Boris Johnson: Off the Booze and Anti-Bag

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The New York Times profiles London mayoral candidate, television personality, and Tory polymath Boris Johnson (full, ultra-posh name: Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson). According to recent polling data, Johnson has taken the lead against the Labour incumbent, "Red" Ken Livingstone. The hard-left Livingstone—according to whom "capitalism has killed more people than Hitler" and the I.R.A. were "freedom fighters"—called the YouGov poll "totally implausible."

Some Boris bons mots from The Times:

He sampled an oyster. "Oysters for everyone!" he boomed expansively. "I promise to oysterize all of south London!" Searching for money to buy a magazine, Mr. Johnson excavated from his pocket some coins and a grubby piece of cheese. Asked what he could offer as mayor, he reeled off, "Optimism, energy, dynamism and creative ideas!"
[…]
"If you look at our agenda, I don't think you could contest the seriousness of the job or what we are trying to accomplish," Mr. Johnson said at the market, sampling a piece of sausage from a vendor. The vendor told him she was homesick for Poland. "Oh, dear," he said.
[…]
Caught cheating on his wife in 2004, Mr. Johnson tried to weasel out of it by calling the accusation "balderdash" and "ludicrous conjecture."

After it became clear that he was lying, he was dismissed from his position as the Conservative arts spokesman. "My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities," he said. "And indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters."
[…]
Buying a meat pie, he was asked whether he wanted it wrapped in a bag. "Yes, some kind of bag!" he responded, before remembering the party line, that plastic bags are bad for the environment. "No, we're antibag," he said. "We're going to hold it."

He glanced at his entourage, already laden with various Boris-accrued items, and edited himself again. "We're going to find a team of porters to hold it."

His aides kept a close eye on him. "Boris is off drink until the election is over," said one, cutting off a vendor who tried to give Mr. Johnson a cup of alcohol-laced cider.

BoJo's greatest YouTube hits can be viewed here. Below, Johnson's classic hard tackle of former German soccer star Maurizio Gaudino during a London charity match for the Bobby Moore Fund:

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  1. If I were a Londoner I’d vote for him for that dirty tackle alone. When I play dirty soccer, I try and conceal it; Boris just went flat out. And at a charity event no less. I wonder how loaded he was?

  2. His aides kept a close eye on him. “Boris is off drink until the election is over,” said one

    Hahahaha good luck. Boris is awesome.

  3. That’s Association Football you’re playin’ there, Boris, not Rugby or Australian Rules…

  4. That’s Association Football you’re playin’ there, Boris, not Rugby or Australian Rules…

    Man, are libertarians stupid when it comes to sports. He’s playing SOCCER, not FOOTBALL.

  5. I would just like to clarify that the above post was meant to be a joke. There’s no need to correct ClubMedSux; he’s fully aware that soccer isn’t really a sport…

  6. My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities,” he said. “And indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.”

    I like this guy! I’m going to use that.

    Is it original with him? Its positively Shavian.

  7. Awesome tackle there, Boris. The referee was probably laughing too hard to send him off.

  8. To help people understand the joke in ClubMedSux’ original post.

    The word ‘Soccer’ is actually a contraction of ‘Association Rules Football’, by Brits who were into shortening up cumbersome phrases and replacing them with a more pleasing and trippy lingo.

  9. Why can’t our politicians be funny? Even the completely irrelevant ones like Ron Paul and Bob Barr are such fucking ernest bores.

  10. That’s Association Football you’re playin’ there, Boris, not Rugby or Australian Rules…

    Actually since Gaudino wasn’t actually holding the ball it wouldn’t have been a legal tackle in Rugby. And it was too low too be legal in Aussie Rules, even if the play had bee holding the ball.

    But technicalities shouldn’t be allowed to get in the way of a joke, should they?

  11. I blame Congress. Parliamentary systems, certainly in the British style, require a lot more liveliness on the rhetorical feet, and that seems to trickle-down into ordinary life.

  12. Considering that Ken seems like an asshole, I’d vote for the funny man, whatever his policies are.

  13. L1NKB0T,

    Holy shit, TAC needs a comments section. I followed Raimondo’s links looking for some smoking guns and found some casual mentions of Matt and some articles in which he bashes on Chomsky and other liberals for mistaking their own rhetoric for facts (and essentially undermining noninterventionism by associating it with bullshit). Nowhere did I read where Matt advocated interventionist military policy.

    Quick! somebody get Raimondo some meth!

  14. This post kinda makes me miss Marion Barry.

  15. I wonder how loaded he was?

    Did you catch me on Today, today, Episiarch?

    they even let me talk!!!

  16. Seriously, who keeps “grubby cheese” in their pockets? Its like he was trolling for someone to ask about it.

  17. Also,
    <accent>New York city??!</accent>

  18. Dennis has been, and always will be, a giant douche. He used that foul mouth to slob Putin’s knob more than once.

    I don’t usually talk like that, but I can’t express enough contempt for Raimondo.

