Quote of the Week

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"It comes to a point where there are certain things you just can't do. And putting testicles on the back of a truck is just too much. So I am trying to stop it."

—Marlyand Virginia Del. Lionell Spruill, who has intruduced a bill aimed at the popular "Truck Nuts" accessory. Spruill's bill would ban "anything on a car or truck that looked like human genitalia."

MORE: One reader emails to wonder if Spruill's bill wouldn't ban some car models entirely.

NEXT: The Holy Trinity

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  1. What about my “ASSMAN” plate?

  2. They are f*ing tasteless, but they serve as very useful moron identification tags.

  3. Spruill’s bill would ban “anything on a car or truck that looked like human genitalia.”

    Genitalia eh? Well ok, as long as they leave the Bus Boobies alone.

  4. He might not want to qualify genitalia with the word, “human”. He may end up with the unintended consequence of other species’ genitalia hanging from those trucks, some of it real.

  5. But they’re useful! When the battery goes dead, you just tickle ’em for a jumpstart!

  6. Come to think of it, flowers fall other the category of others species’ genitalia.

  7. I agree that it is an excellent moron ID tag. Why would legislators want us to accidentally socialize with these people when we could be warned when we see their truck parked at softball practice?

  8. They are f*ing tasteless, but they serve as very useful moron identification tags.

    I have to agree. It’s like a social biohazard sign.

  9. My 10-year old son and his friends think they are hilarious.

  10. Next up on the ban list: Jingle Jugs.

  11. So this bill would ban pistons too?

  12. gaijin,

    That’s it! It’s FOR THE CHILDREN.

  13. Real men chain two bowling balls to their truck chode.

  14. It’s clear: Spruill’s got no balls.

  15. Where’s the bumper sticker? You know the one I’m talking about –

    You can have these nuts when you pry them out of my cold, dead…

  16. I wonder how many who own these smack their faces on them when they get out from underneath the truck after working on it…

    That would be justice right there.

  17. “I agree that it is an excellent moron ID tag. Why would legislators want us to accidentally socialize with these people when we could be warned when we see their truck parked at softball practice?”

    exactly, its like a “warning, stay away” sign…

  18. On another note, the kind of asshole who buys a yellow truck should be expected to make other tasteless decisions.

  19. VW Beetle w/ bumpernuts = hermaphrodite

  20. FREEDOM IS ONE THING, TESTICLES ARE ANOTHER. THE URKOBOLD SUPPORTS THE BAN.

    TITS ON THE CAR ARE ACCEPTABLE, HOWEVER. BOUNCY, BOUNCY.

  21. What if this labia car crashes into the truck nuts?

  22. But I can keep my Chatty Kathy Head trailer ball protector, can’t I?

  23. America’s retard legislators will never keep up with our innovators.

  24. I feel the need for some AC/DC.

  25. What is the problem with the ban? I think these are really disgusting and tasteless and the government has a right to ban them. I don’t want my kids seeing them.

  26. thoreau,

    Don’t be fooled by the hype. That song is about gala events. Just like that song by The Who is about accordions. People are so gullible!

  27. But when they’re driven for pleasure they’re the cars that I like best…

  28. I don’t want my kids seeing them.

    There’s a parallel bill mandating underwear for farm animals.

  29. You’re right Suzette; it’s proven that children under the age of 17 will experience seizures after direct visual exposure to anything resembling male genitalia. The government does indeed have the right to ban such dangerous, in fact, downright deadly paraphernalia.

  30. Spruill’s bill would ban “anything on a car or truck that looked like human genitalia.”

    If this bill passes, I’m torn between three possible responses. Which one do you guys like best?

    Option one: buy a pair of these and spray-paint them metallic silver, so that I can thenceforth say “But these DON’T look like human genitalia, because human genitals aren’t this color.”

    Option two: buy a set of these and spray-paint them white with little pink dots on the end, so I can thenceforth say “These don’t look like genitalia; they look like breasts. Really old and saggy breasts. I keep them around as a sort of personalized memento mori, y’know, they’re marginally less depressing than a skull.”

    Option three: call the cops to report EVERY SINGLE PERSON with a car antenna, because that long, skinny antenna with the tiny little knob-thing on the end looks like a very very long and skinny uncircumcised penis.

