There's Gold in Them Thar Tumors!

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Tasteless headline in tribute to what Democratic bronze medalist John Edwards is doing with the e-mails of sympathy he solicited after announcing his wife's incurable cancer:

Visitors to the Edwards site who choose to "send a note to Elizabeth and John" are first taken to a heartfelt letter from the candidate that was written the day after he learned that his wife's cancer had returned. Edwards thanks readers for their "prayers and wishes," vows that he and Elizabeth will "keep a positive attitude always look for the silver lining" and declares that "our campaign goes on and it goes on strongly."

Anyone who then chooses to send a note of sympathy to the Edwardses—and, thus, provide his or her e-mail address—automatically becomes part of the Edwards campaign's online e-mail database, a list that is crucial to any campaign's ability to raise vast amounts of money over the Internet.

If you sent a note to the Edwardses before the critical March 31 end-of-the-quarter fundraising deadline, you would have received frantic e-mail solicitations from the campaign, such as the one on March 28 from Edwards campaign manager David Bonior titled, "96 hours to show substance works." The solicitation asked for "$25, $50 or any amount you can afford to give."

Caveat emptor, obviously. If you're using a form on a candidate's website, you should deduce that you're joining a vast and pitiless Borg and it will send you e-mails until you unsubscribe or your grandchildren die of old age, whatever comes first. Edwards' campaign was smart to transform its crisis into a fundraising opportunity.

That said, the public tear-shedding about brave Elizabeth Edwards and the heroism of people who spend all their time running for president can stop now, thanks. These people aren't normal.

NEXT: Richard Bruce Cheney: Now More Than Ever

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  1. I’ve always believed that politicians are suffering from some sort of mental illness and I hope someday medical science will find a cure.

  2. She almost has a moral obligation to die soon.

  3. The thing is, I’ve been living a lie. Well, I . . . I never actually had cancer.

    I’ll see you.

  4. Edwards’ campaign was smart to transform its crisis into a fundraising opportunity.

    Um, no that is another example of “These people aren’t normal.”

  5. OTOH, I see a corollary to my feelings about anti-abortion protestors. To wit, you may think their tactics despicable, but if you REALLY BELIEVE abortion is murder, it follows that you should do almost anything in your power to stop it, possibly including killing the “murderers” to stop them from killing again.

    In this case, if the Edwardses REALLY BELIEVE that the country is in crisis and his leadership can redeem us, it pretty easily follows that they should use the cancer’s return as an opportunity; hell, maybe they think it’s God’s will that it come back to bring them more attention in the campaign.

    Of course, this begs the question of why anybody would have such a messiah complex, but that brings us back to Guy’s point.

  6. “Anyone who then chooses to send a note of sympathy to the Edwardses…automatically becomes part of the Edwards campaign’s online e-mail database”

    fake.email@myballs.com

    Stolen from the DS. But I think I’ll use that from now on.

  7. sage,

    If I was sick, I am not sure a message of sympathy from “fake.email@myballs.com” would cheer me up.

  8. Yes, these people are normal. It’s libertarian mutants who dream they could ever get a yawn-inducing bozo like Ron Paul elected president who aren’t fucking normal. It’s a big world outside your deranged little minds, you irrelevant assholes.

  9. In this case, if the Edwardses REALLY BELIEVE that the country is in crisis and his leadership can redeem us…
    I don’t think that’s the case. Edwards just REALLY REALLY wants to be President.

  10. Yes, these people are normal. It’s libertarian mutants who dream they could ever get a yawn-inducing bozo like Ron Paul elected president who aren’t fucking normal. It’s a big world outside your deranged little minds, you irrelevant assholes.

    Wait, wait, lemme guess … Amanda Marcotte?

  11. I’m sort of sympathetic to Eliz. Edwards wanting to leave a meaningful legacy behind – each of us mourns differently, faces bad news differently. I can’t stand what John Edwards stands for, but admire his (their) courage in going forward. Didn’t the Cal. LP have a state chair a decade or more ago who had an incurable disease but kept active and involved, even to his last days? As I recall,
    he got a standing O at a national convention.

  12. “Yes, these people are normal. It’s libertarian mutants who dream they could ever get a yawn-inducing bozo like Ron Paul elected president who aren’t fucking normal. It’s a big world outside your deranged little minds, you irrelevant assholes.”

    Glad you found something to do, Edwards Supporter, after you lost your job working for Paul Tsongas.

  13. If I was sick, I am not sure a message of sympathy from “fake.email@myballs.com” would cheer me up.

    RLY?

    Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

  14. When my mother was dying of cancer, we all went a little bit crazy in our own way, especially my father. For that reason I am loath to say anything bad about how Edwards is handling this. There is just no accounting for how you will react to something like this. Also, who knows, this may not be Edwards but some reptillian campaign advisor who is doing this. I think Edwards deserves some slack on this. That said, I think that your wife dying of cancer counts as one hell of a distraction and probably makes you unfit to be President, at least while she is struggling with the disease.

  15. I’m with John. As tacky as some of this may look from the outside, the family is not necessarily in their peak frame of mind. And if they are under this kind of stress it may be that somebody else is basically managing them, and making the tacky calls.

  16. A few days ago, Edwards said he did’t want anyone’s sympathy vote. Their sympathy donations, however, will be just fine.

  17. You’re more charitable than I, Thoreau. I’m working from the presumption that Edwards is a reptile. Perhaps that isn’t fair. Then again, he is a politician.

  18. It’s libertarian mutants who dream they could ever get a yawn-inducing bozo like Ron Paul elected president who aren’t fucking normal

    That hurts because it’s so true. Snif.

  19. Emperor:Darth Vader::Number 6:Thoreau.

    We report. You decide.

  20. “I’m working from the presumption that Edwards is a reptile.”

    Now why would you want to go and insult reptiles like that?

  21. “I’m with John. As tacky as some of this may look from the outside, the family is not necessarily in their peak frame of mind. And if they are under this kind of stress it may be that somebody else is basically managing them, and making the tacky calls.”

    In which case, the man shouldn’t be allowed responsibility any weightier than managing a Taco Bell, let alone the world’s only hyper power.

  22. If I was sick, I am not sure a message of sympathy from “fake.email@myballs.com” would cheer me up.

    Why not? It made me laugh.

  23. Emperor:Darth Vader::Number 6:Thoreau.

    Just wait till you meet my long lost son, Number 6! 🙂

  24. Obviously, I’m sympathetic to the family’s situation, but, from my perspective, when something questionable occurs on a candidate’s watch, he’s out. Period. Like Caesar’s wife.

    Speaking of Number 6, we haven’t had any good The Prisoner references, lately. Those who remember it must be dying off.

  25. Isn’t the story about the guy with TB a reference to The Prisoner?

  26. Abdul: “A few days ago, Edwards said he did’t want anyone’s sympathy vote. Their sympathy donations, however, will be just fine.”

    Abdul just won the thread.

    Now that that’s over, back in 2004 I donated to the Senatorial campaigns of Coors, Nethercutt, and Thune. Thune won. Ever since then I’ve gotten dumbed-down mails every week from Thune and his buddies begging for handouts in order to stop the liberal liberals from their liberal agenda of liberalism. I’d ask them to cut it out if the mail wasn’t so funny.

  27. Highnumber- What now? The Prisoner was about a secret agent who was kidnapped and taken to a village that, although outwardly pleasant, was also a prison devoted to crushing the individual. The TB guy has TB.

  28. “I’m working from the presumption that Edwards is a reptile. Perhaps that isn’t fair.”

    this message has been brought to you by http://www.davidicke.com — for all your anti-NWO needs!

  29. Um, Number 6, how come you resigned?

  30. Emperor:Darth Vader::Number 6:Thoreau.

    What does thoreau have to do with the hot blonde chick on Battlestar Galactica?

  31. Speaking of Number 6, we haven’t had any good The Prisoner references, lately. Those who remember it must be dying off.

    Coincidence? I think n– arrghhhhh-ahhhhh

  32. Gilbert Martin

    You’re the reptile, you moronic fuck.

  33. These people aren’t normal.

    Of course not. It’s a given. No normal person would subject themselves or their family (terminal illnesss or no terminal illness) to the process of running for President or any almost any other political office in this country. The system couldn’t do a better job of selecting for abnormal if it had been a design goal.

  34. What does thoreau have to do with the hot blonde chick on Battlestar Galactica?

    Retraction! Retraction! References to the Village supersede all other references, regardless of intrinsic pleasant-to-lookatedness!

    Besides, she’s a frakkin’ Cylon.

  35. I’m with John. As tacky as some of this may look from the outside, the family is not necessarily in their peak frame of mind. And if they are under this kind of stress it may be that somebody else is basically managing them, and making the tacky calls.

    Tacky call? Seems more like a juvenile manipulation of emotions to realize a goal: ‘My arm was broken two months ago so I need the window seat.’

    [crystal ball]
    I predict this will not be the last stunt like this that the Edwards campaign pulls.
    [/crystal ball]

    Have we all forgotten the e-tantrum plea for money because Ann Coulter said one cannot use the word “faggot” without going to rehab?

  36. “Speaking of Number 6, we haven’t had any good The Prisoner references, lately. Those who remember it must be dying off.”

    It’s on my Amazon.com wishlist.
    I would feel very unmutual as well as unlibertarian asking for it as gift from another libertarian.

