Congress

I'd Rather Be Governed by the First Ten Apostles in the Bible….

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…than by these ten very Christ-y congressmen that Radar snarkily profiles today as "America's Holiest Congressmen."

They believe that Jesus is the way out for Iraq, still use the phrase "Christendom" unironically, saved Tom DeLay from a life of sin, think stopping gay marriage is the most important issue facing our nation, count minutes and seconds (not just years) from Jesus' birth, believe in saying "God bless you for that Big Mac," and talk of being "hot for Jesus Christ."

NEXT: Mitt Romney Doesn't Care About Muslim People

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  1. Yeah, forget the War on Christmas, we need a war on “Have a blessed day.”

    Want to improve my day? Start by not creeping me out with your Ned Flandersisms.

  2. hot for Jesus: Sounds like Cartman’s band, Faith plus One.

  3. I feel sorry for their children.

    And to think, our society’s general consensus holds that Jesus freaks are superior parents.

  4. Jesus Christ.

  5. Can’t we have these people declared ‘a danger to themselves and others’?

  6. Thanks for not blessing me when I sneeze.

  7. “Tancredo suggested bombing Islamic holy sites such as Mecca as a reasonable response to another terrorist attack on the U.S. ”

    Please tell me that is inaccurate, a fabrication, a misunderstanding.

    How could anyone with more brains than a nematode advocate such a stupid idea? The thought that such an idiot is in Congress makes me shudder.

  8. talk of being “hot for Jesus Christ.”

    I can totally relate. I felt the same way the first time I heard “Christian Woman” from Type O Negative:

    A cross upon her bedroom wall
    From grace she will fall
    An image burning in her mind
    And between her thighs
    A dying God-man full of pain
    When will you cum again?
    Before him beg to serve or please
    On your back or knees
    There’s no forgiveness for her sins
    Prefers punishment
    Would you suffer eternally
    Or internally?
    …All through mass manual stimulation
    Salvation
    Corpus Christi
    She needs
    Corpus Christi, Corpus Christi
    She’d like to know God
    Ooh love God
    Feel her God
    Inside of her – deep inside of her

    Damn. Where’s Stevo? I think I need to borrow his bunk.

  9. I’d Rather Be Governed by the First Ten Apostles in the Bible….

    … because the eleventh — Judas Iscariot — sucked.

  10. “How could anyone with more brains than a nematode advocate such a stupid idea?”

    I’m not sure that Tancredo can outwit a nematode, to be completely honest.

  11. How could anyone with more brains than a nematode advocate such a stupid idea?

    Fortunately for Tancredo, he doesn’t belong to that set.

  12. Solomon Ortiz is Corpus Christi’s representative in the House

    But he didn’t make the list

    go figure

  13. The thought that such an idiot is in Congress makes me shudder.

    If you think that is scary, imagine the people who voted him into office. Remember kids, the opinions of politicians are merely a symptom of the dysfunctions that affect their constituents.

  14. “The thought that such an idiot is in Congress makes me shudder.”

    The thought of Trancredo becoming President is even worse.

  15. DeLay had just arrived in Washington after a spell in the Texas legislature, where he had famously earned the nickname “Hot Tub Tom” while living in a condo dubbed the “Macho Manor.”

    Hot Tub Tom…….all I could think whenever I saw DeLay was “Dales’ Dead Bug”!

  16. ed:

    Gesundheit – knock on wood.

  17. “The thought of Trancredo becoming President is even worse.”

    Actually, he wouldn’t be Trancredo until after making a little visit to Trinidad, Colorado.

    /is it an inside joke if most of the people in the state would get it?

  18. Holy carp Doherty, you have a grammatical error in the first word of your post.

  19. Remember kids, the opinions of politicians are merely a symptom of the dysfunctions that affect their constituents.

    Urkobold FEARS Akira VOTING.

  20. I see no problem with Jesus-y people or anyone else saying “God bless you for that Big Mac.”

  21. Holy carp Doherty, you have a grammatical error in the first word of your post.

    ?

    … rather … than …

    ?

  22. Mediageek – I still rember a strange and frightening meal I once ate at the Trinidad Pizza Hut, while on my way to ski. Something wasn’t quite right with the locals.

  23. And I’d rather be ruled by these congressmen than libertarians, who are amoral and hedonistic.

  24. Oh, Dan, it feels like you’re not even trying.

  25. My ass pimples talking again? Hmm, no. Not as literate. Must be my imagination.

  26. And I, as a Christian, would rather be ruled by libertarians than by these guys. Except maybe Brownback. If he were surrounded by libertarians, he wouldn’t be half-bad.

  27. Byrd’s inclusion seems a bit forced. There’s a big gulf between a mere holy roller to someone like Tancredo who thinks nuking Mecca is a good idea.

  28. Highnumber –

    There’s nothing morally wrong with it. It’s just creepy.

    And if you say it in a Elizabeth Dole / John Edwards accent, with that really insincere raised inflection towards the end of the sentence, I’ll immediately reach down to make sure you aren’t trying to steal my wallet, or otherwise put one over on me somehow.

  29. How does Robert Byrd stay in office?

  30. Yes, Dan, just because we think personal morality is none of governments business means we are all amoral hedonists. That makes perfect sense.

  31. “I’d rather be ruled by these congressmen than libertarians, who are amoral and hedonistic.”

    Lessee.

    Hedonism:

    Congresspersons – Check. Libertarians – Check.

    Amorality:

    Congresspersons – Advocate imprisoning people for personal conduct, taking money from others for their own purposes, bombing other countries. Will change opinion if politically expedient.
    Libertarians – Say you leave us alone and we’ll leave you alone, don’t care what you do as long as you don’t hurt other, don’t like bombs. Opinions based on fundamental principles, won’t change them to get your vote.

