Politics

Indicted Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) Wins Primary, Drills into Cliche Reserves, Dubs His Election "Piece of Cake"

|

The corrupt and contemptible Republican senator from Alaska, Ted Stevens, who first burst onto the political scene shortly after the land bridge between North America and Asia disappeared, is in fine form after winning his GOP primary.

Stevens is up on federal charges that he hid more than $250,000 in freebies and whatnot from proper disclosure, but his entire career is a case study in the more acceptable form of graft that characterizes American politics: He's a leading theorist of intertubular cyberspace, a bully and a pork-shoveler deluxe, wants the FCC to police naughty talk everywhere on the planet, and believes, like Kim Jong-il and the Blues Brothers, that his position is direct result of god's providence.

In the general election for his Senate post, he faces an actual opponent (a popular mayor) and a procedural speed-bump: His trial is going to keep him off the campaign trail for a month or so. Yet, Stevens, the longest-serving Republican in the World's Least Impressive Deliberative Body, is digging deep into an ANWR-rich reserve of cliches to ensure his backers everything's just ducky. From the AP account:

The 84-year-old Republican handily won his primary race for Senate and immediately proclaimed the November election a "piece of cake."…

"I'm doing my job," he said. "Alaskans trust me. This is still a Republican state."…

"The fight's on," Stevens said after his win. "I've got the troops behind me."

More here. I believe he also counseled Little Leaguers to "just straighten it out," "protect the plate," "get a little bingo," and "attaboy."

Here's hoping Stevens gets a tribute at next week's GOP convention in Minnesota!

Advertisement

NEXT: MADD Logic

Editor's Note: We invite comments and request that they be civil and on-topic. We do not moderate or assume any responsibility for comments, which are owned by the readers who post them. Comments do not represent the views of Reason.com or Reason Foundation. We reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason at any time. Report abuses.

  1. Steven’s reckless spending is deplorable, and we might be better off if he loses the race. Nevertheless, I put little stock in indictments until the final verdict is in.

  2. Who the hell did they run against him? A syphilitic pedophile dogcatcher?

  3. Yay! This gives me hope that we could see Mittens for VP.

    Go Republicans!

  4. I gotta be honest, I originally read this headline as “Inebriated Sen. Ted Kennedy…”

  5. My thing is, when you’re so out of step with the world that your staff can’t even brief you about things that normal people use everyday, without using words that, when repeated, make you sound like an idiot, it’s time to end your service.

  6. I did the best I could Elemenope but his catch phrase slogans were to powerful.

  7. The rate of reelection of incumbants is ridiculous in this country.

    Stevens is one of my favorite senators though because he provides more than his fair share of absurdity.

  8. Somebody needs to accidentally leave a grizzly in Steven’s car. He can go out in a classic Alaskan way.

  9. Somebody needs to accidentally leave a grizzly in Steven’s car. He can go out in a classic Alaskan way.

    Or he could just take a tour bus through Canada.

  10. Who the hell did they run against him? A syphilitic pedophile dogcatcher?

    I don’t believe the Libertarians fielded a candidate in this race.

  11. Or he could just take a tour bus through Canada.

    Killing him with boredom is cruel, even for me. Mauling is faster and more humane.

    “We moved here from Canada, and they put me in this class because they think I’m slow, eh?”

  12. Unfortunately, he didn’t have real competition. Hopefully Ron Paul-endorsed Rep. Don Young lost his primary to LG Sean Parnell. I understand that they’re still counting votes there.

  13. Who the hell did they run against him? A syphilitic pedophile dogcatcher?

    I don’t believe the Libertarians fielded a candidate in this race.

    lmao

  14. Elemenope,

    I’ve often wondered about the staffer who was instructed to brief Senator Stevens on what the internet is.

    That poor kid.

  15. Stevens should be giving the keynote address for the Republican convention; his determination to stay the course makes him an inspiration to us all.

  16. I think Stevens faced 5 GOP challengers, and they divided the opposition vote. But Stevens could probably beat anyone in Alaska. He has better name reconition there than Moosehead beer, and his tenure makes it possible to fill the alaskan barrels with pork.

    Sparsely populated states often make the devil’s bargain of keeping around a powerful, yet corrupt, legislator who can bring disproportionate federal money into the state instead of voting for powerless, idealistic representatives. See Virginia, West; Byrd, Robert.

  17. Killing him with boredom is cruel, even for me. Mauling is faster and more humane.

    Apparently you were under a rock a few weeks ago when a whacked-out Canadian bus rider decapitated and then mutilated a fellow passenger.

