl scout “play” was just between us.

  71. Ah. It makes totally sense now.

    I’ll be back in a minute, I’ve, uh, have to go to the hardware store…

    WHO WANTS TICKETS TO THE GUNSHOW? YEAH!!!

  72. WRONG AGAIN, VIKING MINION! EDWARD IS THE PARKING ATTENDANT FROM FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF.

    EDWARD: “You guys got nothing to worry about; I’m a professional.”

  73. serves you right, Epi, for not letting me play “Terence the excitable pony” last time. hrumph.

    oh mighty URKOBOLD, don’t forget this pic of EDWEIRDOOOOO

  74. VIKING MINION, GO STAND IN YOUR CORNER LIKE THOSE KIDS IN THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT UNTIL THE URKOBOLD DEVISES A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT FOR YOU. THE URKOBOLD IS STILL EXPERIENCING NAUSEA FROM VIEWING YOUR PICTURE.

    AH, THE URKOBOLD HAS A PUNISHMENT. YOU SHALL NOT BE ALLOWED TO INTERVIEW ACTRESSES FOR THE NEW AND IMPROVED LIFETIME TELEVISION NETWORK.

  75. What you all need to realize is that even though you can say Ted was sendin pork to Alaska the fact is he was not. Very few homes in Rural Alaska have the modern conveniences as you all enjoy! Most home’s DO NOT HAVE flush toilets but rely on the honey bucket. The villages have a higher rate of disease and illness than the rest of the US. Ted was bringing home money for infrastucture in Rural Alaska that the rest of the US takes for granted! Alaska will now suffer as will the people of the State. Alaska is so huge there are 4 distinctly different regions that could be 4 different States yet because of the population here we are limited to our representation. Another fact is the US Government has never honored the Statehood Compact which allows Alaska the means to become self sufficient. The FEDS Control 80% of the land here even though they were to give a majority to the State. In many ways we are still a Territory Controled by the FEDS. Ted knew this and Tried to right the wrongs of the Federal Government toward the State of Alaska. Wallow in your delight that Ted is gone now but Begich is known for back handed deals out of public view and has worse ETHICS problems than TED! A SAD DAY FOR ALASKA but SADDER YET because BEGICH is going to Washington with only a High School Education!

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