Abortion

The Swiss Could Poke You Full of Holes

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It contains 85 tools, weighs nearly two pounds, and costs about $1000–the biggest Swiss Army knife ever. Writes the Guardian:

Although Swiss rationality and neutrality are often mistaken for wimpishness, Swiss mercenaries were long considered the most reliably vicious in Europe. The infantrymen of the Swiss Confederation were particularly skilled in the use of very nasty-looking pointy things, including crossbow bolts and the 18ft pikes with which they fought off the Habsburgs at the Battle of Morgarten in 1315. (The pikes carried by the Papal Swiss Guard are an echo of this battle.)

The article also suggests that you "unload this mother into the plastic tray as you walk through security at Heathrow and just see what happens." Reason readers, get to it!

And don't forget, Knives Take Lives. Especially those of the Swiss army variety.

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  1. Inquiring minds want to know: Does it have a toothpick?

  2. That Swiss Army knife would so accessorize the Hummer….

  3. OK, because of the “full of Holes” comment I just had to cut and paste this one:

    Self-defense Against Fresh Fruit

    Colonel (Graham Chapman):
    Get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major!

    Sargeant (John Cleese, shouting throughout):
    Right sir! Good evening, class.

    All (mumbling):
    Good evening.

    Sargeant:
    Where’s all the others, then?

    All:
    They’re not here.

    Sgt.:
    I can see that. What’s the matter with them?

    All:
    Dunno.

    Chapman (member of class):
    Perhaps they’ve got ‘flu.

    Sgt.:
    Huh! ‘Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

    (Grumbles from all)

    Palin:
    Oh, you promised you wouldn’t do fruit this week.

    Sgt.:
    What do you mean?

    Jones:
    We’ve done fruit the last nine weeks.

    Sgt.:
    What’s wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

    Palin:
    Can’t we do something else?

    Idle (Welsh):
    Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

    Sgt.:
    Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I’ll tell you something my lad. When you’re walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don’t come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit…

    All:
    We done the passion fruit.

    Sgt.:
    What?

    Chapman:
    We done the passion fruit.

    Palin:
    We done oranges, apples, grapefruit…

    Jones:
    Whole and segments.

    Palin:
    Pomegranates, greengages…

    Chapman:
    Grapes, passion fruit…

    Palin:
    Lemons…

    Jones:
    Plums…

    Chapman:
    Mangoes in syrup…

    Sgt.:
    How about cherries?

    All:
    We did them.

    Sgt.: Red and black?

    All:
    Yes!

    Sgt.:
    All right, bananas.

    (All sigh.)

    Sgt.:
    We haven’t done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it’s quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him ‘elpless.

    Palin:
    Suppose he’s got a bunch.

    Sgt.:
    Shut up.

    Idle:
    Suppose he’s got a pointed stick.

    Sgt.:
    Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

    Chapman:
    ‘Arrison.

    Sgt.:
    Sorry, Mr. ‘Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that’s it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

    Chapman:
    Aaagh! (dies.)

    Sgt.:
    Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

    Palin:
    You shot him!

    Jones:
    He’s dead!

    Idle:
    He’s completely dead!

    Sgt.:
    I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now ‘elpless.

    Palin:
    You shot him. You shot him dead.

    Sgt.:
    Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

    Jones:
    But you told him to.

    Sgt.:
    Look, I’m only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.

    Idle:
    And pointed sticks.

    Sgt.:
    Shut up.

    Palin:
    Suppose I’m attacked by a man with a banana and I haven’t got a gun?

    Sgt.:
    Run for it.

    Jones:
    You could stand and scream for help.

    Sgt.:
    Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

    Jones:
    A pineapple?

    Sgt.:
    Where? Where?

    Jones:
    No I just said: a pineapple.

    Sgt.:
    Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.

    Jones:
    What, on the pineapple?

    Sgt.:
    Where? Where?

    Jones:
    No, I was just repeating it.

    Sgt.:
    Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that’s bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. ‘Armless looking thing, isn’t it? Now you, Mr Tin Peach.

    Jones:
    Thompson.

    Sgt.:
    Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.

    Jones:
    No.

    Sgt.:
    Why not?

    Jones:
    You’ll shoot me.

    Sgt.:
    I won’t.

    Jones:
    You shot Mr. Harrison.

    Sgt.:
    That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won’t shoot you.

    Idle:
    You promised you’d tell us about pointed sticks.

    Sgt.:
    Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry.
    Come at me with it. Give me Hell.

    Jones:
    Throw the gun away.

    Sgt.:
    I haven’t got a gun.

    Jones:
    You have.

    Sgt.:
    Haven’t.

    Jones:
    You shot Mr ‘Arrison with it.

    Sgt.:
    Oh, that gun.

    Jones:
    Throw it away.

    Sgt.:
    Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant –
    without a gun.

    Jones:
    You were going to shoot me!

    Sgt.:
    I wasn’t.

    Jones:
    You were!

    Sgt.:
    No, I wasn’t, I wasn’t. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed…

    (Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall-
    CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones)

    Jones:
    Aaagh.

    Sgt.:
    If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.

    Palin:
    Suppose there isn’t a 16-ton weight?

