Conspiracy

Conspiracy Theory of the Day

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From The Australian:

Sonny Bono, former husband and singing partner of superstar Cher, was clubbed to death by hitmen on the orders of drug and weapons dealers who feared he was going to expose them, a former FBI agent claims.

Ted Gunderson, now a private investigator, has told the US Globe tabloid that Bono, who served as mayor of Palm Springs for four years, did not die after hitting a tree on a Nevada ski slope in January 1998 as everyone believed.

"It's nonsense for anyone to now try to suggest that Bono died after crashing into a tree. There's zero evidence in this autopsy report… to show such an accident happened. Instead, there's powerful proof he was assassinated.

"This was an evil plot that was carried out to almost perfection by ruthless assassins," Mr Gunderson told the paper.

The former agent, who has been researching Bono's accident for the past decade, said top officials linked to an international drug and weapons ring feared the singer-turned-politician was about to expose their crimes—so they had him killed on the slopes.

Link via our totally sane friends at the California Coalition for Immigration Reform, who add in their e-mail alert: "Rep. Sonny Bono was an outspoken American patriot who worked tirelessly to halt the illegal alien invasion of our nation AND focused his efforts on halting illegal aliens bringing drugs and weapons into the U.S."

Watch a stoned Sonny do a PSA against marijuana here. UPDATE: That link no longer works. Try this one.

NEXT: Validating Foreign Policy Folly

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  1. Was he clubbed to death by satanic child molesters linked to the highest levels of the U.S. government?

    Run a google search on Ted Gunderson. Hoo, boy!

  2. Ted Gunderson needs to go back on his meds AND drop his silly movie alias.

  3. I think Dr. David Kelly was killed.

  4. Ted Gunderson, ladies and gentlemen:

    The kidnapping of children for purposes of prostitution, pornography, high tech weaponry experimental abuse, mind control abuse, child slave labor for underground alien-controlled facilities, white sex slavery, and the satanic ritual murder of untold thousands of American children snatched from the streets and playgrounds of America by agents working for the CIA is the principle reason for the existence of a covert CIA operation called “The Finders”.

    ‘kay.

  5. Either I’m really stoned (and it’s 8:30 AM on a Monday, so anything’s possible) or the Sonny video is no longer available. Fire up the bong, Matt!

  6. I tried, joe, but I kept getting his cousin, Marge Gunderson, also in law enforcement!

  7. He was killed after he uncovered plans to detonate explosives in large buildings in response to terror attacks.

  8. high tech weaponry experimental abuse

    Clearly, it was Bush testing out his new “Infanticide 3000” ray gun.

    The new model has settings to target Arab babies, Black babies and Democrat babies.

    By the way, what do you get when you cut a baby with a strait razor?

  9. Wait, they are confusing terms here. Yes, while exteraterrestrial aliens are illegal, the proper distinction should be made as not to cast unneeded stygma on trrestrial illegal aliens.

  10. Thanks, Alan; updated the post.

  11. This is nice to see. I’m glad that Sonny’s tragic death got on the conspiricy merry-go-round.

    I always thought it would be sad for a mid-level celebrity to die and not get on the conspiro-nuts death list. Now all the top level celebrities get on it automatically and tens of thousands of un-named missing children and anal-raped farmers get on it, but the mid-level stars just don’t have that good of shot at it.

  12. whoa man
    That’s just fucking scary, yo

  13. child slave labor for underground alien-controlled facilities

    That is the best part, definitely.

  14. How could this be a Ted Gunderson conspiracy theory if there’s no reference to secret tunnels? I smell a rat…

  15. child slave labor for underground alien-controlled facilities

    Are they dressed as mill girls?

  16. By the way, what do you get when you cut a baby with a strait razor?

    An erection.

    *badum bum*

  17. And the beat goes on.

  18. This is more proof that the study of trees reaching self awareness in the next 20 years is terribly underfunded. We will be in a crisis if we do not act soon!

  19. Didn’t one of the Kennedy spawn die the same way, albeit more comically?

  20. ed,

    Yes, this the evidence of self-awareness in the plant world rather than some random druglord threat.

  21. “trees reaching self awareness in the next 20 years . . .”

    Never mind the next 20 years – what about Old Man Willow?

  22. Ted Gunderson + Joe Eszterhas = Hollywood Gold

    I’d go see a movie with those writing credits, that’s for sure.