    However, perhaps Edwards Supporter can find it in his/her heart to purchase a copy for me.

    Consider it a form of supporting the arts.

  37. In which case, the man shouldn’t be allowed responsibility any weightier than managing a Taco Bell, let alone the world’s only hyper power.

    Hey now, people actually EAT there. Not me of course, but I have seen people doing so.

    What does thoreau have to do with the hot blonde chick on Battlestar Galactica?

    Retraction! Retraction! References to the Village supersede all other references, regardless of intrinsic pleasant-to-lookatedness!

    Or, perhaps someone just got confused by 7 of 9, on Voyager.

  38. Gimme and Pro:

    That’s Dr T’s special little secret…..

  39. The only Edwards supporter I’ve met in person is my girlfriend, she doesn’t have such a potty mouth. Of course she thought Edwards was a good looking coal miner who was running for President to help the poor, he lost her with that big freaking house. Girlfriend is anti-rich, I am not. I like his house, don’t like his politics.

  40. The New Number 2- It was a matter of conscience.

    Edwards supporter: Thanks for the laugh. Your 1:52 comment is the funniest thing I’ve read all day.

  41. They’ll hold on to your email FOREVER, too, if my limited experience is anything to go by… I signed up for something supporting a school choice ballot initiative back in 2000 (an initiative supported by Dick DeVos), and when I signed in to that email address (which I don’t really use any more) last summer I found a ton of “Give money to Dick Devos’ campaign for governor!” emails.

    I was actually rather impressed.

    They didn’t get any money, though, because I was totally broke.

  42. “Edwards Supporter | April 4, 2007, 1:52pm | #
    Gilbert Martin

    You’re the reptile, you moronic fuck.”
    [FCW]
    Archie: How very interesting. You’re a true vulgarian, aren’t you…
    Otto: You’re the vulgarian, you fuck!
    [/FCW]

    Eddie supporter. Can I call you Eddie? You do know that you’re now imitating Fish Called Wanda. Not cool. Now, what kind of supporter are you? His jock… noooo. You’re his BRO. His Mansiere!

    okay! To avoid confusion with other Eddies here, I’m gonna call you “training”. You dig? You okay with that?

    good.

    resume conversation.

  43. Related to campaigns keeping contact info forever, I have at various times supported people from various parties. Nothing is funnier than opening my mailbox and getting a letter with “Help us stop so-and-so!” written on the envelope, and then another envelope from so-and-so with “Help us win!” written on it. On the same day.

  44. VM- I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought of FCW. I’ve never been able to decide if the line is, “You’re the vulgarian, you fuck!” or “You’re the Bulgarian, you fuck!”

    It’s funny either way.

  45. Hey now, people actually EAT there. Not me of course, but I have seen people doing so.

    I love The Taco Bell. In the future all dining will be at The Taco Bell.

    On that bit about being on e-mail lists forever, the GWB folks stopped e-mailing me and snail-mailing me in a reasonable amount of time after the 2004 election. The Sharpton people never e-mailed me nor sent me a thank you card for my contribution to them.

  46. Guy,

    Congrats on the Lady Vols’ win.

    thoreau,

    Congratulations on your relationship with Number 6 (the Cylon).

  47. Guy Montag: I’m with you, man. Taco Bell is fucking ambrosia. Mmmmmmm…chalupa…*drools*

  48. Edwards Supporter: Thanks for your efforts to bring rational, well-reasoned thinking to the conversation in an enlightened, lighthearted tone.

    If your favorite candidate adopts your methods of winning friends and influencing people, I’m certain his candidacy will get the results it so richly deserves…keep up the swell work.

  49. If your favorite candidate adopts your methods of winning friends and influencing people, I’m certain his candidacy will get the results it so richly deserves…keep up the swell work.

    Hello. My name is Hillary Clinton. You are all a bunch of shitcocks…

  50. I always suspected that smacky was really HRC. Now that it’s confirmed, I know who I’m voting for 🙂

  51. Pro Libertate,

    Thank you!

    SEC owns basketball as it should be!

  52. Guy Montag: I’m with you, man. Taco Bell is fucking ambrosia. Mmmmmmm…chalupa…*drools*

    #1 crispy with Pepsi please.

  53. “If your favorite candidate adopts your methods of winning friends and influencing people, I’m certain his candidacy will get the results it so richly deserves…keep up the swell work.”

    You guys don’t get it.

    Edwards Supporter is actually a double agent working for HRC. He’s on a mission to make Edwards Supporters appear as stupid as possible.

    He’s doing an excellent job.

  54. A group pushing a state-level initiative that I supported in 1980 has succeeded in sending me snail mail for 27 years including a 7-year stint in another state.

