Campaigns/Elections

I Wish I Could Piss Like A Man, I'd Join the Navy

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The neighborhood of what was all too briefly my Old Dominion home is blanketed with Webb and Allen posters, but was still late getting to the season's dumbest election story: penisinthemouthgate In case you missed it, Sen. George Allen has unleashed a library-clearing broadside against challenger James Webb, the decorated Vietnam veteran and former Navy secretary whose military novels contain such racy passages as a reference to a woman who pees standing up ("Didn't lose a drop, either. Not a drop"), a stripper who can cut a banana "in four equal sections by the muscles of her vagina," and this bit that has captured the hearts and minds of all Americans:

"A shirtless man walked toward them along a mud pathway. His muscles were young and hard, but his face was devastated with wrinkles. His eyes were so red that they appeared to be burned by fire. A naked boy ran happily toward him from a little plot of dirt. The man grabbed his young son in his arms, turned him upside down, and put the boy's penis in his mouth."

"Most Virginians and Americans would find passages such as those below shocking," Allen says, raising the question of what most Virginians would find above shocking. Allen's Great Books crusade has already been good for hundreds of breathless news stories and has already generated the inevitable unintended hilarity: Lynne Cheney's battle to suppress her own steaming-hot-lesbo novel Sisters. Even Hit & Run commenter "ex-subscriber" has got his or her panties in a knot about Webb's purple prose. Maybe I'm jaded, but the perverse stuff seems like standard issue sailor talk (wake me up when a stripper can peel and cut a banana with her pussy muscles), and the descriptive parts sound pretty much like the ham-handed "toward dawn, he took her again" passages you usually find in books like this. Maybe Webb's a misogynist, but based on these passages I'd say if anything he shows a healthy respect for the power and versatility of female plumbing.

What to make of it all? Reason's own Radley Balko points the way on his blog, noting that the boy's-penis passage (which even in Allen's invidious out-of-context quote reads like the piece of oddball local color it obviously is) actually draws attention to something Allen should probably be downplaying-that Webb actually served in Vietnam. I am not a James Webb supporter (the only thing I'm hoping for the Democrats to deliver in two weeks is divided government), but he's the closest thing to a renaissance man American politics offers at the moment: a decorated veteran, a high-level government official in various capacities, a highly praised novelist (the only one I've read is Fields of Fire, which I liked a lot), a popular historian with a prominent book about the Scots-Irish to his credit, and so on.

Against this, Allen is arguing, as Jeff Taylor noted a while back, that he should be re-elected because he's a moron. Based on the positive reaction this desperate attack on Webb is getting, it looks like that argument may be good enough. That's more disturbing than anything in James Webb's novels.

Title explanation.

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  1. Anybody else see backslashes before every apostrophe?

    Also, the links seem to fail, loading a seemingly empty page. If you view the page source, you see the following text as an HTML comment:

    Uptick failre: You have an error in your SQL syntax; check the manual that corresponds to your MySQL server version for the right syntax to use near ” at line 1

    And no ‘Preview’ button? Maybe all this was covered on the 93-comment “New-and-Improved” thread that fails to display when I click on the link…

    Oh, as for the actual content: Allen, Webb, crack in the earth, fires of perdition, etc.

  2. backslashes before every apostrophe

    It’s the predictable backslash from the worldwide Webb constituency.

    And clicking on “Title explanation” brought me only to this Comments section. I guess we’re expected to do more of the work now, so here goes: http://tinyurl.com/yeueqr

  3. Meet the new squirrels, same as the old squirrels.

  4. closing italics tag inserted in this post to fix board.

  5. Macacca/Towel-head/N word/Monkey face/Red Neck/Plant with Noose/Horny Women/I put a deer head in your mailbox…. whatever. I’ve had it. I’m convinced politics is People Magazine for ugly people. The story lines are certainly as in depth.

