Because I'm…Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute

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I am too childish foolish for this world. When Mark Foley tried the old molested-by-a-priest trick, I figured that had to be straight-up bullshit. Not a day later, it turned out that, while they may not have been unwanted encounters, there really were some hot interludes between the boy-wonder Foley and Fr. Anthony Mercieca (now living, in a detail nobody could make up, "on the Mediterranean island of Gozo off Malta").

Yesterday I hear that Rev. Ted Haggard, the gay-marriage-hatin' (now former) head of the National Association of Evangelicals, was involved with a male prostitute, and it sounded like the whole thing was so obviously a setup that it wasn't even worth a second thought. Today it turns out Haggard really was doing the nasty… Excuse me, he was just buying some drugs from the gay escort in question, but there was no sexual (mis)conduct—which I guess is the Evangelical equivalent of Kevin Spacey innocently lending his cell phone to a Hyde Park hustler.

And I mean, I'm always willing to believe the worst of religious people. But these just seemed too convenient to be true. No more! Twice bitten, thrice shy, I say. From this day forward, I believe everything I hear.

Special Gaydar Update: Commenter crapactionjackson sends along a great clip of Richard Dawkins getting harangued by Haggard. I had never seen Haggard in action before; the man is obviously queer as a French horn. Here I was thinking he was one of God's tough guys, equally at home cutting down trees and sharing his enormous penis with his young son. To reiterate, I should have been, like Haggard's flock, ready to believe.

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  1. So are there any heterosexual rightwingers left? It’s like the whole movement has been inflitrated by the Village People.

  2. I have a friend who was given a cell phone by Spacey to ‘keep in touch’ while he had this gig as an extra on some film here in Austin…and in other news, you can add Ted Haggard as a friend to your myspace page!!!

    http://www.myspace.com/tedhaggard

  3. LOL DAMN!! That is some sleazy shit!! I mean, what’s left after you do stuff like snort up before having sex with a prostitute in a hotel room? Animal sex? Scatology? LOL!!

  4. Brian

    [Cue anapestic trimeter.]

    “We want you as a new recruit.”

  5. Haggard said he only bought the meth from his gay boyfriend (who he never had sex with) because he was curious, but he didn’t use it and threw it away. Just how stupid does this guy think we are, and just how stupid are we?

  6. Apparently Pastor Haggard’s Bible didn’t have Proverbs in it, or he would have known, “Pride goeth before a fall, and a haughty spirit before destruction.” That verse, by the way, applies to both his appalling conduct, worse hypocrisy, and even lower explanation for himself.

  7. It’s fun to be in the V-R-W-C… V-R-W-C…

  8. “Just how stupid does this guy think we are, and just how stupid are we?”

    Especially when there are voicemail recordings of haggard asking for “more”, in $100 or $200 increments.

    It’s almost like he knows the lingo or something.

  9. Of course the real important question has yet to be answered: Top or bottom?

  10. “Of course the real important question has yet to be answered: Top or bottom?”

    If you’re his wife, the real important question has to be “You used condoms, didn’t you?”

  11. Ooooh this is sooo delicious.

    I remember first seeing this asshole in Richard Dawkins’ “Root Of All Evil?” where he interviewed Haggard about his religious views. Afterwards, while Dawkins was in the parking lot of the Haggard’s megachurch, the latter pulls up in a SUV and starts to shout at Dawkins, demanding he leave for calling the members of his church “animals.”

    Dawkins said that he didn’t call Haggard parishioners “animals” but had pointed out to Haggard during their conversation that human beings were technically animals. Either Haggard to stupid to understand basic biology, or couldn’t pass up on the chance to pose as a Crusading Minister putting a “godless scientist” in his place for the the congregation members who watched the incident.

    I’m lovin’ this!

  12. Here’s the video of Haggard being interviewed by Richard Dawkins:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkUi6dhwWx0

    Though it pales in comparison to Dawkins’ recent liason with Mrs. Garrison on South Park…

  13. “But I didn’t inhale … or swallow”

  14. Tim,

    One BILLION points for the Fred Garvin headline. Man, that was Ackroyd’s greatest role, bar none. I’m waiting for the movie.

  15. Here’s the video of Haggard being interviewed by Richard Dawkins

    By an amazing coincidence, I had just yesterday downloaded (from Google Video) and watched both episodes of Dawkins’ documentary, “The Root of All Evil?”, from which that interview is taken.

    Though it pales in comparison to Dawkins’ recent liason with Mrs. Garrison on South Park…

    Which is absurd. There’s no way Dawkins would cheat on Lalla Ward.

