Sex

"A Pretty Serious Problem," Maryland Division, or: Ah, Nuts to You!

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Seeing "a pretty serious problem" dangling from truck bumpers, Maryland legislator LeRoy Myers proposes a bill to ban "outsized plastic testicles that truckers dangle from the trailer hitches of their pickups." Myers claims his "office has gotten 100 phone calls from grateful parents."

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  1. I was almost rear-ended by a semi-truck yesterday on my way home from work. If that guy hadn’t had those plastic testicles dangling from the back of his truck and creating friction, who knows? He could’ve hit me. Those plastic testicles were a life-saver.

    [insert Warren joke here]

  2. This kind of legislation takes ba…. guts.

  3. How about a link to a photo of these things?

    or

    What do google – trucker balls?

  4. Ha!
    Yes, you do google “trucker balls!”

  5. Whew. Now that we got that out of the way, I am just as offending by real testicles on real dogs.

  6. Ah, the Post once again mispelled Allegany County…love those downstaters.

    As a side note, I heard that Myers is already privately talking about withdrawing the bill.

  7. RRIII: of course he is. Every lame comic in the country is making jokes about Marylanders not having any balls. He just lost the vote of every white male in the state.

  8. What do these parents do when their kids see a dog or a bull or a horse?

  9. I believe the phrase is “Aw, nuts to you.” Not Ah as you would have it! That is all.

  10. I’ve never even hear of em, and Maryland’s all ready to outlaw them. The Nannystate has really gotten efficient. It’s just a matter of time though. I’m sure that by May, every oversized no-muffler beat up hickmobile in the county will be sporting a pair. And then they’ll be illegal by July.

  11. Pipe down about the exposed animal testicles. All you’re going to do is encourage people like Myers to require domesticated animals wear pants when in public.

  12. ..testicles dangling from the back of his truck and creating friction

    Friction!? =8o
    It takes a real man to stop his truck by scraping his balls against the pavement. I think you must have meant turbulence.

  13. Yes, but if they outlaw those things, how will I be able to identify the idiots on the road?

  14. Comic Book Guy: Best. Correction. Ever.

    James: People like their trucks up here. I guess they like their truck nuts, too!

  15. Me, I like a well-hung truck. And a well-hung truckdriver doesn’t hurt, either.

  16. lamar and TPG, I hear there’s a measure to deal with those too and the animals are understandably nervous 🙂

  17. A little boy was at the circus with his parents and noticed the huge testicles hanging from one of the elephants.

    “What’s that, mommy?” he asked.

    “Oh, nothing dear,” she replied.

    The little boy then turned to his father and asked the same question, and the father explained about the elephant’s testicles.

    “Oh, okay,” said the little boy. “But why did Mommy tell me ‘Nothing’ when I asked her?”

    “Well, son,” the father replied, “I’ve spoiled that woman.”

  18. That’s right…go ahead and laugh, have your fun. Today it’s only trucker balls; if the Bitch gets elected she’ll go after the real ones!

  19. If balls are outlawed, only…

  20. I say we start a list of every legislator who has pushed through or is pushing through unworkable, or nonsensical legislation. The first to entries would be this guy and those mental gimps who tried to push through legislation requiring sex offenders to provide all of their e-mail addresses to police.

    We can call the site, “ThinkOfTheChildren.com”

  21. “As a side note, I heard that Myers is already privately talking about withdrawing the bill.”

    I think the term for that is ‘retracting’.

    Though of course the thing should never have descended in the first place.

  22. “The solution to speech we don’t like is more speech,” said Meredith Curtis of the Maryland American Civil Liberties Union.

    Hanging fake nuts from your truck isn’t speech. It’s behavior. Some forms of behavior are and should be restricted. Not that this is necessarily one of them.

  23. Why not just outlaw all external indicators of redneckery? Jeeez. If they ban rednecks, who will the suburban kids mock?

  24. Mediageek, there will still be the Jesus fish. And older-model compact Japanese cars with “Love Your Mother” and about 20 other assorted enviromentalism stickers, shouting at you as they pass by.

    Also, stickers of Calvin pissing on the Chevrolet logo. But maybe they’ll outlaw those too, eventually.

  25. ed: hanging a piece of plastic (the behavior to which you are referring) does not create danger or offend anybody’s sensibility. The reason that this is an issue is because people are offended by balls, nuts, danglers, huevos, “brass ones”, cojones, etc. These truckers don’t just put a piece of plastic on their bumper, they very deliberately put balls on their trucks. The difference between fake balls and a plain piece of plastic the same size is the fact that the trucker is making a statement “look at these” (referring of course, to the simulacra of testicles).

  26. I don’t care about this legislation in Maryland. I just want to know one thing: Will this foil my plans of replacing my hood ornament with a huge, multicolored prosthetic phallus?

  27. About the only argument I can see for this is on account of good taste. And there’s no law we can pass about that. (I put forth Paris Hilton and the hamburger, Elvis impersonators, thongs on hairy fat men, and, well, 90% of modern pop music as examples.)

    So yeah, let the fake balls rattle on the road. The right of miserably insecure dingbats to proclaim their lack of self-confidence shall not be abridged.

  28. grumpy,
    No no no. It’s about the children. The sight of large plastic testicles will warp their fragile little minds. Won’t you PLEASE think of the children.