  31. I don’t want my kids seeing them.

    Kids? Screw the kids, I don’t wanna see the dam things neither.

  32. Note to all and sundry: Suzette is most likely Dan T.’s wife. Chill, y’all.

  33. I never have seen them. Who knew Floridians had such class?

  34. I dunno Lamar, that car is uglier than dog poop, grounds for banning it, but I don’t see the resemblance to female anatomy. Course I don’t think the linked Vette photo bears much resemblance either.

    OTOH, I never did well on the rorschach test either.

  35. The weiner mobile needs to be taken off the streets too.

    TWC: I didn’t see it at first, but they appear to have made an effort to outline the front grill and give it a nice little cleave right down the middle. Of course, one has to assume that it is sideways owing to it being a Japanese car…… Can I say that?

  36. Considering that this is likely to be interpreted and applied by some of the same people who can see Jesus in a piece of burnt toast, I predict hilarity will ensue.

  37. LOL, of course you can’t say that, Lamar. Especially if you ever want to run for president or get any respect from the Cosmotarians.

  38. What is the problem with the ban? I think these are really disgusting and tasteless and the government has a right to ban them. I don’t want my kids seeing them.

    Welcome Danielle T!

  39. Damn, all these comments and NOBODY bothers to point out that Spruill is from Virginia, not Merry Land? He’s one of yours, Jennifer, from Chespeake City or something like that. We got some fucked up laws up here, don’t get me wrong, but this guy’s down there.

  40. I can understand the tacky mudflaps with the outlined chrome plated naked chick and all the rest of the dumb stuff that certain males display on their vehicles to assure the motoring public of their manhood. But I don’t get the dangling balls thing. I mean, how macho is hanging a set of dangling balls off the trailer hitch? Maybe the shrinks are right, these guys are all in the closet and secretly hankering for an encounter on the wild side of West Hollywood.

  41. On another note, the kind of asshole who buys a yellow Dodge truck should be expected to make other tasteless decisions.

  42. Radley,

    As much as we both might wish otherwise, Spruill is not from Maryland, but Virginia (Chesapeake).

    Funny thing about Chesapeake pols…Algie Howell, who penned the “droopy drawers” bill a couple of years back, is from the same area.

  43. He’s one of yours, Jennifer

    The FUCK he is. I got the hell out of the Southland and moved North to the Land of Rationalism. Our politicians would NEVER submit legislation outlawing stuff that looks like human genitalia.

    They would, however, try to outlaw anything that looks like a gun, because guns are scary and go boom.

  44. Wait ’til she sees my tailpipe sphincter.

  45. TWC,

    I thought these were on cars driven by married women. You know, like showing off scalps or how many Zeroes you shot down.

  46. They would, however, try to outlaw anything that looks like a gun, because guns are scary and go boom.

    Merry Land suffers from that, no doubt.

  47. As much as we both might wish otherwise, Spruill is not from Maryland, but Virginia (Chesapeake).

    That’s right, we have enough of our own legislative batloons up here, we don’t need anybody assigning us any from abroad.

  48. FREEDOM IS ONE THING, TESTICLES ARE ANOTHER. THE URKOBOLD SUPPORTS THE BAN.

    TITS ON THE CAR ARE ACCEPTABLE, HOWEVER. BOUNCY, BOUNCY.

    Egil?

  49. In 100 years, I hope this law will be in the books of “wacky laws”, alongside the one that outlaws getting a fish drunk in the street on Sundays.

  50. They would, however, try to outlaw anything that looks like a gun, because guns are scary and go boom.

    But so do my testicles!

  51. I always thought these are bull balls, at least that’s how they’re marketed locally. So, the human genitalia thing is off base.

  52. I don’t see the “moron” aspect of these. I see it as a statement of “I think its funny and fuck you if you don’t like it”

    Some people think of all drivers with crap hanging from their rear-view mirrors as morons. For others its the Jesus fish or the socccer balls. Its a common form of bigotry that explains why a certain plant will always be illegal. Not being able to mind your own fucking business seems to be a trait held by a majority people, even the supposedly liberated.

