Fear! Fear Will Keep the Heterosexuals in Line!

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Last month Florida State Rep. Bob Allen allegedly offered an undercover cop $20 for the right to give him what we'll call "oral pleasure." Dan Savage had a good chuckle at Allen's expense—an anti-gay Republican caught on the down low! What are the odds?—but Allen has a cover story.

"This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other black guys around in the park," Allen, who is white, told police in a taped statement after his arrest. Allen said he feared he "was about to be a statistic" and would have said anything just to get away.

What a fascinating glimpse into the mind of one of American's leading legislators. I wonder if he thought the rest of the scary black men in the park were in on the plot. I wonder, too, why he figured "I think black men are terrifying and ork-like" would be a solid alibi.

NEXT: More Money Than Sense

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  1. wow.

    “i’m afraid i’m going to be beaten up, so i’ll offer to suck this guy’s dick first and that’s sure to get me out of this!”

  2. For a politician, it generally helps to be able to lie convincingly. This guy obviously needs remedial training.

  3. Because I was afraid he was going to fall down. The man’s pants were around his ankles for God’s sake!

  4. why he figured “I think black men are terrifying and ork-like” would be a solid alibi

    Because he was talking to cops?

    Funny story: At a previous job, one of the other programmers there (there were about 40 of us) really hated the job (for good reason) and was very bitter towards our employers (again, for good reason). One Friday night in the winter during a company event, he just walked into the testing facility and walked out with a cutting edge server box in his bag. He knew there were security cameras, that it was recorded, that he couldn’t possibly get away with this.

    Funny part: just after leaving the parking lot in his car with the server, he calls the front desk and says “I just saw a suspicious black guy in the parking lot. He looks like he wants to steal something.” That’s actually what he said.

    The rest of us had many chuckles about this, especially after he got escorted out of the building the following Monday after he was confronted with the security tape. He wasn’t a stupid guy (in only some ways, I guess), but his hatred of the company made him act pretty dumb.

  5. So what was he thinking about doing if the potential mugger accepted his offer?

  6. Maybe this guy used to hang out Ol’ Judge Korda.

    I bet he misses him…

  7. Because I was afraid he was going to fall down. The man’s pants were around his ankles for God’s sake!

    Great reference…

  8. Allen said he feared he “was about to be a statistic” and would have said anything just to get away.

    That explanation is hard to swallow.

  9. If this guy doesn’t like big black gay men wanting fellatio in the park, he can always move.

  10. Another quote from joe’s reference seems apt:

    “…because you *are* one of them. You are gay. You are gay. You are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you’re gay. I know it. Your family knows it. DOGS know it! Everyone seems to know it except you.”

  11. Okay. So the cop was black, and the white legislator offers him $20 for a BJ because he was scared of all the other black guys in the park.

    I think his only hope is the seldom-used “I was afraid that my masculinity was about to be challenged, so I needed to make somebody my bitch” defense.

    Works for me.

  12. After peering over the stall a second time, Allen pushed open the door and joined Kavanaugh inside, the officer wrote. Allen muttered ” ‘hi,’ ” and then said, ” ‘this is kind of a public place, isn’t it,’ ” the report said.

    Yeah, he sounds like he was terrified for his life.

  13. Because I was afraid he was going to fall down. The man’s pants were around his ankles for God’s sake!

    It’s because you’re gay. You are a homosexual male. Your wife knows it! The voters know it! DOGS KNOW IT! Everyone seems to know it, but you!

  14. Somehow I don’t think coming on to a guy, who you think is about to mug you, is the way to avoid getting hit.

  15. Wow, it took me forever to post that. Great (or dirty) minds think alike, Ryo….

  16. CLS,

    What if you’re a woman?

  17. Drew W,

    Maybe he thought it was like prison, and he was buying protection from the others.

  18. Uhh, when fellatio is being done under the threat of force, doesn’t it usually go the other way?

  19. Reminds me of poor old Bruce Heffernan in The Onion

  20. From the Savage article, without supporting citation:

    “Bob Allen has a strongly anti-gay voting record, a voting record that earned him a ‘worst of the worst’ rating from a gay political group in Florida! It’s true!”

