Official Scary Thought for Friday the 13th

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John Edwards will be the next president of the United States.

For some time I've harbored a deep unease about the potential for America's blow-dried class-warrior to seize the reins of supreme executive power. Now, with Virginia Gov. Mark Warner stepping out of the race before it even starts, Edwards will have the young, Southern outsider vibe all to himself.

That matters as it gives him a head start on becoming the anti-Hillary, and in that task I'm convinced he will get a huge boost from his wife, Elizabeth. She is currently on a book tour, telling of her battle with cancer, and generally wowing audiences. As a little pudgy, plain even, Elizabeth connects as the Anti-Hillary and John gets residual bonus points from voters for sticking by her side through it all.

Doubt that? A recent account of an Elizabeth book-signing included this snippet:

Doug MacLeod, 55, was buying a book for his wife, who had her own breast cancer scare. After listening to Edwards, MacLeod, a Republican, said he was "a little warmer" to another expected try for the presidency by her husband.

"I'm not really very big into politics," he said. "But I just think they're genuine people," MacLeod said. "And I would like genuine people to run my country."

On top of that, Edwards has spent the last few years ensconced in a bogus UNC-Chapel Hill position fighting "poverty." This has meant that Edwards has jetted around the country giving speeches in favor of the living wage movement. Sounds minor, trifling even, but it does help his standing with union activists who are expected to form the core of the Hillary army.

Should his trial lawyer buddies come across with enough early dough for Edwards to win or show in the all-important money primary in 2007, look out.

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  1. John Edwards will be the next president of the United States.

    AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

    Don’t DO that, Jeff.

  2. “As a little pudgy, plain even, Elizabeth connects as the Anti-Hillary”

    Hillary is thin and dazzling?

  3. Wow, thanks, I was trying to eat when I saw this.

    Good points, although the fact that this guy is a cancer on the ass of society (suing obstetricians for liability for kids born with cerebral palsy is about as low as it gets) will hopefully trump all the superficial nonsense that people will see radiate from his otherwise empty persona.

  4. He’s a great retail campaigner – Clintonian, even – but he fell off the map during the 2004 elections. I don’t know if he can connect as well through the teevee.

    Besides, people want craggy old men as their president during wartime.

  5. He’s a great retail campaigner – Clintonian, even – but he fell off the map during the 2004 elections. I don’t know if he can connect as well through the teevee.

    Besides, people want craggy old men as their president during wartime.

  6. John Edwards gives new meaning to “empty suit” and I’m glad someone else has noticed that his office at UNC is empty most of the time.

    But as long as Irksome Bowles is UNC prez, it’s a safe harbor.

  7. I strongly recommend that Edwards never again says this:

    There are two Americas…

    and learns to say this:

    I am Bill Clinton without the political wife and without the dalliances…

  8. No, no, no, no, no.

    No.

  9. Edwards peaked before the last election and is a total nonentity. Look for a pathetic showing. He’s the least of the major Democratic candidates. I friggin’ despise his professional background, and I’m an attorney! Just imagine the nonlawyer response to him when he’s the candidate, as opposed to the VP candidate.

    joe, then it’s all John Warner, who has perfected that look 🙂 In fact, he kinda looks like Ian McKellen in some pictures, which gives him that whole Mithrandirian edge.

  10. Mark Warner stepping down doesn’t tell me Edwards will win, it tells me a Republican will.

  11. Why did Mark Warner have to drop out of the race? Why, oh why, oh why? A viable libertarian candidate is too much to hope for, so I generally just hope for a liberal capitalist of a Tom Friedman-ish bent to show up, but it looks like we may be out of luck in ’08. Sadly, Al Gore might be as close as we’re going to come even to that “ideal”.

  12. Maybe this says something about me, but when I read the title of this post, I was thinking,”Hrmm, having a nationally syndicated, ghost-talking psychic wouldn’t be the worst thing for the country.”

    I shall be crossing-over now.

  13. “I’ve harbored a deep unease about the potential for America’s blow-dried class-warrior to seize the reigns of supreme executive power.”

    Why? We’ve just lived with a jean-clad class-warrior. I can’t get worse than that.

  14. I’ve got it! He dropped out because he figured voters would assume he was the more famous John Warner and vote against him in the primaries. Hey, voters can be pretty dumb, you know.

  15. By no means would I want John Edwards to be president, but is he really scarier than the folks in charge, now? It’s like having a werewolf in your house, then getting the “scary” warning that soon it will be replaced by the mummy. At that point I’m thinking the mummy in my house would be a refreshing change (and not nearly as messy or embarrassing).

