The Meanest Sailor Dubuque's Ever Seen

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On first glance, this campaign site by James Hill, "the only Pirate and truly independent candidate" for Congress who takes "no bounty from any Person, Party, Organization or Corporation," is exactly what you'd expect. Equal parts stupid and crazy.

I would have your wife right in front of you. I would smoke the last of
your glaucoma medication. Then I will surely drink your liquor cabinet
dry. However, know this my friend. I will never break an oath to uphold
the public trust. My affidavit will be signed in my own blood. A
Pirates crimson mark, with real binding effects into my after life.
Laugh if you will then ask yourself if you could do it.

Yeah, whatever. Not that impressive, in this era of "YouTubes of the Day," until you realize Hill is running for Congress in Iowa. Which is, relatively speaking, totally landlocked.

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  1. What the heck? Now, down here in Tampa, we’d certainly elect a pirate candidate, particularly if he were to throw us free beads.

  2. LOL!! Best.Website.Ever!! It’s like if Chuck Norris were a ninja! SoaP!! yadda yadda yadda….

    Ugh.

  3. Maybe he’s a software pirate, and the internets are (is?) his high seas.

  4. I think it is bold of him to come out of the closet and openly admit he is a pirate while running for congress.

  5. A pirate without a tall ship is just a douchebag with a bandanna and moustache.

  6. Respect him Dave. I’m pretty sure The (landlocked) Pirate could and would kick your ass over any percieved slight. Even with the ruptured disks in his back.

    Man, this guy is awesome =

    “I have been approached by GARGOYL (the Greater Association of Righteous Gun Owning Young Lesbians). Like Kathleen Harris (of Fla.) I invent endorsements, but I go the extra mile and invent the endorsers. I have hit on this before I know but to shake up political perceptions take this morsel again for free. My friend Cheri is as lesbian as they get. You automatically think crew cut and Birkenstocks, right? Not so fast, apart from a gorgeous domestic partner she has a very large gun cabinet that is packed solid with much of the latest firepower that can legally be had. Now think Ted Nugent with a vagina.Gun Rights are usually the rallying cry of the Conservatives while Gay Rights defended by the left. In the middle is Cheri who wants no more than to make a pay check go duck hunting on weekends and come home to the hottie she calls a partner. The same government counter terrorism methods used today will be turned on innocent Americans one day. History has shown us that no method of control is relinquished by ruling bodies once gained”

    I want this man to be elected so I can see him drunkenly kick some ass on C-Span

  7. Is there still time to move to Iowa and register to vote for this guy?

  8. Hey, that’s great. I think we’ve found the next LP candidate for President.

  9. Here are a few more choice sentences:

    Alcohol became part of my life at a young age and I battle the addiction to this day.

    I graduated from North Scott High School in 1982. My grades were below average as were my mile times. If I were in school today there would surely be some unpronounceable learning disorder tagged on me.

    Two months of college was enough.

    We have two children Alaina and Rowan who we love dearly. That doesn’t mean there aren’t days we would not sell them to the circus.

  10. For entertainment value, he have my vote. I just quibble with calling yourself a pirate without sailing the high seas, looting cargo, making people walk the plank, etc. I’m also instantly suspicious of the “Johnnycakes” moustache.

  11. Makes me proud to be an Iowan.

  12. Some of this stuff is precious. The is a part of his recap of his first political rally:

    …..Then things got worse. As Hooters Sarah was getting a beer for my Samoan Campaign Manager she shrieked loudly and pointed over at the trees. The gesture was followed immediately with her and her friend both projectile vomiting in to the cooler. I am not aware of any studies predicting what will make nubile young girls vomit. If any of you undertake such a study put two Winos engaging in oral sex at the top of the list. As if the two hotties tossing up chow were not enough, the man who had earlier been accosted by Buffalo Bob, pulled a length of chain from his jeans walked over and began whipping the two depredates violently. All control of my political function was lost. The few attendees scattered at the sight of the violence and gross sexual deviance foul cursing of anger and pain ruled the park and good people wanted no part of this. Some even turned on the pirate as if this is what I had planned for my first rally….

  13. What did the pirate congressman need before his bill could be put to a vote?

    Quorrrrrrrum.

  14. Maddox claims pirate status, and he lives in Utah, I believe. “Pirate” in the 21st century is a state of mind. And a recognized dialect–arrrrrrrr.

  15. More importantly, what’s his position on earmarrrrrks?

  16. His position on term limits is quite clear–he holds office until someone kills him. That’s the pirate way.

    If he runs for president, does his parrot get the VP nod? If the not-being-eligible-for-citizenship thing gets in the parrot’s way, there’s always the Supreme Court. There are no Constitutional requirements for becoming a justice.

  17. PJ:

    I believe his position on earmarks is to charge $1 for each one. That would make them … buck-an-earmarks.