    So what did he actually vote for? The only example Savage gives is a law against public masturbation in the presence of another adult, even if the other adult consents. I’m not sure why consent would be relevant in most public places – I think the govt can say that people in public streets, parks, and buildings shouldn’t behave that way even if they have an audience. Performer and audience should find some *private* property to use.

    If Trent Lott atoned for his insensitive remarks by declaring support of affirmative action, should this Allen guy atone by agreeing to legalize public wanking?

  21. I love this part:

    ‘When Allen was being placed in a marked patrol car, he asked whether “it would help” if he was a state legislator, according to a police report. The officer replied, “No.”‘

  22. Um, Orc. With a c. We’re not talking about British Isles here.

  23. Hey, I googled the headline, only to find that it’s a Star Wars quote. And I didn’t recognize it. I feel like I’ve grown as a person.

  24. I think nobody should be able to rip on joe until they post a well-timed Kids in the Hall reference.

  25. legalize public wanking?

    Didn’t some Judge in Massachusetts order police to stop arresting guys for having sex in public restrooms?

    Or did I only read that on World Net Daily.

  26. “We can rip on anyone we want…we’re FREAKS!”

  27. Fear of this battle station!

  28. Nerdlington, it’s often spelled Ork in non-Tolkien sources. Some games, for instance.

  29. Last month Florida State Rep. Bob Allen allegedly offered an undercover cop $20 for the right to give him what we’ll call “oral pleasure.”

    A far, far better excuse would have been to say, “No, I thought he was going to mug me and forgot to wait for the demand for money before I sneered, ‘Suck my dick!'”

  30. Oh, Florida, why oh why. This guy isn’t even the craziest elected politician around here. Seriously, we elected the craziest f’ers:

    On July 13, the Daytona Beach News-Journal reported that Edgewater city councilwoman Debra Rogers’ daughter accused her and her husband Daniel of battery. Ho hum, right? No, because this is Florida, so of course there were extra-stupid details just waiting to come out. For instance, this alleged battery occurred during an exorcism.

  31. When Allen was being placed in a marked patrol car, he asked whether “it would help” if he was a state legislator, according to a police report. The officer replied, “No.”

    Power to the people!

  32. I feel sad for this man, both in the obvious way and for the fact that he seems to think that being a state legislator will get him out of being arrested for soliciting sex for money.

  33. So wait ? These three cops on a stake-out, waiting for a burgler of condos who could come by any time see a white guy going into the restroom of a city park and think “he’s looking for a sexual partner,” so break stake to send one of them in to offer him a gargle for $20, then arrest him for solicitation?

    Something here just ain’t right.

    No, seriously. They decided to break the stake-out on a burgler, a criminal that enters peoples’ homes illegally and steals things and which can turn into a violent criminal if someone’s unexpectedly in the house, to go after a suspected john? That’s lousy police-work right there. And it doesn’t make much sense.

    There’s something else going on in this story.

  34. Sounds like Rep. Allen must be a fan of Wyckyd Sceptre.

    (Youtube logins available here.)

  35. The one thought he had a pretty mouth?

  36. Or did I only read that on World Net Daily.

    I think it’s a safe bet to say that legalizing public wanking is a Christian’s wet dream and would be quite appropriate to have been propagandized by the WorldNut Daily.

  37. The one thought he had a pretty mouth?

    Maybe the cop went in looking for a sexual partner ? You know, quick BJ to break the monotony.

  38. Bob Allen, Florida co-chairman of John McCain’s presidential campaign, offers to pay to blow a cop.

    Monsignor Alan Placa, Rudy Giuliani’s childhood friend, is employed as a consultant for Giuliani Partners, despite a 2003 Suffolk County, N.Y., grand jury report that accuses Placa of sexually abusing children, as well as helping cover up the sexual abuse of children by other priests.

    The Reverend Ted Haggard, once a frequent advisor to President George W. Doofus, regularly paid for buttsex.

    At least Sen. David Vitter (Giuliani’s Southern chairman) chose adult (working) women to get randy with.

    What is it with Republicans and male-on-male sex?

  39. …should this Allen guy atone by agreeing to legalize public wanking?

    It is legal, isn’t it? Otherwise, what would Tucker Carlson do on his show?

  40. Well that makes perfect sense. The best way to evade certain death from accidental exposure to big black guys in a park at night is to offer to suck their dicks…obviously.