  53. I don’t see the “moron” aspect of these. I see it as a statement of “I think its funny and fuck you if you don’t like it”

    I think you answered your own statement here. You just missed the part about “I’m a moron for what I think is funny, as I can’t grasp anything more sophisticated”.

    Some people think of all drivers with crap hanging from their rear-view mirrors as morons. For others its the Jesus fish or the socccer balls.

    “Some”? I guess a fraction greater than .7 would still be “some”, so I guess you’re ok here.

    Not being able to mind your own fucking business seems to be a trait held by a majority people, even the supposedly liberated.

    I personally think the people that do this are rather childish, and not in any danger of elevating the average IQ of the gene pool. However, that’s my opinion, if they want to show their childishness to the world, so be it. As for bigotry, well, we are all subject to our own preconceptions. Mine include the guy with the balls hanging from his truck not being the guy I want representing my company, and yes, if someone has shit hanging from their rear view it does affect my perception of their intellectual abilities. It’s not a terminal thing, I’m more than willing to consider subsequent data, but I make no apologies for the initial assumption as it’s based simply on my experience to date. That said, I have no desire to regulate such things, I respect laws too much to have so many silly ones.

  54. “I think [testicles are] funny and fuck you if you don’t like it”

    These people don’t think the testicles themselves are funny. They think the idea of offending old grannies with their big bad balls is funny. They are douchebags who go out of their way to offend. “Moron” is just the polite term for these F-faces.

  55. I hope people aren’t judging me based on the Cthulhu fish I have on my trunk.

  56. But if you ban tasteless crap, you take away my right to identify and avoid personal interaction with jackholes.

  57. In 100 years, I hope this law will be in the books of “wacky laws”, alongside the one that outlaws getting a fish drunk in the street on Sundays.

    Libertarian principle supports my right to get a fish drunk on the street any day of the week I please. The fish is my property and the government has no right to tell me that I can’t get my property drunk if I so desire. Freedom lovers! Stand up for your fish/drinking-related rights, or you’ll lose them too!

  58. Well, at least we got the low pants/artificial testicle banning guy out of my state, leaving me with the stealth taxing/ban firearms that are scary normal jackasses that we have for politicians here.

  59. Right brand truck, but piss-yellow belongs on the other coast!

    Betcha he has a 6 cil. in that thing and is trying to hide it.

  60. When Trailer hitch nuts are outlawed only outlaws will have trailer hitch nuts.

  61. other Matt, and the Darwin fish? Isn’t that just to offend Christians? Childish, right?

    Pricks who are easily offended need to be offended more often. If it takes other pricks to do it, that’s fine with me.

    I don’t think the window stickers with the guy pissing on the Ford or Chevy symbols are inherently intelligent, but I wouldn’t make assumptions about the owner either.

    I’m thinking of hanging a tea bag from my trailer hitch.

  62. While I agree that they are useful moron identifiers, I note that the truck is a yellow Dodge Ram.

    So it was already obvious that the owner is a moron.

    The useful thing about the bill, however, is that it clearly identifies Lionell Spruill as a moron.

  63. “other Matt, and the Darwin fish? Isn’t that just to offend Christians? Childish, right?”

    Certainly a valid point, but in the face to offend Christians, Darwin fish is clever, while truck nuts are, shall we say, crude.

  64. How many of us have been to Brussels and NOT gone to see the Mannekin pis?

    Maybe it’s a little more artistic and tasteful than the ‘bumpernuts’, but the umpteen zillion plastic copies for sale in Brussels shops aren’t.

  65. I thought Virginia is for Lovers. Seems to me that vehiclular displays of human genitalia would only reinforce a government sponsored ad campaign.

  66. Just to let you Reasonoids know, the feminist blogs are finding this as hilarious (and nutty) as you are.

    (Majority of comments fall along lines of “couldn’t this legislator find something else to do with his time?”)

  67. That truck doesn’t look like a Dodge Ram. Dakota maybe? And as we all know, Morons drive Toyotas.

  68. bbs

    Look at the chrome piece just below the tailgate latch.

  69. Arsen,

    That ram is on all Dodge drucks. My 1986 Dakota had them on the wheel inserts and on the side, IIRC.

