Animal Behavior

In the Course of Time, the Supreme Court Came to Consist of Nine Purple-Assed Baboons


Baboon battles break out in South Africa:

Conflicts between baboons and humans in the suburbs of prosperous Cape Town have gotten so bad that monitoring teams have been deployed to keep the animals away.

The large monkeys invade people's homes in the coastal Table Mountain region, sometimes confronting people who try to scare the baboons off.

Some residents have retaliated by shooting and poisoning baboons and by running them over on local roads.

The situation has also caused rifts within communities. In a suburb ironically named Welcome Glen, rival societies have formed, with some trying to protect the baboons and others wanting them removed or killed.

"We sometimes get into standoffs [with neighbors]," said Rose Ashley, a member of the Welcome Glen Environment Group, which is pro-baboon….

Joan Laing is co-chair of the rival Welcome Glen Baboon-Free Neighbourhood Action Group. She says the animals are a menace.

"They break windows to get into houses," Laing said. "They even know how to open doors. And once inside, they make a mess. They empty the fridge, ruin furniture, and defecate all over."

The root cause, of course, is imperialism:

The source of the problem is human encroachment into the baboons' historic habitat….

Baboons, [animal advocate Jenni Trethowan] says, are primarily defenders, not attackers.

True, a baboon bit a tourist when she tried to grab back an ice cream that the baboon had grabbed from the woman. But generally the monkeys will not attack unless cornered or threatened.

For more on the politics of baboonery, turn to William Burroughs' classic account of the FDR years, Roosevelt After Inauguration. Warning: not safe for work, unless your office or workshop will tolerate Burroughs' gravelly voice describing a simian judge "shitting and pissing and masturbating on the table."

NEXT: Republicans Lose the (Dance) Floor

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  1. That… was kind of awesome

  2. Damned dirty apes.

  3. The baboons welcomed the humans as liberators.

    And all seemed well after they pulled down the giant baboon statue.

    It’s going to be funny when the Democrats inherit Iraq.
    I mean — when the baboons inherit Cape Town.

  4. Why don’t they just castrate the damn things like they do to the elephants?

  5. You maniacs! You blew my comment up! God damn you all! God damn you all to hell!

  6. Jennifer’s too.
    Which makes mine seem…well, crazy.

  7. ed, they apparently put Pro Libertate’s comment back, which destroys the context of his (highly amusing) second comment, which itself was repeated. We can conclude from this that the server squirrels are now in league with the baboons in a plot to take over human civilization. The Islamunascispinkowackieswhatevers and the illegal aliens are merely pawns of the apes. We can look forward to grainy videotapes of Gorilla Grod’s speeches soon.

  8. I for one welcome our coming Baboon Overlords.

  9. Will PETA intervene on the baboons behalf and demand that the people be moved out so the baboons can take over? frankly i hope those africans decide to tell PETA to screw it ROAD KILL BABOONS SHOOTS EM CHOPS OFF THEIR HAIDS AND TIE KNOTS IN THEIR TAILS

  10. Wow. The server is reaching new heights of incompetence. Just so posterity doesn’t think Ed is a raving lunatic: I quoted Jesse’s line blaming the problem on imperialism, and responded with “Bullshit. The baboons greeted the humans as liberators.” And then ed quoted me and . . . well, you know.

    This was all mildly amusing in its original context, but rather pointless now. I guess the server is taking revenge on me for yesterday, when I said it sucks the sulfurous hairy balls of Satan.

    This merely proves I was right.

  11. When the baboons start exploding I’ll really be worried.

  12. Nuke ’em from orbit.

    It’s the only way to be sure.

  13. This is an indigenous revolution if there ever was one.
    First, there not enemies, just strangers we haven’t given money too.
    Lets give a couple of billion.
    Second. Lets support the UN in negoiating a peace plan.
    With enough money and diplomacy we can bring peace to South Africa.
    War is the last resort here.

  14. Oh, sure squirrels are rodents, but they have creepy little primate-like hands, so I can totally see them going over to the baboon revolution. We’re so screwed.

  15. Well, the odds are clearly overwhelming – I love you, Dr Zaius!

  16. Since I’ve gotten home, I’ve learned from my older son that Lex Luthor supposedly killed Gorilla Grod by pushing him out an airlock. I don’t believe it for a minute. That was just the cover story, so we wouldn’t look for him. He’s somewhere in South Africa as we speak, leading the Glorious Primate Revolution.

    Oh, the squirrels are in because the monkeys pay them in nuts from the higher parts of trees. When the revolution comes, the apes have promised to let the squirrels out of their cages and put HUMANS in there to run the H & R servers. Then it’s our turn . . . .

  17. …a baboon bit a tourist when she tried to grab back an ice cream that the baboon had grabbed from the woman.

    Damn. That lady likes ice cream even more than I do.

    I mean, give it up. You’re going to wrestle a giant monkey for an ice cream cone?!

  18. Now I’m the king of the swingers
    Oh, the jungle VIP
    I’ve reached the top and I’ve had to stop
    And that’s what botherin’ me

    I wanna be a man, man-cub
    And stroll right into town
    And be just like the other men
    I’m tired of monkeyin’ around!

    Oh, oo-oo-oo!
    I wanna be like you-oo-oo
    I wanna walk like you
    Talk like you
    You’ll see it’s true-oo-oo
    An ape like me-ee-ee
    Can learn to be hu-oo-oo-man too-oo-oo!

    Now don’t try to kid me, man-cub
    I made a deal with you
    What I desire is man’s red fire
    To make my dreams come true!

    Give me the secret, man-cub
    Clue me what to do
    Give me the power of man’s red flower
    So I can be like you!

    Oh, oo-oo-oo!
    I wanna be like you-oo-oo
    I wanna walk like you
    Talk like you
    You’ll see it’s true-oo-oo
    An ape like me-ee-ee
    Can learn to be hu-oo-oo-man too-oo-oo!

  19. smacky,

    It’s that tough-as-nails fightin’ attitude that’s placed the hominids at the top of the food chain. Yep. Don’t see no baboons on the Moon, now do ya? Why? ‘Cause we’ll beat them silly over an ice cream cone.

    Evolution. It’s all about the ice cream.

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