Election Day Freebie Watch: Part 1

In an effort to take the pulse of the American electorate, yours truly will be blogging live all day from the places where democracy really matters: Stores where an "I Voted" sticker entitles customers to free stuff.

Since I never vote, reason readers can rest assured that my objectivity will remain untainted by conflicts of interest.

I probably won't make it up to NYC today, so before I hit the mean streets of Washington, D.C., I'm going to kick things off with a news report. Toys in Babeland, a "woman-positive sex shop," is giving away freebies to those who present their ballot stubs, registration cards, or "word of honor" that they voted. The prize?:

For men, it's the "Maverick," a "sleeve" for self-pleasuring. According to a press release, "He's always there to lend a hand, he works for every man, and he bucks the status quo." Women can choose the "Silver Bullet" mini-vibrator, which is "a magical solution to difficult problems" and "a great stress-reliever during these troubled economic times!"

In related news, freebies may also be available from disconsolate young ladies sporting McCain buttons in D.C. bars tonight.

Stay tuned for more from Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, Ben and Jerry's, and more.

Comments

[cunnivore]

In related news, freebies may also be available from disconsolate young ladies sporting McCain buttons in D.C. bars tonight.

I hadn't thought of that. Is it too late to get a McCain button from my local GOP office?

[Kaiser]

Free sex toys for voting? What a concept. I guess they figure that after tonight we will all need as much pleasure as we can get. I only wish the local shops were so keen on giving out free things.

[Mike]

What better way is there to celebrate waiting in a huge line than by waiting in another huge line for a single scoop of ice cream? None, that's what.

[Episiarch]

In related news, freebies may also be available from disconsolate young ladies sporting McCain buttons in D.C. bars tonight.

Dude, freebies are even more likely from young female Obama supporters creaming their jeans over an Obama victory. It'll be like V-J Day.

[J sub D]

To my fellow citizens,
If your primary reason for voting is to get some masturbatory device gratis or a free ice cream, please don't.

Informed democracy thanks you.

[J sub D]

In related news, freebies may also be available from disconsolate young ladies sporting McCain buttons in D.C. bars tonight.

I used to joke about handing out business cards to ladies on the pier whenever a bird farm left for deployment.

Married sailors did not find it amusing.

[Lola]

And in related news, free coffee for voting may violate WA state election laws.

[Kaiser]

"To my fellow citizens,
If your primary reason for voting is to get some masturbatory device gratis or a free ice cream, please don't.

Informed democracy thanks you."

Oh but c'mon J sub D, if we vote for Obama we can get a free masturbatory device, donut, ice cream, coffee, AND health care. I mean it's really a win, win, win, win, and win situation here.

But seriously lets hope that the free offerings of these places doesn't convince anyone to get out an vote. The messiah has enough followers as it is.

[rana]

"Dude, freebies are even more likely from young female Obama supporters creaming their jeans over an Obama victory."

A coworker is a Huge Obama fan. She is constantly gushing about how brilliant Obama is.
She is single and willing... She is also 63.

[cunnivore]

This is a slippery slope. It won't be long before the only way to get ice cream is by fulfilling your civic duty.

[rana]

"It won't be long before the only way to get ice cream is by fulfilling your civic duty."

I read: "...by fluffing your civic duty."

I really got to get my mind out of the gutter.

[cunnivore]

Given the stereotypes, I would think Libertarians make up a disproportionately large percentage of compulsive masturbators. So isn't this a good thing, since it's likely to swell the Libertarian vote?

[robc]

BTW, giving a freebie for voters is a Class D Felony in KY.

[robc]

I see Lola posted something similar about WA.

[Bingo]

Luckily the donut can also double as a masturbatory device, so thats one less line to stand in!

[cunnivore]

Dude, freebies are even more likely from young female Obama supporters creaming their jeans over an Obama victory.

But make sure you wear a condom, as whatever you do with her you're likely doing with a bunch of male Obama supporters as well.

[Episiarch]

She is single and willing... She is also 63

Some dudes like granny action, rana. Not me, but they're out there. Maybe she can get some tonight.

"How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people, so that's what I did, too!"

[cunnivore]

Bingo, I don't think that'll work for me, as my favorite donut is the Chocolate Long John.

[Kaiser]

The free donut is a rip off anyways. At least around here, as long as the "Hot Now" sign is on they hand you one while you are waiting in line.

[Episiarch]

But make sure you wear a condom, as whatever you do with her you're likely doing with a bunch of male Obama supporters as well.

Vote Fuck early and often!

But make sure you wear a condom, as whatever you do with her you're likely doing with a bunch of male Obama supporters as well.

Not to worry. Straight, male Obama supporters are an endangered species.

[rana]

"Bingo, I don't think that'll work for me, as my favorite donut is the Chocolate Long John"

Oh God, this is just too... so many ways...

