Ooh, They Have the Internet on Computers Now

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Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens, last seen asserting that Americans never call long distance, has crossed the bridge to nowhere and come back with an "explanation" of how the internet works. Of course, this is an explanation like Dutch Schultz's last words were a eulogy.

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially.

Oh, there's more.

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.

It's a series of tubes.

And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.

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  1. What is he trying to say??

  2. Clearly, he has enormous amounts of material clogging up his tubes.

  3. But Ted, they’re really really really big tubes.

  4. So the Internet works like those pneumatic tubes at the bank?

  5. If I don’t really understand the Net Neutrality debate going on, how is this bozo going to? He is going to be voting on this? Shudders

  6. I think we need to stop with the snarking.

    This man is obviously brave enough to talk about something he doesn’t have a clue about. That takes courage. And leadership.

    And really, does ANYONE really know what the Internet is?

    I think it has something to do with sweaty, bald men taking it to the carpet, and floundering around in very, very small swimming pools.

  7. Mr. Nice Guy,
    When will Al Gore get around to making a movie about the internet so we can all understand it?

  8. Nice Simpsons ref.

  9. The Internets:

    The internets were created some years ago by computer nerds.

    Internets are lots of computers hooked up by tubes. The computers talk to each other, even when they’re turned off. Maybe.

    There is lots of of stuff on the internets, including poo-poo language and dirty pictures, stories, audio recordings, and even movies. That is why we need to “do something about it”.

    There is a lot of money changing hands over the internets. That is why we need to clue in on this action.

    The internets will probably be around for awhile.

    ALWAYS REMEMBER: The internets is something to do with computers.

  10. If this is what America’s foremost decisionmakers know about a common technology that is understood by 12-year old boys, what do you think they understand about other technologies, such as nuclear energy, medical/biological engineering, and aerospace/spaceflight? They (congresspeople) are the cause for a LOT of the aggravation suffered by technology industries, because they write laws that conform to their legal mindset, which has no connection to how things work in the real world. Most of them think that electricity comes out of a socket in the wall, so if the needs more electricity, then it should just add more sockets…

  11. Noone ever sends me an internet.

    *sniff*

  12. Geez, you couldn’t find a dumber and more dishonest person if you just snatched someone randomly off the street (ala jury duty) and forced them to serve as a senator.

  13. The solution is simple- switch from CAT-5 to PVC pipe.

  14. Russ 2000,
    Politics help keep dumb dishonest persons off the streets.

  15. You don’t understand. “Brazil” just now got to Alaska. Thanks to global warming, the Alcan Highway finally thawed, letting Netflix through.

    Stevens’ brain isn’t really frozen in amber. It’s frozen, yes, but that ain’t amber.

  16. ” Most of them think that electricity comes out of a socket in the wall….”

    They may not know where electricity comes from, but they know where votes come from. They know where political contributions come from, and that’s what really matters.

    Do you really believe that Ted Stevens, or any of those clowns, actually care in the least about the practical effects of their actions, other than how they personally benefit?

  17. Do you really believe that Ted Stevens, or any of those clowns, actually care in the least about the practical effects of their actions, other than how they personally benefit?

    Nope, and you can apply that from federal on down to local.

  18. Was he sober when he said this? I worry that people this stupid are walking the streets unsupervised. Having them in the Senate is downright horrifying. What really gets me, is that he can say this out loud and have no fear what so ever, of a recall election.

    An asshat in power isn’t nearly so depressing as the million buttheads that support him. I’d normally get drunk to numb the pain, but it isn’t noon yet, and I can’t afford it.

  19. What does it say about us that Stevens has been able to direct millions of dollars in pork projects to Alaska? How dumb is the rest of congress?

  20. I propose a 28th Amendment: only the President and Vice President will be elected by popular vote through the electoral college. The Senate and House will be filled by randomly selected individuals from each state, so long as those individuals meet the requirements outlined above in the document. I can’t see any way in which this will be worse.

  21. Timothy,

    I propose a modification, simliar to jury pool selection. Each “side” gets to disqualify a certain number of candidates it wants to, for whatever reason. With any luck they’ll reserve their disqualifications for people who are clearly dolts.

  22. Damn, I’ve wasted a lot of money on “education”. Years of college and professional training and not once did anyone mention these tubes. That explains why my router gets all hinky on me.

  23. It’s comforting to have my faith in government restored.

  24. To be fair to Th’honorable Ted, IT workers do generally refer to their infrastructure as pipes. (Never tubes, though.) To be equally fair to Th’honorable Ted, he has no clue what he’s talking about. (10hour email delivery because of high network traffic???? Not even remotely possible.)

  25. Sounds like someone who has his secretary print out his emails for him to read. (Think I stole that from Lileks).

    Megadittos Timothy. Being ruled by citizens selected at random couldn’t be worse.

