North Dakota

North Dakota Opts Out of Future Dystopia

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Two things you can say about North Dakota—it's cold and it's a haven from the coming robot apocalypse.

North Dakota made it illegal to force people to insert microchips into their bodies.

Sen. Randy Christmann, R-Hazen, said he introduced the bill for a constituent knowledgeable about the subject. Initially skeptical, Christmann found that at least one other state had taken similar action.

"Knowing how easy implantation of chips can be with livestock, it occurred to me that it is not out of the realm of possibility that someone in a position of power over someone else could coerce them into accepting a tracking device," he explained. Christmann cited domineering employers or abusive spouses as examples.

"I expected to get teased about this bill quite a bit but—to my surprise—I have received a lot of complimentary messages," he said.

The law takes effect Aug. 1.

At which time Tommy Thompson will say "Curses!" and order his henchmen to ready the hovercraft.

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  1. That might cause a sinus infection.

  2. Hovercraft? Don’t be silly. Everybody knows They use black helicopters!

  3. Sen. Randy Christmann, R-Hazen, said he introduced the bill for a constituent knowledgeable about the subject

    I would have guessed that the tin-foil-hat lobby would have been much more powerful than the microchip-under-skin lobby.

  4. Good news for North Dakota’s ten residents.

  5. So how big do the chips have to be?

    Damn nanny state.

  6. 642,200 residents, you bastard.

  7. i’m generally pretty far from tin-foil territory, but i could certainly see a future where such technology is imposed on anyone with spatial restrictions (sex offenders, protective orders, etc.)

    the media will never go for such a technology because if we could all just LoJack our kids, there would be no breathless missing white kid reports on the news!

  8. This just tells you how boring it is here. Our legislature meets for like three months every two years and we don’t have enough things to really worry about to fill that amount of time.

  9. CJB,

    There’s the cold wind off the plains–something should be done about that. Honestly, I’m surprised a bill favoring global warming hasn’t been passed there. North Dakota is so cold that people in Minnesota talk about how cold it is there.

  10. You missed the bigger and better item in the linked to story:

    “Rep. Buck Haas, R-Taylor, explained that he introduced the resolution (recognizing the placement of the state’s first marker on the Great Western Cattle Trail) now because the Legislature won’t meet again until 2009, a year after the marker is placed.”

    The state legislature won’t meet again until 2009? Most state legislatures will do a lot of damage between now and then but not in North Dakota.

  11. Initially skeptical, Christmann found that at least one other state had taken similar action.

    What state would this be?? And what action, the banning of chips or the forced implementation?

  12. downstater,

    I doubt those stories will be stopped by microchips. If you want to kidnap someone, just saw off the appropriate bodypart. Then the media have both the dismemberment and kidnapping angles to work.

  13. So, we’ve established that North Dakota has somewhere between 10 and 642,200 residents. How interesting that 2 of them read and comment here. I’d say at either number, that’s probably a higher level of readership than, say, New York state.

  14. Dakota! | April 23, 2007, 3:18pm | #
    642,200 residents, you bastard.

    CJB | April 23, 2007, 3:21pm | #
    This just tells you how boring it is here. Our legislature meets for like three months every two years and we don’t have enough things to really worry about to fill that amount of time.

    Wow! I long for a legislature that meets only once every two years instead of for four months every year (plus a couple of special sessions, emergency sessions and what not).

  15. “This just tells you how boring it is here. Our legislature meets for like three months every two years and we don’t have enough things to really worry about to fill that amount of time.”

    Wow.

    So, from a .gov standpoint, its kind of like heaven?

  16. Remember when subcutaneous microchips were just an X-Files plotpoint?

  17. Entertainment options are limited in ND. Posting with another Dokatan on H&R constitutes a hot date.

    disclosure: I’ve been to Minot and Mandan/Bismark, but not to Fargo. The North Dakotans in the west say that Fargo is really more Minnesota than Dakota.

  18. mediageek:

    The downside is that with nothing else going on there is still time for nannies. I think this session we managed to regulate indoor tanning. Also they were trying to ban drink specials that at least failed.