"chocolate long john"?!

I'm sure you can be creative.

[Reformed Republican]

since it's likely to swell the Libertarian vote?

[Reformed Republican]

since it's likely to swell the Libertarian vote?

It will swell the libertarian voters, anyway.

Server squirrels ate my comment!

[Jerry]

That was quick to find McCain a new job...oh wait.

[Lamar]

I guess I'll use my free Starbucks coffee to give the ol' dirty Sanchez. I certainly don't want to drink it.

[Santoroid]

It will swell the libertarian voters, anyway.

And here I thought the swelling was because I was allergic to the cat.

[Hugh Akston]

For men, it's the "Maverick," a "sleeve" for self-pleasuring. According to a press release, "He's always there to lend a hand, he works for every man, and he bucks the status quo." Women can choose the "Silver Bullet" mini-vibrator, which is "a magical solution to difficult problems" and "a great stress-reliever during these troubled economic times!"

It seems like I've read very similar qualities attributed to something else lately. What could it have been?

[thoreau]

If your primary reason for voting is to get some masturbatory device gratis or a free ice cream, please don't.

Well, it beats the shit sandwiches that the candidates are serving.

Serious comment: When I was a poll worker, I was told that it was illegal for restaurants to offer freebies to people who sport "I voted" stickers. Or maybe the freebies were only illegal if given in exchange for a ballot receipt or something more official like that. The ballots that we gave out were torn from a pad with stubs that came off as your ballot receipt. (The purpose of the receipt escapes my recollection at the moment, but apparently it was illegal to trade it for anything.)

[Shem]

In the halcyon days of early American democracy, people used to give booze out to voters. Everyone took the day off, went down and voted, then spent the rest of the day getting drunk at the candidates' expense. I miss those days.

[Lefiti]

Thanks, but I'd rather watch guinea pigs mate than watch you trying to be cute, Katherine.

[Lefiti]

Thoreau-

"The ballots that we gave out were torn from a pad with stubs that came off as your ballot receipt."

What? Who gives a shit? You really need to work on your narrative style.

[Episiarch]

What? Who gives a shit? You really need to work on your narrative style.

Holy shit that's rich. There's this thing called "irony", Edward. Look it up.

[Falcon92131]

So sure, a cup of coffee, a doughnut, or free Ben & Jerry's is nice. But for a truly significant break, cosmetic dermatologist Dr. Mitch Goldman of La Jolla Spa MD in La Jolla, California sent out an offer to his client list that he'll give a 20% discount all Election Week on any procedure or treatment. That's FREE BOTOX, my friends! This could be worth several hundred bucks. Now, to be perfectly legal under California state law, it's on the honor system and anyone can make the request. Dr. G. says he's doing his part to support democracy and beautify America. There's nothing else like it anywhere in the country - do a Google search and see for yourself. Get out the vote, get out the wrinkles.

[Episiarch]

That's FREE BOTOX, my friends!

"You injected me with Mexican collagen?!?"

[dhex]

"Thanks, but I'd rather watch guinea pigs mate than watch you trying to be cute, Katherine."

no shit! guinea pigs are fucking hilarious. that's like saying i'd rather hug kittens than breakdance. duh, of course everyone would rather hug kittens.

your analogies are fucking terrible!

[Mike Laursen]

I guess I'll use my free Starbucks coffee to give the ol' dirty Sanchez. I certainly don't want to drink it.

I'm drinking mine right now. Their "Thanksgiving Blend", which pretty much tastes like their everyday blend. But, hey, it was free!

[Lefiti]

I'm a little butt rapist.

[Lefiti]

You've led me to your secret libertarian base. Now I'll bet you want to start TORTURING me, don't you? Argh, my nipples are so tender, don't squeeze them anymore!

[GG]

Women can choose the "Silver Bullet" mini-vibrator, which is "a magical solution to difficult problems" and "a great stress-reliever during these troubled economic times!"

If it's not a Hitachi Magic Wand, it's not worth the trouble.

[Becky]

By not voting you do indeed take the high ethical and moral road. I have lectured the people that stop by my blog to do the same--all we do by voting is legitmimize and validate the system by which these characters are selected.

Usually, however, I do cast my vote for the Libertarian Party candidate--even though that participation in the process is just as bad as selecting from Dumb and Dumber. And this year--I am not going to vote for a Dixiecrat--and being a Doubting Thomas, I am not so certain Bob Barr had an authentic libertarian epiphany.

I don't know what happened to me this year--I guess I just got too concerned about what I am certain is Barack Obama's true political philsophy/agenda and decided I should hold my nose and check McCain--so I did so.

Now I feel a litle better, having made a public confession.

~Becky

[DannyK]

I'm frankly shocked there's not a toy called THE ONE, or something similar. Would-be entrepreneurs, there's your niche!