    Case closed as far as I’m concerned.

  41. Sounds like Rep. Allen must be a fan of Wyckyd Sceptre.

    Heh. My boss (who was a walking HR nightmare to begin with) was relating the salient points of this sketch in the lab one day, when the director of HR walked passed the open door, and heard only the following phrase. “Now guys, I’m gay, and what you’re doing here, that’s gay!” He just shook his head, defeated, and walked on.

  42. Brian24 | August 6, 2007, 3:57pm | #
    Fear of this battle station!

    Is it “fully functional”? Christ, I’m mixing Star Trek jokes with Star Wars jokes. All my character growth is gone down the drain.

  43. What’s wrong with these guys? Haven’t they heard of Craigslist?

  44. What is it with Republicans and male-on-male sex?

    Sounds like Republicans have a representative minority of homosexuals among their elected officials (they just don’t like to admit it).

    Oh, and pedophilia is different from homosexuality.

  45. The fact that it’s illicit and involving prostitution may make it more exciting. But the reality is horny guys will say/do anything to get sex. In the heat of the moment and you really want to blow some guy, you’ll pay twenty bucks if it gets you what you want.

  46. Were the handcuffs really necessary, officer?

    Well, actually, that was your husband’s idea.

  47. Alexander,

    The cops behavior makes perfect sense. Preventing property theft clearly takes a back seat to to the threat that two men might be engaging in gay sex. That’s what kind of troubling about this story. In the zeal to get in snarky comments and beat this legislator down for his hypocrisy, the horrifying reality of the State’s war against victimless crime- with a special emphasis on rounding up those nasty gays- gets swept under the carpet.

  48. I find it strange that the whole premise for the officer entering the bathroom was that he noticed “strange behavior”. Why is it that they won’t even tell us what this “strange behavior” is? If they could justify that, I could buy the majority of the rest of the claims, if the dialogue is as it is claimed.

  49. What is it with Republicans and male-on-male sex?

    If you’re so self-loathing that you have to resort to getting your man-on-man sex in a public park, you’re much more likely to get “caught”.

  50. The more I think about this, I actually kind of feel bad for the guy. I mean, it’s one thing to be a piece-of-shit politician that has no principles and is willing to do anything to get elected, but to be willing to deny your own sexuality in order to get elected (or to satisfy some fucked religious belief formed 5000 years ago) is really kind of sad. Then again, I’m sure his wife is loving the fact that he sucks off complete strangers in the park as well.

  51. A far, far better excuse would have been to say, “No, I thought he was going to mug me and forgot to wait for the demand for money before I sneered, ‘Suck my dick!'”

    Actually, I think he would have sneered, “Suck your dick?”

  52. Come on it is common knowledge that 99.9% of all large black male muggers are also gay.

    Chaulk up another worthless fucking politician. Yet the others will still be thumping away the day telling us how to live as is the norm.

    These are the quick thinking minds we have in charge of our country. Scary fucking thought isn’t it?

  53. Don’t forget Naugle, the anti-gay Democrat mayor of heavily gay-populated Ft. Lauderdale, who spent $250,000 of taxpayer money on a robotic port-a-potty to “prevent gays from using them for sex”, despite the fact that local police repeatedly stated this was not a concern and there had been few, in any, arrests. (Primarily because, George Michael aside, people who are openly gay generally don’t do that. It’s for closet cases.) When gays demanded an apology and started a “Flush Naugle” campaign, the mayor stepped up his game and publicly announced he was waging a war to combat rampant homosexuality in the area, despite the fact that there was little support for this even among the straights, due to the fact that the gay tourist trade is one of Ft. Lauderdale’s primary sources of income. This all just happened recently.

    Regarding the cops “suspicious behavior”…his report clearly states that Allen *climbed over the top of the cop’s stall* …what more incentive did the cop need? How can one even hint at entrapment?
    Isn’t it more likely that the cop was just taking a dump, and concocted the “suspicious activity” motive so as not to get chewed out by his superiors for walking away from a stakeout to go take a crap?
    If you’re a cop in a stall and someone suddenly jumps in offering you money for sex, why does it fall on the cop to offer an explanation for his presence?

  54. …nines my limit on schnitzengruben…

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