    Also federally our state is funded by farm subsidies. So not exactly libertarian utopia. Not to mention the religious crazies aren’t exactly thin on the ground.

  19. highnumber,

    I confess, I’m Dakota! I just wanted an excuse to mock North Dakota’s desire not to be called “North” Dakota. I always thought that they had it backward–they should rename their state North Florida. Why, with that name, their tourism numbers would triple.

  20. Tommy Thompson has a Quato.

  21. …someone in a position of power over someone else could coerce them into accepting a tracking device,” he explained. Christmann cited domineering employers or abusive spouses as examples.

    I don’t see how the legislation helps, as it’s ostensively voluntary to comply with an employer’s or spouse’s wishes. Is it legal to force someone to piss in a cup while you watch in ND?

  22. Well, seeing as how I’m spending this coming Christmas with my fiance’s parents in ND, I’m glad to know that I can relax during that time, and not worry about those people who are constantly trying to force micro-chips under my skin!

    Wish me luck, as the coldest temps I’ve ever experienced were during early winters in MI. Even then, that was 15 years ago…since then, only cold-fronts that dip into the 30s here in FL…brrrrr….

  23. jimmydageek,

    I spent a year in balmy Minneapolis–straight from Tampa, no less. My advice is layers and the purchasing of winter clothing up there, not down here.

    Don’t lick any metal poles, either.

  24. You just know that fans of the “Left Behind” series are buying real estate in North Dakota now…

  25. jimmydageek,

    On the bright side we have had fairly mild Decembers the last couple of years. I think last year it was still getting above freezing occasionally during the middle of Dec. It doesn’t usually hit -20 till around mid-late Jan.

  26. Does the law limit only coercion by private parties, or does it include the state?

    Not that it really matters. Eventually(after the tech gets easy and cheap and there’s a high profile kidnapping), people will convince themselves that they need to tag their newborns at the hospital to keep them safe, and in a few generations everybody will have them.

  27. T,

    My fiance keeps trying to convince me to move to ND. She tells me it’s because she wants to be closer to her parents (Devil’s Lake, ND – ominous name, no?). However, now that you mention it, maybe she’s a closet Left Behind reader. I’ll have to investigate.

    PL,

    Thanks for the advice! I’m having my future in-laws buy all the necessary clothing before I fly out there. That way, I can start bundling up when we meet them at the airport.

    I’ll try to remember that whole metal pole thing.

    I heard that pee freezes before it hits the ground…any truth to that??

  28. Yah, just what I was thinking. Get a few hysterical parents together, a nasty kidnapping (where the kid ends up tortured and dead), add the media, and poof, instant legislation.

  29. “I expected to get teased about this bill quite a bit but – to my surprise – I have received a lot of complimentary messages,” he said.

    So Christmann introduces a bill that he kind of knows is stupid and then is surprised to find that his constituents don’t realize that it’s stupid. That must be a kind of weird feeling.

  30. “wix | April 23, 2007, 3:24pm | #

    Initially skeptical, Christmann found that at least one other state had taken similar action.

    What state would this be?? And what action, the banning of chips or the forced implementation?”

    Last February, the Oklahoma State Senate approved a bill banning the forced implantation of microchips. I don’t know if it’s made its way through the house and to the Governor’s desk.

  31. Thanks Syd!

  32. Oh, come on, a little forced insertion of microchips never hurt anyone.

  33. Pro Lib,
    I am very disappointed with your deception. Send the blender back. We’re going to try to return it to the yard sale where we bought it.

  34. highnumber,

    Is that what that was? Huh.

    I just like to help out our small state brethren. They get such little respect these days. That’s why I invited Montana to the wedding, in case you were wondering.

  35. damnit i own stock in a human microchip company

    disclosure:
    said company is verichip co majority owned by adsx

  36. Meh, I am uninterested in these human microchips until they have more functions than tracking. I want control.

  37. Yah, just what I was thinking. Get a few hysterical parents together, a nasty kidnapping (where the kid ends up tortured and dead), add the media, and poof, instant legislation.

