Oooh! Wasn't That Scary, Kids?

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This seems like a political first—a fake newspaper from the future, put together by the Republican National Committee, that sarcastically reports the horrors of a Congress led by Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Majority Leader John Murtha. It's almost obscenely detailed—people inside the RNC have been playing close attention to the forces aligned against them, from the fringe to the mainstream. They don't do a good job of terrifying libertarians into pulling that GOP lever:

Because they are still subject to President Bush's veto pen, the Democrat majorities have made their biggest mark in foreign policy with funding decisions.

For example, the Democrats zeroed out any money for the President's missile defense program.

"The ability to shoot down missiles launched from South Korea is clearly provocative," House International Relations Committee Chairman Tom Lantos said. "If developing a system to shoot down those missiles is provoking them, then we shouldn't do so. Diplomacy is the answer."

The once-feared NSA Surveillance Program has been disbanded as well, after its funding was cut to zero.

Unless I missed it, I'm surprised I didn't see an obvious fake news item: "Democrats End Funding For Iraq War: Troops Come Home In Disgrace." Maybe they're worried that would be too appealing a scenario, even for Republicans.

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  1. Wow,
    If I actually believed that Democrats would have the balls to impeach Bush (and impeach him for the right reasons), I might just plug my nose and vote for them. Canceling the NSA program? Oh no, those wily Dem’s are going to force the Republicans to obey a law that they helped pass bipartisanly that makes ordering such a program a felony punishable by prison time? Respecting the law? Actually applying it, even to politicians? I thought we lived in a country where our President was above the law?

    Horrors!

  2. If I thought they’d have the cajones to slash funding for the NSA to zero, I’d vote D in a heartbeat.

  3. It’s nice to see the deep research that went into this thing. The “All Tied Up: Supremes Still Stuck at 4-4” story makes no sense, since the Court can’t deadlock. A 4-4 decision means that the lower court isn’t overruled. Assuming there is a run of “Cases affecting Ambassadors” or states suing other states, we’ll be fine.

  4. The NSA would just be spying on different people for different things and would likely be attached to ATF or whatever it is now. They would have to find all those hunters with sniper scopes on their single shot black powder assault muzzleloaders.

    So did you want mayo or mustard on that shit sandwich?

  5. They should put up billboards that read “Planning on voting Democrat? Opening your wrists is faster.”.

  6. Am I supposed to not want some of that stuff? This irony thing is so confusing. Can’t Mr. Melman just tell me what to say to my godless, secular, liberal, bestial heathen friends? I actually went to a party last week and said it was a good thing not to waste money on a new missile defense when the old Star Wars works just fine!! Then I find out, I actually support new military spending. What an embarassment. Now I come to find out that Supreme Court is deadlocked, and I thought that was good because of how much the activist judges hate Jesus. As it turns out, we need a conservative Supreme Court to interpret the Constitution, and not just the homosexual agenda. Please, no more irony. As a Republican, I’m just too serious for this.

  7. This future newspaper also ignores the fact that Tom Lantos is at present a well-known superhawk.

  8. Does that say “Missiles launched from South Korea”???

  9. “Democrats End Funding For Iraq War: Troops Come Home In Disgrace.”

    Beats the hell out of helicopters from the embassy roof.

  10. I have to echo Jonathan Goff. If I thought Democrats would be willing to actually do anything like that, I’d vote for them in a heartbeat. As is, I’m waiting for their candidates to merely say they’d reverse the post-9/11 changes their party helped set up, at which time I’ll give them my vote.

    I’m still not holding my breath.

  11. Does that say “Missiles launched from South Korea”???

    I figured, since it was supposed to be from the future, that South Korea had given up to the North on account of them being “appeasers” instead of “deciders”

  12. Does that say “Missiles launched from South Korea”???
    The Paper from the Future didnt reference the disasterous Pre Emptive War of Dec 06, in which the US “secretly”nuked North Korea using faith based, flat earth maps. The resultant destruction of a third of South Korea made the survivors our sworn, remorseless enemies………….

  13. “Does that say “Missiles launched from South Korea”???
    The Paper from the Future didnt reference the War of 12/ 06, (Operation:Peaceful Intent) in which the US “secretly”nuked North Korea using faith based, flat earth maps. The resultant destruction of a third of South Korea, a swath of Japan, and Brisbane, Australia made the bitter, half mad survivors our sworn, remorseless enemies………….it was Clinton’s fault.

