Grabbed by the Purity Balls

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Like Katherine, I'm having a hard time getting worked up over the appointment of the abstinence-happy Mr. Keroack to the federal office in charge of family planning. NRO's Kathryn Jean Lopez does not share this problem:

Yeah, we can disagree. Maybe you do think AND IT CURES YOUR ACNE TOO ads for contraception are awesome. Well then we do in fact disagree. But there's a whole opining crowd out there that can't think beyond Christianist! Freak! when they hear something like the word "abstinence."

Clarification from the opining slutty birth control patch-baring crowd: I don't think a person who promotes not fucking for a living is a freak per se; I just think he needs a hobby, or maybe a good hooker. At the same time, I generally enjoy it when administrations appoint program heads who  fundamentally oppose the missions of said programs. Everything about this guy screams misogyny, but then, there is something strangely appropriate about a man who thinks people need to be taught how to not have sex helping to run a department full of people who think Americans need to be taught how to put a piece of latex on a penis. And the guy who runs the government office aimed at regulating American sex lives should be creepy.

What I really can't understand is NRO's aversion to the fact that certain birth control pills do in fact cure acne. I had no idea off-label skincare treatments were such a rallying point among social conservatives.

Courtesy of commenter "tarran," learn all about purity balls here.

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  1. floozy patch?!? doesn’t goldberg know the proper term, “tramp stamp?”

  2. Free Association:

    Kerouac running the Family Planning office at HHS.

    Go!

  3. i thought a “tramp stamp” was one of those lower back tattoos that, i must admit, i think are one of the trashiest looking things a woman can sport.

  4. Acne is God’s way of promoting abstinence! Damn those clear-skinned pill-popping whores!

  5. Does this position come with any power? Can he influence the decision to bring Plan B out from behind the counter? Can he prohibit condom sales to minors?

  6. “Can he prohibit condom sales to minors?”

    Just wash the sheets like you did before.

    “Acne is God’s way of promoting abstinence!”

    Didn’t work.

  7. I think I understand the objection. They think of procreation as a big deal and acne as trivial, and don’t like the idea that a decision about such a big deal could be influenced by a minor factor like that.

    It’s as if a church offered bingo games as an inducement. Or as if someone gave free samples of baby formula, or of drugs for serious conditions. Or as if the armed services or the fire or police dept. offered benefits.

  8. I clicked on the “purity balls” link. That is some creepy [stuff].

  9. …need…water…Robert…Goodman’s…post…tooo…dry….

  10. The Economist had a somewhat creepier article than the details I got from a cursory examination of the link above. The father gives his daughter a ring that she’s supposed to wear until she gets a wedding ring.

    Apparently they’re working on a ceremony where boys pledge to be abstinent. They give the boys (I kid you not) a sword.

    I’m all in favor of telling teenage boys to not knock anybody up, but I don’t know that giving him a sword carries the proper symbolism.

    Now, if you give him a light saber and Jedi costume, well, that will guarantee that he never has sex, but not for lack of trying.

  11. Who wants to start a pool on which of the purity ball girls will get knocked up in high school?

  12. i thought a “tramp stamp” was one of those lower back tattoos that, i must admit, i think are one of the trashiest looking things a woman can sport.

    Those are “butt antlers”.

  13. Dammit, I was just going to mention the economist piece.

  14. Actually, I guess a sword could work, but only if you also give the boy some chain mail and 20-sided dice.

  15. Thoureau, are you trying to keep the poor boy pure, or get his ass kicked?

  16. Howzabout this for an abstinence slogan: Comics, not condoms!

  17. Thoureau, are you trying to keep the poor boy pure, or get his ass kicked?

    I think the two phenomena are strongly correlated.

  18. I will deny you all my essence.

  19. The state needs to just handout mandatory chastity belts and be done with it.

  20. Make World of Warcraft, not love!

  21. So if its just anal do you get to keep the ring and the sword?

  22. The ring and the sword of war craft.

  23. Now, if you give him a light saber and Jedi costume, well, that will guarantee that he never has sex, but not for lack of trying.

    thoreau, I sense in that statement a little too much conviction, perhaps arising from a deep personal angst? ūüėČ

  24. Make World of Warcraft, not love!

    Stick with D&D. I know too many couples who WoW.

  25. “I don’t think a person who promotes not fucking for a living is a freak per se”

    You might have revised the word order as follows:
    “I don’t think a person who for a living promotes not fucking is a freak per se”

    Slightly more awkward, but also slightly less likely to get confused with a condemnation of prostitution. (Not that he’s okay with prostitution, either, but that’s less his focus than a logical extension of his focus.)

  26. Of course, there’s always ear sex….

  27. and here I was thinking that a “purity ball” was some sort of combination chastity belt and ben-wa ball. Learned something new.

  28. So if its just anal do you get to keep the ring and the sword?

    Hmmm good question. Seems they need something like a Purity Ball FAQ

    But can I still give blowjobs?

    Of course! Remember, it’s not immoral if it’s only oral.

  29. I’m picturing the queen of the purity ball having a bucket of sperm dumped on her like at the end of Carrie.

    It would require a LOT of sperm…

  30. A Purity Ball FAq and ear sex?
    Would that mean I’m gay?

  31. i thought a “tramp stamp” was one of those lower back tattoos that, i must admit, i think are one of the trashiest looking things a woman can sport.

    I prefer the German word Arschgeweih for those tattoos, which translates as “ass antlers”.

