"I Rise Today To Introduce The Ocular Penetration Restriction Act of 2007"


Possibly the most important piece of legislation being debated in Congress. Ever.

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  1. It’s for the children.

  2. I’ll keep an eye out for ya!

  3. did you WTFV? It’s for the grannies, not the children.

  4. Oh my! I did not realize it was such a problem. I mean, I saw a youth involved in it on the town common the other day, but I figured it was just a local issue.

  5. The Onion used to be funny.

  6. Now this is something the other tour guides won’t tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a “bitch”. And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or “shiv”, and cut out the bitch’s eyes. And as if this wasn’t enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch’s ocular cavities….This way to the cafeteria!

    Everyone calls me Vickie

  7. Hey, the audio just might be NSFW.

    I like that the legislation is projected to reduce skull fucking by five to seven percent.

  8. John, I thought I was the only one who memorized that speech in college. The world is truly worse off without Phil Hartman around.

  9. Used to? I think the Onion News Network has been something of a renaissance for them. I’m frankly surprised it took this long to expand into the video medium.

  10. possibly the most libertarian thing I’ve ever seen.

  11. While on the subject of ocular legislation, why do you have to have a prescription to buy eyeglasses or contact lenses? Can’t we be trusted not to wear ones out of which we can’t see?

  12. Nick, I opened that at work! I thought it might have been about regulating LASIK or something. If I get canned for that, it is the last contribution I send the Reason Foundation.

  13. Hilarious. And yes, NSFW, but I get to work from home today.

  14. That is not an Ohio accent.

  15. I’m definately glad I watched that AFTER calling VA House candidates all morning. I’m not sure I could have kept from laughing as I imagined them saying “skull fucking” over, and over, and over again. Good thing I have headphones too.

  16. For the sake of balanced debate, I present an opposing view on skullfucking by comedian Bob Saget. This is even less work-safe (and child-safe) than the Onion video. It’s from The Aristocrats, one of the funniest documentaries ever.

  17. The Onion became substantially less funny around the time that the A/V Club debuted. I think these two facts are connected. Real comedy is fueled by the self-loathing and fears of inadequacy of its writers; I’m not saying that gloom is real comedy, only that comedy teams who are satisfied with themselves and pat one another on the back tend to produce garbage. The A/V Club was proof that the Onion had become aware of the status they now enjoyed — naturally, it coincided with a steep decline in the quality of their output.

  18. take heart, hale, with the fact that the AV club writers have nothing to do with the satire part of the Onion.

  19. I have never ever said this before.

    “By God, I wish I’d known the content before clicking the link!”

    I’m not a big fan of people who demand to be notified whether something is SFW or NSFW or WTFNSFW!! but maybe that’s owing to my personal situation never requiring such a forewarning….

    I just clicked the provided link, with the computer volume set at MAX, in a children’s hospital, in the MOTHERFUCKING PLAYROOM!!!!!

    And I gotta tell ya, my own mortification was even funnier than the clip. Thank you reason!! 🙂


  20. I never thought the word “skullfucking” could be used so much in such a short timespan, or to such funny effect.

  21. While on the subject of ocular legislation, why do you have to have a prescription to buy eyeglasses or contact lenses? Can’t we be trusted not to wear ones out of which we can’t see?

    Of course not, anymore than the government thinks you can be trusted to take painkillers without a doctor’s supervision.

    I don’t know if this is still the case in Texas, but I remember reading a Molly Ivins column complaining that the legislature changed the law to make it illegal to buy glasses with a prescription more than two years old. Naturally, the legislature couched it in terms of protecting people from their own stupidity, but Ivins, who said she’d worn the same eyeglass prescription for decades, recognized it as nothing more than a government-mandated sop for the opticians’ guild.

  22. We need a safety goggle subsidy.

  23. There are some sick f#$%ing people in this world that deserve the death sentence for acts like this. It is really not mature to mock something as serious as this sounds. Manson-like behavior.

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