  19. Parliamentary systems, certainly in the British style, require a lot more liveliness on the rhetorical feet, and that seems to trickle-down into ordinary life.

    You’ve obviously never been to Canada.

  20. Caught cheating on his wife in 2004, Mr. Johnson tried to weasel out of it by calling the accusation “balderdash” and “ludicrous conjecture.”

    Ha! Amateurs. We Yanks are way ahead on this. We blame vast right-wing conspiracies, thus shifting the onus to the accuser.

    Also, we have the stones to simultaneously prosecute and fornicate high-end prostitutes. Our Yankee doodles are dandy!

  21. Have at Raimondo here.

    Not sure why would take him seriously.

    As someone who has wholeheartedly supported the liberation of Iraq since 1991, I find the allegation that Welch is somehow on my side of that issue pretty funny. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything at Reason that could be characterized as supportive of the effort.

  22. we have the stones to simultaneously prosecute and fornicate high-end prostitutes.

    fornicute.

  23. There are a lot of chowderheaded mics with last names like Moynihan who aren’t hard left and think the IRA are heroes — must be a Rangers fan ehh Micky?

  24. I hope Red Ken gets the win, actually. Can no one appreciate the entertainment value of a communist-run locality within a market country?

  25. Hey, Gaudino was almost at midfield. What was BoJo supposed to do?

  26. I don’t know. I’d love to see a cage match between Messrs Welch and Raimondo. Justin may be barely adhering to his meds, but he occasionally raises a damn good point or two.

  27. Since Boris was tackling a German, I think that it’s entirely possible his campaign might air it in its entirety as an ad. The Brits f’ing hate the German football team, even those who don’t necessarily hate Germans.

    I’m surprised that the Livingstone campaign hasn’t made a similar pledge re alcohol. When I was there, he’d made news by getting wasted at a party and tumbling around a bit.

  28. Rimfax, If you can make it through the entire thing, “Who is Matt Welch?” elaborates and allows comments. It pre-dates “Matt Welch, Neocon Mouthpiece” by one day.

  29. ^^^LOL!

    Wow, those are some bitter people. I haven’t seen that kind bitter sniping since reading a David Horowitz article.

    That’s a pretty scary group of supposed Libertarians.

    Their equivocating about the Ron Paul newsletter was astonishing.

  30. Famour – uhh, who the hell are you again?

    nobody with nothing to say? No surprise.

  31. Who am I? who the fuck are you?

    If you can’t read, then that seems to be an issue with your education, not mine.

  32. Reading that bitter back and forth from that site, and Ayn_Randian’s (you can’t be serious with that handle) preemptive “how dare you,” I am absolutely thankful that I am not silly enough to call myself a Libertarian.

    Some people are attracted to group labels like flies to shit, or Christians to a Nativity scene.

    What I have found while observing this whole “Who Gets To Be The Real Libertarian” minstrel show, is that Libertarianism is just as much a religion as any run of the mill Church. You guys are so wrapped up in your ideology that nothing ever gets accomplished. You’re too busy fighting over who gets to define your philosophy. Sound familiar?

    You still have people upset that this site exposed Ron Paul as your typical paranoid, conspiracy theory baiting Conservative, and you still haven’t recovered from it.

    Everyone that has struggled to employ damage control after the uncovering of the newsletters is doing nothing but clowning themselves, and making the many critics of the movement seem like geniuses.

    Reason, and its refusal to become some stale, grumpy rag, like the site that was linked to, has my support.

  33. Mein Gott! Edweiiirrrdddo in a lucid moment! Will you PUULLLLEEEEEEZZZZZEEEE stick to your promise this time????

  34. oh, yeah, and DRINK!

  35. Did you catch me on Today, today, Episiarch?

    they even let me talk!!!

    I was driving. Please tell me you had someone TiVo it and you will post it on YouTube.

  36. “Oysters for everyone!” he boomed expansively.

    And miniature Union Jacks for others!

  37. Libertarianism is just as much a religion as any run of the mill Church.

    Yes. I don’t believe in an invisible god. I believe in an invisible hand.

  38. Can no one appreciate the entertainment value of a communist-run locality within a market country?

    Well, perhaps not anyone who ahs actual contact with it.

  39. Yeah, Boris plowing over that Hun is very likely to play well among the English.

    That was a tremendous tackle. I wonder if all the alcohol made the ball seem oval to him…

  40. The “Mother Country” sometimes make me wish I was an orphan.

  41. I’ve looked at the Raimondo thread and all I can say is, “What a bunch of assholes”, especially the AmCon writers. I mean, two of the most abusive comments I saw (using the terms “Fuck you” and “geek”, respectively) were from Raimondo and Paul Gottfried. What planet are these guys on?

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