  16. I’ll chip in a billion points for the headline, too. To this day I make restaurant reservations in the name “Garvin. Fred Garvin.”

  17. Franklin, do you mean to tell me that Romana is married to Richard Dawkins? And he still doesn’t believe in God? Man, is that guy obtuse or what?

    Oh, and by any chance are you the Franklin Harris who comments at Rod Dreher’s blog on Beliefnet? I often lurk there and I like what you have to say.

  18. Ok, I get that he wants a little excitement on the side. (After 5 kids, who wouldn’t) But I don’t get why these folks who get “outted” are so virulently anti-gay before they’re outted. If you were a closeted gay, wouldn’t you say, “well, those gay guys aren’t *that* bad,” as opposed to, “all homosexuals will burn in hell!!” Now, when a religious leader espouses an anti-gay viewpoint, the more extreme it is, the more I’ll suspect him(or her) to be gay.

  19. Karen,

    You mean I have an evil twin hanging out with the Ur-Crunchy Con? Interesting….

  20. Now, when a religious leader espouses an anti-gay viewpoint, the more extreme it is, the more I’ll suspect him(or her) to be gay.

    Andy, I think you’re catching on.

  21. I didn’t buy the allegations at first. It’s my understanding that crystal is to flaccid as Viagra is to…um…the opposite. I’ve heard stories about this kind of thing at raves and in large groups… …but then who knows, maybe the good pastor wasn’t doing the driving? Anyway, I don’t think this ‘ll affect the culture warrior vote. You couldn’t stop those block-heads from voting with an aluminum bat.

    I’m Ken Shultz and I approved this nonsense.

  22. IN OTHER FUNDIE-BASHING NEWS:

    Creationist scumbag “Dr.” (he got his degree from the Evangelical diploma mill) Ken Hovind and wife convicted for tax fraud!!!

    It’s been a good weekend to be an atheist.

  23. Maybe your creationist scumbag forgot to say his prayers. eh?

    I hadn’t heard about Hovind or the case before.

    Looks like he went down standing on the same platform that some libertarians and many tax protestors stand on.

    He simply paid his employees their gross wages and refused to withhold income tax and social security taxes.

    Actually IRS takes employment tax issues very seriously these days. Contract Labor and Independent Contracting are going the way of, well, Dino Land.

    IRS wants everybody to be an employee, all the better to watch you and take your cash.

    He also got popped for trying to evade currency transaction reports and even for refusal to sign a citation issued for daring to build a building without a permit.

    There’s little question this guy’s a nutjob. There’s also little question as to who has the guns in America and if you piss them off, they will squash you like a bug.

    This bonehead’s lucky Janet Reno’s not prosecuting him. Dino Land would look like a Bosch painting of the furnaces of hell. Ask Koresch how that works.

  24. I play the French horn. The French horn is a friend of mine, and you, sir, are no French horn.

  25. I seem to recall Ayn Rand describing this kind of assclown. The man who has convinced himself that the mind and body are separate, and that the body is evil, will decide that sex is evil and end up with the inevitable converse: evil is sex.

    So, the Jim Bakkers, the Jimmy Swaggarts, and the Ted Haggards of the world seek out whatever they think of as dirty or degenerate, because it’s the only way they can get off. I pity these people, their followers, and most of all the children who are raised to despise themselves. It’s bloody sick.

    In a year or so, when Haggard is once again a superstar on the bible-thumper circuit with his “I used to be all messed up on drugs and sex, but now I’m all messed up on JESUS” shtick, I hope that someone will yell out “shut the fuck up, you flaming hypocrite!”

    -jcr

  26. I seem to recall Ayn Rand describing this kind of assclown. The man who has convinced himself that the mind and body are separate, and that the body is evil, will decide that sex is evil and end up with the inevitable converse: evil is sex.

    Sounds like my ex-girlfriend.

    In a year or so, when Haggard is once again a superstar on the bible-thumper circuit with his “I used to be all messed up on drugs and sex, but now I’m all messed up on JESUS” shtick, I hope that someone will yell out “shut the fuck up, you flaming hypocrite!”

    I think it will take more than a year to rehabilitate Haggard’s image, but it’s more than possible. After all, twenty years ago, James Randi revealed that televangelist and “faith healer” was getting his messages from “God” via a radio transmitter in his ear. Today, Popoff is hawking “miracle water” and his evangelical organization is raking in over $16,000,000 a year.

    I guess with “tha lawd” anything is truly possible.

  27. Man, you guys are all going to burn in hell!

  28. Man, you guys are all going to burn in hell!

    Really? Yesss!

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