  26. “…and in those tubes, you see – they aren’t that wide. I’ll tell you a story. One time a turtle crawled into the plumbing of my house. Blocked everything up, and cost a lot to get the plumber to come out. So you can’t shove too much through the tubes. Its turtles all the way down!”

  27. Happyjuggler: I can see the appeal of your modification, but I’d rather do without it. One, I don’t like the idea of having only the current two sides in perpetuity. Two, I think that undermines a lot of the reason to have completely random selection.

    Pay will be an issue (because citizens would have to be allowed to refuse service), so I propose that you get current (as in what you posted on your W2 last tax year) annual salary with zero tax liability plus moving and work-related travel expenses for the term. Or median household income with zero tax liability and moving expenses, whichever is greater. Adjusted for inflation over the course of your term so that your real income stays roughly equal, save the zero tax burden thing, which should be enough in most cases to pay for lodging in DC and surrounds.

  28. Well, as Wally may would probably say, the real problem is that there are places where the tube is twisted meaning that the ones get stuck (the zeroes, being round, make it through okay).

    Seriously, I think the real origin of this speech may have something to do with Ted asking his computer support person how “The internets” work and receiving the kind of answer that computer support people usually give l-users like him when they have better things to do.

  29. Timothy-

    I have been saying for years (mostly to myself) that we could get vastly better governance in this country if we randomly selected 435 names from the telephone book and press- ganged those people into Congress. Senators could be extracted from a slightly more restricted pool. Anybody who expressed any desire to serve would, of course, be excluded.

    At the end of their term, they would be released back into the wild, and expressly prohibited from entering the District of Columbia ever again.

  30. what happens to your own personal internet?

    Is this like your own private Idaho, where your delusions replace reality. Because Stevens’ view of that internet is a bit (byte?) different from the standard.

  31. P Brooks: The direct election of senators has made the senate exactly like the house but with fewer members, I’m okay with randomly selecting them too at this point. Although maybe selecting them via state legislature again would be fine.

  32. This is why no one here will ever get to be in a position to effectuate change. Not to be a suck ass but most of the participants and trolls, not even me, can even approach this quantum of incompetence. The Peter Principal is almost like a fucking law of thermodynamics. I mean jeez, does it have to work this well?

  33. Another reason I enjoy the fact that Libertarins find common cause with conservatives. The best way to make oneself seem smart is to hang out with the biggest idiots you can find. It also allows you to appear to be free-market next to them. Even though most libertarains oppose the free-market in favor of government enforced corporate markets. But next to men like this…hell, anyone can seem bright, and free-market.

  34. Timothy: I like your last suggestion, minus the tax exemption part and the following mod: Randomly select individuals out of the pool of those eligible to serve in their state for the given # of reps, let the State Legislatures select (or Gov’s appoint) the Senators.

    Pay Structure: Representatives shall be paid an amount equal to the median between the National Poverty Line and the National Median Income. These wages are subject to the same tax provisions as apply to other Citizens. No exemptions shall be granted for the difficulty in maintaining staff, finding office space in DC, or maintaining 2 residences. The President & Vice shall be paid at the National Median Income, plus current allowed housing provisions. Executive staff shall become federal civil servants, paid as shall be provided by Congress by Super-Majority vote. Changes to this amendment must be started in the States, and Congress is expressly forbidden to submitt, consider, or vote on, an amendment to modify thier own pay.

    It shall be a felony, with a penalty of 5 years in a federal Super-max, for a Representative or Senator to Sponsor, Co-Sponsor any Bill, Amendment, Rider, or language in a Bill, Amendment, or Rider, which provides Federal funds be spent in his State, to the exclusion of all other States. This prohibition expressly includes All Expenditures by the Federal Governement, including, but not limited to, Defense, Welfare, and Interior department budgets.

  35. “I’d rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University.” – William F. Buckley Jr.

  36. Sphynx: Actually, I think your pay scheme would work better under the current system. I proposed my payment method because it gives whoever is selected randomly (high income or low) a reasonably good incentive to take the job. If they’re all randomly selected but can refuse, basically anybody with money is going to turn it down. If you pay them exactly median income, half will turn it down on balance.

    If only the House is randomly selected, then only the house is subject to that payment scheme, yours could be used for the Senate and the Presidency/Vice Presidency. I also really like the bit about no allowance for staffers, but I’d give everybody four on the taxpayer’s dole. Again, this is to ensure that as many of those randomly selected in the first sampling take the job as possible. If we’re going to be ruled by randomly selected citizens, it should at least be a sample without too many self-selection problems.

  37. hmm..should we expect less from Terrible Ted..spoken like a true idiot.

  38. Would be the same tubes that our country’s been going down ever since jackholes like Ted Stevens started getting inordinate amounts of power?