  18. That poor kid.

    Unless he made bets with his fellow interns about who could get their boss to say the most ridiculous thing in public.

    In that case, he won, and big.

  19. joe,

    That poor kid.

    He’s a Republican intern. He’s happy to explain to grandpa how the VCR works. Beat’s being buggered.

  20. Apparently you were under a rock a few weeks ago when a whacked-out Canadian bus rider decapitated and then mutilated a fellow passenger.

    “Chip here does the killin’. I don’t like to kill. I’m the brains, eh? Like, we got over five billion dollars in our hideout, only some of the money’s marked, eh, so we’re not spendin’ it. We’s just waitin’.”

    “Youse guys like a smoke?”

    “No, eh? We want our lungs to be pink when they fry us. Hey, we told ’em we didn’t want a lawyer. Chip here probably just kill him anyway.”

  21. The silver lining is that Gov. Sarah can win this senate seat back in six years?

  22. Hamlet on LSD, that film was.

  23. Sadly people love the pork. All my in-laws are Massachusetts Democrats and all equally appalled and embarassed by Ted Kennedy. Yet, they all vote for him saying that if they didn’t the state would lose power in the Senate and federal money with it. I am sure that is what is going on here. With any luck Stevens will be in Prison in a year or two and the Governor can appoint someone less loathsome to fill the seat.

  24. Fscking server squirrels!

  25. Hamlet on LSD, that film was.

    “If I didn’t have puke breath, I’d kiss you.”

  26. With any luck Stevens will be in Prison in a year or two and the Governor can appoint someone less loathsome to fill the seat.

    Stevens is losing by double digits to Begich.

  27. “Stevens is losing by double digits to Begich.”

    Good for him and shame on Republicans for nominating the old bastard and giving away the seat.

  28. Stevens is losing by double digits to Begich.

    Since we’re living in bizarro world anyway, Alaska may even flip at this rate.

  29. I’m dreading the prospect of a filibuster-proof Dem Senate, but if that’s the price for getting rid Stevens, so be it.

  30. There’s almost no chance of a fillibuster-proof Democratic Senate. If the Democrats end up with even 57 seats (with Lieberman), I’d be stunned.

    Maybe 2010, but not this year.

  31. It is pretty hard for one party to maintain a huge margin in Congress for very long. There just are not that many good politicians in either party and also the country is too evenly divided. You wind up with reps from districts and states dominated by the other party who are just one good opponent away from going down. Also, as you get more people in Congress you get more boneheads and can’t stay out of trouble.

  32. There’s almost no chance of a fillibuster-proof Democratic Senate. If the Democrats end up with even 57 seats (with Lieberman), I’d be stunned.

    What if you count Bernie Sanders as well?

    Ehh, the seats being defended are 23-12 Republican. I agree with you that nearly everything needs to go right for the Democrats for a filibuster-proof margin, but I don’t think that 57 is all that difficult. With this result, AK, NM, VA, and CO look like pretty safe Dem pickups, and NH only slightly less so. That gets you to 56 (if you count Lieberman and Sanders).

  33. When is the DOJ going to investigate Sen. Dodd for committing the exact same offense for which it indicted Sen. Stevens? According to press reports, Sen. Dodd accepted below-market mortgages from Countrywide, with a value to him of $78,000 over what you or I would have have paid, and failed to disclose that freebie on his Senate disclosure forms. What’s sauce for the goose, etc.

  34. “and believes, like Kim Jong-il and the Blues Brothers, that his position is direct result of god’s providence.”

    He may be right. Like the Romans said, “those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.”

  35. DBL,

    Dodd is a crook to. But most of them are. I would love to see the payouts that Biden got for writing that abomination of a bankruptcy bill a few years ago. Biden is in the pocket of the credit card companies. Dodd was in the pocket of the mortgage companies. Hal Heflin used to be owned lock stock and barrell by Hollywood (amazing how a Senator from Alabama spent all of his time crusading about copyright law).

  36. When is the DOJ going to investigate Sen. Dodd for committing the exact same offense for which it indicted Sen. Stevens? When there’s evidence of any wrongdoing whatsoever?

    According to press reports, Oh, according to press reports.

    …Sen. Dodd accepted below-market mortgages from Countrywide, with a value to him of $78,000 over what you or I would have have paid, but not over what someone with a credit history and assets comparable to Chris Dodd’s would have paid.

    …and failed to disclose that freebie on his Senate disclosure forms. Unlike, say, a contractor doubling the size of your house, getting a refinance from your bank so that you don’t refi at another bank isn’t considered a gift.

    Seriously, Chris Dodd’s mortgage is about a quarter point below mine, and I’m not worth squat. Give it up.