  23. Didn’t one of the Kennedy spawn die the same way, albeit more comically?

    IIRC, they were playing catch with a football while skiing. And people of this gene poll are writing education legislation?

  24. IIRC, they were playing catch with a football while skiing.

    Skiing on real snow. Remember Kennedys and water do not mix!

    Let’s not forget the DHMO connection in all of this too.

  25. And people of this gene poll are writing education legislation?

    You see what you did there, right?

  26. Until now I had clung to the hope that anti-copyright forces had put that POS down.

  27. It’s ok. For every tragic Kennedy death there are three tragic Kennedy births.
    We’ll never run out.

  28. I think Gunderson is right. All those kidnapped people are forced to work to dig in underground caves so they’ll release ancient demons (Satanists) to sell illegal diet pills (drug cartels). It’s the MC Pee Pants plot.

  29. BP,

    Don’t forget about that underground DHMO network. They are probably doing DoD work in Iraq too, like Sen. Kerry was talking about.

  30. Look my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, ok? You know what I’m sayin? So I can’t move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much!

  31. They got him, babe.

  32. “Try this one”? It doesn’t work either. Stop f*cking with me, Matt! Stop f*cking with me! You’re bringing me down, man, AND I HATE THAT ON A MONDAY!

  33. MattW is so cool! Of course, some times WackyConspiracyTheories turn out – years later – to have been true or have a grain of truth. And, there turn out to be hacks who were either UsefulIdiots for those involved or who were simply paid off. While one shouldn’t rush to believe those theories, one should definitely look with suspicion on those who reflexively mock those theories. Especially when it’s done in a childlike attempt to smear a group that opposes illegal activity.

    P.S. If you’d like to see some real reporting, the kind you’ll never see from Reason, here’s something you probably didn’t know about:

    elandar.com/bush/amigos.html

  34. My bet is on the Duke of Edinburgh having something to do with it.

  35. So how long have foreign newspapers been getting their stories from US tabloids? US tabloids aren’t like British tabloids where they at least believe there is a fair chance that a story is… how do you say?… true.

    But I do enjoy how the CCIR cites the foreign press.

  36. And LoneWhackoff kills another thread. Thanks, dude.

    FWIW, I can probably hook you up with a Thorazine prescription if you’re running low.

  37. PS to LoneAsshole:

    I kill-filter you most of the time because of your IdiosyncraticUse of the SpaceBar and CapitalLetters, which is not nearly as cool or interesting as you seem to think it is. If you want people to take you seriously why do you type like such a retard?

  38. P.S. If you’d like to see some real reporting, the kind you’ll never see from Reason

    The day Reason starts printing articles that meet with your approval is the day I cancel my subscription, renounce libertarianism forever, join the Socialists, rewrite my will to make Bin Laden my beneficiary, and nuke Reason’s DC office just to make sure none of their pro-Wacko BatshitInsanity survives to PolluteTheGenePool of the NextGeneration.

  39. The day Reason starts printing articles that meet with your approval is the day I cancel my subscription,

    Contingent drink?

  40. Write the word “drink” in pencil on your desk calendar.

  41. That is the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard. Everyone knows hitmen cannot ski.

  42. The day Reason starts printing articles that meet with your approval is the day I cancel my subscription, renounce libertarianism forever, join the Socialists, rewrite my will to make Bin Laden my beneficiary, and nuke Reason’s DC office just to make sure none of their pro-Wacko BatshitInsanity survives to PolluteTheGenePool of the NextGeneration.

    Then how will people know to substitute caps with spaces for emphasis?

  43. That is the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard. Everyone knows hitmen cannot ski.

    Dammit Ashley! Haven’t you heard of the biathlon? It’s a training regimen specifically designed for international skiing hitmen.

  44. Everyone knows hitmen cannot ski.

    Plus the openning to a view to a kill and at least one other bond movie IIRC.

  45. For Your Eyes Only.

  46. Where is Gabe Harris?
    This is right up his alley.

  47. Ted Gunderson was the FBI Special Agent in Charles for Los Angeles… what makes Matt Welch think he is a better investigator? Was Matt Welch CIA or something? Does that outrank FBI?

    Or maybe I’m just missing some of Reason’s investigative reporting into Sonny Bono’s death that would give context to the contest-free attacks. Where is the article about the autopsy report? Maybe Radley Balko wrote something about the medical examiner?

  48. He was also Special Agent in Charge.

    (Of our days, and our nights.)

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