  70. This Dakota has it too.

    http://www.autocult.com.au/img/gallery/full/TorqueOmata3575.jpg

    I don’t think the ram means it is a Ram model. But, I’m not a Dodge guy. My last experience with Chisler/Dodge was 1975 Cordoba.

  71. other Matt, and the Darwin fish? Isn’t that just to offend Christians? Childish, right?

    I’m not offended, I just think it childish in the same manner as giggling about farts and the like. Perhaps it’s just me, but some things are just juvenile.

    However, if that fits you, knock yourself out. I said what I said, as a statement of what I know of myself, you seem inordinately concerned with justifying it.

    Read what I said, I think that trying to regulate them is ridiculous, but I think the same of radar detectors and red light cameras, so I guess I’m losing in VA.

  72. Ram is on my Durango too, it’s just a Dodge thing.

  73. OK.

    I’ll concede it’s not a necessarily a Ram.

    However, it is a Dodge, which means he’s still a moron.

  74. Aresen, offending people is childish. No offense.

    “However, if that fits you, knock yourself out. I said what I said, as a statement of what I know of myself, you seem inordinately concerned with justifying it” – Other Matt

    Cool. But, could you explain why….

  75. I’ve railed against them damned things more than once before (here and here). Amen to government getting back to what it should be doing more often: protecting us from the stupidity of others.

  76. Wait ’til she sees my tailpipe sphincter.

    I heard Urkobold has a trailer hitch protector made of used taints.

    Six, married women, you may be on to something. I had a girlfriend once that always made me leave my wee knee on the top of the refrigerator when I went out with the guys. I’d tell her the other guys are bringing theirs, but it didn’t cut no ice.

  77. My last experience with Chisler/Dodge was 1975 Cordoba. That would do it.

  78. However, it is a Dodge, which means he’s still a moron.

    Big Sigh. There was a time when Mopar = high tech go-fast king. There was also a time when the term “Cadillac” was commonly used as a modifier to describe something of excellent quality. As in, that watch is the Cadillac of watches.

    OTOH, Ford has always been an acronym for Found On Road Dead.

  79. Shouldn’t truck nuts be hexagonal?

  80. They think the idea of offending old grannies with their big bad balls is funny

    Can’t fault you Lamar.

  81. I heard Urkobold has a trailer hitch protector made of used taints.

    TWC,
    What were they used for? Chin-rests?

  82. FORD=First On Race Day

    At least when Carroll Shelby was involved.

  83. Friggin’ Old Rebuilt Dodge.

  84. NoStar, I gotta say that a 427 Cobra is hard to beat. Especially a real one.

  85. Friggin’ Old Rebuilt Dodge Keith Black Hemi.

    I rest my case. 🙂

    So, you like them Shivolays?

  86. Shouldn’t truck nuts be hexagonal?

    Not if you used an impact wrench to put them on

  87. However, it is a Dodge, which means he’s still a moron.

    My wife, who is something of a gearhead, drives a Dodge Magnum. The one with the Hemi and the Mercedes suspension. One of the best cruising vehicles I have ever been in for under $60K.

  88. I’m a music snob, so I care more about how quiet the car is rather than how fast it is. Infiniti G35, not so bad.

  89. Will the law apply to things like this?

    Of course the best license plate of all time was not a vanity plate at all.

  90. “””Spruill’s bill would ban “anything on a car or truck that looked like human genitalia.”””

    Would that ban the Oscar Meyer Weinie mobile?

  91. Cool. But, could you explain why….

    Why what?

  92. “…Human Genitalia…”????? Lionell needs to have his eyes checked. I’ve seen a couple of these decorations “hanging around” here in Texas, and I immediatly thought (based on size, and shape) that they were intended to mimic Bovine Testes (bull balls).

    Then, again, maybe I don’t look for human sexuality in every cowboy’s truck adornments.

  93. I personally think the people that do this are […] not in any danger of elevating the average IQ of the gene pool.

    Actually (theoretically) IQ is defined such that 100 is the average value for the population. That means the average IQ can’t move, since even if everyone gets smarter they will simply be assigned fewer IQ points per intelligence level and the average will remain 100.

  94. Since this legislator is a giant dick, I guess he’ll have to tint all his windows to get to work and if I’m not mistaken VA has laws against that. Just more proof that it’s impossible not to be breaking some law at any given moment.

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