    Hmmm. Strange definition of amorality.

  32. … because the eleventh — Judas Iscariot — sucked.

    I’d trade away our current Congress for one chock full of Judas Iscariots in a heartbeat. At least Judas screwed one guy over, then went out and killed himself (or had his guts fall out in a field, depending on which gospel account you believe). Our Congressmen (and women) screw millions over every day, then take long vacations and vote themselves pay raises.

    I prefer to be governed by someone with the capacity for guilt.

  33. JENNIFER
    I uh … that was ummm
    oh nevermind. I’ll be, you know.

  34. Fluffy,

    I own a tiny bit of MCD stock. I appreciate anyone appreciating McDonald’s in any manner. Kind of an inside joke. The kind that only I find funny.

  35. I’ll be, you know.

    I’m hoping the end of that sentence isn’t “in Stevo’s bunk.”

  36. JENNIFER
    I uh … that was ummm
    oh nevermind. I’ll be, you know.

    It’s a damn sexy song, isn’t it? And it’s even better set to music.

  37. Jennifer,
    I don’t know about music. It’s mostly sexy coming from you.

    Jake,
    Had a joke about ‘hot racking’, but didn’t want to drag Stevo down to my level

    /is a navy thing.

  38. It’s mostly sexy coming from you.

    Awwww. You’re sweet. But there’s no way in hell I could ever get my voice as deep as Steele’s was when he sang that.

    Mmmmmm.

  39. I’m having sex with Jesus
    Or is Jesus having sex with me?
    I was in the dorm shower this morning,
    and the Messiah wandered in.
    I dropped my bar of soap, and reached for it.
    Am I having sex with Jesus, or is Jesus having sex with me?

  40. A Congressman who wants people to spend a few minutes a week praying, so as to set up a (purely metaphorical) “prayer wall” around the U.S., is worth discussing in the same context as someone who wants to retaliate for a terrorist attack by nuking Mecca?

  41. A Congressman who wants people to spend a few minutes a week praying, so as to set up a (purely metaphorical) “prayer wall” around the U.S., is worth discussing in the same context as someone who wants to retaliate for a terrorist attack by nuking Mecca?

    If he thinks a prayer wall would make a goddamned bit of difference, yes.

  42. Yea verily, blow up them arabs and shit.

  43. “””these ten very Christ-y congressmen “””

    I’d bet Jesus disagrees.

  44. “I’d bet Jesus disagrees.”

    I know you’re kidding, but you claiming to speak for Jesus is no different than them. Michale Moore says the same thing all the time, how Jesus would do this or that in response to wacky Christians.

    Like I said, I don’t think you believe it, but the argument irks me.

  45. Michael Moore, rather.

  46. I’m totally gay for Jesus, myself.

  47. Michael Moore?

    Christ, his fifteen minutes were up when the numbers for the previous election rolled in.

  48. Just an example. He didn’t own the fallacy.

  49. I’m gonna kick your ass, Jesus!

  50. Here’s what Jesus would think about those Congressmen:

    “The Kingdom of God is at hand! Sell your possessions, abandon your family, follow me and preach the coming of the Kingdom of God! When it comes, the low will be lifted and the high will be toppled! Those who reject us will burn in hellfire! Kingdom of God!”

    Because Jesus was out of his fucking mind.

  51. “””I know you’re kidding, but you claiming to speak for Jesus is no different than them. Michale Moore says the same thing all the time, how Jesus would do this or that in response to wacky Christians.””””

    If I’m betting on what Jesus believes, I’m not speaking for him am I? I’m claiming I don’t really know. After all, I didn’t say Jesus DOES disagree, which would be speaking for him.

  52. Michale Moore is close enough

  53. Dave2, if that’s what Jesus is thinking, I sure wish they would follow him. Maybe a nice missionary in say, in Mexico city.

  54. Lupito41,

    “‘I’d bet Jesus disagrees.’

    I know you’re kidding, but you claiming to speak for Jesus is no different than them. Michale Moore says the same thing all the time, how Jesus would do this or that in response to wacky Christians.

    Like I said, I don’t think you believe it, but the argument irks me.”

    I’m not sure what you’re getting at. I assume you’re arguing that nobody can speak for Jesus. But maybe you’re saying that only neo-cons can speak for Jesus when they’re hustling votes from Johnny Flyovers in the Bible Belt.

    However, I can honestly say, in the 18-plus years I spent being exposed to Jesus and Jesus-related crap, I have never once seen anything that would indicate that JC would advocate bombing Muslim shrines.

    Either way, it seems like a funny thing to get irked about. I wish people would just stop talking about Jesus already. I’m so sick of hearing about that fucker.

  55. Yeah,

    Back when I when to Sunday school, a long time ago, the teacher would have disagreed if I told her Jesus wanted me to kill my enemies.

  56. “Christian Woman”

    Man, freshman-year flashback, listening to the one station I liked in San Antonio…

  57. However, I can honestly say, in the 18-plus years I spent being exposed to Jesus and Jesus-related crap, I have never once seen anything that would indicate that JC would advocate bombing Muslim shrines.

    Do a majority of Christians advocate this? Or are you arguing with the monolithic Christians in your head?

    FWIW – I am not a Christian.

  58. Want to improve my day? Start by not creeping me out with your Ned Flandersisms.

    Roger-dodger-diddley-doo!

  59. Damn. Where’s Stevo? I think I need to borrow his bunk.

    Um … I’m in my bunk.

    Er … Plenty of room, though!

    I’ll need to see a permission slip from Jeff, however, as I am a man of honor.

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