  37. No, seriously, it’s just the Bush DOJ going easy on Democratic officeholders.

    Yeah, that’s it.

  38. All my in-laws are Massachusetts Democrats and all equally appalled and embarrassed by Ted Kennedy. Yet, they all vote for him saying that if they didn’t the state would lose power in the Senate and federal money with it.

    Wow! It always amazes me that people will continue to elect bigots and crooks, like Thurman, Helms, Stevens, and Kennedy. Just how much corruption are people willing to stomach to get federal dollars? Kennedy left someone to die. If he actually intended to kill her, would that have been enough of the electorate of Massachusetts? Stevens could probably get away with raping sheep since he wouldn’t have to worry about the vote of the sheep constituency.

  39. Stevens could probably get away with raping sheep since he wouldn’t have to worry about the vote of the sheep constituency.

    Girl sheep? Maybe. Boy sheep? Never.

  40. I doubt anyone will even watch the GOP convention, what with it being on Labor Day and a hurricane bearing down on the Gulf Coast.

    Of course given that the Republican brand is in the toilet, that could be a *good* thing for John McCain.

  41. If he actually intended to kill her, would that have been enough of the electorate of Massachusetts?

    Dude, they’re Massholes. Nothing they do makes sense.

  42. Wasn’t Chris Dodd’s father also involved in some shady deals when he was in the Senate?

  43. John, being mad at Biden (who represents Delaware) for being in the pocket of the credit card companies is like being mad at a North Carolina Senator for being in the pocket of the tobacco companies.

  44. We can haz link to convenshin blog?

  45. Joe, scroll up and look to your right. There’s a big button above Drew Carey that says “REASONS LIVE 2008 CONVENTION COVERAGE”.

  46. Hey, look at that.

  47. Beat’s being buggered.

    Who’s Beat, is she hot, and is there video?

  48. I’ve often wondered about the staffer who was instructed to brief Senator Stevens on what the internet is.

    I think this a problem they have with Bush as well. When trying to explain things, he talks to everyone as they’re idiots, and comes off very condescending. The problem is, anyone explaining something to Bush has to explain to him like he’s an idiot, because he is, and that’s the only way he’ll get. So when it comes time to head in front of the cameras, that’s the only way he knows how to relate.

    I can picture the conversation between the staffer and Stevens, and the poor staffer probably spent an hour and tried about 15 different lines of attack before finally settling on “look, it’s kind of like a big truck, or like sending something through a tube…” That’s the only thing that would make sense to Stevens, so that’s the only way he describe it.

  49. Seitz,

    Bush is an idiot who can’t unerstand the internet but somehow managed to fly F104s in the Air Guard. Wow those things must really fly themselves.

    When are you people going to come up with a new schtick?

  50. so that’s the only way he describe it.

    er, that’s the only way he *could* describe it.

  51. It’s not just Stephens, by any means.

    I remember seeing Ted Kennedy on his cable access show, talking about “the…er…ah…web numbah…” for some online group. And, of course, George Bush “knows there’s been a lot of rumors on the internets,” and John McCain is learning how to get on himself.

    Anyone ever read Future Shock?

  52. Leave with Stevens, die with Stevens. The Alaska GOP voter has made his or her intentions know that they are ready to commit suicide.

    Amazing that an indicted Stevens wins easily while Don Young is in the fight of his life. Still, to show I’m not a kool-aid drinker, Ron Paul should have never endorsed Young. He maybe a friend and fellow House member but he’s s symbol of everything that’s wrong with the GOP and worse undercut the efforts of his own supporters in Alaska who are more than likely working for Parnell and the GOP’s Palin-Reform wing. It was a dumb move, he should have stayed out of it.

  53. Bush is an idiot who can’t unerstand the internet but somehow managed to fly F104s in the Air Guard.

    McCain can’t understand the internet and flew jets too. What’s your point? If you’re arguing that Bush has the cognitive ability to learn a specific task, I don’t disagree. If you’re arguing that learning to fly a plane is proof that you can understand and digest all sorts of complex technical issues, well, I think you’re wrong.

    But you’ve had your lips around Bush’s dick for so long, that your comment doesn’t surprise me.

  54. Seitz, are you also a believer in the “Vote for us, you mouth breathing hicks!” That has been the Democratic “strategy” since 2000?

  55. an idiot who… somehow managed to fly F104s in the Air Guard.

    You’ve obviously never spent any time around sprint car drivers.

  56. Bush was a C student at Harvard. There have been no news reports that I am aware of that his grades were purchased. So he was an mediocre student at one of the finest teaching institutions in the land. That does not equate dumb.

