Indicted Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) Wins Primary, Drills into Cliche Reserves, Dubs His Election "Piece of Cake"


The corrupt and contemptible Republican senator from Alaska, Ted Stevens, who first burst onto the political scene shortly after the land bridge between North America and Asia disappeared, is in fine form after winning his GOP primary.

Stevens is up on federal charges that he hid more than $250,000 in freebies and whatnot from proper disclosure, but his entire career is a case study in the more acceptable form of graft that characterizes American politics: He's a leading theorist of intertubular cyberspace, a bully and a pork-shoveler deluxe, wants the FCC to police naughty talk everywhere on the planet, and believes, like Kim Jong-il and the Blues Brothers, that his position is direct result of god's providence.

In the general election for his Senate post, he faces an actual opponent (a popular mayor) and a procedural speed-bump: His trial is going to keep him off the campaign trail for a month or so. Yet, Stevens, the longest-serving Republican in the World's Least Impressive Deliberative Body, is digging deep into an ANWR-rich reserve of cliches to ensure his backers everything's just ducky. From the AP account:

The 84-year-old Republican handily won his primary race for Senate and immediately proclaimed the November election a "piece of cake."…

"I'm doing my job," he said. "Alaskans trust me. This is still a Republican state."…

"The fight's on," Stevens said after his win. "I've got the troops behind me."

More here. I believe he also counseled Little Leaguers to "just straighten it out," "protect the plate," "get a little bingo," and "attaboy."

Here's hoping Stevens gets a tribute at next week's GOP convention in Minnesota!