  16. By no means would I want John Edwards to be president, but is he really scarier than the folks in charge, now? It’s like having a werewolf in your house, then getting the “scary” warning that soon it will be replaced by the mummy. At that point I’m thinking the mummy in my house would be a refreshing change (and not nearly as messy or embarrassing).

  17. Warner probably would have won. There’s no way that the democratic party would have allowed That to happen.

  18. So we’re trading the vacuous frat boy for a vacuous Rogaine model. Is that a trade up or a trade down?

    I liked Mark Warner…

  19. suing obstetricians for liability for kids born with cerebral palsy is about as low as it gets

    Not if it’s obviously their fault. My aunt’s OB/GYN was forced on her by the hospital even though he had a history of malpractice problems. He was drunk and demanded that the nurse give my aunt an anaesthesia that she was alergic to, a fact which was clearly recorded on her chart. My aunt almost died in delivery, and my cousin was born with permanant brain damage and CP. They of course sued the hospital and the doctor, and they were, I think, completely justified. Would you have had them do otherwise?

    So we’re trading the vacuous frat boy for a vacuous Rogaine model. Is that a trade up or a trade down?

    It’s a trade. That’s enough at this point.

  20. “And I would like genuine people to run my country.”

    I’m torn on this issue. On the one hand, artificial people have always struck me as less inclined to expand the welfare state, what with their lack of emotions and complete disregard for humanity.

    On the other hand, as a programmer who gets a thrill out of bending a machine to my will, and is actually capable of doing so from time to time,[1] I’m apt to be one of the first ones up against the wall when they take over.

    So, it’s a tough call.

    [1] The server squirrels are the vanguard in the machine resistance! Bow to your new masters!

  21. Shem,

    There’s a world of difference between the case you are describing (and my heart goes out to your aunt and cousin) and the cases Edwards prosecuted.

  22. Oh my God – somebody who is concerned about poverty might run for the White House! Doesn’t he know that the rich would end poverty if we only allowed them to accumulate more money?

    No wonder the social darwinist crowd here is scared of him.

  23. Yeah, it’s fear, not scorn, of Edwards that makes me say what I’ve said about him. He’s a lightweight, whether he tells a couple of good anecdotes or not.

    Mark Warner was a big, big loss to the Democrats. I thought he was going to sneak into the nomination. Now I think the only candidate who could possibly win it all is Richardson, and he needs much more oomph in the media to get his campaign over the top. As I’ve said elsewhere, I think Clinton, Gore, Clark, Kerry, and Edwards are all no-winners when it comes to the general election. Feingold might have an outside shot, but he needs more help than Richardson, I think.

    Mark my words: it’s going to be President John Warner. Cuz he looks presidential and stuff.

  24. “There’s a world of difference between the case you are describing (and my heart goes out to your aunt and cousin) and the cases Edwards prosecuted.”

    Bring up the pool drain case. I command you. Come on. Nobody will bother to check up on it; you’ll score another easy point against trial lawyers.

  25. You are a pitiful bunch at this site.

  26. Just what America needs, a milder version of ME in the White House!

    Besides just listen to the name… John Edwards… you gotta pause to hear it… it doesn’t roll off the tongue like mine. Dennycrane! See?

    Dennycrane!
    08
    Dennycrane!
    You know you want it!
    Dennycrane!

  27. Satan,

    Unless the pool drain case involved obstetricians and cerebral palsy (which I already know it didn’t), it has nothing to do with anything I’ve said.

  28. For the last fucking time, as a resident of New Mexico, I implore anyone who mentions Richardson as a possibility for our next president to NEVER DO IT AGAIN. The man is the three-way gay love child of Bill Clinton, Hugo Chavez and Satan. He’s an American Caudillo waiting to happen. I’d sooner vote for Hillary Clinton or Rudy Giuliani than… him.

    Though I must say, he is fairly smart, and despite his scandals he seems to be doing a decent job as governor. (While I object to the state spending $250 million on a spaceport for Virgin Galactic in principle, as a geek I can’t help but admit that it’s a pretty darn cool way to waste money.) His opponent for re-election, Dendahl, is about as dumb as a box of rocks and wooden post combined (how does a Republican manage to LOSE the NRA endorsement?), so he’s a shoe in for re-election…

    …but Richardson is still the most dangerous man in the Democratic party, regardless of whether or not he’d sweep in a national election.

  29. (how does a Republican manage to LOSE the NRA endorsement?)

    As near as I can tell, the NRA endorses the incumbent as long as his rating (based on a questionaire and record in office) is the same or better than the challenger regardless of party. Sort of, the devil you know reasoning, I guess.

    They did the same thing in a Florida Congressional race in 02. In spite of the NRA endorsing the incumbent Democrat, the Republican (who had tied on her NRA rating) won.