    Note that being less articulate than a barking dog is not a direct indication of lack of intelligence. Some of the smartest guys I know are painful to listen to in any conversation.

    Bush deserve heaping piles of criticism for his policies. But his policies are the result of his political philosophy, not his brain power or lack thereof.

  57. You’ve never heard of “gentleman C’s” Kinnath?

    Once you’re in Harvard, you don’t flunk out.

  58. If you’re arguing that learning to fly a plane is proof that you can understand and digest all sorts of complex technical issues, well, I think you’re wrong.

    I’ve been through ground school (related to work), and I can affirm that you are full of shit.

  59. Seitz, are you also a believer in the “Vote for us, you mouth breathing hicks!” That has been the Democratic “strategy” since 2000?

    I believe that you shouldn’t be ashamed of being smart. Ignorance isn’t something one should be proud of. You shouldn’t have to act like a mouth breathing hick to get mouth breathing hicks to vote for you.

  60. So, Seitz, if you guys lose this time will it be because McCain ran a better campaign? Or will it be because the American people are stupid dumbasses?

  61. Anyone ever read Future Shock?

    Yah, a while back, but it didn’t leave much of an impression.

    I think that voters should take seriously the notion that politicians can become obsolete, much like anything else. Of course, what I think voters should take seriously and what they actually take seriously haven’t ever exactly been similar.

  62. You’ve never heard of “gentleman C’s” Kinnath?

    You mean the ones that got Kerry through college?

  63. Har har Bush is teh stoopid. There are a zillion reasons to detest the guy but some people just have to go “he’s a stupid chimp!” Do you know how dumb this makes you look? How idiotically juvenile it is?

    It embarrasses me that people who are purportedly on the same side as me throw the “Bush is a moron” shit out there all the time. He’s easily capable of understanding “unitary executive” and “fuck FISA”, so he’s inteeligent enough to be dangerous.

    Get a new line.

  64. I would love to see the payouts that Biden got for writing that abomination of a bankruptcy bill a few years ago.

    Oh, c’mon. Biden’s not pocketing anything. I think his kid works for credit card companies, but that’s just coincidence.

  65. . . . so he’s inteeligent enough to be dangerous.

    Yup

  66. Yup, the ones that got both Kerry and Bush through college. FWIW, Bush got rejected from University of Texas but got into Harvard. If that isn’t buying a degree I don’t know what is.

    Really, the only really smart Presidents we’ve had since the 60s have been Nixon and Clinton.

  67. Really, the only really smart Presidents we’ve had since the 60s have been Nixon and Clinton.

    One impeached, the other resigned.

  68. I never said smart is equal to moral.

  69. So, what are you saying exactly?

    Kerry is dumb because he got gentleman C’s, but Bush isn’t even though he did too.

    Nixon and Clinton were corrupt, so its better to elect people who aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. Is that you’re point?

  70. Where you addressing me?

    Kerry’s campaign (or his surrogates) were blasting Bush for his low grade point in college when it was noted in the press that Kerry’s was lower.

    Regarding Nixon and Clinton, I was just noting the irony.

    Bush’s policies are easy enough to refute on merit. I tied of people that can’t make the effort and just call Bush stupid (for which there is no direct evidence that he is anywhere outside the norm of intelligence — above or below).

  71. So, Seitz, if you guys lose this time will it be because McCain ran a better campaign? Or will it be because the American people are stupid dumbasses?

    Probably a little bit of both. But regardless of who wins, I’m pretty sure there’s a large swath of the electorate made of up stupid dumbasses.

    Har har Bush is teh stoopid. There are a zillion reasons to detest the guy but some people just have to go “he’s a stupid chimp!” Do you know how dumb this makes you look? How idiotically juvenile it is?

    I don’t think it’s so much that he’s stupid, but that he’s intellectually lazy and incurious. For example, you can learn to drive a car without having the slightest idea about what actually makes a car go, but chances are that you’ll be a better driver and take better care of your vehicle if you have some idea about the process.

    Similarly, I would rather have someone making policy who takes the time to understand the necessity, mechanics, and likely results (good and bad) of that policy over someone who just says “tell me what will happen if we pass X”. Maybe I’m completely wrong (and I’ll submit that it’s very possible), but my sense is that Bush is much closer to the latter. That doesn’t mean that he lacks the ability to understand, it just means that he lacks the will.

  72. You’ve never heard of “gentleman C’s” Kinnath?

    Given that a) universities in general tend to lean hard to the left and b) Kerry made Bush’s grades a campaign issue, it seems to me that if any professor tha had ever felt compelled to give W a grade he didn’t deserve, it would have made it into the press.