    Legislation won’t be necessary, unless it’s to require insurance companies to cover the procedure. People will get the kids chipped them for the same reasons they have them vaccinated or circumcised, as a precautionary measure.

    The legislation that would naturally follow will come when someone wonders “If we can track kids with chips, why not track their proximity to sex offenders by chipping those bastards as well?”.

  38. Pro Libertate,

    Come on, small. I mean sure we only have 600,000 some people but our state is the size of like 5 New England states put together.

  39. CJB,

    I’m a Floridian. Tremble and weep before our colossitude.

  40. Pro Libertate,

    Don’t mess with ND we are crazy enough to live in ND.

  41. True.

  42. This isn’t that silly. I could easily see a non-dystopia chain of events that could lead to forced chipping – terrorism fears, sex offenders, public schools. You would’ve laughed twice as hard a decade ago if someone told you that Chicago would ban foie gras and trans fats.

  43. Mo,

    It’s silly right now. When chips start getting forcibly implanted or look to start getting forcibly implanted, I, for one, intend to totally freak out.

  44. Once again the anti-cyborg bigots thwart us!!!!

    Based on the wording of the article, consensual chip implantation would still be legal. And I’m just going to assume that under 18s won’t be protected, so parents tagging their kids will still probably happen.

    Still, this is good news for all those celebrities whose stalkers have figured out how to implant a tracking chip using a blowgun. Well, so long as they don’t leave North Dakota anyway.

  45. Hey… is that the cops? I’m an innocent victim in here! I was attacked by a coked up whore and a – a fuckin’ crazy dentist!

  46. Luckily, First Contact will take place in Montana, not North Dakota, so this won’t affect our plans. Carry on with your insect existence, closed-minded humans.

  47. Honestly, I’m surprised a bill favoring global warming hasn’t been passed there. North Dakota is so cold that people in Minnesota talk about how cold it is there.

    I was only there for one summer, but IIRC it gets seriously hot and muggy in the summer there. Or maybe it was just me?

  48. This is good news for towns on the Minnesota side of the border. Imagine all the taxes they’ll be taking in from the Forced Chip Implant Emporiums that’ll be springing up like fireworks stores in NW Indiana…

  49. Is anyone else but curious about why our rights to privacy and property might need this additional legislative “protection” in the first place?

  50. Also from NoDak,
    Wanted to comment on the guy who said NoDak is funded by farm subsidies. You make it sound like farmers are welfare princesses. Laugh at this state if you want, but it wouldn’t be funny if you were importing your bread from the Middle East. Viva North Dakota and the very important yet unappreciated role it plays in your life.

  51. bob,

    Clearly because the federal government is planning a mass implantation of chips any day now.

  52. Don’t mess with ND we are crazy enough to live in ND.

    You know what they say about the cold here – it keeps the riffraff out…

  53. Get yuh ass tuh Mars!

  54. But anyway, yeah, good for North Dakota.

  55. At the mind channel from http://www.sciam.com there are a couple of related articles.

    Turning Off Depression

    http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=0002AD36-CF84-14C7-8DCC83414B7F0000&chanID=sa017

    Chips in Your Head

    http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=C3736C8F-E7F2-99DF-3F77A400E704FECB&sc=I100322

    This technology is great if people volunteer for it. I could be easy to add a remote control switch, so the chip that’s supposed to cure paralyzation ends up controling your limbs from a distance. The risk isn’t worth banning the technology, but making sure it is voluntary is a good idea.

  56. It’s not so far out there. There is talk in MD about tagging truant students.

    http://www.ajc.com/opinion/content/opinion/stories/2007/02/19/0220truants.html

  57. http://www.legis.nd.gov/assembly/60-2007/bill-text/HBPJ0200.pdf

    The law is only 8 lines long, here is the meat:

    Implanting microchips prohibited. A person may not require that an individual have inserted into that individual’s body a microchip containing a radio frequency identification device. A violation of this section is a class A misdemeanor.