  55. DAMMIT, WEIGAL NEEDS TO STOP SHILLING FOR THE DEMOCRATI–oh, nevermind.

  56. Jennifer, give us some boring details of your personal life. Even that would be more interesting that the nonsense in this thread. How was the traffic on the way to work today?

  57. vikingmoose

    Too many words per tiny little thought, idiot.

  58. Gilbert Martin is a pretentious, humorless asshole.

  59. Gilbert Martin: After those last couple posts, I’m pretty sure you’re right.

    Edwards Supporter: I’M TOO SMART FOR YOUR SNEAKY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY! haHAAA

  60. Jennifer, give us some boring details of your personal life.

    Okey-dokey: I took a job working on a phone-sex line so I could write about it for the alt-weekly where I work. The story goes online tomorrow.

    Happy?

  61. Edwards Supporter, have you never been to the Internet before?

  62. Ultron

    No, this is the first time. How am I doing?

  63. hey Training – have you thought about some correspondence personality courses?

    And am sorry for the “too many words”. Lips got tired, huh?

    Sorry about that.

  64. Hee hee hee hee hee.

  65. That said, the public tear-shedding about brave Elizabeth Edwards and the heroism of people who spend all their time running for president can stop now, thanks. These people aren’t normal.

    Of course they’re not normal – we wouldn’t want a normal person as President any more than we’d want a normal person to play center on our favorite basketball team.

  66. I’ve always believed that politicians are suffering from some sort of mental illness…

    The earnest ones like Edwards, no doubt. But, what about the ones who are just seeking a nice, clean office job with power, occasional travel, and college interns? Are they so crazy?

  67. Those who spend hours posting drivel on threads like this are in no position to be commenting on anybody’s mental health. Let’s face it, we’re sick.

  68. Speak for yourself, Eddie.

  69. “Let’s face it, we’re sick.”

    GUILTY!!!! Right here! Am all that!!!!

    *re-attaches batteries to genitals
    ggggzzzzzccchccchhhchcchchchkkkkk

    ahhh! much better.

  70. Edwards is a successful trial lawyer who has made millions and has a realistic chance of becomming President of the United States. We’re just a bunch of losers with too much time on our hands. That is the sad truth. I’m going to go clean out my fridge and spend the rest of the day trying not to eat too much. What a life!

  71. Edwards is an example of what’s wrong with the plaintiffs’ bar. On the continuum from taking him out and shooting him to making him president, I think he belongs closer to the end without the free house.

    I, on the other hand, am a TV lawyer, full of the glamor and excitement associated with the trade. Therefore, I should be the next president, because I better reflect America. We’re all TV lawyers at heart. Kiss my ring, common man–there’s just one America. The one with gobs of money.

  72. “That is the sad truth. I’m going to go clean out my fridge and spend the rest of the day trying not to eat too much. What a life!”

    hey, Training – at least you’re lucky that grandma let you out of the basement today. And I’m out of cheetos, to boot!

  73. Re: Edwards Supporter

    Someone woke up under the wrong side of the bridge this morning.

    (Loved your “Amanda Marcotte,” comment, jp.)

  74. Woohoo! I was hoping somebody would recognize the name.

  75. It’s libertarian mutants who dream they could ever get a yawn-inducing bozo like Ron Paul elected president who aren’t fucking normal

    I’m a libertarian who believes [politicians] like Ron Paul will never get elected. Does that make me a mutant, or a libertarian realist?

    To get elected, you gots to pay off the constituency. And libertarianism offers no paycheck to the voters.

  76. “Edwards is a successful trial lawyer who has made millions and has a realistic chance of becomming(sic) President of the United States.”

    Plus he’s pretty, oh so pretty!

  77. Dear Elizabeth Edwards,

    You are my second favorite breast cancer victim, after Rod Roddy of Price is Right fame. Hopefully it won’t be long before you see him welcoming you to cancer heaven with a jovial, “Come on down!”

    Sincerely,
    lumpyboobs@cancer.com

  78. Number 6,

    BTW, Lowell Cunningham, the creator of Men in Black was a big fan of The Prisoner (IIRC) around 1981ish. Also, Dr. Who and some other show I was only mildly familiar with back then.

  79. You are my second favorite breast cancer victim

    Am I going to hell for laughing at this? I probably should be.

    (No offense to Elizabeth Edwards, of course. Or cancer patients.)

  80. Sorry, I forgot the pretty link.

  81. “It’s libertarian mutants who dream they could ever get a yawn-inducing bozo like Ron Paul elected president who aren’t fucking normal”

    nah, we at least realize he’ll never get elected. you on the other hand still live in the la la land where Edwards is a kick ass candidate and has a shot.

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