  18. His position on term limits is quite clear–he holds office until someone kills him. That’s the pirate way.

    Too bad that’s not the rule for everyone – there wouldn’t be an incumbent left by Election Day…

  19. It turns out that he made his money selling clasps for a brand of Swiss watches. Yes, he’s a Swatch-Buckler.

  20. It turns out that he made his money selling clasps for a brand of Swiss watches. Yes, he’s a Swatch-Buckler.

  21. At least he’s not repeating the standard cannon.

  22. Given Iowa’s complete lack of access to the “high seas,” and Hill’s Village People-esque moustache, he could persuasively claim to be a butt pirate, in any event. All kidding aside, what an excellent campaign website. We can only hope that he is serious enough to follow through, and that enough people in his district have a sense of humor sufficient to support him.

  23. Given Iowa’s complete lack of access to the “high seas,” and Hill’s Village People-esque moustache, he could persuasively claim to be a butt pirate, in any event.

    All kidding aside, an excellent campaign website. We can only hope that he is serious enough to follow through, and that enough people in his district have a sense of humor sufficient to support him.

  24. perhaps Hill could kick ass on the Reason server squirrels too…

  25. I was under the impression he worked at Home Depot. Everytime I would place an order for decking material he would….

    Deliver me Timbers

  26. I was under the impression he worked at Home Depot. Everytime I would place an order for decking material he would….

    Deliver me Timbers

  27. Wasn’t Jean LaFitte a Mississippi River pirate? Those in the know know that the “US Coast Guard Upper Mississippi-Keokuk, Iowa Group” has become “US Coast Guard, Sector Upper Mississippi.” Have they closed their office in Keokuk and consolidated in St Louis?

    Is the Coast Guard’s retreat responsible for the upsurge in pirate activity in Iowa, or is James Hill claiming credit for driving the USCG from Iowa’s beloved shores? A pirate ship is whatever vessel a pirate happens to be standing on…he doesn’t OWN a ship. He takes one whenever he happens to need one.

  28. I understand that he leans hard starboard in his politics. If he wins, he’ll be known as Representative James Hill (Aaarrrr – Iowa).

  29. He talks big, but I can’t see him walking his plank.

  30. I hear he is not very good in political debates. In fact, at times it seems…

    He doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

  31. Yeah, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s just parroting the party line.

  32. I have no problem believing there’s a pirate in Iowa.

    But a Somoan named “Sorenson” is just not credible.

  33. If his tresaure chest is full of Fool’s Gold…would that make him an Iron Pyrite?

  34. Sorenson is a Danish name, I think. Some Danes were Vikings. A few Vikings got a little lost and knew some Samoans in a violent, Randian way. There. Simple! Sorenson the Samoan!

  35. I afraid his campaign will be haunted like Gary Hart’s. I hear there is a picture of him with alcohol and several call girls. Yes, the AP captioned the picture as…

    ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum

  36. of course that should have been ‘Campaign War Chest’ above…

  37. Me hopes the Sailor of Dubuque never crosses paths with his opponant, the Blogger of Dunkirk.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Bart

  38. Soon, Rush Limbaugh will accuse him of being a “plastic BANDANA, good time rock and roller”

    of course that was a stretch folks, give me a break.

  39. The only thing crazier than this would be a New England millionaire pretending to be a cowboy and then being elected President.

  40. Or a New England millionaire pretending to be a goose hunting populist and coming in second.

  41. Or the Vice President shooting a man in the face while pretending to hunt.

  42. Or a president shooting a girl in the face while pretending to be married.

  43. James Hill, “the only Pirate and truly independent candidate” … Not that impressive, in this era of “YouTubes of the Day,” until you realize Hill is running for Congress in Iowa. Which is, relatively speaking, totally landlocked.

    Maybe this guy is just a really fervent Jimmy Buffet fan.

    Now think Ted Nugent with a vagina.

    OMG! Ann Coulter!

  44. Dubuque does have access to the high seas. It’s on the Mississippi. The Twin Cities, also on the Mississippi, has the largest inland port in the world.

    Okay, its still dumb. I really hope this pirate fixation of pop culture ends soon.

  45. R.C. Dean?

  46. You guys are bustin, me up. The Pirate tag came from the Buccanear habit of electing captains and strict division of the loot. They could also remove the captain by vote and have we all not wanted to maroon an elected official? Shhhhh, My Somoan web man is really hispanic but we do not want him loaded on a boxcar headed south. So in a nod o’ me hat to HS Thomsen his ethnic background were doctored. Humbly JF HIll

  47. Iowa is landlocked?! Mississippi River on one side and Missouri River on the other! You can ride those rivers right down to the Gulf of Mexico! Or even up to the Port of Minnesota!

    And then there’s Carter Lake, Iowa, which is on the Nebraska side of the Missouri River. I never could figure that one out.

  48. I guess if you can’t have the vampyre candidate, the pirate will have to do. I mean Pirates might be rabble rousers, but vampyres is evil… the best qualification for politics.

    http://www.wwrn.org/article.php?idd=20290&sec=39&con=4

  49. Maybe Cap’n Hill can use a campaign theme from the Pirates of the Mississippi?

    Kevin

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