  32. Arrghh, Eric the .5b got it before I did. Damn.

  33. Apparently they’re working on a ceremony where boys pledge to be abstinent. They give the boys (I kid you not) a sword.

    I would’ve really loved to to think I needed to fight the chicks off with a sword (my ex-naval officer father owned one, so it was ready) at age 15-17. Alas, no such luck, my geeky dorkiness (dorky geekiness?) was enough to keep them at bay.

    Years later I learned that there were several young lovelies, including both of my best friend’s older sisters who were suffering from the malady that only a shot from Dr Isaac’s beef injector would cure.

    And the worst part of it is is that when I look back I see that the messages they sent were so freaking obvious that I should be taken out and shot.

    I console myself by telling myself that I would have been so bad at that age that instead of pining for what might have been Lorraine, Lorelei, Sheila et al would be remembering the disappointment they suffered.

  34. Dr Isaac’s beef injector

    No, Isaac, no. Never again. please.

  35. What I really can’t understand is NRO’s aversion to the fact that certain birth control pills do in fact cure acne.

    “Good girls” wouldn’t dream of taking the birth control pill because they aren’t going to “do it.”

    “Good girls” can and do, however, take anti-acne pills. Any side effects, like preventing pregnancy, are just accidental. [wink]

  36. Mi>i thought a “tramp stamp” was one of those lower back tattoos that,

    AKA “target”

  37. i thought a “tramp stamp” was one of those lower back tattoos that, i must admit, i think are one of the trashiest looking things a woman can sport.

    I’m not big on tattoos, especially on women. One or a few I can take or leave. Lots, or big intrusive ones, I don’t generally like. But the lower back ones are actually kind of hot.

  38. Steveo likes the dirty girls. Dig it.

  39. But seriously folks, the purity ball chicks are either going to be banging the WHOLE basketball team at age 16 – OR – they will be breast feeding their three year old kids.

  40. Purity Ball sounds like that whole Jessica and Joe Simpson type relationship. You know the one where the dad makes money off daughter’s T&A, and the daughter fucks half the crew of the Dukes of Hazzard and Jackass movies.

  41. So girls get some lame ring and boys get a SWORD? Man, this whole abstinence thing is totally unfair.

    Also, birth control totally failed to cure my acne.

  42. dagny,

    If it is any consolation, you can wear the ring in public and walk by a cop without being molested (unless you give him that come hither look).

    Try doing that with a sword.

  43. KJL is more unhinged every day.

    Is this guy really tasked with “regulating” what anyone does? His task seems to be about whether or not people get what education, and free rubbers. His appointment ensures that folks will get crazytown misinformation. You may not want your tax dollars spent on any of this, but isn’t it worse to have them used to promote the idea that the sexual lives of voles proves that too much sex is bad for you?

    “Can he influence the decision to bring Plan B out from behind the counter? ”

    No, for that position, Bush appointed a rapist.
    http://www.thenation.com/docprint.mhtml?i=20050530&s=mcgarvey

  44. I prefer the German word Arschgeweih for those tattoos, which translates as “ass antlers”.
    The term that I learned was “cum target.”

  45. I’m considering getting a tattoo of (an approximation of) the Mandlebrot set on my lower back. I think that goes past hot and trampy to pure dork.

  46. Ellie, it is time we dated.

    seriously.

  47. Isn’t anyone listening? Need to know if the “boy” can get a ring instead of a sword if he abstains from gay anal sex (your not queer if it’s just an ear).

    Jess askin’

  48. A ring and a sword? Could these people come up with some abstinence symbols that are a little less like the genitalia they’re trying to make the kids forget about?

  49. The colloquial term for the lower back tattoo that I’ve always liked is “doggie art”.

  50. Well I’m upper upper class high society
    God’s gift to ballroom notoriety
    And I always fill my ballroom
    The event is never small
    The social pages say I’ve got
    The biggest balls of all

    I’ve got big balls
    I’ve got big balls
    They’re such big balls
    And they’re dirty big balls
    And he’s got big balls
    And she’s got big balls
    (But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all)

    And my balls are always bouncing
    My ballroom always full
    And everybody cums and cums again
    If your name is on the guest list
    No one can take you higher
    Everybody says I’ve got
    Great balls of fire

    I’ve got big balls
    Oh I’ve got big balls
    And they’re such big balls
    Dirty big balls
    And he’s got big balls
    And she’s got big balls
    (But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all)

    Some balls are held for charity
    And some for fancy dress
    But when they’re held for pleasure
    They’re the balls that I like best
    My balls are always bouncing
    To the left and to the right
    It’s my belief that my big balls
    Should be held every night

    We’ve got big balls
    We’ve got big balls
    We’ve got big balls
    Dirty big balls
    He’s got big balls
    She’s got big balls
    (But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all)

    (We’ve got big balls)
    (We’ve got big balls)

    And I’m just itching to tell you about them
    Oh we had such wonderful fun
    Seafood cocktail, crabs, crayfish
    (But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all)

    (Ball sucker)
    (Ball sucker)
    (Ball sucker)
    (Ball sucker)

  51. Bon Scott always sounded like a screaming child stuck in a grocery cart (“trolly”).

    Now, back to my post: am I gay for having same-sex ear sex AND do I get my ball?

    Jess

  52. Yes and no; no balls for you.

  53. So girls get some lame ring and boys get a SWORD?

    Yeah, nothing Freudian to see here. Just move along.

  54. Did anyone else notice that that Purity Ball website has a quote from Anais Nin on the sidebar?!

    The Way We See Things
    “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” –Anais Nin

    Oh, the irony!

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