    So as I posted earlier, there have been no news reports of any kind the W didn’t actually earn his C’s.

    Give it up and move on already.

  73. Note that engineers are not actually required to learn to type to function on a daily basis.

  74. Kinnath, nobody in Ivy Leagues earn their C’s. They’re given. Again, NOBODY flunks out of Harvard, they make sure you get through.

  75. This goes for Bush, for Kerry, whoever. If you get a 2.0 in Harvard it is the equivalent of flunking out of say, UVA or UT.

  76. I agree Stevens is an XXXX and should go. But what always gripes me is the Democrats are past masters at this and unless the crime is egregious ($96,000 on ice for example) they are never investigated or charged or even reported in the MSM.

  77. Kinnath, nobody in Ivy Leagues earn their C’s. They’re given. Again, NOBODY flunks out of Harvard, they make sure you get through.

    A bold, unsupported assertion.

    Provide a link or shut up.

  78. On the subject of Cs, wasn’t he at Harvard for business school? I’m told that in graduate school, As are like As, Bs are like Cs, and Cs are like Fs. I know that’s how it was in law school. Cs in undergrad are occasionally acceptable. But Cs in graduate school are far, far worse, or such is my understanding.

  79. you forgot “show a little hustle”

  80. George Bush can’t be unintelligent, because John Kerry’s campaign said the opposite.

    ‘kay.

  81. This Alaska Republican long ago stopped supporting Uncle Ted. It’s not so much the pork, really, but is more the man’s exaggerated sense of entitlement and (befuddled) arrogance.

    During this primary election cycle he reminded me of the drunk at the party. Amusing, entertaining even, someone you stare at with incredulity for the first five minutes of the spectacle. Then you throw him out the door. Without his jacket.

    In the dead of an Alaskan winter.

  82. I just hope they finally change my damn name.

  83. I guess John Kerry must be really bright then, right Kinnath?

    For the record, Jeb Bush’s brother made Phi Beta Kappa. That’s a hell of a lot more impressive than W.

  84. Learn how to use google, Kinnath. I’m not going to waste my time finding data for someone whose in 28%er land.

  85. Er, should have said “W’s brother, Jeb”.

  86. I guess John Kerry must be really bright then, right Kinnath?

    You struggle with basic logic don’t you?

    Learn how to use google, Kinnath. I’m not going to waste my time finding data for someone whose in 28%er land.

    Your claimed it, you prove it.

  87. whose who’s in 28%er land.

    As an old geezer, I guess I just don’t recognize whatever insult you’re trying to make.

  88. On the subject of Cs, wasn’t he at Harvard for business school? I’m told that in graduate school, As are like As, Bs are like Cs, and Cs are like Fs.

    Depends on the school and subject. Lots of people flunk out of law school, and high grades to come by. B school? Couldn’t say from first hand experience, but the people I know who were double majoring at Harvard Law and Business were unanimous that the B School was much harder.

  89. Any comment regarding The US Senate or US Senators must begin with the all time dollar sucking, bilge pumping , klan loving , air using and greatest cesspool of collectively bad DNA ever assembled in one fat ignorant body, yes you have guessed it the all knowing , all loathsome one and only ROBERT F BYRD Democrat_WVA .
    Ladies and gentlemen thats 52 words( counting conjunctions) in one run on sentence. While its probably not a record it is a brief and fair description of the all time Democratic slush,cash and pork king . Thank you !

  90. “””Wow! It always amazes me that people will continue to elect bigots and crooks, like Thurman, Helms, Stevens, and Kennedy. Just how much corruption are people willing to stomach to get federal dollars?”””

    Why should you be suprised considering the people have picked their presidential candidates from the upper house of Congress after giving them the lowest approval rating in history.

    Alaskans probably don’t care about Stevens current problem since he’s so willing to stand on a limb to build his citizens an expensive bridge. It’s only pork spending when the money goes to a state differnent than yours. They are bringing home the money you had to surrender to the feds. Having the feds spend your federal tax dollars within your state is a good thing for you. Not so much for everybody else. What’s wrong with getting the benefit of your tax dollars?

    Sure, I’d like to abolish federal taxes, but that’s not going to happen. Period. At best they may change the way taxes are collected but you’ll still be paying.

  91. A Senator good at bringing home federal dollars will almost always be popular in his/hers home state.

  92. the people I know who were double majoring at Harvard Law and Business were unanimous that the B School was much harder.

    No kidding? The difficulty of business schools must vary widely.

Please to post comments

Comments are closed.