Where Have You Gone, Darren McGavin and/or Andrew McCarthy? Our nation is being attacked by department store dummies

Sean Higgins sends in this report from the front lines in the battle against evil mannequins:

Diana Newton…said she was ambushed by a legless female mannequin at the [JC Penney's] Westminster Mall store, a skirmish that left her with a bloodied scalp, a cracked tooth, recurring shoulder pain and numbness in her fingers.

The alleged attack was the latest in a string of mannequin mayhem incidents nationwide.

"There are a slew of lawsuits like this," said mannequin manufacturer Barry Rosenberg, who joked that stores should run background checks on dummies before letting them mingle with shoppers.

Though most mannequin attacks involve customers getting injured by falling dummies that can weigh as much as 100 pounds, there's also one lawsuit from a woman who claims she contracted herpes from the lips of a promiscuous CPR-Annie doll.

Intriguingly, in French, the language of haute couture, mannequin means "fashion model." Have the whereabouts of the tempestuous beauty Naomi Campbell been accounted for?

Since this LA Times article on mannattacks features the phrases "patched her gash," "strange sensations in her hands," and "the blow also cracked a molar," among others, I suspect they're really referring euphemistically to some weird new sex act. Sure, mannequin attacks are good for a laugh, but I still remember the killer mannequins episode of Kolchak: The Night Stalker, so on this grave issue I remain as open to the evidence as Art Bell.