Television

The Honorable Representative from Ohio Will Now Beam Up

James Traficant's greatest Trek hits

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Millions of Americans have used the Star Trek lexicon to describe our own harsh universe, but few have done so as faithfully as James Traficant, the colorful, corrupt Democratic representative from the Buckeye State, who peppered his 17-year-mission to Washington with continuous rescue calls to the Enterprise. In 2002, Traficant was convicted of bribery, racketeering, and other charges, and began serving an eight-year sentence in federal prison, whence there is no beaming up.

On the Awakened Giant:

"China is now taking $100 billion of cash out of our economy, buying missiles, and pointing them at us. Beam us up, all of us."

On God and Satan:

"When the U.S. Army allows Satan in one door and will not allow God in the other door, America is so screwed up we do not know where we are going. Beam me up, here."

On The Vagina Monologues:

"What is next? Rectal Diaries? Men are dropping like flies in America from prostate cancer and Broadway is promoting vaginal titillation. Beam me up."

On Old Glory:

"It is illegal to damage a mailbox, but we can destroy our flag. Beam me up."

On the Massacre at Waco:

"FBI autopsy reports confiscated of victims are now missing. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker."

On a Topless Visit to the Lincoln Memorial by the Lady Buckeyes Rugby Team:

"That is right, topless. The Lincoln Memorial became a strip joint. Bras were flying everywhere. Unbelievable. Now, after all this, the university has suspended the team, and these Buckeye vixens are awaiting the final decision. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker."

Sources: thememoryhole.org, usgovinfo.about.com

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