    For the life of me, I’m still trying to figure out why some people think there is this bright line of distinction between the two of them. At least Allen attempts to be good on taxes and free trade. I don’t mind too much that he is a moron – he’s just a Senator for crying out loud.

    At the same time, I don’t agree with myself 97% of the time. I have no idea how Allen can agree with anyone that often, much less Bush.

    I’d love to see a pro-Webb comment. As it stands, I’m only going to the polls to vote “No” on the marriage amendment.

  6. “Maybe Webb’s a misogynist”

    And “maybe” Allen’s a racist.

    I live in Virginia, and I can tell you, at least one write-in vote will be cast for “M-A-C-A-C-A.”

    Something tells me mine won’t be the only one.

  7. Is that banana being cut lengthwise into four pieces? Cuz that would be pretty impressive.

  8. Cab: “For the life of me, I’m still trying to figure out why some people think there is this bright line of distinction between the two of them. At least Allen attempts to be good on taxes and free trade. I don’t mind too much that he is a moron – he’s just a Senator for crying out loud.”

    There are two types of people in the USA – those who figure that the last six years has taught them to be war of the ‘no difference between them’ slogan, and those don’t.

  9. Given two unsatisfactory choices, i’m voting Webb because he always has a pained look on his face and I can empathise with that.

    And I’m voting “no” on the marriage amendment, of course.

  10. Am I the only male poster who’s not reassured by the image of a banana being cut into 4 pieces, of any size, by a vagina?

  11. (wake me up when a stripper can peel and cut a banana with her pussy muscles)

    Of course, the hard part is getting the monkey with a knife up there first.

  12. If you delete the “https://www.reason.com/%22” from the link, it takes you to the poster, though I don’t know if that is an error with software or a syntax error on the poster’s part.

  13. That bit about the stripper and the banana indicates that Webb is obviously too creative to spend the next six years in the Senate. Better that we warehouse dullards like Allen there, perhaps?

    The pisser is that the Va. Libertarian Party decided not to run a candidate in this race–or very many others, for that matter. I live in Arlington, and there are no Libertarians for me to vote for. Guess I should have run–not that I have much desire to shake hands or stand outside a Metro stop self-promoting.

  14. Given that we live in a country where consumption of hard core pornography is higher than church attendence, a few lines in a novel are shocking?

    Come on people, come out of the closet!

  15. Banannas and sex puleeeeeze, spare me that visual…….

    I once dated a girl who exercised those muscles. It was like doing a round wash board.

  16. Divided Government is a myth. It makes absolutely no difference in the end. Every congress and every president for at least the last 60 years has spent more than the one that went before. We are talking degree only and it doesn’t matter if your shot in the head and die immediately or if you’re stabbed in the back and linger in intensive care for a week. You’re still dead. Compared to the next two presidents, GWB will seem frugal. And when Di-Fi gets here retina scans enacted into law you guys will be saying, well GWB was bad, but shit howdy, not like this.

  17. “We are talking degree only and it doesn’t matter if your shot in the head and die immediately or if you’re stabbed in the back and linger in intensive care for a week.”

    Sure it does – in the hospital, you can watch TV while you slip away.

    “Compared to the next two presidents, GWB will seem frugal.”

    King Log and King Stork …

  18. Soylent vaginal muscles are made to Klegel! KLEEEEGELLLLLL!

    (Recycled; sorry.)

  19. Radley Balko’s website is blocked for “inappropriate content”? Since when? I gotta get a new job.

    I used to rely on my Treo browser for this sort of thing, but with the new H&R site design what’s a slacker investment banker to do?

  20. The sex scenes in Ralph Peters’ novels are much better.

  21. If I could piss like a man, I’d be one of The Village People.

    Is “mouthgate” redundant?

  22. While not as impressive as slicing a banana, I knew a stripper who could shoot a ping pong ball across the bar with her vagina.

    And thus, I christen the new server with a comment about the Carnal Cannon.

  23. Okinowa, Japan.

    have seen the bannana thing done. even worse one drunk guy ate it.

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