  14. R. Mutt, you are one clever fellow!

  15. In what is probably ?not? a political first?..the RNC has already put the future on film and offered it to ABC free of charge?..ABC is pondering the idea of an Oct. 31st time slot?.

  16. “Unless I missed it, I’m surprised I didn’t see an obvious fake news item: “Democrats End Funding For Iraq War: Troops Come Home In Disgrace.” Maybe they’re worried that would be too appealing a scenario, even for Republicans.”

    Dave, if you really feel that way, why don’t you go to Iraq and join the insurgency? Why not do your part to ensure such a desirable outcome. What a jackass thing to say.

  17. “Dave, if you really feel that way, why don’t you go to Iraq and join the insurgency? Why not do your part to ensure such a desirable outcome.”

    Like Dick Cheney and Vietnam, he’s got other commitments.

  18. Always unaware of irony, aren’t you, John?

  19. If you people want the U.S. coming home in disgrace in Iraq, how are you not just on the other side? The best way to ensure that appealing option is for a whole lot of Americans to die in Iraq making our presence there untenable. My question is why doesn’t anyone here have the balls to publicly come out and say that and start cheering every time a coffin comes back from there? That will get you to the end you want. If you really object that thoroughly to the operation why wouldn’t you want to see a lot of casualties? It would disgrace the evil Bush and make sure that the U.S. never invaded another country and would give the Iraqi people their freedom from occupation. Where is the downside to that? After all the people who get killed were volunteers anyway.

    If Weigal had to balls to come out and say something like that and really go down and cheer for the deaths, I could respect him. I wouldn’t agree with him, but I could at least respect his integrity at some level. Instead, he makes comments that imply that but are just weasely enough that he can deny that is what he really means. If Weigal thinks that pulling out of Iraq in disgrace and all of the attendant consequences like large numbers of dead Americans is so great, then say so. But he doesn’t have the balls to do that and instead makes snarky bullshit comments like that one masquerading as being smart.

  20. America Weakly may be a political first, but it isn’t half as funny as The Onion issue from 2056.

    Kevin

  21. “Democrats End Funding For Iraq War: Troops Come Home In Disgrace.”

    How can you “come home in digrace” from a war you should never have started?

  22. “If you people want the U.S. coming home in disgrace in Iraq, how are you not just on the other side?”

    If you believe we should be fighting a war there, how come you’re not in Iraq instead of posting on a website in the middle of the afternoon?

    Of course you don’t have the balls to do that and instead you make snarky chickenhawk comments like the one masquerading at being a tough guy.

  23. Yes Jackass,

    Everyone who disagrees with you and supports the war was never there and would never serve. Never. Couldn’t ever happen. Everyone who has ever been to Iraq or is there now agrees with you completely. Don’t let me ever disturb your state of denial.

  24. So you’ve served in Iraq, John? When?

  25. John, the only disgrace is folks like you thought this was a good idea, and are reduced to lame hysterics now it has come to this predictable point.
    The troops wont come home in disgrace. Thats reserved for the stooges, dupes, chickenhawks & nitwits who can look at Pres. Cheney, his flying monkey, Decider, & the rest of the incompetant crackpots who cooked this up and see “leaders” .
    And the disgraced us- me & you, and everyone else who can read, reason, & remember if we actually let these thugs off the hook, which Im sure we will, history being any guide. Mutt, RA , RVN 68-9.

  26. At the risk of sounding patronizing, John, antiwar people oppose the war because it leads to deaths of Americans as well as deaths of Iraqis who never attacked America.

    It is not opponents of the war that created the mess in Iraq – it is Bush’s pre-emptive attack on the country that made it a mess.

  27. If I had written it, the date on the paper would have been Sept. 10, not Sept. 7.

  28. Hmm, seems John has stopped claiming to have served in Iraq. Wonder what that means…

  29. I like how they put the article about Democrats being dividers, not uniters, right next to the article about Democrats deliberately working to make Americans less safe from violent death at the hands of terrorists.

    To tell the truth, I like how they have the balls, at this late date, to try to use the “uniter, not a divider” line at all. These are people who used security and war as election campaign wedge issues while American troops were dying in battle. Politics of projection?

  30. Shem,

    He’s also stopped posting with a fake military email address.

    Which he did for about two years, until I called him on it last fall.

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