    Sgt.:
    Well that’s planning, isn’t it? Forethought.

    Palin:
    Well how many 16-ton weights are there?

    Sgt.:
    Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!

    Idle:
    Like what?

    Sgt.:
    Shootin’ him?

    Palin:
    Well what if you haven’t got a gun or a 16-ton weight?

    Sgt.:
    Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.

    Palin:
    No guns.

    Sgt.:
    No.

    Palin:
    No 16-ton weights.

    Sgt.:
    No.

    Idle:
    No pointed sticks.

    Sgt.:
    Shut up.

    Palin:
    No rocks up in the ceiling.

    Sgt.:
    No.

    Palin:
    And you won’t kill us.

    Sgt.:
    I won’t.

    Palin:
    Promise.

    Sgt.:
    I promise I won’t kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?

    Palin and Idle:
    Oh, all right.

    Sgt.:
    Right, now don’t rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I’ll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you’re being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to – release the tiger!

    (He does so. Growls. Screams.)

    Sgt.:
    The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you’re hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I’m ready for you. I’ve wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we’ll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That’s it…

    (Explosion.)

  4. So the longest comment ever in response to the longest Swiss Army knife ever?

  5. This cigarette lighter has 82 functions. 83 if you [flick] want to light a cigarette.

    D Flint

  6. Just part of the Swiss Jihadist Conspiracy.

    Let them on the planes with that and before you know it, all our cheese will have holes in it and we’ll all be popping out the door every hour on the hour saying “Coo-Koo” up to twelve times.

  7. Can you imagine a beowulf cluster of those?

  8. Pity they didn’t include an 18-foot pike in the super-sized Swiss Army knife.

  9. Maybe the pike comes in segments.

    Does it have one of those screwdrivers for glasses?

  10. Yes, but only if you like crushed glasses.

  11. OK, my Christmas wish list just got another entry.

  12. Well, as long as we’re talking about wish list items from Switzerland, I’d also like a brand new Sig Sauer with the two-tone finish, and a bunch of chocolate.

    And that knife.

  13. I want that just so I could get mugged and point out to my assailant that, no, what he has is not a knife, THIS is a knife.

  14. Jonathan,
    If you got into a knifefight with that swiss army knife, you would lose. It practically takes 2 hands to grip it, and yet the blade is only 3 inches long.

  15. Karen,

    I think so, but it’s hard to tell. You have to figure that if it has a “Shortix laboratory key,” whatever the hell that is (thoreau? biologist? any other lab people?), that it has an eyeglass screwdriver.

  16. “Implement combinations subject to change without notice.”

    A spontaneously mutating artefact?

  17. Wait for the next model – it comes with a 1.3 gigapixel camera and plays MP3s!

  18. I see cell phone technology and pocket knife technology running full-steam ahead to each other. Pretty soon we are just going to need one device to do anything ever.
    Human beings will be rendered obsolete by Cingular and the Swiss, although you always knew it would end like that.

  19. Someone tell the guy holding the thing to use the nail clippers…

  20. Someone tell the guy holding the thing to use the nail clippers…

    Give him a few minutes. It’s hard to find the nail clippers in that thing.

  21. Progress Uber Alles,

    A spontaneously mutating artefact?

    I was hoping for this to be an organic SWA, but, alas, it seems to be free-range.

  22. “””Pity they didn’t include an 18-foot pike in the super-sized Swiss Army knife.”””

    That a special order.

  23. Aside from the “holeeee sheeeit! factor, this thing has to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Imagine trying to use a pair of tweezers or a screwdriver or a paring knife or nail clippers, but with a goddamned brick attached to the end. That’s what this is like.

  24. How lame. It doesn’t even have a knife in it.

  25. “12/20 gauge choke tube tool”

    Now why am I not surprised a Guardian writer wouldn’t know what this is?

  26. The ultimate Swiss Army knife is one that simply morphs into whatever handheld tool that I happen to need. In a slender, chic form, ideally. A Swiss-Pod, if you will.

  27. leathermen are made in oragon…and are about a million times more usefull and reliable as a swiss army knife…if you want any better you should just buy yourself a tool box an fill it full of tools

  28. Stupid Trivia of the Day:

    Do you know how the Leatherman tool got its name?

    It was created by Tim Leatherman. No kidding.

  29. Well then. I guess Orson Welles was wrong about the Swiss, wasn’t he?

  30. I’ll take a good CASE knife period.
    A swiss knife is little more than a
    cute toy.

  31. I’ve carried a S.A.Knife or Victronix for
    30 years. They sell a variety of them, so
    you aren’t stuck with an unwieldy collector’s
    item like the above example. The knife blade
    is easy to sharpen. If you only had one knife
    to own, it should be a S.A.Knife.

    I carry other knives, too, depending on the
    task at hand. Before you purchase a knife,
    be sure to check which alloy the blade is
    made of. If it doesn’t list the alloy
    specifically, don’t buy the knife.
    Go to this URL to get an idea of blade alloys.
    http://www.zknives.com/knives/articles/knifesteelfaq.shtml

  32. If it’s like every other SAK, the glasses (jeweler’s) screwdriver screws into the corkscrew for storage. And this giant has at least 3 blades in it.

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