Who Really Won the Election?


The Onion has the scoop.

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  1. Damn. I had a feeling that would happen.

  2. The Rumsfeld story is pretty dead-on as well.

  3. George Allen has thrown in the towel.

    ” … and the holocaust was complete.”
    — F. Scott Fitzgerald
    “The Great Gatsby”

  4. I thought the Illuminati won, as always.


    It is now official that in the last two remain Senate races to be decided, the Democrats have ousted Burns and Allen.

    Say goodnight Gracie!

  6. Goodnight Gracie.

  7. thoreau,

    Don’t be a conspiracy-believing fool! Of course it wasn’t the Illuminati that won. What tripe!

    It was the Freemasons.

  8. Until Allen conceded, I thought it was the lawyers who won.

  9. Was the Onion *ever* funny?

  10. Note how we’ve fooled intelligent people like thoreau and pro libertate.

    We won. We always have and always will. (You all know who “we” are.)

    maniacal laughter, rubbing of hands in glee, etc.

    No, Jennifer, you still can’t join unless you convert.

    more maniacal laughter

  11. What is important – and I think we can thank Republicans and Democrats alike – the terrorists were consistently out polled.

  12. I don’t get it.

  13. PL-

    Of course the Freemasons won. But who controls the Freemasons, huh?

  14. Apostate Jew,

    Nice try, but I know y’all don’t rule the world. I had a Jewish roommate who always complained that if his people were ruling the world, how come he wasn’t invited to any of the meetings? Besides, I dated a Jewish girl. I might believe that they rule the world, but the stories always suggest that it’s the men. Ha! I’ve seen you around your women 🙂

    Like I said, it’s always been and always will be the Freemasons. Look at the founding of the most powerful single country in the world and count the Freemasons.


    We do!

  15. Who controls the British crown?
    Who keeps the metric system down?
    We do! We do!
    Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
    Who keeps the martians under wraps?
    We do! We do!
    Who holds back the electric car?
    Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
    We do! We do!
    Who robs the cave fish of their sight?
    Who rigs every Oscars night?
    We do! We do!

  16. My vote goes to the Stonecutters, just for that awesome song.

  17. Patrick Stewart,

    Very good! I thought I’d have to clarify my point, but no Simpsons’ reference, however subtle, can be missed around here.

    Clearly, whoever it is, it’s someone wielding a hammer and working in stone and masonry.

  18. The Onion has had funnier years than the most recent ones, but it seems to be on the rise again. I glanced at the front page when I was getting a burrito a couple of weeks ago: “North Korea Detonates 40 Years’ Worth of GDP”.

    As ha been noted on this forum before though, they do get a bit lefty-preachy/stupid in the AV Section.

  19. I have seen an anarchist poster that says “Whoever you vote for, the Government is elected!”

  20. WE WON!

    Prepare to bow down before your new islamofascist overlords, American degenerate weaklings!

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