    Richardson has certainly done everything right as far as gun rights go it appears. I don’t know anything about his record otherwise. I can readily believe he may not be the best pick.

  30. Postmodern Sleaze,

    Do tell. I’m certainly not for Richardson in any kind of way, but he’s always seemed to have more of that mainstream thing going (for a Democrat, that is), kind of like his old boss. However, I’m perfectly willing to accept his total evil. Chavez and Satan? Clearly, we’re missing something about him here in Florida. I do recall something ungood concerning him during the Wen Ho Lee scandal, and I just read that he vetoed an eminent domain reform bill.

    Incidentally, as much as I’ve praised Jeb Bush as governor (not bad for a Republican, almost libertarianish at times–a complete shock, let me tell you), I will not be voting for him if he runs. No Bushes, no Clintons, no Chet Roosevelts, nope, not gonna do it. Maybe a Jefferson or Washington, though.

  31. Postmodern Sleaze,

    I wouldn’t mind if you’d elaborate on Richardson’s failings. You’ve said he’s intelligent and a good governor, so what is it that irks you about him? By the way, the three-way love child thing is amusing, but it doesn’t offer much in the way of specific criticism.

  32. Get real PL, this country will never elect a black man.

  33. (1) He would have won last time, if he’d run instead of Kerry. But oh well.

    (2) Next time will be different. He’s a known quantity now. The Repubs will be in their finest tort-reform fettle by ’08, if Edwards runs.

    (3) Given that the GOP might just “go nuclear” on tort reform ahead of a prospective Edwards campaign, that may give the ATLA (or whatever they’re now called) a moment’s hesitation about signing off on the selection…

    (4) unless the ATLA… are convinced they can prevail in some kind of tort reform Armageddon. Maybe they think they’re ready for the final showdown.

    (5) But it won’t matter, because… if the GOP throws out another Bush, like lets say Jeb, that Bush wins, 47% to 45%, just like before. It’s a script the retards are comfortable with; they own it, they love it. Bush in ’08. Bush in ’12. Bush Bush Bush. Why change a good thing, when there are no other jobs and no other way to gain social status in Gooberville but getting your ass blown off in Iraq and coming home to a parade?

  34. FRIDAY THE 13TH DID YOU EVER NOTICE THERE is no 13th floor on any apartment building i was at a BEST WESTERN motel and noticed there were no room 13s at all

  35. Wally: that’s well known. There was a movie based on that premise: “The Thirteenth Floor.” The logic was that a corporation’s secret project was hidden on the thirteenth floor of a building where no one would ever look for it.

    Edwards would be worse than Hillary…HOW? So he sued a lot of people. That’s what lawyers do. Did he sue people unfairly? That’s for a court to decide. Was he unethical? That’s for the Bar Association to decide. Reading a few hot columns on NewsMax hardly qualifies anyone to judge the outcome of lawsuits that went on for years. I think the whole “Edwards was an ambitious trial lawyer!” smear is complete bullshit. Everybody hates lawyers until they need one. If you don’t like the way he practiced law take it to the ethics board.

    I don’t like his notion of another War on Poverty and I sigh with contempt at his easy acceptance of the War on Iraq, but you can tar any Democrat with those brushes. I’ll reserve judgement until I hear him answer Hillary’s sick, bitchy, controlling, suburban-soccer-mom plan to manage everyone’s personal life by creating the post of Official Censor of video games and movies. I want to know what he thinks about secret trials and personal privacy and “enhanced interrogation techniques.” These issues matter a hell of a lot more to me than the marginal extra cost of consumer goods caused by torts.

    If all they want is money, I’ll write them a check. I’m searching for a bandit that only wants my money, not my life.

  36. Yeah, what’s this thing you guys have against trial lawyers? I thought libertarians LOVED law suits as a way to regulate the market. I don’t see how it makes any difference whether it’s a tangible product or if it’s the sale of a service, such as a medical treatment.

  37. Bill Richardson is one corrupt vindictive mutha fucker…

    He will rule based on personal bias and whim.

    He is the best candidate to deal with North Korean… he and Kim see things the same way… it is about power to get you the chicks, and the perks…so he can talk Kim outta his craziness by promising better hookers and cable access in a way that will speak to the short terror of the NK.

    In other words, he is a nearly perfect American politician.

    He is doing well as Gov in NM partly because most of the state’s money comes from oil and gas so we have more money that usual. He is also working hard to have a great record as gov to use in his campaign for president.

    And as a president, like Bill Clinton, he will do a decent job because he will be trying to thread the middle to get re-elected.

    No good politician was ever anything but evil.
    Watch the results, not the man.

  38. John Edwards, John McCain, Hillary….who cares? From a Libertarian point of view, aren’t we talking tweedle dees and tweedle dums?

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