    Questions:
    1. Is the government a “person”? Arguably no, which means the government can still RFID perverts and libertarians.

    2. Can you put a chip in an Alzheimer’s patient for his own protection?

    3. Can you require it as a condition of employment?

    4. Can your wife require it because you are a philandering sleazebag?

  58. There is talk in MD about tagging truant students.

    Talk? It’s way beyond that. And it only costs $30 if you play your cards right.

  59. Do you pay extra for the truant tag…. or does is just come with the hunting license?

    CB

  60. kjeldgaard,

    I am the one who said ND if funded by farm subsidies. I am not laughing at the state, I live here. I was just saying it isn’t a libertarian utopia. We are a net tax importer on the federal level.

  61. Well, there goes my plan for dealing with my sons’ teenage years. I was going to get a two-way transmitter and receiver chip implanted in each of ’em, one that can be programmed to deliver an incapacitating electrical shock at a certain blood alcohol level, the presence of certain drug metabolites, and, in conjunction with other parents, when it detects signals given off by other kids’– especially girls’– chips. Damn. Not only am I denied world domination, I have to, like, pay attention to the boys over the next ten years. There goes the plans for a second career in the LPGA.

  62. Hovercraft? Don’t be silly. Everybody knows They use black helicopters!

    That’s what they want you to think. Actually they use white helicopters disguised with newsmedia logos.

    The state legislature won’t meet again until 2009? Most state legislatures will do a lot of damage between now and then but not in North Dakota.

    The Texas Legislature also won’t meet again until 2009. But we have 140-day sessions.

    I was going to get a two-way transmitter and receiver chip implanted in each of ’em, one that can be programmed to deliver an incapacitating electrical shock at a certain blood alcohol level, the presence of certain drug metabolites, and, in conjunction with other parents, when it detects signals given off by other kids’– especially girls’– chips.

    As the father of two girls, I’d suggest you have a chip planted in his you-know-what that reacts when it rises to the occasion. OTOH, it’d probably need constant recharging.

  63. As the father of two girls, I’d suggest you have a chip planted in his you-know-what that reacts when it rises to the occasion. OTOH, it’d probably need constant recharging.

    ROFL, as the kids say.

  64. Haha. I kind of miss the simple tinfoil hattery of North Dakota. I just moved to Ohio and holy god are people here crazy. I’ll take crazy people who expect the apocalypse at any second over crazy people who think it’s the apocalypse every time a snowflake falls.

  65. “Come on, small. I mean sure we only have 600,000 some people but our state is the size of like 5 New England states put together.”

    Which means, when you lock your keys in the car, its a loooong walk home.

    “they should rename their state North Florida. Why, with that name, their tourism numbers would triple.”

    Nah. You couldn’t even fool a Canadian with that one.

  66. Aresen,

    Tripling ND’s tourism numbers may not be the daunting task that it appears at first blush.

    Also, “Canadians” from Quebec travel to Maine for warm vacations. I know, I was there. I also learned that all of the Stephen King stuff about Maine is true. Stay in the cities, you’ll be safer.

  67. ProL:

    and again a hearty congratulations! Aresen – ND’s selling point is its college hockey team 🙂

    (the REAL UND! kinda like that. UND iz our skool. ja ja. UND!)

  68. The other state where legislation was “introduced” to ban involuntary implantation of chips was – Florida. However, the bill didn’t get very far. In the Panhandle they have been implanting chips via tattoos for years. And those single engine planes that fly over the beach with trailing banners. Right, they aren’t tracking people they are just advertising suntan lotion.

  69. Yay, shout-out to college hockey, the greatest sport that almost none of you has ever seen.

    I was there for every home game, and nearly all away games, when my alma mater RPI won the Div I National Championship in 1985 (my freshman year), including roadtrips to Cambridge and Detroit for the ECAC and NCAA tournaments.

  70. Hmm, over 600k people. I think ND’s getting a bit crowded. Wyoming sounds like a better bet to me.

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