  29. When they outlaw outsized plastic testicles that truckers dangle from the trailer hitches of their pickups…

    …only those with outsized plastic testicles that truckers dangle from the trailer hitches of their pickups will be criminals.

  30. Hmm…so without government intervention, people will start putting fake plastic genitalia on the back of their cars?

    Suddenly, the nanny state is not looking so bad after all.

  31. Wait’ll you see how they look on Ford’s new special edition pickup, The Mike Ranger.

  32. Have you test-driven the new Vulva S80? It’s stylish, safe and sexy!

  33. Lets get a couple things straight. 1. A person driving a pickup is not a trucker and claiming to be a trucker on such basis is firm ground for an ass kicking.

    2. Plastic? Why plastic when you can simply hang authentic dried bull or bison testacles from your truck (read not pickup).

  34. these things are lame. The only real way to express your insecure masculinity is just attach a dildo to your front bumper and smash a vulva s80 repeatedly.

  35. As usual, we Minnesotans will be a year behind the new cultural creations and probably a year late in outlawing them too. Probably fall off after being dragged through the snow or frozen off when the plastic becomes brittle. We never are on the cutting edge of avant-garde art.

  36. “No no no. It’s about the children. The sight of large plastic testicles will warp their fragile little minds. Won’t you PLEASE think of the children.”

    Absolutely! Ever since my 11-year-old daughter saw a Ford Ranger sporting Trucker nuts, she’d been hounding me to let her get the HPV vaccine.

  37. Thank you Maryland. At least for today it isn’t an idiot California legislator proposing the absurd.

  38. Will this foil my plans of replacing my hood ornament with a huge, multicolored prosthetic phallus?

    Ironically that would be a requirement for driving your car at Burning Man.

  39. ron:

    that was my first thought, too. who’d’ve thunk that that strip would be the beginning of the best arc in comic history?

  40. 5..4..3..2..1…
    Cue Dan T. (or is it Juanita’s turn?) to remark that those signs outside of pawnshops insinuating pawnbrokers produce 50% more testosterone than ordinary humans should be banned as well.

  41. The pissing calvins are illegal in some counties in Alabama.

    The testicles are actually a safety feature…..when they draw up you know to watch for icey roads

  42. “I don’t care about this legislation in Maryland. I just want to know one thing: Will this foil my plans of replacing my hood ornament with a huge, multicolored prosthetic phallus?”

    Like the one Luke Wilson had in Idiocracy?

  43. Probably fall off after being dragged through the snow or frozen off when the plastic becomes brittle. et al “plastic” comments.

    From the website: “These indestructible big balls are pure aluminum and powder coated to perfection. Available in Blue, Black, Camo, Red, Yellow, Flesh, White, Brass, Aluminum.” (http://www.bumpernuts.com/)

    Now, what about the ubiquitous nude woman mudflaps. Arizona tried and failed to ban them. (http://www.autoblog.com/2007/02/21/az-legislators-naked-lady-mudflap-ban-defeated/)

  44. “The pissing calvins are illegal in some counties in Alabama.”

    Actually, they are illegal everywhere, as Bill Watterson never licensed the image to anybody.

  45. The right of miserably insecure dingbats…

    Suffering cigars, Sigmund. Did it ever occur to you that they just think it’s funny?

  46. “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

  47. Like the one Luke Wilson had in Idiocracy?

    mediageek,

    I haven’t seen Idiocracy yet. I’ll have to get back to you.

  48. Do you think there would be a market for Cameltoe trailer hitches?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cameltoe

  49. And we’ve come so far since the days of two coconuts in a burlap tied to the rear bumper of a Model T.

  50. Tom,
    I just get the ole lady to ride on the tailgate.

    ever seen cameltoes with cellulite?

  51. They are simply a warning label.

    When you see fake balls on the bumper, there will be a real dick on the steering wheel.

  52. there will still be the Jesus fish. And older-model compact Japanese cars with “Love Your Mother” and about 20 other assorted enviromentalism stickers, shouting at you as they pass by.

    Also, stickers of Calvin pissing on the Chevrolet logo. But maybe they’ll outlaw those too, eventually.

    Yeah, that pretty much covers it van, although there ought to be a place for minivans with three soccer ball decals above the alliterative kids’ names. (My sons are named Andy and Aaron, so this one is close to home. I don’t, however, put their accomplishments on the rear window of my vehicle.) Also, what about those “My kid beat up your honor student” bumper stickers?

    Available in Blue, Black, Camo, Red, Yellow, Flesh, White, Brass, Aluminum.

    CAMO???!? Mincturating Calvin suddenly doesn’t seem in nearly such bad taste.

  53. why I pulled you

  54. Whenever my son and I see these we can’t stop laughing. Therefore, if this legislator’s bill passes it will harm our father-son bonding experience. He must hate the children.

    Also, Ramon, you are in Allegany County? I am in Washington County, not far at all.

  55. “Suffering cigars, Sigmund. Did it ever occur to you that they just think it’s funny?”

    Sometimes a set of fake knackers hanging from a trailer hitch is just a set of fake knackers hanging from a trailer hitch?

  56. I hope my new “boobie nipple-beam” headlight covers aren’t affected by this law.

  57. Karen,

    “what about those “My kid beat up your honor student” bumper stickers?”

    I dislike those, but I dislike the ones that inspired them too.

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