  39. I find this to be representative democracy at its finest. I would argue that the vast majority of Americans probably cannot describe the internet any more accurately.

    Which is far more depressing.

  40. (the zeroes, being round, make it through okay).

    I have coffee on my shirt as a result of this joke.

  41. What does it say about us that Stevens has been able to direct millions of dollars in pork projects to Alaska?

    It says that he’s doing exactly what we elected to do – and doing a fine job at that.

  42. I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

    Dear senator ted stevens, the Internet is a proper name, spelled with a capital ‘I’.

  43. What a farkin’ clown … I think he learned about the internets from this Strong Bad e-mail.

    Ted Stevens may be a moron, but he’s not dumb. If he ever gives up his mafia bagman job for Alaska, I’m sure he’ll quickly be the richest bag of crap in the whole state.

  44. Internets=Bad

    $150billion Bridge to nowhere in district = Good

  45. Jeff K for senator!

  46. Sounds like someone who has his secretary print out his emails for him to read. (Think I stole that from Lileks).

    You might have, but if so, he stole it from Scott Adams.

  47. Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that?

    Would that be when ARPAnet was handed over to DoD in 1975, or when MILNET* was hived off in 1984?

    What a friggin’ genius!

    Kevin

    aka Defense Data Network, then NIPRNET, SIPRNET, and JWICS networks in the 1990s.

  48. Keep in mind, thanks to our Republican Caucus, Senator Stevens is President Pro Tem of the Senate–fourth in the line of presidential succession. If the President, Vice-President and Speaker of the House all went down in a plane crash, this dimbulb would replace George W. Bush as leader of the free world.

    Come to think of it, that might be a net gain in intellect.

  49. You might think the whole printing email to hardcopy is funny, but I know of somebody who had two dedicated secretaries for handling email – printing and typing it back in.

    Interestingly enough, that was a pretty high-ranking exec of a tech college.

  50. The guy is not an idiot. For a lawmaker, he is exceptionally well informed on the topic he is going to be legislating, the internet. Lawmakers like Ted Stevens at least have some first hand knowledge and use of the internet, where as virtually none have any first hand knowledge of the other topics they are legislating on.

    So really, Ted Stevens is as the top of his game. Decision making on health care, criminal justice, etc., is most definitly not as expertly informed as it is when it comes to the internet.

    This is the best that central planning and government legislation has to offer us. If you don’t feel comfortable with Ted Stevens deciding things about the internet, how can you feel comfortable have Ted Stevens running health care, or the economy, things which virtually all legislators know less about than Ted knows about the internet?

  51. What a shocker. Senator makes dumbass comment to ensure us he knows nothing of what he is speaking and is totally ignorant (likely so on most any issue). This happens daily on most any issue you can choose, it is just a matter of someone getting the quote to share and than actually sharing it. This is where the careful editing by our media comes into play. You know where they decide what we do and don’t get to see.

    Another shining example of the need for TERM LIMITS.. We might not be able to keep the idiots that continually re-elect idiots from voting but if they can only vote for one idiot twice at most it would be a start. I know politicians are like drug dealers and terrorists, get rid of one and another is already there to take his place and continue on the status quo.

    But to think about the fact had term limits been around all along I would not be getting the shits today because Ted Kennedy would be long gone as would the great majority of them. Talk about having nothing to lose. The only people that will suffer with term limits is the politicians, it is nothing but a win/win situation for the rest of us.

    Some say term limits would keep good people out of office. I say thats not a problem we have currently and until at least 1/2 of them are worth keeping more than 2 terms they should all be guaranteed 2 terms max to make the country a better place than you found it. If after 30 years in the Senate you haven’t fixed jack shit and only created more problems your not the solution you are the PROBLEM.

  52. What a shocker. Senator makes dumbass comment to ensure us he knows nothing of what he is speaking and is totally ignorant (likely so on most any issue). This happens daily on most any issue you can choose, it is just a matter of someone getting the quote to share and than actually sharing it. This is where the careful editing by our media comes into play. You know where they decide what we do and don’t get to see.

    Another shining example of the need for TERM LIMITS.. We might not be able to keep the idiots that continually re-elect idiots from voting but if they can only vote for one idiot twice at most it would be a start. I know politicians are like drug dealers and terrorists, get rid of one and another is already there to take his place and continue on the status quo.

    But to think about the fact had term limits been around all along I would not be getting the shits today because Ted Kennedy would be long gone as would the great majority of them. Talk about having nothing to lose. The only people that will suffer with term limits is the politicians, it is nothing but a win/win situation for the rest of us.

    Some say term limits would keep good people out of office. I say thats not a problem we have currently and until at least 1/2 of them are worth keeping more than 2 terms they should all be guaranteed 2 terms max to make the country a better place than you found it. If after 30 years in the Senate you haven’t fixed jack shit and only created more problems your not the solution you are the PROBLEM.

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